A
male
age
51-59,
*dt
writes:Hello, I need some advice and opinions. My wife and I have been married for 16 years and its been a pretty tough marriage from the beginning. We have both been faithful over the years, but not real happy. I just recently realized that I've been a very controlling husband and has hurt my wife allot. I'm not near as bad as I was when we first started dating, but she says I'm still treating her like a child. She has not been out with friends much over these years and has never been a drinker. She has friends at work that drink and party almost every weekend, and this has made her want to be out with them. My wife is 36 years old and most of these friends are single or older and divorced. Her best friend seems to have a lot of influence on her, and not in a good way. My wife and I are at odds over the idea of her going out drinking in bars with these friends. Like I said, our marriage is on the brink right now, and these friends have told my wife to "get rid of me" I get very anxious with the idea of a married woman, who is already unhappy in her marriage out drinking with friends who think I'm a dog. My gut is telling me this is a recipe for disaster. My biggest fear is when you take someone like my wife who has very little drinking experience, unhappy marriage, sheltered life, bad influences from friends, there is to much of a chance of something going wrong. I asked the wife just how going out would work? Meaning the logistics of going and getting home after drinking. I told her I could take and drop her off with her friends at the bar and she could just call me when she wanted picked up, but she insisted she could just stay at her best friends house. I was taken back by such a suggestion, I mean she is married and has her own home to be at. So with all that said, my question is; Am I being controlling, or am I just being cautious and protecting my marriage from further destruction? My wife says I'm trying to control her and baby sit her.Thanks concerned husband.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2011): You're being controlling. You are not protecting your marriage in fact you're destroying it even more or at the very least you're undermining your own attempts to rebuild it.
Now don't get me wrong it's perfectly normal and natural for you to feel worried that here your marriage is not going too well and your wife wants to go out drinking in bars with her single friends.
It's not being controlling to feel anxious about that.
But what IS being controlling is how you have chosen to handle this situation.
you know that your wife is unhappy and wants more freedom from you. The result of how you have treated her for many years has made her want to get away from you. The worst thing you can do now is to be a roadblock to her doing what she naturally wants to do because of you in the first place.
basically you want to stop her from possibly discovering that she will be happier without you. In other words you don't want her to be happy if it means that she's going to leave you so therefore you want to stop her from having the chance to be happy.
This is being controlling because you don't have your wife's concerns at heart, but instead are focused on yourself entirely and your fears of loss, at her expense. you would rather keep her a prisoner with you, against her will. And when you take concrete actions to try and make this happen - such as by arguing with her and opposing her when she wants to do what she wants, that is being controlling.
Second thing that is controlling is this: You want to keep tabs on her and get involved in her personal time with her friends. Sure on the surface it's because you say you're concerned with how is she going to get there and back, logistics stuff. But it's really just a cover for you not wanting her to be autonomous. This is treating her like a child, which is highly insulting and disrespectful to do to someone who is supposed to be your peer and equal. It's saying you do not believe that she is as "good" as you are at handling situations like driving, making decisions, etc. How arrogant is that, and how belittling is it for her. This display of how little you think of her further erodes your wife's feeling toward you.
If you want your marriage to get better, it's not going to happen by forcing your already unhappy wife (who's unhappy because of you to begin with) to give up things that may make her a little bit happier. That will only make her even more desperate to get away from you and resentful. What you're doing may keep the marriage going for longer by taking away all her other options in life, but it won't make your marriage feel any better which means you'll always be on the brink of divorce or otherwise just really miserable forever.
I dont' think this is what you want, is it? Wouldn't you want your wife to stay with you because she enjoys it and sees value in being with you, and not because you've removed her other options so she has no choice?
It's true that if you keep her a prisoner at home there won't be as much chance that she may meet a new man and want to run off with him or simply come to enjoy being away from you so much that she decides to make that permanent. So if you carry on what you're doing now you can certainly drag out your marriage indefinitely, that's for sure. But it's not going to improve it instead it's going to make it feel even worse for the both of you.
If you want your actual marriage to improve, then control has no place in it because control is due to selfishness (yours) and your showing a lack of trust to your wife.
If you 'release' her and allow her to do whatever she wants what may happen? Well there are no guarantees in life. Your worst fears may very well happen and you have to accept this as the reality of the situation you are in right now. Your relationship already sucks and you have to accept that maybe you've already ruined it too much. She could very well discover that she's happier without you and want to divorce you. But if that's the case, how can you say that it would have been better or more "right" to keep her a prisoner and keep her miserable for longer? That's not what a marriage should be, and "working on the marriage" isn't going to be successful if the motivation isn't there on her part. You can't rebuild a marriage if it wasn't your idea to be doing it.
On the other hand it's also possible that if you allow your wife the freedom to do what she wants, you are demonstrating TRUST and RESPECT for her, which are needed for any good relationship. And it has to be not just once or twice but as a way of life. These ongoing acts of trust and respect are what stand the best chance of improving your marriage and some day changing the way your wife thinks and feels about you to a more positive tone, so that she will decide she wants to stay with you, if your marriage is not already too far gone.
I would suggest that you get some counseling for yourself so you can work on your controllingness and insecurities rather than making it into your wife's problem and further destroying your marriage or undermining any attempts to rebuild it. This is not an extreme suggestion, this has been going on for how many years now?? time to get some help if what you're doing on your own is still making you miserable.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): i beg to differ: OP u are NOT controlling, a tad bit overprotective but certainly not controlling.i think your wife is very immature andwell, she now wants the good, fast life, lots of sexcitement and to hell with the consequences. your wife has already made up her mind that she wants to start "having fun" without realising the consequences of her ations.her friends are also a bad influence. OP i think your wife wants to spread her wings: perhaps even "sample other forbidden fruit" (??/) , you are not paranoid. i think u know your wife very well and u know that she is pushing the envelop.i am all for going out and enjoying oneself. i personally choose not to have acohol but i still enjoy a good night out. i choose to be responsible and well, still respect myself in the morning. SO going out is not the issue. it is your wifes thoughts and her behaviour. staying with her somewhat wayward friends after a boozing night is a big NO NO.seems like your wife wants FREEDOM from you and pretty soon she will be hiding what she is really doing at these girly nights out. (therefore she wants to stay over at friends so that u are none the wiser)OP, u have a start of a bad bad situation. dont know what u are going to do to resolve it. your wife wants freedom and if not 'contained" u can kiss your marriage goodbue. its her attitude that stinks.op, i repeat going out with friends is not an issue. but knowing that s he perhaps cannot handle her alcohol, her sheltered life, and her new found freedom attitude all boils down toone thing: TROUBLE.when i go out and if i am uncomfortable/or just not feeling up to it, my hb fetches me. i trust him and i know he has my best interest at heart. i DO NOT think he is controlling. i know he loves me and wants me to be safe. thishas to also do with communication and trust and just knowing each other.but them thats my marriage and i choose to let my hb into my life.OP btw, we have another rule in our marriage: work friends/colleagues are not allowed in our out of work time. both hubby and i maintain this and it has worked for 20 years. we have both made exceptions sometimes ( very very rarely though) and have invited a colleague from work for supper. work colleagues vs family friends/close friendship: we have close friends that are not part of our working life. works for us. LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): Friends that are not "friends of the marriage" lead to the destruction of the marriage if you get involved with them more. Drugs and alcohol just magnify that possibility. None of what you are saying bodes well. Ask your wife to go with you to a professional counselor for help.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 December 2011):
 Hi!
IF your wife is 36 and you have been married for 16 years then she married you at 20 and was NOT even LEGAL to go out to bars drinking with her friends before marriage.
I am betting that you do treat her much like a child. She was barely NOT a child when you guys got married! Old habits are hard to break...
While she may NOT have been a drinker over the years at 36 now she is an adult and wants to see the world. She has friends from work and that's a good thing.... Work friends make us way more interesting...
Maybe her older friends that are single and divorced also were married in their late teens or early 20s and have left controlling jealous insecure men as they have found themselves in their maturing... basically your wife has matured and grown and changed over the last 16 years and that's NORMAL.
Women going out with other women friends to bars and drinking....does NOT mean cheating... nor does it mean leaving a marriage... it means SPACE... it means GIRL TIME. IT means FUN.... has she had FUN Over the last 16 years??? what fun has she had?
Do you think your marriage is on the brink due to your behavior? I do. I think that any man that thinks he has the right to say to woman "you CAN'T do this or FEEL this or THINK this" is in danger of being a man ALONE.
IF you want to let your wife get drinking experience before she goes out with her friends, let her practice at home or out with YOU. I am 51 and was never a big drinker but I'm improving with the help of my partner... we drink wine at home now... and when we go out, he picks a drink for me so I can learn what I like and what I do not like. Why bot do this with your wife?
Taking her to her friends and dropping her off and picking her up is treating her totally like a child. And it's smothering and overwhelming. And controlling. You are holding on too tight... you will squeeze the life out of her and your marriage. What's the old saying... IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING SET IT FREE.... if it comes back to you it's yours, if it does not, IT NEVER WAS....
think of sand... what happens when you hold sand lightly in the palm of your hand vs if you try to hold it tightly?
the tighter you hold it the more runs through your fingers...
One of the best times I ever had was a 10 day trip with my best girlfriend... NO husbands.. just two girls on the road driving... and yes I drunk dialed my then husband a few times.... ROFL....
sometimes a bit of a break is all we need to make us realize how good we have it.
Let her go.... let her have fun... let her find herself...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): I'm such an outdated gal so what I am going to say will be surprising.
In todays counsel on safe proofing your marriage or 'affair proofing' your marriage; what is recommended is that Couples make Couple Friends!
http://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/Article.aspx?a=47
This way you have like minded friends that are better to support your marriage as they live married.
Single minded people tend to offer single minded advice.
Personally I wouldn't be caught dead in a bar. I find stupidity annoying and alcohol only seems to make the average person become a drunken idiot. I also don't like the excuse of looser morals.
I'm glad you admit to being a controlling aka insecure man. I hope you have gone to counselling to address this aspect about you.
Also, if the marriage is really on the decline due to your abusive ways- well, I say its time for couples counselling.
With couples counselling you can both be heard, see one anothers point of view, then come up with a PLAN where you both learn and grow together on how to meet one anothers needs as well as what would be healthy, wholesome recreation that will keep the marriage safe.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 December 2011):
 Yes you are being controlling. You know your wife and should TRUST HER, no matter who she goes out on the town with, she is WHO she is and you should after 16 years of marriage KNOW that person well enough to trust her.
Talk to her about what you both can AGREE ( not you telling HER) is OK and what a no-no's to do when going out without each other.
Your wife is 36! for crying out loud and you can't even let her go out with friends? Talk about a male ball & chain!
Sorry, I have been married for 13 years now, I go out occasionally with girl friends and my husband go hang out with his guy-friends. It's a NICE break in the daily routine, I don't drink either and I certainly would never consider cheating on my husband.
JUDGE your wife by HER actions, not those of her friends. And please cut her some slack. Or she might listen to her friends suggestions of "dumping" you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 December 2011):
 I agree with Chigirl- and btw I am a non drinker and staying out all night with a bunch of loud drunk party girls who sooner or later might be puking on their own shoes is my idea of hell on earth, so it's not like I am biased. But , your wife is a 36 y.o. adult and capable to make her own decisions,regardless of her sheltered ( by you )life. She does not HAVE to get wasted just the same as her croonies, she can drink less if she wants and keep acting normal. OR, she can decide that once in a blue moon it's not such a big deal if she wants to let her hair down and let loose a bit. Either way , that's her choice and her responsibility - you are her husband , not her tutor , so don't try to act as if you were- particularly if you want to convince her that you are NOT a controlling type.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 December 2011):
 So what if she does? Let her go out and get smashed, it doesn't give you a headache in the morning.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 December 2011):
I also think you are being controlling. You are trying to think for her, be her brains, make the decisions on her behalf, chose what friends are good for the marriage or not, control when she goes out and at what time she comes home, where she will sleep etc. That's a whole lot of controlling! Yes, you are nervous, but this sort of behaviour and thinking, and acting as if you know whats best for her than she knows herself, is exactly what landed your marriage where it is today. So to prevent it from worsening you should not continue with this exact behaviour, but instead LET IT GO. Let her make her own decisions. If she wants go out, she goes out. What friends she chooses to see is her choice to make. Who's advice and suggestions to listen to is her choice, it always will be, and there isn't a thing you can do to change that except be controlling and lock her down to not speak to another person again in her life. Which is exactly the situation you need to avoid.
She is your wife, but she is not your possession, nor an object. She is an individual that needs to be allowed to make her own decisions. Things WILL be out of your hand, but when dealing with another human, who has a will of their own, things will ALWAYS be out of your hand and out of your control. You need to come to terms with this and let things unfold and see what happens.
Her friends isn't what is ruining your marriage, it is your controlling personality that ruins the relationship, you said so yourself. So you make the choice, what can be best for the marriage? Keep her from seeing these friends through controlling ways, or let her see her friends, and not control her? Your choice.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (16 December 2011):
 Hi,
Sorry to say, but you are a little controlling. I am glad that you now have acknowledge. Be nice to your wife, give her a break. Instead of controlling, learn how to communicate, be equal.... Compromise, nobody have a perfect relationship, everybody have problems, and what matters is how you and your wife handle the situation. Instead of having negative thoughts, why don't you try to be nicer, do fun things together, take her on a date weekly, go out, movies, eat, spend time together... Doing little things together can bring you back, make you closer. Be kind to one another. Think of how your wife must feel after 16 years together?
I think, rather you are married or not, everybody needs time apart, she needs to be alone with friends. Socializing is part of life. I think you have nothing to worry, she even suggested for you to drop her off and pick her up? But, I don't agree with the idea of her spending the night out? Call me old school.
If I may say with all the respect. You are who you are, and I am not telling you to change, but know that everything cannot always be your way. Just because you have certain opinions and views doesn't mean your wife needs to follow or agree. Life is about making sacrifices for your love ones
Good luck/ best wishes...
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A
male
reader, bdt +, writes (16 December 2011):
bdt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust a clarification about the type of woman my wife is wanting to go out with. These are not woman who are out for a few drinks. They stay till the early hours in the morning and play drinking games all night and get waisted. Her best friend post on fb often on how waisted they got and how crazy things got. I guess its not so much a trust issue with my wide, but more of a trust issue with her friends. She likes to want to fit in and is easly influenced, and I'm just afraid she will become totally smashed like the first time they went out.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (16 December 2011):
 One other thing...
'I asked the wife just how going out would work'. THE wife. What is that? Is that like 'THE car' or 'THE stove'?
When we refer to a person, especially someone close to us, as 'the' anything it is either because we see them as objects, not people, or because we are distancing ourselves from them.
Food for thought.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (16 December 2011):
In other words do we think you should try to control you're wife's activities to protect your marriage which is in jeopardy because of your controlling behaviour.
I understand you're afraid and I do not mean to sound dismissive or contemptuous by what I'm about to say, but a big part of the problem here is that you, and men like you, seem think you are, or ought to be, the centre of a woman's universe. That everything she does is for or despite you.
In fact women spend very little time thinking or talking about men. The whole point of getting together with women is to be with WOMEN. After 16 years of being with you, the last thing your wife wants is another man.
Relationships are supposed to compliment our lives, not dominate them. Everyone needs enough room to grow as individuals, explore, seek adventures and learn about ourselves. That's how we keep relationships exciting and healthy. Your wife has been forced to stagnate and as a result so has your marriage. If she can't have what she needs while she's with you, she will have it on her own.
Your offer to drive her there and pick her up is a generous one, were it coming from someone who didn't have a history of trying to dominate. Because of your past, your wife understandably thinks this is just a sneaky way of trying to control her.
Going out for a drink does not mean getting hammered. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with her spending the night at her best friend's house. She's not moving in, just enjoying some girl time.
A lot of men will tell you you're right and that you should give her an ultimatum, but you're married to a woman, and this woman (me), who also had a controlling husband and speaks from experience, recommends you give your wife some space. It may be more than you're comfortable with, but you've got some making up to do. She put up with what you wanted for the sake of the relationship. It's time you did the same.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 December 2011):
To be honest, you're still being too controlling. Her friends will always have influence over her - all friends do. But they have already come out and just said that you're controlling, along with your wife who says the same thing. So to then try and contain the situation by telling your wife that you'll drop her and pick her up only makes you look more controlling. There is no way that you can control this situation.
Instead, I would really recommend that you sit down with your wife, you tell her that you're sorry and that you really want to work this out before the marriage falls apart. Ask her for counselling if you need to.
Just don't continue to try and contain this situation. You're losing her, and you need to talk to her, not try and prevent her from spending too much time with these friends.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): I think you are being a bit controlling. Honestly you don;t seem to trust her and you obviously don't trust that she has the ability to make her own decisions. Your basically saying that she can't make up her own mind and needs to be led to what is right. You sound like a father not a husband. You may be trying to be cautious and protecting your marriage from further destruction, but what you are actually doing is pushing it toward further destruction. You obviously love your wife, but you have to see her as a partner, not as someone who needs you to make decisions for her and tell her what is right for her. In regards to her what her friend's have said, they have said that because she is unhappy, they have not caused her to be unhappy in your relationship. I have been through this myself and I tell you honestly, that no matter what anyone did or did not say to me, it was the fact that my partner seemed to think I couldn;t think for myself and acted like a parent does to their children, that made me unhappy and ultimately made me leave him. Give your wife the credit she deserves, if she was as easily led as you believe she would have left you by now, but she hasn't so she has been thinking for herself. Do something about your insecurities and controlling behaviour, you have taken the first step by posting this and I give you all the credit for that. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, I don't mean to, I am being honest however, and do not want you to have to go through the kind of breakup I did. The more you make a fuss and treat her this way, the more unhappy she will be, she wants to know that you trust her ability to think for herself and that you don't see her as a mindless child. Good Luck.
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