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Frank B Kermit
writes:The Mother-Lover TheoryUnderstanding The Emotional Needs of WomenBy Frank Kermit, RelationshipsA woman can only play one of two roles in a man’s life. She is either his mother or his lover. She cannot be both. When a man addresses a woman’s emotional needs, her mothering instinct is halted, and thus by default, she feels more of a pull to potentially being his lover. When a man violates a woman’s emotional needs, her mothering instincts kick in, and she feels more mothering feelings towards him, and feels pushed away from potentially being his lover.For example, one of the emotional needs of a woman is the protection of her most important asset: her reputation. When a woman is around a man that hurts the reputation of other women when he is around her, she knows that she cannot fully let her guard down. She has to be the adult in the dynamic because the man is not mature enough to appreciate how un-calibrated (and possibly creepy) his behavior is. Since she feels the need to be the adult in the situation in order to make sure that she does not inadvertently say anything around him that he could repeat to others (in the same way he is speaking poorly about others in front of her), she is enacting a behavior that is akin to how a mother must be careful of her wording, least an infant repeats her words in an inappropriate manner. When a man actively presents himself as a gentleman that does not kiss and tell, and that does not speak disparagingly of other women in front of her, she can let her guard down enough to feel comfortable with him to the point of being intimate with him, knowing her reputation will not be in any way tarnished by him. She does not have to be akin to a mother afraid of what an infant will repeat, because she recognizes that she is dealing with a man, not a little boy, that is mature enough for her to enter into mature relations with.Male friends of women, specially those men that are in love with their women friends, but their women friends refuse to date them have actually violated her emotional needs. This is WHY male friends have been banished into the sexless “friend-zone”. If there was one common element that all “just friends” males have exhibited, it is that at some point, and usually in an ongoing fashion, these men make their female friends feel like they have to mother these guys. These “nice guys”, can be good friends (very giving friends at that), but they do not engender feelings that would make her want to be his lover, because he makes her feel like his mother. He likely tells her his problems, seeking the validation of her approval, and wants her to make the first move. All these behaviors force her into a mothering role in his life and that kills any potential of sexual attraction.Men that are a challenge, to the point of being jerks at times, address women’s emotional needs indirectly, which is why many women can not help but love those “bad boys”. Despite all the negatives that can be attributed to bad boys, the one thing that makes many bad boys so gosh darn appealing to women is the fact that bad boys do not tolerate any “mothering” behaviors from the women who love them. Bad boys will not ask their lovers for “mothering” advice; bad boys will do what they want to do without needing approval. Bad boys don’t like listening to a woman’s helpful suggestions, as they act out to stop her “nagging”. In fact, the most notorious player type bad boys reject and even chastise their lovers for trying to do things for them (like cleaning the house or doing their laundry) because those bad boys interpret those actions as her trying to evolve some sort of control over him (she gets to check up on his stuff to see what he has been up to). Men who refuse to be controlled by the actions of women, even if those actions were meant as a form of courtesy and not control, constantly challenge her mothering instinct and thus she can not help but find him sexually appealing.Long-term couples experience this issue but in a different way. At the beginning of the relationship, a man addresses a woman’s emotional needs and she feels like being his lover. However, over the course of their long term relationship, they settle into a comfortable routine, where she finds herself becoming more and more of his mother, and feels less and less like his lover. Men tend to be oblivious to this effect, because part of the emotional needs of men is to identify femininity as women being courtesy. When courtesy is taken too far however, it becomes mothering. A man will not even realize this until a woman expresses how unhappy or resentful she has become in the relationship. As Mother’s Day approaches this month, I am suggesting a message to all people that have women partners, especially to those relationships that have children where the woman spends most of her entire time being “mom” or “step mom”. Make sure that you remind your lady on Mother’s Day that she is more than just her children’s mother. She is also your lover. Make her feel like your lover by making sure that at least for one day, she does not feel like her partner’s mother too. Happy Mother’s Day to all the ladies out there!Frank Kermit is a relationship coach, best selling author and educator, columnist for The West End Times Newspaper and also appears regularly on 800 AM CJAD’s Passion radio program. Come out and meet Frank in person at Frank’s weekly relationship workshops offered every Saturday night from 7pm to 9pm. Frank can be reached through frank@franktalks.com F
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reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (5 June 2012):
Frank B Kermit is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the comments everyone!
You all can learn more about my works on the emotional needs of women and men at this link:
http://www.franktalks.com/emotionalneeds
Check out the free media interviews I have done to learn more about my lessons.
-Frank
A
male
reader, Mosaic  +, writes (5 June 2012):
 this is a verry interesting article. im not a jerk so ive had bad luck with relationships. this sheds some light on some of my behaviors that may have contributed to short lived relationships. and some of my behaviors have made relationships more successful and now i know why. with this new knowledge i will try to better my current relationship. and i thank you for the article Mr. Kermit
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reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (15 May 2012):
 This makes a lot of sense, nice one frank :)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (12 May 2012):
 I want to feel like a lover every day, not just Mother's day or Valentine's day. This article is condensed and is worth researching each line and its sources. Hopefully good men learn how to stir up passion without being jerks. Women also have to do less so that the men can do more. When men withdraw it is a woman's tendency to do more so he can appreciate her but the effect is that the man feels more suffocated and withdraws even more. Mother's day is a day when a woman gets pampered by a man and forget the burdens of a mother. How funny. I am awaiting an article next month about Father's day, the role of man in a woman's life.
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