A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am the MOH for my friends wedding. This will be her second wedding and his first wedding. They both live in separate apartments. He has the typical bachelor pad with barely nothing. She is a little better off, but could really use some new things, since she moved out leaving the majority of household items with her ex. Due to circumstances and wedding etiquette we are not throwing a typical bridal shower. We have decide to throw a couples bbq/shower/cookout where both men and women will be invited from both sides and mutual friends. Just a low key bbq really. The bride has expressed that she does not want to come off tacky by having a typical shower where everyone brings a gift. The couple is registered though. Can we put something on the bottom of the invite to say that they are registered but gifts not necessary. Is this rude or tacky? Maybe something like "just the present of your presence is requested. Jack and Jill have an OPTIONAL registry at XYZ store." Or do you have any other ideas on how to word it correctly?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 May 2012):
 More guidance from the same site: http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/remarriage/443-second-shower
"My attendants want to have a shower for me, but I'm worried that people will think this is just too much, since I had showers the first time I was married and that wasn't very long ago. Is it OK to have a shower or should I just tell them to skip it?
"It's OK to have a shower, as long as you are careful with the guest list. People who were invited to your previous showers should not be invited again, with the exception of your mom, of course, and very close relatives and friends who would want to be there. Your new friends may also be invited, as well as your fiancé's family members. If he has been married before, the guest list should not include his relatives or friends who attended any showers for his first wife, unless they are especially close to him or you. An option: Instead of a shower, your attendants might rather have a small luncheon or tea for you -- sans gifts."
Personally, I'd just send an invitation to the close friends and not mention anything about gifts whatsoever in the invitation. When they RSVP, and if they ask you, then you can give them the name of the registry.
I think the best way to think about the gift issue is to remember that gifts should NOT be expected, and are purely at the discretion of those invited. So don't mention them in writing anywhere near an invitation, not even writing "no gifts, please!" as that would be mentioning gifts.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 May 2012):
You wrote "Due to circumstances and wedding etiquette we are not throwing a typical bridal shower." So you are sticking to wedding etiquette? This means you do not signal, in any way, that gifts are expected at this shower. You don't put anything registry related in writing. If people want to bring gifts, let them either select them themselves or they can contact you for information on the registry.
It's really easy these days to find registries on line anyway. Google the bride or groom's name and the word 'registry' and voila! A list appears.
Here is a site that may offer some etiquette guidance for you: http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/remarriage/592-getting-married-again
The etiquia portion of the site answers most of these types of questions. I understand that in bridal shower etiquette a separate slip of paper with the registry information on it isn't consider taboo, but never ever in the wedding invitation.
From the site: "It is perfectly acceptable to have a shower for a second marriage. In general, the guest list should be made up of new friends of the bride or the couple or close friends and relatives. It is better not to invite guests, other than the closest of friends, who attended a shower for the first marriage."
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 May 2012):
 I honestly wouldn't worry too much. People who are invited to a wedding know that "it's expected" to give a gift and the usual etiquette is to call/text/e-mail MOH or the Bride's mother and as for the registry/gift life. And then you can send them a link to the registry. Word of mouth is the best way to loop everyone in on your registry. Make sure your wedding party and parents know so they can clue in guests when they ask.
Some people add the registry to their websites such as facebook, but again it's a personal choice.
I HAVE seen a wedding invitation where they didn't have a registry but only wanted money and I found immensely tacky.
As for the shower, I assume people will call SOMEONE with a confirmation that they are coming or not? Correct? So THAT would be the perfect time to let people know that the couple aren't expecting gift at the shower.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 May 2012):
 No no !, printing out where you are registered is a faux pas even for a first wedding ! - If guests ask the couple or their parents what gift is desired , it's OK to say " There's a list at...", but one never mentions gifts first , unless to the very closest relatives ; the polite assumption being that the happy couple does not care at all about gifts , and all they are spending so much money and effort on, is the pleasure of your presence at the joyful event :)- and if you really INSIST to give them a gift, well, they can't stop you , can they, but you will have to work for this privilege.
For a second wedding- it would be even less appropriate to, basically, say out loud : we want this and that. Don't worry , 99 percent of people who accept a wedding invitation is perfectly aware that it comes with strings attached and that the proper thing to do is bringing or sending a gift, so the vast majority of this vast majority will ask. They will call, or email, and then you can slip the info about the registry.
For the few irredeemable that won't ask- well, the happy couple will have to resign themselves to get a couple of extra blenders or silver frames that they don't know what to do with. Maybe they can exchange the unwanted gifts later on :).
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 May 2012):
 It's rude to list where they are registered.
I would pass the word VERBALLY to your friends if you want to... and then let them know that gifts are not required or requested but IN CASE they want to shower their friends this is where they can get ideas for what they want...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): Why did they registered then if they don't want presents? That makes no sence
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