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anonymous
writes:21 November 2013: My 29 year old son has just got himself a good job but he is on 6 months probation before his position is confirmed. He needs a car to get to and from work and has no money to fund the purchase himself. He is unlikely to be able to get credit because of previous problems and I offered to lend him some money over 3 years.The problem is that he is being very insistent about the make of car that he wants and won't consider newer a more basic model that would give better value for money and would be easier to sell.This is causing a lot of tension between us and is turning the whole situation into an unpleasant experience.I don't like using money as a control mechanism but I feel I have to protect myself in case he loses his job and can't afford the repayments. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2013): Don't help him out. Stay out of his personal affairs. If he didn't ask for your help but you saw how he is in a difficult situation of his own making and you just have this need to swoop in and make it all better for him so you can rest easier not worrying about him....well, don't. If he didn't ask for your help then it can feel very intrusive and insulting to him that you want to meddle in his affairs, like you don't have faith he can work his way out of his problems by himself. Maybe that is the source of the tension - he wants autonomy to solve his own problems and set his own goals (the car he wants) versus you wanting to help him when he doesn't want to be helped so he rejects the help itself (the car you want to get for him) .But...If he asked you for a car, then he is in no position to dictate what type of car it should be. Beggars can't be choosers.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 November 2013):
 Btw, (yeah, I know I've commented a lot now), I do find it somewhat insulting that my generation is called ungrateful. Exactly WHO do you think taught their kids to be ungrateful?
If people think their kids are ungrateful then perhaps they should take a closer look at how they raised them. Place the responsibility where it belongs.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 November 2013):
Sorry, *daddy, not mommy.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 November 2013):
You should never offer money up like that. But now you have, and I think it'd be poor manners to withdraw the offer just because you don't approve of what he wants to spend money on.
If you lend him the money you need to let him do whatever he wants with it. Really. If you don't think he can make sensible decisions then why on earth would you entrust him with your money? Makes no sense.
Set up a sum of money you are comfortable giving away. Call it a loan, but don't count on it being repaid. Do NOT put yourself in a difficult financial situation because of him and whatever recklessness he does. Do NOT put yourself in a situation where you will depend on him repaying you. You can't afford to GIVE him the money, then you can't afford to LEND him the money. Simple as that.
So, set up the sum you can possibly lend him, and if that isn't enough for the fancy car he wants then tough luck. He's an adult, not a baby, he'll get by.
Although for the future I do advice you to be a lot more firm. Do not lend him money. He is in this financial mess because he doesn't know how to deal with money, what makes you think lending him money will accomplish? It'll only teach him that he doesn't need to learn how to handle money, because mommy will always bail him out.
Trust me, my boyfriend is like shit with money and the primary reason is because his parents always pity the "poor guy who is always broke" and always GIVE HIM money! He never has to save, he doesn't see a reason why to save money, he doesn't see a need to budget, and he's never really been broke! There is no way he will ever learn either, until his parents stop babying him and paying for his every bit of bad sense of economics.
Be a good parent: let your son starve and be broke. He needs to learn how to walk without you always holding his hand. One day you will die, and he'll be in an even bigger mess if he hasn't learned to get by on his own by then.
If he "needs" a car then he needs to find an alternative. Get up 2 hours early to walk to work, for example. It's been done before.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): How about you just loan him a set amoint or money and then let him decide how he will use it?
If you want or need more control over the help you're giving him, then buy the car yourself without his input then that is the only car he has available to borrow from you. What is he going to do - continue to go without a car and unable to get around, all because he doesn't like the car that is available for him to use? Let him try that for a few weeks or months and see if he changes his tune. If he would choose to go into deeper debt to buy or lease a car he cannot afford all because he doesn't like the one that's available to him then that's his choice as an adult. In which case stop bailing him out since he is making the decisions to worsen his financial situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): My husband and I are young to be married in this day and age (24) and certainly don't have spare cash hanging around after the mortgage and bills go out and realise we have a lot more responsibilities than many if our friends who live at home, or house share. When my husband recently got a new job it meant he no longer had a company vehicle and we needed another car. Instead of crying to our parents we made serious cuts to our outgoings (pasta for a month is tiring, declined expensive social get togethers etc...) to get £250 and bought a car ourselves. So it's not flashy and new but it runs well, cheap to insure and fuel also. Our family would help us if they could, but we were both brought up watching our parents work hard for every penny and actually respect the fact our parents might need the money as much as we do.What I'm trying to say is if we can do it, then so can your son. I study full time at Uni, have a full time job and part time job also and despite my husband having an incredible job, the travelling he does adds up and we aren't well off. If he's already started his job then he has money coming in and if he wants a particular car, well then he can get a second job and save up. It doesn't always help to provide constant hand outs.As for him wanting a certain make and model of car, I would firmly tell him that he's lucky to have the offer of getting a car and if he wants something else well he can work hard and get it himself. As for now, if I were you I'd get in eBay and trade-it and find him 4 wheels that has tax and MOT that can get him from a to b. If he doesn't like it, let him sort his own stuff out.
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reader, Brokenv  +, writes (21 November 2013):
You sound like a very caring and loving father. It is too bad that you son does not reconginze that. I think you should go out and purchase a car for your son and have it in the laneway when he comes home. What I mean by purchase is a used older car. I would not get anything new. You don't want to get "caught" in a situation that is going to cost you. Tell your son this is the vehicle for him to use and after his pobation sell the car and he can go out and get what he wants. He is to return the money that you let him borrow. That way you are not too far in for the cost of the car. I find it odd that you are worried about his probation time. Do you think he will not get past it? I think you are a wonderful father. Don't let your son hold you "emotional hostage". If he can not get past what you are being so kind to do then I think the bus/transit/subway is the best way for him to travel.Best wishes to you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): Sniff, sniff! I smell some father-son rivalry here!You should offer him payment in the form of a cashiers check (save your receipt), and have your son sign a promissory note. Avoid co-signing a loan, or offering payment in cash. You'll regret it.Maybe he is behaving too entitled, by being too choosy; and offering you grief when you're doing him a favor. However; there is another side to the story. Offer a set amount, and let him work with it. Where repayment is concerned, you have every right to set the terms. It's your money. Let him decide on what kind of car he purchases with the money. Offer the benefit of your advice, then leave the rest up to him.He'll just have to wrangle a better deal to get more bang for the buck. Let that be his problem. You're lending him the money. It's good that you've thrown in a little free financial advice; but the deal is about a car loan. Or is it?He is an adult, and this is a business-transaction. He's not 17, and daddy isn't offering him a graduation gift.You no longer have tell him how to make decisions. You don't have to use cash as an extension of your affection, proof of your love, or a tool of control. It is money, and a helping-hand. Leave it at that.As for the tension. That is a side-effect from your history of pushing him without trusting he can run on his own steam. He knows how to push back. You take the resistance to mean he has some kind of issue with you. No, he is reminding you that he is a grown man. In spite of his mistakes.It's a reflex action when he thinks you're being critical by judging him on his past mistakes; and always holding them above his head. He'd relax and listen; if you didn't make him feel stupid. You sugar-coat criticism, by offering it as advice.If you have some form of guilt, an unresolved family issue you've never made up for. Get on it. Resolve that as a separate issue. Do not let this exchange be tainted with old baggage with your son, that has lingered as a bone of contention between you. You're both probably stubborn. You're trying to control him in subtle ways, and he calls you out on it. Something my dad used to do. Dads often offer their help and protection, in the form of control. Setting off anger or resentment; is normally from some unrelated issue. If that is the case. Keep that out of this. If you can financially afford to help, then you know how to conduct a decent business transaction. You also know how to offer fatherly advice; without disguising it as a Trojan Horse. You cannot buy control over your son with a car.Use logic, not remote control. The objective is, to help him get the vehicle he needs. He takes it the rest of the way. Confine your concerns to getting your money back as agreed.There you have it.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (21 November 2013):
 You are offering to GIVE a car to your no-good son???? ....and he is BITCHIN' that it doesn't meet his preferences????? The "answer" to this is simple: You say to him: "Sonny, I am (was) offering to GIVE you this car. IF'n you don't like it.... then don't accept it... and I will return it to the dealership and go on with (my) life. In the meanwhile, YOU can figure out how to get your ass around.... as I am done with you..."
Did you REALLY raise this inconsiderate child? ... and you're almost-ready to give him a "pass" for this behaviour???? I assume that you've seen the error in your submittal, by now...
Good luck....
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 November 2013):
 Wow, that is pretty ungrateful of him.
Sounds like my nieces to be honest... And my BIL is paying for it. Because they couldn't go with a used or cheaper car, he now has to "help" them make the car payment EVERY month (this is 2 grown kids 21 and 24) because he co-signed the loans and IF they don't pay every months HIS credit rating goes in the toilet.
My suggestion is, IF you have a SET amount, then tell him that. If he them was an Audi Quattro, he can get one DOWN the line when HE has the money. If all he can buy is used Ford Focus he should be grateful to have wheels.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): Simple, stick to the offer you made and he has the choice of taking it or leaving it. He doesn't get to negotiate the terms of a gift you're giving him.
OP beggars can't be choosers and for a guy with a history of being shit with money you have to cover your own ass here. Because you know all too well you're unlikely to get all your money back on this.
Offer him this deal on your terms, take it or leave it. he can choose the model he wants when he's paying for it himself.
Oh and that car is to remain your name until he has paid it off, only then will you sign it over to him.
If he didn't have such bad credit he could get his own loan, but that's not the case.
Your offer is not only reasonable it's a very generous offer to make. Having a bad credit rating means he's bad with money when it's official, you're unofficial so he'll be even worse with it.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2013):
 You can offer to buy him a car. Since it's your money you can control the type of car.
HE has the right to refuse your gift.
I would say "son I am willing to buy you abc car but I cannot in good conscious buy or allow you to buy with my money xyz car" therefore, if you can't accept the gift I WANT to give you, then I will NOT be giving you a gift at all"
to be honest however, if you are lending him money to buy a car, you should just lend him the money and let him buy what he wants... do not put your name on the car loan or anything else and set up a repayment plan with you IN WRITING.
When in the past I borrowed money from my dad I set up an auto pay out of my checking account and I paid him back without any issue as it went automatically every pay period.
Once I had paid him back, my silly daddy gave me the money back and said "I saved it for you here it is" but I'm spoiled that way...
IF you lend him money and he does what he wants and it backfires in his face, he will still OWE YOU THE MONEY and he may learn a lesson.
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reader, dougbcoll +, writes (21 November 2013):
 "he is being very insistent about the make of car that he wants and wont consider". the way I look at it begger's can't be choosers. what ever happened to kids being grateful to their parents that is helping them out? he is 29 years old and an adult. I work with this guy that is 60 or 61, still helping out one of his kids!!! the kid is 38 years old, as long as he is giving out the free money his son is going to take it, and never learn to stand on his own two feet. you should make it clear to your son he is 29 an adult and you are not obligated to owe him anything. you could buy him the car you were planing on purchasing , and your son can trade it in for what his heart desire's later after he gets established . i have gone through this to some what my self with my son. he had gotten in some trouble,s , and now going back to school to get his life back on track. I believe in second chance,s and helping. my son lost his car and needed one I gave him my old pickup truck its not much but gets him to school and back. Today I can see this generation is not grateful for much, and think that we the parents owe them. they think they should have everything that we own that took years to get.
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (21 November 2013):
 He is being incredibly selfish and ungrateful - you cant be soft with him anymore and you need to put your foot down. He either considers a cheaper model that is better value for money, or he doesnt get a car at all and has to find his own way to work without your help.
He is 29 after all, he is a grown man and needs to stop acting like a teenager. This would be a fairly normal problem if we were talking about a 17 year old boy who wants a cooler car than his parents can afford, but this is a man who is nearly 30, who should be standing on his own 2 feet by now and should at least have the maturity to see how generous you are being and should be grateful for ANY car, regardless of make and model.
He sounds like a spoilt brat to be honest, so you need to be firm. Give him a strict budget that he cannot go over, and explain that he needs to think about the long term value of the car so when he comes to sell this car on it wont be worthless. If he still chooses to be a baby and harp on about a more expensive model, then you tell him sorry but its either the cheaper car or nothing.
You are not his personal bank, at his age parents should not still be bailing out their children so he is incredibly lucky that you are even offering this money. I'm 26 and rent my own flat, have bought my own new car and have not required my parents to bail me out of anything since I was 18 (apart from a brief £400 loan that was paid back in 2 months).
You are his father so you are the one that has to be firm with him - he'll never learn about life and money if you are soft with him. So in this case its your way or no car - its your money so you have to protect yourself, if he wants your help he does it your way. If he refuses to do it your way, dont give him the money and he has to find his own way to work without a car. Simple as that.
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reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (21 November 2013):
 Can I suggest you tell him that this is a car you want and will be loaning it to him, till he can afford to buy his own car. Sounds like you offering a finger to help him and he wants your hand.
If he is ready to turn a new leave and make a success of himself he will accept the car on your terms. If not don't waste your time and money as he has not changed and sounds not very appreciative.
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