A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My current girlfriend and I are both college graduates and young professionals in our mid-twenties. We have been together for just over six months. Our romance was nearly perfect for the first two and a half months and I was convinced that "she was the one." As we got closer, though, I began to learn more and more about her past...G/f has had a lot of sexual partners prior to me. While I've been with a grand total of 4 other women (all long term, committed relationships), she's been with nearly 20 other guys (some of which were just one-night-stands). As a result of one of these encounters, she also got pregnant and eventually had an abortion. Aside from experimenting sexually, she also experimented with drugs quite liberally in college (cocaine, opium, acid, shrooms, hashish, vicodin, ritalin, weed, etc.).She revealed these things to me because she trusts me and wants to be fully honest. Honestly, I wish she hadn't told me about some of it. I'm definitely a pretty liberal, open-minded guy, but I'm having a hard time reconciling the idea of a potential mother of my children with a woman who has had nearly 20 sexual partners, an abortion, and has experimented with drugs to such an extent. Now, we argue almost daily and I'm inclined to think that part of it is my resentment that she did these things. I know it's totally unfair, but I'm very disappointed that this smart, beautiful, funny woman made so many terrible choices in high school and college. I love my g/f, but I hate her past. Am I being insensitive? Unfair?What's worse, I'm now feeling inclined to do similarly bad things so that I won't feel so superior to her. Will this help me to get over my hang ups or will this just make things worse?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2007): I'm on the same boat as your GF... except my BF and I are younger than you. But still he has a different view on my past. He holds the idea of sex only in committed relationships. I was a virgin until I had sex with him, but I had made out with a couple of strangers and had given oral sex to a friend with benefits. We're still dealing with those issues. We love each other to death... he hasn't broken up with me because he says that even though he dislikes my past, he loves me more because of my other wonderful qualities. I have put up with several harsh words he's used on me (I hate you, s**t, wh**e, I wish I never met you...), because I know it's anger talking. And I also know I won't find anyone as good as him.
He also believes, however, that just because I did those things in my past I'll do them again. That's his main fear. And I wouldn't do such things 'cos I'm more mature now. He's been cheated on by two previous gfs, so he thinks the story might repeat. But I can't just convince him it won't, he's stubborn. The thing I'm hoping here is that one day he'll realize I'm not the same person that I was in my past, the person that he fears. I know that takes commitment from me, not just him, but I'm willing to show him. (It also takes commitment from him to learn to trust). I could've just walked away. So could've your gf. But she hasn't cos she loves you.
A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (26 July 2007):
 I sense you are emotional about the situation. Maybe I can help focus on the facts of what specifically is bothering you that is preventing you from saying "this is the girl for me". I understand the comitted relationship vs casual sex part, but you have now said that it is definately part of it. What's the other parts? I think I can say that you are concerned that she has displayed "risky behavior" in the past, and you see that as a "warning sign". Are there any other "warning signs"? In your heart and mind do you see these "warning signs" as enough to disqualify her as "the girl for me"? If they are, then you need to let her go. If they're not, then you need to move forward. You will need to commit a direction in your heart and mind, if you don't then she will sense it. I can feel for you, but so can every human that's ever been hurt in a relationship and puts a high level of importance on trust. I think what you're feeling is normal. If you love her, that's a start. If you see her behavior change and become "risky again", then you may need to make a different decision. Be a strong and confident male and treat her like a Queen. If you see that she is responsive and reciprocate, then chances will become less that she will need to revert back to her former "lifestye". If you're weak, she may start her searching again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's definitely part of it, DJ8433. She's still inclined to smoke a little something from time to time, even though she's a good five years removed from college. Will she eventually revert to the party lifestyle again? Here's an example: for a time, in college, g/f smoked grass on a daily basis. As an adult, I certainly don't want to be with someone who's doing that now. She doesn't do it now, I just don't want to see her revert to those tendencies.She says it was a phase and she didn't find what she was looking for there: she was "young and dumb" (her words, not mine). So, I guess many of my fears are unfounded. I just needed a sounding board, I guess.
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A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (26 July 2007):
 I get a little worried over the word “superior” here. This word does not fit in with healthy relationships. You are supposed to be equals (which not means you must do the same things she did). Can you love someone deeply and at the same time feel superior to him/her? I think you must decide what you really feel about her, do you respect her? Otherwise, let her go.
And what makes you so sure you are the superior one here anyway? Her past has given her a lot of life experience. I’m not saying it is good to do a lot of dangerous and self destructive things, but it seems like this woman today has become a very good person. Even someone with your high standard is considering marrying her ;-). All her past (and there must be a lot of good stuff there too) have made her into this beautiful, smart, funny woman you know today. And she knows a lot about what is going on out there. These events in her past have made her a wise woman who would probably become a good, caring, wise mother for your children. She will definitely spot and be able to handle them when they start trying out their boundaries...
Wish you luck
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male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (26 July 2007):
So you've said your real issue concerns sex in a comitted relationship vs casual sex. I assume then you are wanting to know if she is done having fun and ready to settle down.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (26 July 2007):
 Everyone has different standards of what is considered acceptable. If you agree with that then you either accept your girlfriend for all that she is or leave her alone. What you're doing now is punishing her with your judgment for something she did before she ever even knew you. If she doesn't meet your standards, move on. You can't go back in time.
Really, who do you think you are, to make her argue with her her past. I'm sure it makes her feel bad about herself. Do you enjoy that? She can't change it and owes you no apologies. EVEN if her past isn't as glorious as you'd like, what's done is done. Maybe she did make mistakes, again I ask, what can she do. You say, "I know it's totally unfair" Then you ask if you're being unfair. Yes you are!! These mistakes were only mistakes in your book.
My point was valid. I'm referring to the one about a virgin not wanting you because you slept with another person. What I was trying to get across to you was this. Would it make you a bad or inferior man because you had sex with five people? The answer is YES, in the eyes of some people with rigid standards. So if you met a woman who thought you were bad because you did this, how would you change it? The answer is you couldn't. You'd say .......I only had sex with women I felt connected to..... She'd argue ....that the bible says pre maritial sex is wrong..... If she tormented you and passed judgment on you all the time because of that, you'd eventually leave her. This is what will probably happen to you.
So, you don't love her for what she is. You love her for what you wish she was. You are being unfair to her. Let her go. Although you are not superior to her, she will never be able to reach the level of decency that you've placed yourself at.
You do not have to like what she did and I can actually understand why it bothers you. Only you can change though. It sounds like SHE already has. Do you feel inferior to these other men she's been with?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, Eddie, but YOU are completely missing the point. It has NOTHING to do with pre-marital sex. I don't have an interest in being with a woman who is "saving herself" for marriage.
The dilemma I'm talking about is sex in committed relationships versus casual sex... nothing more. I didn't want to date a virgin; I just don't understand sleeping with someone you aren't deeply connected to on an emotional level.
How can you not understand that?
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (25 July 2007):
You missed my point. How would you feel to be judged because you had pre-maritial sex? You set your own standards, you have to live and die by them. It's your choice. She may not be the girl for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, Eyeswideopen and TaylorChu. Your perspective helps.
Eddie--I'm 27 years old, so I doubt I'd find too many women my age that are virgins. In fact, I wouldn't be interested in starting a relationship with a virgin, period. More to the point, I'm not saying I want to date another woman. I love my current g/f, so I'm trying to get over these things.
For me, though, there is a difference between casual sex and sex in a long-term, committed relationship. Any woman that I sleep with has the potential of mothering my child, so I tend to treat sex pretty seriously. I've never had a one-night-stand and I've never had a casual sexual encounter. I have honestly loved every woman I've ever slept with. By her own admission, half of my g/f's partners have been "casual" in nature, hook-ups in college or at work. In fact, she had a one-night-stand with a guy, got pregnant and aborted the pregnancy without the guy ever even knowing.
Classifying me as a player in any way would be a pretty big stretch.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 July 2007):
 Well you certainly could use a little loosening up but don't go about it the wrong way. Just try to relax and enjoy your relationship without creating problems that really shouldn't exist. If she decides to smoke with her buddies you don't have to join in if you'd rather not. I don't think that makes you look pruddish or superior, just a man who knows his own mind. What I'm trying to convey is that you DO seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill and are risking your relationship with a very lovely lady. I would hate for you to lose her.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (25 July 2007):
Ok, if she was wrong to experiment before you came along, how would you like to change the past? What could she do. Why do you want to crucify her.
Here's a scenario for you.... Let's say she can't erase the past enough for you and you break up. You go on to your next girlfriend. She is a virgin and has only dated a couple guys. Here's the question...how are you going to erase your past to please her? After all, you slept with 5 women. To her, you'd be a player....a moral tramp. I'd like to hear your answer to that please. By the way, the fact that was in the past and you're a great guy now would make no difference because by your own standards....It happened.
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A
female
reader, TaylorChu +, writes (25 July 2007):
 Dude~ keep your purity!!!! No need to go off and become dirtier just to match what her PAST was in your mind!! Love her for who she is. So what she was a wild cat! She isnt the same person she was back then. Stop thinking about the past and what she did and encourage and love the woman you have right now.
Also, to be in a relationship there has to be trust and communication and most of all HONESTY. It is better to know where she came from than for it to slam into you in the future. It is better to know these things now than to be blindsided by them when you are well into your marriage. She has opened herself up to the core telling you these things. That shows respect for you and how dearly she loves you. Love opens itself all the way up. The position you are in is in her heart of hearts. That is as far as you or anyone else on the planet can go and it is an honorable place to be in.
Talk to her. Dont be intimidated by the poor choices she made when young! The last thing she needs is the man who loves her to judge what her former self did. Love her and marry her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's a little more complicated than that, Eyeswideopen. G/f still enjoys a smoke and whatnot every once in a while (usually if we visit her friends from college). Thus, I don't partake and come across as prudish or suffering from a superiority complex. I never said a rampage; I meant that maybe we'd be closer if I loosened up a bit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's a little more complicated than that, Eyeswideopen. G/f still enjoys a smoke and whatnot every once in a while (usually if we visit her friends from college). Thus, I don't partake and come across as prudish or suffering from a superiority complex. I never said a rampage; I meant that maybe we'd be closer if I loosened up a bit.
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A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (25 July 2007):
You are who you are, you feel what you feel. Why do you want to change who you are for someone else? Do what you think is right for you. I told my fiance that I don't want to know what she did before we were engaged, but she insists on telling me things. I don't care because everyone has a past, and a woman, unless she's a virgin and you're her first will have a past. It's up to you really. If you think that her past behavior makes her "too risky" for you, then end the relationship. If the emotion is consuming you, then there's a reason. Trust your gut. You are who you are, you feel what you feel. There is no right or wrong when it comes to emotion. If you feel you need to have 20 sexual partners, then tell her you need to experience more of life. If your in a committed relationship then be honest, don't get into the messin around bit. Don't get caught up in the drama, "Be a man". Decide what you want to do and do it.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 July 2007):
Wow your reasoning is as clear as mud, Buddy. Why would your going on a sex and drug rampage help anything? If you love the woman in the present why would you give a rip about her past? If you can't get beyond this then this relationship need to be terminated. She has to have the chance to find the guy who can appreciate the woman she's become.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): her past is makes up the person she is today, you cant just seperate that from her. If she is not taking part in undesirable activites at the present, and you say you love her, why should this be an issue? clearly you are not as liberal as you think you are. Its your problem, deal with it, dont take it on her. And if you can't, then leave her, and i am sure you will be both be happier for it.
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