Things you never want to hear from your SO

"After some intense research, I have decided that you are exactly.... average."

Posted on 4 March 2011 @ 14:18 (London time) - permalink
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"Your meatloaf sucks."

Posted on 4 March 2011 @ 14:53 (London time) - permalink
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"Honey, great news! There's a 'Jersey Shore' marathon on TV this weekend. Do you mind if I start calling you 'Snooki'? And we're outta beer and chips, so get your backside to the package store, Snooks!"

Posted on 4 March 2011 @ 15:1 (London time) - permalink
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"Humm boxers or briefs, I can't decide, I KNOW I'll ask the 13 year old who lives next door!

Posted on 4 March 2011 @ 16:0 (London time) - permalink
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Are you in yet?

Posted on 4 March 2011 @ 16:15 (London time) - permalink
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"The boys are coming over for poker, but don't worry, I told them there was a 2 cigar per person maximum."

Posted on 4 March 2011 @ 16:26 (London time) - permalink
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Have you finished yet?

Posted on 4 March 2011 @ 16:33 (London time) - permalink
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"Mom's coming to live with us so she can be closer to her doctor! They are so close to finding a cure for her flatulence!"

Posted on 4 March 2011 @ 16:35 (London time) - permalink
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The doctor called. It's Herpes.

Posted on 4 March 2011 @ 16:56 (London time) - permalink
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"Sorry about your bath towels but at least the oil in your car is clean."

Posted on 4 March 2011 @ 17:21 (London time) - permalink
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"The Good Times Motel called to say your usual room was being renovated. The quarter-slot on the vibrating bed was jammed with what looked like Spanish fly wrappers. You'll get a discount rate on the Charlie Sheen Goddess Waterbed Suite, as it's right next to the highway on-ramp. They also wanted to know if the stain next to the mirror on the ceiling was oil- or water-based."

Posted on 4 March 2011 @ 17:48 (London time) - permalink
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"Sorry dear, I've got a headache."

Posted on 4 March 2011 @ 19:27 (London time) - permalink
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"I've decided to take up golf."

Posted on 4 March 2011 @ 19:59 (London time) - permalink
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"Hey Honey, come here and let me show you how to work the new power sprayer, you know, in case you ever want to use it."

Posted on 7 March 2011 @ 14:50 (London time) - permalink
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"We need to talk..."

Posted on 7 March 2011 @ 22:24 (London time) - permalink
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"Do you think these skid marks will come out? I ran out of TP."

Posted on 7 March 2011 @ 22:24 (London time) - permalink
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"I've decided to give up shaving."

Posted on 7 March 2011 @ 23:42 (London time) - permalink
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"The bills have been too high lately so I'm only going to shower twice a month."

Posted on 8 March 2011 @ 1:4 (London time) - permalink
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"I know the Vette only has two seats but just look at the roomy trunk!"

Posted on 8 March 2011 @ 15:39 (London time) - permalink
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You look almost pretty after a couple of beers... When the lights are dim.

Posted on 8 March 2011 @ 16:23 (London time) - permalink
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"I accidentally broke your great-great grandma's platter, do we have another one to put this chicken on?"

Posted on 8 March 2011 @ 18:10 (London time) - permalink
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"I thought I would take it upon myself to do something nice..I reorganized your kitchen cabinets and drawers!"

Posted on 8 March 2011 @ 18:13 (London time) - permalink
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I just wanted to let you know that even though you aren't the prettiest girl in the world, and even though you aren't the smartest woman I know, and even though you aren't as small as you used to be, and even thought I know a lot of women nicer than you, well, that's about it.

Posted on 8 March 2011 @ 20:24 (London time) - permalink
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" For how long my mother is planning to stay with us when she visits...? Oh not much. Two,three months tops "

Posted on 9 March 2011 @ 10:5 (London time) - permalink
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"You know it's stupid to only have Thanksgiving dinner with all the fixings only one a year. How's about we do it once a week from now on!"

Posted on 9 March 2011 @ 13:50 (London time) - permalink
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Staring intensely into my face while holding me in bed... and you are waiting for the sweet nothing that is about to come out of his mouth...

Posted on 9 March 2011 @ 19:0 (London time) - permalink
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"As a matter of fact, yes, that outfit DOES make you look fat."

Posted on 10 March 2011 @ 15:39 (London time) - permalink
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"Gosh, I'm sorry, but what's your last name again?"

Posted on 10 March 2011 @ 19:7 (London time) - permalink
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"I decided it was time I helped out with the laundry so I did it all for you...what do you mean 'did I sort it before I washed'?"

Posted on 10 March 2011 @ 19:45 (London time) - permalink
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"Why would I need to wash my hands after using the toilet?"

Posted on 10 March 2011 @ 21:15 (London time) - permalink
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"I did not have sexual relations with that woman..."

Posted on 10 March 2011 @ 21:20 (London time) - permalink
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"You know all that various leftover paint we've hung onto all these years? Well I found a place to use it all up!"

Posted on 10 March 2011 @ 21:29 (London time) - permalink
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"You know that if you squint just right, those veins on your leg spell out S-E-X-P-O-T."

Posted on 10 March 2011 @ 21:35 (London time) - permalink
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"We are out of dog food so I gave them each a can of that chili that was in the cupboard."

Posted on 10 March 2011 @ 21:56 (London time) - permalink
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"...oh, and after I fed them their dinner, I had to leave in a hurry and may have accidentally shut them in your closet. I'll let them back out once the thunderstorms have passed the area."

Posted on 10 March 2011 @ 23:24 (London time) - permalink
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" Wow. That was amazing . I'd never thought that sex with a fat woman could feel so good ".

Posted on 11 March 2011 @ 10:7 (London time) - permalink
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"I didn't know you have hair on your upper lip! Are you going to shave it?"

Posted on 12 March 2011 @ 1:23 (London time) - permalink
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"Babe,if I should just follow my heart, I'd marry you tomorrow ! But let's not rush it. Let's first see what my parole officer says."

Posted on 12 March 2011 @ 9:5 (London time) - permalink
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My ex is single again and needs a place to stay for a few weeks.... I told here that it would be perfectly fine with you...

Posted on 13 March 2011 @ 0:18 (London time) - permalink
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"Do you think (your best girl friend's name) would be down for a threesome?"

Posted on 13 March 2011 @ 3:5 (London time) - permalink
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"I'm just so much more *spiritual* now. Surely you wouldn't want anything grubby like sex to interefere with that?"

Posted on 13 March 2011 @ 3:37 (London time) - permalink
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"Hey, come here and smell this."

Posted on 14 March 2011 @ 13:7 (London time) - permalink
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While sporting a clay-facial..."Yikes! ET phone home yet?"

Posted on 16 March 2011 @ 20:58 (London time) - permalink
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"HI..!!!...I'm Brian Fellows..!!"

Posted on 22 March 2011 @ 2:3 (London time) - permalink
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"Why would you feel indadequate?...you're perfectly adequate."

Posted on 2 April 2011 @ 2:20 (London time) - permalink
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