A
male
age
51-59,
*eartbrokengay
writes:Last week I was coming home late from work, when I noticed my boyfriend's car parked outside an Adult Book Store- I knew immediately he was cruising for sex. I waited outside the store, and noticed him circling around the building looking for sex. He saw me and he confessed his obessession with these places. I broke up with him....but I feel horrible.I asked him to tell me the whole truth and nothing but the truth.....or not to ever call me again. After two days he finally told me the truth. He admitted to getting oral sex with a condom with several men over the entire course of our two year relationship. He admitted to even going to this Adult book store for sex even after leaving my house- after we'd had sex. I am getting tested for HIV and so is he. I a healthcare professional so I understand the risk. The good thing is that we only practiced safer sex, and always used condoms (thank God for having a medical background and a guardian angel).I had no idea this he was doing this?! We had a great relationship and got along perfect. My brain tells me I should continue to run and not look back.....however my heart aches for him, and in some twisted way I waiver about taking him back with a list of conditions? Please advise. What should I do? I am in pain.
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broke up, condom, hiv , oral sex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Deema  +, writes (17 June 2008):
 Whatever the gender is, the problem is still the same, and I would still give the same answer. I know the test thing is a great worry as the time span is so long, but that time will soon pass and in the meantime you'll be getting your life sorted out. Really hope things turn out well for you. Love n blessings xx
A
male
reader, Heartbrokengay +, writes (17 June 2008):
Heartbrokengay is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Kind Readers,
Thank you for your taking time to respond to my heartaching dilema...and for your compassion and wisdom. Its been a few days now and I continue to refuse to answer his phone calls and have shut down all communication. I need space and time to heal...and in all honesty I don't want to be cruel in my respondse to him.
He faxed his HIV status results to me with his name and doctor's information which for now seems like he might have not caught anything....however, he'll have to repeat this test every 3 to 6 months for me to feel safe. I've taken the same test and seem to be okay.
Again, thank you for your kindness and support. For now all I know is that I will continue to keep my distance from him.
Peace of mind is priceless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): hi there,
you poor man, it is horrible when people lie or cheat, even if they own up. i sugest that you move on, or talk to him, try to be upset rather than angry, because he hurt you mentaly. men like this, i'm afraid, seem to be stuck in a rut, they like to feel good, thus the long term relationship(s?) but still haven't grown up enough to understand faithfulness.
good luck with your future,
Jelly
xxx
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 June 2008):
 Am I the only one who noticed the gender of our question poster? He's male, as his boyfriend is....
I think that you are really better off without a man who will cruise others for random anonymous sex. It IS dangerous and it IS life-threatening to you. It's the worst kind of betrayal, frankly.
It's not you, it's him. He's the one with the problem, he's the one who for some reason needs to engage in random, meaningless sex. If you were okay with an open relationship, that would be one thing. But this is entirely another.
Sorry, but fidelity is fidelity, whether you are male or female in a committed relationship with another male or female. I have a good friend who is gay, and who pursues sexual relationships outside the bond he has with his long term partner. They both agree to this, and as long as they are both comfortable with this arrangement, it is none of my or anyone else's business. I honestly don't understand it, and cannot wrap my head around how this works for them, somehow it does, therefore, I do not need to worry about it on his/their behalf.
But you've been in a longterm relationship with this man, and were not expecting this at all? Then, I think your guy has betrayed you, and your trust in him is going to be damaged for the longterm.
If you find you cannot live without him, then maybe, and only maybe, should you consider taking him back. But this would only be with the help of a couples counselor who has experience with gay relationships. And after you've both seen your doctors to rule out any possible STDs.
I rather think that you're better off without him, hard as that might be to take. You're going to worry about him whenever he's out of your sight, and you do not want to be his warden.
Time will help heal the break up. Keep your friends and family close, make time for fun things, keep busy, allow yourself the mourning process that ensues after a relationship ends. Easier said than done, but if you bookmark this page, follow the advice given to people going through a break up, and come back in a year, you'll find you've got a whole new perspective on things and a whole new chance at a real relationship built on mutual trust and respect and love.
Take care, and with my best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): I think I may be one of the few people who noticed that you designated yourself male and that your question is in gay relationships - therefore the other aunts talking as if you are a woman and he has bisexual tendencies is not going to help you much.
There is a fair bit of promiscuity in the gay community, and it's possible that he just doesn't have the same desire for monogamy that you do; or that he gets his thrills from one night stands and brief sexual encounters with strangers, rather than from a loving partner who is always there for him. This is not your fault, or that he has needs you can't fulfil - it's an issue of compatability over the exclusivity of your relationship. He doesn't see eye to eye with you that what he was doing was wrong.
Taking him back will make it even harder for you - you will torture yourself about why he cheated, you will have arguments about it and you will always be thinking about it. It is not a small thing, like he rolls his socks when he puts them down for washing, it is whether he can choose you and only you. And despite everything else about the relationship being good, he clearly couldn't behave properly. You are better off without him.
It will be hard. Breaking up is a little like grieving, and the wounds take time to heal. Don't push yourself to feel better about it. You will find somebody else to treat you right, and love you properly.
If you do feel you want to take him back, try not to impose conditions. Let the poison out by having a conversation about why he cheated, and what you had expected of him, to air out your grievances. If you were really good together, it may still work. But don't hang on to the relationship if it makes you unhappy.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (16 June 2008):
 Hi,
i think you really know the answer to this already.
His urges for same sex intimacy will not die if you take him back and impose conditions. All that will happen is he will have to take extra effort to hide them from you.
You cannot follow him around 24/7 that is simply impossible.
And why should you? Eventually you will get over him and meet someone who doesnt cruise for sex with other men.
Put this relationship to bed and start anew , it is the only way forward.
good luck.
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (16 June 2008):
Sorry to say hun but a list of conditions won't and can't change his needs. He obviously has the need for bi sexual relationships, and he will get that any way he can. He may even be addicted. I threw my man out for messing about on the internet, and like you my head and my heart said different things. But I shamed him in front of his family and friends and he got a very big shock and realisation as to what would happen to him if he messed about again. I also withdrew the loan arrangement we had, so that meant he lost his car, his business and almost his wife and home. So he really did get a huge shock and I don't regret that. I had to see if shock would do what needed to be done, or if this was an addiction or a need of his. It was a very difficult time for me. I went away to think about things and let things rest until the anger subsided a little, then after several meetings and a lot of time to decide what I wanted, I allowed him back after he saw our GP for some ocds he had and agreed to have counselling. I also gave him a list of boundaries as to what was and what wasn't acceptable. Its been several months now, and it hasn't been easy but I know now that if anything like this happens again, there is nothing in the world I can do about it because I've tried everything I know, and actually broke him at the time, so if he does it now I know he has those needs, and I can't change that. Difference is next time I won't be angry, or upset cus I'll know its nothing to do with me, and theres nothing I can do. We'lljust go our separate ways permanently. I think your case is different though. My man was just chatting on the net, that was bad enough but your man is actually out there having sexual contact with these guys. He has a strong need for that, and I don't think you can change that, he's too far involved already. You do have to have no doubt in your mind though, and I also know we can't do these things until we are ready so don't beat yourself up if you go back to that situation, cus something will happen to give you the final piece of the puzzle if thats the way its meant to be. Then you'll leave with no heartache and pain. I know cus it happened to me before. Take your time. Don't rush back into anything you're not ready to. Give yourself time to reflect and calm down. He'll still be there. And if he's not, then the problems solved any way. I know its tough. We don't want to find these things out about our partners. It would be so much nicer if things were open and honest, but thats not mostly how it is. We all have a lot of growing up to do. Like I said, take your time. You need it. Be kind to yourself. Do nice things for yourself. Look after you. And then see how you feel. You may not want him back when you realise you can have a nice time with you, he may become just a complication you don't need. Good luck which ever way you go.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (16 June 2008):
 Isn't it awful when our minds and our hearts battle eachother? In my opinion, you did the right thing by walking away, for obvious reasons. This is all still so raw, you are probably used to having a life with him. This is what makes it painful, and confusing. It is hard to see your future when you are dealing with the recent past. This pain you feel is a natural reaction to losing someone, for whatever reason. However, the reality is, the two of you dont share the same views of a good healthy relationship, and it would never work out because of it. You are the bigger person for not treating him the way he treated you, and you are a strong person for telling him to kick rocks. No one should put up with it. Let this phase in your breakup pass, without getting weak to the temptation of going back to him. This pain IS just a phase, but you are moving on to better, greener pastures. Who knows, maybe after some healing time has past, the two of you can become good friends without any grudges. But I dont reccomend going back to him. He WILL do this again, it is who he is. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (16 June 2008):
 Weather in a same sex relationship or an opposite sex relationship, some aspects become evident in all relationships. First, list of conditions. That's like taking a puppy home and telling him "no poop on carpet, and no chew on furnature." giving conditions means "I have no trust in you, so you are confined to these rules."
Just as in other relationships, he's a player. He's not interested in commitment. What happens is, you take him back (which says he got away with it), then he's a good boy for a little while, until you back off from your conditions a bit. At that time, he knows he has you right where he wants, so he can begin his running around again.
I can see many more problems than good coming out of this if you were to take him back. Sometimes you need to cut your losses and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): Hey there sweetie, I am sry to say, his needs are not being met by you! I don't mean that meanly!!! what I mean is although you may be intimate with him, it is obvious that by what you wrote, he at least in part needs a man to satisfy him too and that is a NEED YOU CANOT FULFILl! No offense. This is NOT about U personally, it is the fact that he desires men as well! Sorry to say this! If it wasn't the case, he could have been cruising for woman to give him oral pleasure NOT MEN, so there is something that stimulates him about a MAN doing that to him! I say this and as a matter of fact I just said these exact words to a group of people tonight~!!!! If I was with a man who some how some way perfered me, of course I would be some what sad, but I would feel relieved that it wasn't another woman he wanted but simply that his prefference was just men over women! So I say, KINDLY part ways wish him the best and RUN FOR THE HILLS WITH GOOD SNEAKERS! GOOD LUCK HON!
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A
female
reader, countrygirlWV +, writes (16 June 2008):
 My oppinion is to forget why care or b with a man who oviously needs something else. When a person cheats on a person that should b the end of it being with some one means that's showing u care about them and want to b with them so if he's doing that to u and has then forget him and find a man who will care and love u not others also.but good luck best of wishes
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