A
male
age
41-50,
*urthubby
writes:It's a little long. I apologize in advance. But there is so complicated.So confused and don't know what to do.I found out my wife cheated on me 1 year ago today. Needless to say, I was devastated and still am.Traumatized. For the first 10 days when I found out, I drank continuously and didn't sleep a wink for 10 days straight.We have been married 17 years and together 23 years. Teenage sweethearts. Everything was perfect. We had a great marriage. Finances, love life, best friends, communication, showing her attention, vacations, dates, everything.We held hands in public, and were examples to other couples. Many couples came to us for advice, and stated their wanted their relationship like ours. I thought we were madly in love, and had the perfect relationship.I was wrong. I found out she was having an affair with my younger cousin brother, who was my best friend!!! All four of us met socially almost every weekend for years now. Same church, same community. Same family!Then...I found out. At first, I had a feeling something was wrong. In November 2011, I asked her if she was talking this this man a little too much. She said no. They were just friends. She talked to both him and his wife. I warned her about the dangers of a man and a woman getting too close. How it could turn into something else. I also told her that if I ever find out that she is having an emotional or physical affair, I would leave her. I made it very clear. All our lives, we discussed that temptations will come, but we should just flee from the situation. We always agreed that we could work through any marital problems, except cheating. We both agreed, infidelity is unforgivable.Well, a month later, December 15, 2011, I had a funny feeling again. Looked up cell phone records and confronted her with the 8 months of constant talking and texting she hid from me.She denied at first, but then confessed. She said she met him once, then later twice, then later 3 times, now its 4 times. Once at his apartment,twice at his work, once in a parking lot. She claims they never had sex. They did kiss, and he tried to go down on her, but she said she left and told him no.They were telling each other "I LOVE YOU". She says it didnt mean anything.I also, caught her secretly texting him 5 years ago. I thought it was only for a couple days, but now learned it was for a couple weeks. Never saw the texts, she she says they were just sharing poems, including love poems.She is remorseful and regretful. She hasn't spoken to him at all. He actually moved out of state. Couldn't face me anymore.She tries to love me. She says all the right things.But I don't think I love her anymore. I don't know if I can even trust her words now. She acted like this to me even when she was having the affair.She says she has learned her lesson. She made the biggest mistake and choice of her life. She can't live without me. etc. etc.But, she gives me no reason for the affair. That nothing was wrong with our marriage. That I was always perfect. That she just liked the extra attention from this other man. That I should just forgive and forget it and move on.She won't give me details. She says I am just trying to humiliate her and torcher her when I talk about it or ask questions. She said she has already answered my questions, but I wont believe her. (that's because many times she changes her answer, or I know it's just not the truth).I don't know what to do. I never believed in divorce. I can't see how I can leave my kids. I know they need their mom, so I can't kick her out.But, I don't think I can forgive or forget. I think about it day and night. It's been a full year.I understand people make mistakes, and we can forgive. But I tried that in the past. Five years ago, and in November 2010. Also, it's not about the mistake. Fact is, mistake or not, she made those choices.What haunts me though, is why? Why she have the desire to make that mistake or choice in the first place?How could she think it was worth jeopardizing her marriage and family, a second or even a third time.Why did she keep this man close to us, for so many years, if she knew he was a threat to our marriage?ANY ADVICE??? PLEASE HELP!!!
View related questions:
affair, best friend, cheated on me, cousin, divorce, infidelity, move on, moved out, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): Cheating, like other art forms, has kept up with technological advances. Informal workplaces, availability of public places to hang out in, the item-girlisation of women and the promise of eternal network by every mobile phone… Sleeping around just got easier. check out all the signs of a cheating spouse http://www.paranoogle.com/10-signs-of-a-cheating-spouse
A
female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (17 December 2011):
 Why do people cheat? Possibly because they are in some way unhappy. Your case..... Known each other for 23 years is a longtime a huge plus and its also why finding out she's done this is so difficult to deal with. Excusable, no. Thing is as humans we make mistakes. Your bf felt so bad and moved away - so as to give you room and I know he's so ashamed of everything. As for your wife I feel you could and should give her a chance. She's told you why she did it though it doesn't add up since you were always there for her. She did what you never expected and trusting her will be extremely difficult but your marriage deserves another chance. There have been so many good times in the past as you guys have even been mirrors or examples to others as to how a marriage ought to be. To find out yours had this crack is awful but you can get past it. I sure the love you have for her is what has kept you together this long try reaching into it to help in this situation.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): She is no good. Dump her or cheat on her too.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): Cheating is a topic which has been studied extensively by behavioural psychologists for decades, but I won't go into too much detail about it here. I'm by no means a professional, but I'll try to answer your questions from my own point of view instead (and with regard to your particular situation). First of all, the reason your wife gave you for cheating was, quite simply, that she enjoyed the attention from this other man. As you say, you were teenage sweethearts; when two people get together at such a young age, some may feel at some point down the line that they "missed out" on the experience of dating others before they settled down. By no means does this excuse infidelity, but I believe it could be a factor to consider in your case. Have you asked her about this?
Secondly, I think that few people intentionally plan to cheat on their partner or spouse – not the first time, anyway. When making the vow to be faithful, most people are sincere and have every intention of keeping their word. But when it comes to feelings and making decisions, reason and logic often come second to our emotions; hence from time to time, our emotions control our behaviour and lead us to do things which we may never have had any intention of doing. To put this into context then, I believe that a lot of cheating happens when people find themselves in situations where their emotions get the better of them.
However, we're not really talking about "making a mistake" here. Once is a mistake. As you say, it doesn't excuse a second or third time – that's an affair. So the question is (in light of the explanation you've been given), why did your wife feel the need for this other man's attention for such a long time? Was she chronically dissatisfied with some aspect of your marriage deep down? Did she feel that you weren't providing her with the attention she craved, so she sought it somewhere else? These are questions which only she can answer – but she has to be very honest with herself.
Personally, I believe you have a good chance of surviving what has happened. Of course there will be factors to overcome; as you say, at the moment you're still in shock and hurting awfully from the betrayal. You need time to truly come to terms with everything. But think about how things stand at the moment: the man has moved away and you've both cut all contact with him. Not having him present in your life is the first and most important step towards recovery. You've spent 23 years of your lives together; think about all the memories you have to look back upon. I know it's hard, but do try to focus on the good times. When a marriage suffers a major trauma, I imagine it would be easy to concentrate on that alone. But for this one incident, although devastating, you have a hundred and one positive experiences. Don't forget about them! And think of your children. They're living proof of the life you've shared.
If your wife sincerely wants to the two of you back on track, then I think you should both do everything possible to make that happen – and that includes her being completely honest with both of you. I don't know how you feel about marriage counselling; perhaps that would help? Don't feel guilty if at the moment you can't find it in your heart to forgive her. It will probably come in time – I say probably, because only you can know if that's the case. But sometimes, I believe we're tested in such a way to see what we're really made of. By all accounts and to people on the outside, you had a near-perfect marriage. It's been shaken to its foundations now, but if you can survive this, you can survive anything. You mustn't forget the past, not because you can't forgive it, but so you can learn from it. Good luck and take care :)
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (16 December 2011):
 Hi hurthubby,
I am going through a very similar situation. (10 years relationship, discovered and ended 16 mos ago) but the difference is that I could not forgive... I am stubborn, I just don't have the ability to forgive, forget and move on. It takes a strong person, and it's not me. Like you, I thought we had a perfect relationship, I kept myself well during those years, I felt my love grow more each year, I was very loyal, nice, caring, attentive, it was easy to do all those things for him... After all those years I felt more and more in love...
I felt everything you describe, all the pain, trauma, shocking, shaking, anxiety, etc... I felt so sick mentally, emotionally, physically, couldn't stop crying, couldn't sleep, eat, lost weigh, I actually throw up several times for feeling so sick.... It's not about having a man or need a man in my life. NEVER. I am always independent. It's the fact that someone you love with all your heart could've lie in your face! The betrayal, being so fake and deceitful. He was my best friend and I trusted him with all my heart. So, I can relate with how you feel.
But, in your case I think you still have a chance. You said you don't love her anymore? I am sure you do, right now you are just too angry to admit. It was a year ago, she ended on her own, it was a short period of time, no sex.... I think if you both stay strong, support each other, maybe seek professional help if necessary you can work this out and make the marriage even stronger... Don't give up on your 23 years.... Usually, I am against getting back together after cheating... (my own true experience...lol) but in this case I see hope.
First, please stop drinking, eat, get plenty of rest because you will need every strengh to overcome this. You need a clear, rational head to make your marriage survive... Please, let's us know how you are doing and if we can give you more opinions.
Good luck/best wishes
...............................
|
