A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is eleven years younger than me. Im 37 and he's 26, he's never had kids, had a long term relationship or lived w anyone. I, on the other hand, have been married, have 2 kids from 2 different fathers. He tells me he feels like its getting serious between us and he is not sure if he is able to cope with the fact that more life experiences than him. He says that he pictured doing all those things with a person that is as new to new things as him. We get along great and we are happy together, I love him a lot. Do you think it's a waste of time to stay w him? Should I just let go? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 June 2013):
 Well I have to say for me age gaps are fine IF both parties are over 30.
I have had several promising relationships in the past end when the younger male partner wanted children and I was no longer able to have any. This was (and rightfully so) a deal breaker for him. I had to respect that.
While it may work for you two for a while, in the long run, if he is not happy with the situation, nothing can fix the issues he's not happy with. You can't UNDO children or experiences you've had without him and if it's important to him that he experience these things first time with a partner who also is experiencing them first time, then you can't fix that and should consider that he may have to leave.
The problem is do you want to risk him leaving later on or do you want to risk ending it now before he's sure what he wants.
To me, a man who wants a partner who is as "virginal" as he is in areas, should never have selected a woman with experience. Obviously you were supposed to be fun and games for this fellow and you are so awesome that he's now conflicted.
FWIW our gap is even bigger at just over 13 years (my husband is 40 (finally) to my 53 and while we work for us, part of the reason we work is
a. we met when he was 37 not 27 (at which point I doubt I would have found him acceptable as a life partner)
b. he never wanted to have children (thankfully)
I agree that you must talk to him and decide what to do. If you are feeling serious about him and he's not on the same page, it would probably be painful to end it now, but in the long run it will be less painful than dragging it out till his "biological clock" goes off.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 June 2013):
 I am afraid that Serpico is right. He is already telling you , in a nice, diplomatic way, that he does not want a ready made family, he wanted , or at least had seen himself, making his own. I am sure it's hard for him too, as what started as maybe just " fun " , or an interesting experience , is now becoming something serious. He is saying between the lines that he won't LET it become so serious to change his life plans .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2013): Yes I can understand your boyfriend having reservations about this relationship. Yes he is younger than you. But I have a few questions for you. What have you done to help mend fences and make him feel comfortable with you? If you have all this experience then don't you think you should take the lead and sit him down and talk with him about the differences. Just maybe he wants to have children himself with you. Have you talked about that? Have you explained where he is going to fit in your life if you two eventually get married? What kind of relationship is he going to have with your existing children if any? These are all hard hitting topics that you have to talk with him before you decide to throw him to the curb. He has never had children before but he will inherit fathering responsibilities and you have to stop hanging your hat on the fact that you have had two previous fathers from other relationships that is not fair to your boyfriend. It was your choice and dont throw this into his face and expect him to be all okay with it. You should be thankful that a young man like him has enough guts to put his heart on the line for you and try and build a relationship. If you drop this special young man good luck in finding somebody else. Take the lead and try to make him feel comfortable with you and all your baggage. He doesn't have to deal with any of this and you should realize that very quickly. Hang on to this exceptional man and try to make things work out. Good-luck.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (31 May 2013):
 You need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Some men can't handle when their female significant other has more life experience than them because their ego is dependent on being considered competent and capable. Obviously you are independent and he does not feel "needed", which is making him have second thoughts about the relationship. If you want to help him feel more useful and capable, ask him for help and advice occasionally, even if it's just to open stuck jars or change tires on your car, or what shoes to go with your outfit. Men enjoy feeling like we need them because a lot of their sense of self-worth can be tied into the masculine ideal. Unfortunately, many men fall prey to the masculine ideal in today's culture and feel like they have to be the one who is most in control and capable in the relationship or they feel like they lose face. You can subvert this by appreciating him verbally when he does something nice for you, even small relatively insignificant things like bringing you something to drink. Feeling needed is akin to feeling loved to them. It can cause a man to go into crisis if they don't feel needed, so talk to him about it and let him know that you DO rely on him!
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (31 May 2013):
Given your life experience and age differences, odds are against it working out long term.I'm going to be blunt - I don't know a single guy in their late 20's (with anything on the ball) who would stay long-term with a woman approaching 40 with kids. Again, not being mean, just being realistic. A 26 year old man who has his life together has a lot of options, and in most cases a woman more than a decade his senior with another man(s) children isn't going to be one of the more attractive ones to him. IMO, he's already telling you that in not so many words....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2013): Best to ask him what he wants OP instead of us really.
We can't tell you whether that for him is a dealbreaker or not, whether it's something so serious in his mind that he needs to walk away.
Talk it out with him and decide what's best together.
It can work OP, and it can also be something that he simply can't get past. The only one who can tell you that is him.
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