A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Everytime I like a guy and I know he doesnt like me back I seem to use sex as a way to defend myself, i seduce him, get what i want and then get over him quick. The sex isnt that good, it gets the job done it feels good, but it doesnt please my intimacy with a man. I cant seem to like guys :( I am a flirt who loves to just want sex. deep down my biggest dream is to fall in love and be married to the love of my life but ive ruined it with having sex w/guys i barely know and very fast b/c as soon as i know the guy isnt the right one, i just have sex w/him to just get rid of him, idk if that makes sense. i just have to have him sexually if i cant have him romantically, and i am okay with that at the moment b/c it feels good and i know its my only way to get over him. it is the easy way out to just have sex rather than waiting for a phone call and playing the whole dating game. i just am sick of dating. I wana take a break, not talk to any guys for a while and just not need attention. but it never works out that way. what should i do to feel for a man again and be serious about relationships, building them, and controlling my horniness and flirtatiousness which leads to bad things?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have a very conssservativve father that i cant speak to about these things, that is the problem here. but i know what he'd say, thank you for trying, ur perspective on life is quite conservative i think!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2011): IM SORRY if I had caused you alot of mental distress by making you having to explain yourself. I did so in good faith because I was serious about helping you. I'm a man & know that one day a woman will become my wife & through her I will have sons & daughters, but my success in becoming an honorable husband to my wife & loving caring understanding father to my kids, especially my daughter will depend on the choices I make as a young man NOW. Otherwise, I will have nothing good to offer in terms of my experiences toher except my mistakes & regrets.
What kind of daughter will take advice seriously from a father who in his youth bedded all kinds of women? I POSSIBLY CAN'T IF I WAS THAT KIND MAN. How can I get respect from my daughter when she knows that her own mother (my wife) wasn't the 'one & only' for me but one of the many. How can I emotionally express myself to my own daughter when I spent my youthful life being good at exploiting women carnally? These are the situations I must not be in when I become her father. LIKEWISE when you become a mother, you don't want to be forced to hide skeletons in your closet when your own son brings up the subject of your life as a young single girl.
I APOLOGIZE for misjudging your father. He was a good family orientated man who wanted you to have the same kind of happiness your own mother is receiving from him as a man. It's true that overbearing parents really suffocate your freedom & individuality but I would RATHER have parents who extremely try to control my life than to have parents who couldn't care less if I made them proud or not.
In your first question you asked,
"What should I do to feel for a man again & be serious about relationships....?"
This is my suggestion & my last message to you. You already have the right person to help you answer that question. He is YOUR FATHER. Find the courage to approach him. Open up your heart to him, cry if you have to, & tell him that her little girl is unsuccessful in her relationships with men. Let him know that you are struggling to make meaningful connections with men who come into your life.
He will tell you exactly what you need to know & do because he is A MAN. You will get the right answers from him if you asks honest questions. Questions from what you truly desire from men. Questions from your heart.
GOODBYE.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthats really sweet holly thanks :)
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A
female
reader, hollyrocket613 +, writes (22 September 2011):
my suggestion? try seeing the guys as potential friends rather than potential husbands. they say the best marriages are when you end up with your best friend. I hope that works for you (:
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male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (20 September 2011):
 As I stated in my first response, I cannot condemn promiscuous. I'd be condemning much of my own life, but except for 20 years of committed marriage, as I've also been promiscuous. For me it has been fun, but it depends on what you want out of life.
I've known women who are much like me - fun-loving and promiscuous throughout life. There is nothing wrong with that (if you choose) although there are risks. But if you want marriage, children and a happy home life, continuing on your present path will not likely lead there. You may be correct that an overbearing upbringing is a major factor, but now you are grown enough to decide where you go from here. My best wishes, however you choose.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks jannie, ok mr natural i dont even feel like explaining myself to u....my parents have controlled me too much, thats my issue, they are too involved in protecting me that i like to rebel and thats my issue, my parents have never drank, had affairs, they r good family oriented ppl why am i having to explain myself to u...this has nothing to do w/my family, except that they controled me i come from a culture that prohibits sex before marriage and i grew up very religious, perhaps thats y im so promisucious??
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 September 2011):
 Hi, I can relate to you.
Your need for control is based on how little control you feel over the dating game. The possibility of a heartbreak, a let down, a rejection.
If you do not accept that disappointment is a part of life and a smooth path is not a guarantee, then you can't open your heart to love. There is nothing wrong with being horny, but you can't just take all the joys and avoid the pain. It can go hand in hand. Real love can exist only after you accept life's ups and downs as what it is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): Well I don't understand how a young woman like you can be able to have a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP with the most important man in your life which is your father & somehow have unhealthy relationships with men as well. It just doesn't make sense to me. If I was your father, I would make DAMN sure my girl gets all the love & respect she deserves from men & all this starting with me. I will make it my business to have alot of father-daughter time with her so that she will know how to understand & relate better to men & develop positive relationships with them. NO NORMAL FATHER IN THIS WORLD DESIRES HIS DAUGHTER TO GROW UP INTO A SKANK. Futhermore, living a lifestyle of being EASY for men whilst claiming to have a great relationship with your father is an insult to him as a man, because in effect, what you are saying is, ' My dad brought me up to be an easy woman.' You never had real serious father-daughter time with your own dad but thats just my hunch & according to you my hunch is DEAD WRONG because your whole life he has demonstrated manly respect for you.
If that is the case then tell me how is it that you ended up being a woman who does not know how to give respect to men & get respect from them in return? Remember sex between people who love each other is based on mutual respect. Sex between people who don't love each other is based on mutual exploitation.
PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): You have serious, deep rooted intimacy and self esteem issues.
A guy may reject you, you have to make sure that you are not totally rejectable, then you reject him and are "over him" right away.
Reality is that you aren't over any of them. Truly, this will destroy you emotionally if you don't manage to figure out why you are doing this. You will also not be able to maintain a faithful LTR, because you will cheat on all of your LTR's unless you get a grip.
This type of behavior tends to arise out of abuse, neglect, molestation, and out of indeterminate caused feelings of low self worth, or substance abuse as well.
However, almost in all cases there is a history of intimacy damaging issues while the person is maturing. The question is always "what intimacy damaging events" because it can be everything from having a father who was a serial rapist and control freak to having a mother who was emotionally absent and passive to having a sibling who overshadowed you and simply made you feel you could never measure up.
Your father and mother may have loved you, but were they alcoholic, did either have affairs, did they get divorced, what about their parents, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.
You can't figure this out alone without many years of effort and training in psychology...and then it is hard to figure out without professional help.
See professional counseling, and don't lie or hold back from the counselor.
Suggested reading: (None of this may apply to you but it may help you understand what others who have these issues deal with)
http://www.amazon.com/Complete-ACOA-Sourcebook-Children-Alcoholics/dp/1558749608
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933
Consider also, carefully, your sexual orientation. Some men, and some women, who are attracted to the same sex become obsessed with proving that they are "not gay" by having sex promiscuously with opposite sex partners. They also have a touch of homophobia, usually.
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male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (18 September 2011):
That's my point. It would seem that sex with you is your way of manipulating your relationships, or apparent lack thereof, which leads to endless relationship failure (they don't like you back, as you said). No good and descent man will want that for very long, other than for some quick pleasures, but you can go on being such a sex object if you choose.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionalso, none of you seem to understand me at all...I dont get attached, in fact i have the opposite effect, it helps me get over them after i sleep witht hem. im like meh watever, move on! its my way to move on from the guy. its not the right way, but at the moment i just HAVE to have them, in any way, even if its just sex at least i can say i won, its a control thing. ive had control issues with food too, now its sex, and idk wat tod o about it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionomg mr natural, idk where u got this from but i have an extremely loving father who has spoiled me to pieces, im loved by my parents more than most ppl have so dont talk about my father like that, u dont know me or my dad. thats not my issue, i might have another issue but that definitely isnt it!
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female
reader, Madalo 1  +, writes (17 September 2011):
With that kind of behaviour you'll scare a good man out there who could have been a serious boyfriend.Sleeping with someone to get over them could actually scar you emotionally without you knowing, and when you look back years from now, you'll actually regret it.Sometimes guys don't sleep with you because they find you pretty but because you've made yourself easy meat for them. I find this very degrading. Do think of other ways to get over a guy.I advise you to be confident and be willing to pursue meaningful relationships. If someone seems not to be interested, just let them be, and mind your own business. Sleeping with them will not affect them in any way coz they weren't interested in the first place, they just slept with you coz you offered yourself. In the end you're the loser.
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male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (17 September 2011):
 I understand where you're coming from from as when you have sex with the person then you have power over the person, but thats from the mans point of view but not for the woman. you have to hold out until the time is right. the time is right (assuming you're serious about the man) when you're convinced he is what you want. after that it is up to the man if he wants to continue. you enable him to break the chain too early. I hope thats not too sexist or hieroglyphic.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): It breaks my heart to witness that such a female like you exists. What went wrong honey? What has caused you to turn out to live like this? Why do you let yourself be violated over & over & over again by guys? Could it be that you were not loved enough by your father? If you have daddy issues, it will be IMPOSSIBLE to have a lasting & meaningful relationship with any man & the sad thing is that you will never be able to recognize it when a man is actually GENUINE about his intentions to love you. It is a fact that we as men learn how to love women by seeing how our dads love our moms. Likewise girls identify what makes a loving man from seeing how their dads treat their moms. I believe that this is your issue & if you deny it then you are most likely lying. NORMALLY, We don't learn how to be flirts & players from our parents but learn how to be fathers & mothers from them. I't is the desire of all parents that their sons & daugthers become successful in their relationships by marrying, having a family & building a home.
If your father has failed you as a man, then obviously you will have a hard time identifying the RIGHT MAN. Your problem is very deep which you need to resolve immediately. The more you keep living a promiscuos lifestyle, the less & less respect men will have for you. Honey you are young now & don't see it as a BIG DEAL. but when you reach your 30's you will realize the importance of male companionship in your life. But by then genuine men will not be interested in you because of the easy reputation you have built for yourself over the years.
Our aim as young people is to succeed in all aspects of life when our minds & bodies are still fresh. IT IS NOT TOO LATE. With good councel you can regain your self respect & self worth. If you are hurting inside because of what your father did to you, he is just one man. I believe that there is a man out there for you but in order for him to arrive, you must put the issues with your dad to rest.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (17 September 2011):
You are on a bad trend here, in my opinion, something that I have witnessed and frankly, taken advantage of earlier in life. Ok, recently as well. Many women do tend to become rather promiscuous while seeking attention and love, very often in vain. Being an avowed permissive advisor here, I cannot condemn that because, at times, I've know such women and much enjoyed their pleasures.
The thing is, for me, it could have been more, but due to their behavior and apparently insatiable and indiscrete desires, my interest quickly waned. That may be the case here. Guys quickly assess it. Many just want the prize.
As you say, "it feels good," but in reality, it probably does you no good other than providing some usually shallow gratification. Perhaps you need to be more receptive to more sensitive, maybe a little less attractive guys - at least those not so much the "players" and see if you can build a meaningful relationship with a good man. They do exist!
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female
reader, Red591 +, writes (17 September 2011):
 you need to take care of yourself in the sexaul department before you go out on a date. I have never found that sleeping with someone helped me to get over them as it seems to make me bond with them. I wish it did not do that though as that has caused some heart ache. confidence comes from within and there is no easy answer to get it but I find that faking it eventually grants you some when u start to see the results and how easy it can be
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