A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help dealing with a situation. About 18 months ago I met a guy. He was fine and gentlemanly. On the fourth date, he got quite intimidating and clearly wanted sex. He got lairy. I was scared and intimidated but luckily as he did not have any protection we did not do the deed. We had no contact after that. I did phone him to confront him but left it.However this week I see this same guy on a dating website. I am worried he will do the same with other girls and don't know what action to take. He did not commit any criminal offence as he did not have protection but he was very intimidating and I was scared. I did not go to the police as we were on a date and felt I had nothing concrete to report. I don't know what action to take. I have reported him to the website but his profile is still up.What should I do? I feel I need to warn other women but can I protect them against aggressive jerks? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (22 November 2013):
 OP, you've done what you can. As unsettling as it is to think he is still out there free to prey on other women, but as you say, he's got several accounts and profiles. To report each one would make you a stalker. Besides, he can just as easily delete one account and start up another.
I don't think you should have confronted him about the encounter after the fact. He doesn't care. He didn't get what he wanted and he's already moved on. As far as he's concerned, you're not a real person who matters but a thing he wanted to use for his own ends. Your opinion of the evening and of him means less to him than the prize in a cereal box.
It was decent of you to try to warn other women. You did what you could.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): I had that problem some months ago, luckily I never met the jerk! He was not only aggressive but he was mean and told me that he was gonna sodomize me. I did contact the staff and his profile was removed for harassing me. And I got in a few choice words before blocking him which made me feel more powerful. It is good that you tried to protect yourself and you want to protect other women from the same thing. There are all kinds of men on dating sites. They give tips on what to look out for and that's good, and a guy sometimes can be fine and charming but can fool women easily. I always have a plan if I intend to meet a guy for a date.
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female
reader, peteloevely +, writes (22 November 2013):
 certain websites have a dating experience report where you can write about users from that website on how the date went. and you can give them marks and explain in detail what did go wrong.other websites have forums where you can talk about different topics and one of date is dating experience with uses of that website... try and see if those dating websites have any of those fractures.however i do feel you should Not that this as your duty! but rather as a learning experience, because you cannot prevent this guy or people like him from existing, but you can learn from this and make sure you educate your self on how to pick up signs from the men you date in the future, this will allow you to weed out men like him in the future to come.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (21 November 2013):
Dear OP,
I think you already did enough.
In the end, if the guy wants to be aggressive towards women, he will be so. Whether he meets the girl in a bar or on a dating site. Even if you were able to remove him from this site, he most likely wouldn't stop dating women. I know this is just sad and not cheering you up. I wish that dating sites were more responsible towards this kind of problem and that it wouldn't be so hard to warn people.
Do you need help to cope with what you've been through? I think it's also important you look at that. And maybe you want to switch sites yourself, so you don't get to check out his profile.
Was there anything that could have warned you about this, on the first or second date? Was there any way you could have realised he's not the gentleman he pretends to be? Or is he a really clever, manipulating person?
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (21 November 2013):
 You could try putting it in writing and post a letter off to the head quarters of the dating site. They might take that more seriously than reporting him online. They may not remove his profile but you'll have done your best. You can also leave an online review about the dating website if you feel they haven't done enough - there are various online review centres.
I think your post serves as a timely reminder to anyone who reads it to be so careful with online dating. So while you can't directly warn any women about this particular man, you've reminded us all about the possible dangers of meeting any stranger.
I'm glad you weren't more seriously affected.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): You had a bad experience with the guy. That doesn't mean everyone will. If he had a history of roughing up women, it is likely he'd already be caught by now.You had an unfortunate and scary incident; and made record of it with the site. They now assume some limited responsibility. There is at least one complaint on file. You can't imply someone is a sex-offender; because he was intimidating or you personally found him too aggressive. This may only be an isolated incident, and I am happy you came out of it unscathed. Had he been as criminal as you imply, you most likely wouldn't have. Even if you had reported to the police, they would have questioned the circumstances. Was there heavy drinking, were you consensually making out, how well do you know him?Where did you meet? Not intended to squash or diminish the complaint; but to assess the whole situation in observance of the rights of both people involved. If there is no visible or testable evidence of an assault, it's your word against his. However; you still have the benefit of a police report on file.You might find this offensive and inflammatory, even an affront to women. It means you have to be careful when dating online; and such risk is always involved. It also means both parties involved have rights; because there is such a thing as slander and false reporting. Dates that go wrong, but no criminal offenses committed.You did the right thing. They may not go on the word of just one person. However; if it happens again, then it is likely his membership will be cancelled. It doesn't mean he can't just go somewhere else. You don't have a right to spread potentially slanderous material on anyone. You made the decision not to involve the police; and concluded on your own there was no criminal offense. Please be very careful. Be sure your dating site is well-known and reputable. Always meet in public places.Don't divulge personal information, or bring them home; until you are totally familiar, and have had several successful dates. Always arrive in your own car or by cab; until you feel absolutely safe with any guy you meet. You can also arrange for a friend to pick you up at a certain time, the first date or two. Just in case you're a little tipsy, you feel uneasy, or creeped-out. Even guys should practice these precautions. It's a crazy world.Let friends know what he looks like, and where you're meeting him. Keep your cell phone handy to record threats; or fast-dial a friend on standby.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): There's nothing you can do and you should let it go and be happy nothing happened. Look at how old he is, he's most likely done this kind of thing before, did you get any warning off his previous dates?
Well there you go. If there's nothing you can get him on, no illegal act which there wasn't then you are powerless and should just move on.
Who knows, maybe that's the first time he ever acted like that, it's out of character, he deeply regrets it and won't do it again with another woman. The situation is finished with, you have no recourse to punish him for that and no way of knowing which women he is dating etc.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (21 November 2013):
 Even though he was intimidating and aggressive there isn't anything more you can do. The police have said there is no case and you have reported him to the dating site. They can block him, but most sites rarely bother unless an offence has been committed.
You cant really warn other women because you dont know who he is dating, so again nothing to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): Some dating sites let you post a "testimonial" of people you've met on line, or some kind of rating. ...I know PlentyOfFish.com does, but not sure about some of the others. I agree with what other people said, that the best you can do is contact the site admins/moderators and inform them of your experience. Most sites on the web have a "contact us" option, and you can inform them that the username "NotSoNiceGuy" really is a danger to people on this site. Beyond that, I am afraid it is out of your hands. There is a chance though that other girls would also complain against him, and maybe after so many complaints his profile(s) will be removed.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 November 2013):
 I dont think there is anything you can do I'm afraid apart from elaborating further to the dating site, maybe even ringing them if you can. You need to go to town on the part where he was aggressive with you and make it very clear that you were lucky to walk away unharmed.
But then again even if this one site blocks him, are you actually going to ring every dating site available in the UK and warn them about him?
I dont think it is possible for you to prevent other women dating this man, and you never know he might not behave that way with other women, it could have been a one off. If you dont get anywhere with the dating site that you have already spoken to then you are just going to have to leave it, he will get whats coming to him eventually if he acts like this again with other women.
You are pretty powerless in all of this and cannot protect every woman from this man, you have done your best by contacting this dating site and if they choose not to take action that is their choice.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 November 2013):
 What did the dating site say? Did they get back to you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): Question asker here:Well I know he has switched dating sites from a very famous paid site a free site (biggest site in Europe). He may have other profiles too. I am worried about the he\she said aspect. He would have a right to defend himself and I am sure will say I'm crazy etc. Additionally I want to be anonymous obviously for safety reasons. He came onto me aggressively, was a bit physical and it was more luck than anything I walked away relatively unscathed.I spoke to the police and they said unless an offence has been committed they are powerless to act. I can't see what else I can do. ...
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 November 2013):
I would actually CALL the Police and ask what you should do. And I would call the 1-800 number (or whatever number they have on the dating site) and TALK to someone.
It's kind of hard because this is a he/she said. If they ask him on the website, he might say that you are unstable and that he did nothing wrong.
Unfortunately men like him can switch dating site and find new prey and there isn't much you can do.
Does the dating site have a rating?
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