A
female
age
30-35,
*arahrose20
writes:MOD NOTE: OP's own title.I've been with my current boyfriend for 4 years on and off and we live together now, but all we do is fight. we fight about everything from his drug dealing drinking having people over all the time and messing up the house. i work almost everyday and theres almost always someone here when i get home or hes not here at all no note and he wont get home till late. he's on welfare as he doesnt have a job, but he spends 90% of that on himself and refuses to go to school.I dont want to leave him, but hes just too much baggage. Can anyone help me? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (21 September 2010):
 I'm not surprised at all. You'll stay and deal with the misery because you don't think you deserve better.
Read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It may help you when you're ready.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (12 September 2010):
 He's addicted and he won't get help. He's smoking all his money. Soon the weed won't be enough and he'll turn to the harder stuff.
This relationship will not work in the long term if he is addicted like this.
Sorry.. I wish you luck.
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female
reader, sarahrose20 +, writes (11 September 2010):
sarahrose20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthnx for all your input guys but i wont leave him not yet anyways its been 4 years already and aside from a few problems he is the guy for me i guess i just have to take the bad with the good even though the bad often outweighs the good hes already way too far in his addiction to give it up when hes tried for me in the past he gets insane to the point where hes crying one minute and smashing stuff the next he also is 0n medication for anxiety/depression he has actual attacks and theyre not fake his heart goes rapid or stops hes also on a seporate medication for that the last time he tried to quit he had an attack in the middle of the night i almost caused an ambulence cuz his heart was going so fast and it wouldnt slow down it wasnt from any activity we were sleeping at the time quiting pot is not an option for him without special help which he wont get thats been one of our main daily arguments for about a year now hes court ordered for addictions counselling but he doesnt go and his probation officer doesnt seem to care
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (10 September 2010):
I could maybe understand if he spent money on you and you were used to a nice lifestyle, but this dude won't even buy you food! How can you marry a man who can't support you at all? What if you lose your job?
You are missing out right now on meeting a man who is nice, who actually takes you places and wants to build a good life with you together.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 September 2010):
Cindycares is spot on.. that's what I mean about police pressure.. you are in the house, you know what is going on.. it's no problem for them to lock up you and him. He can't take the blame, your there and you know.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 September 2010):
 You may not risk being kidnapped but you risk to pass some very unpleasant moments at your local police station.
"All he deals is pot "...
Correct me if I am wrong, but as far as I know trafficking of marijuana , or possession of marijuana with the intent of trafficking ,is a crime in Canada and can land you up to 5 years in jail. If the cops come to your place...
His problem, you'd say. Not exactly.
Go tell the police you just live there and have got nothing to do with his business. Do you open the door for his clients ? Do you answer the phone and take messages for him ? Does he hide his stash among your personal belongings ? Do you share the provents of his sales ?Do
you have a joint bank account with him ?
They will ask you all this and more. You might get to convince them that you are not an accessory , but you'll have to sweat it.
Is he really worth the trouble ?
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 September 2010):
I'm honestly not sure what you're asking for anymore. Your life will just be ruined by this guy. You're right, you're totally blinding yourself to the fact that this guy is basically scum. I mean that. But he is. He sells drugs. If you think a drug dealer who has no real respect for life and is a total loser is the best you can do, then you desperately need to be looking at your life. At some point, the small time dealer will go to prison, become hooked on his own product, or someone will come an stab him. That's how the street is.
The question you need to be asking yourself if what happens when your life turns to shit because of him. Because people will associate you with him, they will blame you, they will have nothing to do with you and that will be it. The bottom line is, you're with scum who will ruin lives. And you can't sit there blinding yourself to it. Because it will catch up.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 September 2010):
Addiction.. difficultIt's not supposed to be physically addicting, but yes it is, especially if your a heavy daily user. If you come off the weed, you miss it for maybe a couple of months, but it's not like heroin, crack or cocaine, you won't get sick and start seeing pink elephants. It's not like cigarette's where you climb the walls and get angry if you can't get it. But yes, you miss it if it's not there but that feeling will go away. It is emotionally and psychologically addictive. It makes the world look nice, helps with pain, relaxes muscles and decreases stress. That's hard to give up when you've done it for a long time. However the more and harder he uses, the less pleasure he gets and the more he needs it. If he stops for a month, he'll need less drug to get the same feeling. It's costing him lots of money because he uses too much. He needs to cut down to at least once a week for him to be able to use in a financially and psychologically healthy manner.Also, if he is 20 like you, he may be damaging his brain. Your right to be wary about all the scare stories, but research dose suggest that it damages memory in young people. If you ever talked to a heavy weed user who is old age, you'll notice their brain and reactions are slower. A bit like a punch drunk boxer. Check for aromatherapy on the net. Massage with oils can help replace some of the cravings and gives him something nice to look forward to. I changed my mind. He is irresponsible with his drug use and his life, he's in trouble with the police and has been careless enough to get people threatening him.. He isn't good at this business, so he must give up the weed totally, until he comes back to normal. I don't trust him not to be stupid to take harder stuff, or decided to sell bigger quantities and get in with the big guys who are very dangerous and troublesome.Get him to cut back, then to stop weed. Almond oil massage, with perhaps lavender (2 drops) is a good way to help him relax, just like the weed does. When I was young, I wouldn't let guys smoke their stuff around me, I found massage was a good alternative for them. It works on the same pleasure nodules in the brain, and then they either don't need the stuff or they need less of it.But then again, I don't date drug dealers or people with high usage. Too much trouble, and I don't like police or dangerous people coming to my front door.Decide what YOU need to do with your life, with him or without him. Make your goals and make your plans and go after them. If he can't change his ways, HE WILL HOLD YOU BACK.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 September 2010):
I live in that type of neighbourhood.... no good smoking profits, that will turn him into a poor pothead. He's got to bank that money, he's risking stuff, and it's stupid to just use the money for fun.Yep guess it was just the weed... he's silly to get a drug habit doing this.you can leave him.. that's best for you. He just putting you all in trouble so he can't get high and off his head. That's a lot of risk for nothing.First step.. He's got to cut back on the weed, way back. He can't hear you if he's always high and off his head and he definitely can't think straight. Fight about that, make that the main thing first. Otherwise you can't stay. Weed doesn't lead to harder stuff, but when they smoke all the time, it's easier for them to get interested in the harder stuff.He needs to cut his usage way down. I don't see your relationship going very far. He'll go further into the mud, whilst you work hard and start climbing the ladder.Sorry, I know you love him, but he has very little to offer you except headaches, noise and threats from undesirable people.
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female
reader, sarahrose20 +, writes (9 September 2010):
sarahrose20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmiamine thanks for the advice you seem to really know whats been going on except the part about about him having to support his family or buying nice things all the money he makes goes to himself all he sells is pot nothing else n whatever he makes off of it he smokes himself unless we need milk or bread or whatever and even then i have to fight with him for that but although your not supposed to be able to be addicted to pot he is for sure so thats why he wont stop cuz hes on welfare and 200 is not enough to support his habit for a week never mind a month. yur right about the people comming over it drives me insane and scares me when i come home from work and theres randome guys in my appt same with the phone i just stopped awnsering it. we have had problems with peple before but nothing major just empty threats since hes only a small time dealer (ounces) theres no risk of me getting kidnapped but its still enough to cuase stress
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 September 2010):
One last thing.. if he's already on probation then he's not a very good drug dealer. The police and the law know about him, and they are likely to catch him soon and put him in jail.
Please plan with him what you will do when he goes to jail.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 September 2010):
Ok, you really love him, and it's just his drug dealing job. Tell him he has to study at home and get some qualifications. He will not give up drug dealing until he can get a similar amount of money from legal work. The only way he can do that is to study and to get a very good job.
The other thing you can do, is ask him to bank as much money as he can. Instead of using his profits he needs to start making a plan to escape this drug life. His family know about it, and he probably is taking care of them as well. I bet you have a nice place and he probably spends money on you which he gets from the drug trade.
That's a lot of people he is looking out for. Even if he wants to give up, he just can't see where he can get enough money from. He needs to bank as much money as he can. If he has brains to trade drugs, he has brains to do business. Tell him to bank the money, stop spending it, and when he has enough, he needs to get out and go into some type of legal business.
Work with him to make a way to get out of drugs. Telling him to go work for minimum wage, or go back to school with no money is not attractive enough.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 September 2010):
He has a job. He's drug dealing, that's his job, he has no time to go to school. He's not interested in work or school, he can get more money dealing drugs.
Drug dealing is very time intensive. As you notice, he has to go out all funny times of the night and day. Drug dealing leaves you with little privacy. There are always customers at your door at all times of the day. Then you have the problems with security, worrying about violence from other drug dealers or having your neighbours get fed up and turn you in. There is always the danger of police, or the danger of a drug deal going wrong and people refusing to pay or getting angry and killing you dead.
Your boyfriend is a drug dealer. You know that and you love him and live with him. Well this is the life of a drug dealer, there is no way to change him, he has a job and it's drug dealing.
One warning. Learn how to become deaf, dumb and blind. Always watch your back because you may be a attractive kidnap victim if anyone needs you to put pressure on him. Also learn when to open up the door and when to leave it alone. Check your access and escape doors, so you know how to get out of the house fast. You hear the world police, you get out of the house and fast. You are now an important pawn in this drug lifestyle, and your highly valued by both the police and other drug sellers.
Your boyfriend sells drugs, you love him and can't leave him. Well, you better stop complaining about his job then, and spend more time on learning how to protect yourself.
PS: Don't have kids, this type of lifestyle is very destabilizing,makes them feel insecure and puts them into the line of danger from both the criminals and the law.
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female
reader, sarahrose20 +, writes (9 September 2010):
sarahrose20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoption 2 is whats been happening for about a year now were only 20 n have both agreed having a kid is not in the picture until were 26 or older and married that will be our ten year mark but i understand completely what your saying and ive thought of it all before myself i guess what i really want to know only i can awnser and that is will he ever change? he always says how hes soo devoted to me and he owees me his life n hell change for me but then he slowly starts doing the same shit again does that mean he loves me but is unable to control himself?
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female
reader, sarahrose20 +, writes (9 September 2010):
sarahrose20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioncaring guy i apreciate that your trying to help but i cant believe any of those things i guess maybe i want to be blind to it. i know he would never spike my drinks like i said he wouldnt and hasnt ever done anything to intentionally hurt me. but i know theres a possibility of him going to jail especially since hes on probation right now but i dont smoke pot/cigarettes or drink would i really be classified as an accessory if i got arrested all he deals is pot and hes already told me hel take all the blame n i believe him i guess all i need is a way to vent when he fucks up and im really upset i have family but all they do is put me down him and his family make me happy except his few bad habits which i guess could be worse i donno i guess im making excuses for him now cuz i dont want to leave him hes the best ive ever had and says he wants to marry me someday always talks about when hes done everything n our lives are straight how happy well be i feel like if i move on not only will i be heartbroken but ill miss out
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 September 2010):
Love isn't any good id the person you're with is crap. Which he is. What happens when he's jailed? Or when he starts to spike your drinks, or if you have a child who becomes a drug addict or dealer? Or when you're jailed as an accessory?
Leave him. Love is not enough.
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female
reader, sarahrose20 +, writes (8 September 2010):
sarahrose20 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni agree with all you guys ive had these thoughts myself but aside from him being a dealer n us arguing hes never hurt me intentionally never raised a hand and he doesnt put me down hes also 100% faithful i just dont know how to overcome all our problems i dont want to lose him also since i posted that i told him i was leaving him n he brought over his mom n his gramma n the three of them cleaned the whole house spotless also hes telling all his customers he cant get but i suspect hes still dealing only when im not home i feel like hes making an effort but then i remember thats what he does then in a week or two he starts to slip again i know he loves me n i love him thats all that should matter right?
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (8 September 2010):
You mean, physically come over there and move you away from this drug dealing scumbag loser? I would if I could!
You can do bad all by yourself. Leave and start enjoying your life again.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 September 2010):
The moment you said that he was drug dealing I pretty thought much you should dump him. Do you really want your life to be associated with a drunk drug dealer who argues with you and lives on welfare for the rest of his life? Probably not. Leave.
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