A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I did it. I did the most well known cliché of falling for my friends with benefits. I don't know what to do. All my friends are saying walk away, forget about it, told you so and the usual remarks. Of course I know they are all right but once your lost in the bubble of liking a guy its hard to see past it.I have been used before so I really ought to know better. I am at Uni and taking a gap year this summer so no relationships for me were realistically on the cards. I haven't dated for a long time and when I clicked with this guy I allowed myself a little fun. Although I am upset by the situation now, I know he is a good guy. He had just came out of a relationship and told me upfront that he wasn't looking for anything serious. I know, I know, I only have myself to blame but I didn't think it would get this far. He basically pursued me and I responded to the attention, got to know him, and fell. I only met him in February it hasn't been going on long at all, but he was super attentive. I know how it goes they want you one minute and drop you the next. And here comes the dropping, suddenly the texts whittled down etc and I can sense a change in how we are with each other. I seem to only get a response if I send the messages, sure he's fine and chatty when I do but it's not the same. I mentioned earlier on when he was quiet if you don't want to carry on seeing me just say... But he was quick to reply with a convincing no, no I do want to see you. I've just been busy, if I didn't want to see you I would say.I haven't been in contact with him for a week now. I know how that sounds - it's just been a week! right - but after weeks of constant messaging the change is obvious. It's too late to say I don't want to get stuck in a position where I am waiting around for him because sadly I am. I have genuine feelings for this guy. I should be looking forward to my gap year and preparing for my exams however I can not get this guy out of my head. My friends say if he gets in contact I should tell him I want out. My cousin thinks I should just walk away and forget about it right now, stating as a male he knows what this guy is doing.It's hard, I'm a typical girl holding on to memories. His accommodation is 2mins away, I have his stuff in my room, posts all over facebook... I feel like I can't forget. Not sure if anyone has experienced anything similar... Do I ignore my feelings and completely ditch this guy out of my life...?
View related questions:
cousin, facebook, friend with benefits, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 April 2014):
 You know perfectly what to do, you just don't want to do it :). It's hard for you, I realize that. On the other hand , FWBs are not for everybody and they only work when both people are exactly on the same page and expect nothing more than mutual entertainment. The moment one starts getting romantically attached , it's the moment that for her ( but some times it's a "him " of course ) things begin being as pleasant and enjoyable as driving a hammer to her big toes. As you have started seeing, and will keep seeing if you carry on.
IMO, this has got nothing to do with how relationships change. RELATIONSHIPS change in time, FWBs generally stay pretty constant, what he wanted from you ( casual sex , no fuss ) is still what he wants now and what he will want until he chances into another girl and / or you do get too clingy.
When you mention " at the beginning " , or " the first weeks "... well, you met him in February !- this IS the beginning, these ARE the first weeks. I guess what you mean is that he was very attentive and present before the first time you had sex, or the first few times... before ,i.e., he reeled you in, and got assured that he has you exactly where he wants you : at his disposal, when HE sees fit. Now he does not need to be particularly nice , or to spend more time on you than strictly necessary.
I am not saying that he is a monster or a jerk. He TOLD you what he wanted : casual sex . You miscalculated, thought you could handle it, and now you find you cannot.
As you say yourself, it's always the same old story...
You'd be smarter heading your cousin's and friends's advice. Walking away might be hard now, but I think anyway less painful than staying knowing that you are a guy's blowdoll rather than the significant other you'd love to be.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2014): I've been in this situation before. More than once. And the only way to stop it is to stop seeing the guy - even if you do love him and he seems like Mr. Perfect. You will only prolong the agony otherwise.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 April 2014):
Your cousin was right. He, being a man, knows what this FWB of yours is thinking - he never wanted anything more than a casual fling between you two. To be fair, he did make that clear, so it's not like he's a bad guy. The problem is that it's hard to be with someone and not feel something for them after a while. You only have to look at the historical threads on this site to see that there are plenty of people who have fallen for their FWB as you have.
You now have to look at your own post and read what it says. You have fallen for him, you have done the chasing, and now you're waiting around for him. He on the other hand hasn't been in contact, doesn't contact you unless you start the contact, and hasn't bothered with you in a week. The sad fact is that he's simply not interested in you in the same way that you are interested in him.
Listen to that male cousin of yours! He knows the score and he's given you the best option. Stop seeing the guy, stop texting, stop bothering and of he gets into contact, don't go back. You'll only get even more hurt.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you CMMP. I think you're right in saying I may have scared him away. I have never been in a proper relationship so I haven't experienced how things change over time.
I understand i'm taking the FWB situation way too personally, I just don't know what to do now. Is there anything you'd suggest where I can salvage the situation?
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (6 April 2014):
Honestly it sounds to me like you might have scared him away... Its supposed to be fwb which means no drama and you started acting a little strange.
I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but relationships change. At the beginning its constant communication, which inevitably slows down. There's way more to it than that, and it continues indefinitely throughout a relationship, but that's as far as you let it go before you started doing what most people can't stand.
"If you don't want to see me just let me just say."
Nobody likes that, everyone is well aware that they are free to leave. Don't try to get someone to feel sorry for you, its only going to annoy them and give them all the power in the relationship.
...............................
|
