A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met this woman when we were both in high school, somewhere around 15 years ago. She had the biggest crush on me. Throughout the years we've dated off and on, but never anything official or remotely serious. She was always madly in love with me, but there were to reasons why I never wanted to explore what we could have had together. The first reason was because she wasn't as physically attractive as I would like. I was young, so I spent my late teens and early twenties partying with all sorts of beautiful women on a regular basis, so my thoughts turned to her vary rarely if at all. Another reason was because she literally worshiped the ground that I walked on. I'm sure many of you would agree that it can be quite annoying dealing with someone who always agrees with you and so forth. We were always close friends though. I gave her many life lessons and I believe that the woman that I care so much about today was created out of her complete willingness to please me. Now I look at things and we have so much in common. She is almost my mirror image of likes and dislikes, but she has also formed her own opinions about things, which makes me that much more attracted to her. When I turned 25 I was done with the whole club scene and dealing with woman who were beautiful on the outside but ugly within. We had always kept close, so I finally asked her to be in a serious relationship with me, but she had a lot going on in her life (fighting cancer) so she told me no. I was a little distraught, I thought a door that was forever open was now closed to me, but I did (in my opinion) the best thing I could, tried to move on with my life. I started dating again, found a relationship and was mostly happy for several years. Out of the blue, she pops back into my life again, telling me that she is in a (long distance) relationship that she could never be completly satisfied in because, she's always thinking about me. We began to cheat on our respective partners. After about 6 months of this we couldn't deal with the guilt and decided to end our relationships. That was about 6 months ago. As of now we haven't got together yet. I feel like we have already wasted so much time, so I've been putting in a lot of effort trying to court her, but she keeps giving me all the excuses as to why she wants to wait. Since we broke off our relationships, we've probably seen each other 5 times in six months. I feel like its time for me to move on again, but another part of my mind is telling me to be patient. I don't know if I should side with faith or reason. What is everyones opinion?
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male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (22 June 2011):
 Man i totaly feel every word you have written,i had/have the exact same situation + feelings though stopped at the point of cheating on a partner as that goes against my core principles.
What ive learnt was that there are women of different personality types,
and the girl i had this situation i believe just wanted a challenge though the love was real btw us,
and given my knowledge of her background i realized she had unresolved issues which shaped her to be the person she was and is.
She wanted what she couldnt have,and the moment i wanted her back,
she went cold and gave excuses(like in your case the cancer...they are excuses regardless if she was ill or not),
we got into a relationship on and off again
If you are gonna want to be with her,you will have to become the man she fell in love with...
be a challenge again which also(unfortunately) involves not being emotionally available which would be counter intuitive to what you now know as you have genuine feelings for her.
Im no certified psychologist or anything,
but when i genuinely grew wary and dissinterestd with chasing after her...voila!! she popped up,
you seem to be chasing too n where has that gotten you?
I genuinely loved and to some extent am still in love with her,
but its gotten to the point i no longer feel we are compatible and ive made it a point to move on and have started meeting other women,
but ive become very picky n look deeply into who the women in my life are as people...way beyond external beauty
Bottom line,i feel its all about understanding each others personalities as well as how to cope with them,
if you feel its too much work or unfulfilling...just move on...for everyones sake!! gd luck n hope i was of help
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 June 2011):
 She had been waiting for you for about 10 years, the first time , and she turned you dywn not because she did not like you but because she was fighting cancer.
Why can't you be patient too and wait some more for her ?...
Not wait undefinitlY, though. It would be important to find out WHY she is hesitating and what you can do about it. I feel that maybe the communication is not that open and clear between you two ? ... Maybe, based on the past, she is hesitating because she does not trust you to be there for her and standing by her , if something should be less than peachy in your relationship, or your life in general. Who knows... but the best would be asking her what holds her back.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 June 2011):
 Why is the fact that she's fighting cancer absolutely no variable in this? You're placing her fighting cancer next to you growing tired of pretty women who are ugly on the inside. Well, you were done with those pretty ladies, so she should have been done with her cancer-thingy too... And when she wasn't, it's time for you to "move on"?
Where does your life experience come into play? Fighting cancer is not related to relationships, but has everything to do with ones life. If you were indeed a good and close friend, why were you not by her side, supporting her? Or were you? Because from this post, it sounds like you wanted her, found out "woops, now's not a good time, you've got cancer" and left!
And, now you want to pull the same stunt again. When it doesn't go yoru way, you want to just up and leave, without regards to the circumstances. Please... take a look at the circumstances! You're not teenagers without a care in the world that can just get it on whenever, and she's not the clingy girl who's kissing the ground you walk on. Look at her as your equal. She's been through cancer, were you even there? You basically left her to fight it alone, and you call yourself a good friend? Then you want her to be your girlfriend, or serious life time partner? When you couldn't even stick around?
Stick to it. You have got to show that you are remotely serious about her, if you are. You sound like you think you are serious yourself, and I believe it is obvious you and her are good together, or at least want to be together. But you NEED to be a bit more patient, understanding, and not at least willing to risk it all for her. Risk yoru heart for her. Fall in love, want her, desire her, need her... and face rejection. Risk that. Don't sit on the dry land calling over the water for her to come meet you, no, risk it, take the plunge, and start swimming. Maybe she won't come and meet you, maybe she'll call it all off. But if you decide to turn around and not even give it a chance because you're too scared of rejection... you'll never know.
Wait. What is the point of "moving on"? You're not moving on at all, through all these years, you've not moved on. You are right back at where you were several years ago. There is nothing to move on to from this. You need to wait, and see where it goes. Dare to be single for a while man! Dare to sit and NOT have a back-up woman, but sit still and be a little vulnerable, and move out of your comfort zone. Understand that these things can take time, and if you only want things to happen at your speed, at your desires, at your will, then you wont have a relationship.
Reason is to sit still and wait for her, or at least wait for a final answer. Faith is to believe that she'll accept you in her life as a partner, and that you will have a lovely time together. Being a coward is to walk away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): Is she worth waiting for?
Whats going on in her life preventing her from just going for it with you? Unless you know this ladies side its hard to tell - maybe its health issues again?
If there are no reasons sounds to me like the 6month affair scratched her itch regarding you and she has decided to keep looking for her Mr Right
Just ask her if there's a future - lifes too short to hang around
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): she hasn't outright rejected you she just said she needs more time, so, why won't you wait for her? why do you need a relationship NOW?
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