A
female
age
41-50,
*ostMyWay
writes:I am in a bit of a quandry and I hope to get some advice or at least some insight. I've been married to a really wonderful man for the past 7 years and we've been together for a total of 13 years. We have no children. We've been through a lot of ups and downs, emotionally and financially. My husband has worked to put me through school but during that time something happened and I fell out of love.We haven't had a good sex life or decent communication in years but I had always loved him. I started to cheat. It was all very innocent at first - being that it was online curiosity, chat rooms and the like but then it became more serious and I started to do things like webcamming and eventually meeting people to have sex with. I wasn't in love with any of them, but the physical attraction and sex was amazing. I always made sure that I satisfied my husband. Eventually I confessed to my affairs and there were times my husband knew something was up online (he had caught me...on cam)for the last few years. I've given him a lot of grey hairs and yet he still wanted me and loved me.It wasn't enough that he loved me, I continued to have a few affairs and my online activity continued. I met a man who I think I've fallen in love with, granted I have never met him let alone anything else. This man has been wonderful in helping me find myself and while he wants me with him, he is helping me find out what I want from my husband and if I can submit myself to being his wife fully and completely. He says whatever I do he will support me. This online lover of mine is everything I could imagine a man should be and we have so much in common: spirituality, our philosophical views, our takes on culture and the human condition. We really get into those deep discussions and then there is the sex. The wild passionate consuming sex. I have none of this with my husband even though I have tried on and off for years to spark something with him.I recently told my husband that I wanted a trial separation. He laments that we've come so far in our lives and that to give up now would be an attrocity. He says if I only "belive" in "us" we could make it and all our dreams come true. It would be easy to stay with my husband as he is really a great guy. My family loves and adores him. Its been hard to see him cry and upset with my suggestion even though he knew we were going to have this discussion. I feel terrible, cold and calloused even though I am really not that sort of a person. I can't help but not have mixed feelings about all of this. If I leave my husband it may not necessarily be for this other lover, but for myself. I worry I am making a mistake. Can I be satisfied with what I have or is my yearning to know more of myself and to explore possibilities too selfish? I am so confused. If anyone would care to share some insight or reflection it would be appreciated. Obviously there is more to the story then what I can write, but I've given you the jist of whats happening.Thank you
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): It is all very good and wonderful to analyis why you felt the need to cheat and you may have valid reasons for feeling that way but that does not justify cheating on your spouse. If you can not remain faithful to your spouse then divorce him before you cheat. All the talk in the world does not change the fact that you were wrong to do this.
Plain and simple.
A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 The problem is not your husband and obviously you were not able to find in him what you are looking for. Your husband sounds like a great person and is going to be a great catch to someone else, someone that will love him and respect and will want only his company. I think you should probably consider letting him go.
You are lacking something and is searching for it with these affairs. You should try counseling and see if there is a reason you feel the need for attention with different men. Therapy will help with the emptiness you might feel inside. You might have been abuse as a child or abandon or molested, there can be countless reason for why you seek different men. Please think on the reason why you are not stable in your marriage and why are you sleeping with all these men. Do get help and I wish you all the best.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (27 April 2010):
If you are poor, you yearn to be rich. If you are alone, you yearn to find company. If you have insomnia, you yearn for sleep. If you have depression, you yearn for happiness. The list is endless. The answers. If you want to be rich, you get out and work. If you are alone, you go out and find someone. If you have insomnia, you take a pill. If you have depression, you go to a counsellor. And so on.
In your case, you are yearning for something, and that 'something' relates directly the whatever happened (you didn't mention what it was in your post). The fact your husband is a good man makes no difference, because the problem isn't him (unless you say otherwise), nor is the problem these affairs. There are merely the distraction you are using to get away. So you have to find out what it is you are REALLY wanting, and try to discover it. In my case, I lost my job. So I set up my own company. To be honest, it's failing because of the recession, not because it was a bad idea. So not always does trying to find something work out first time. But I'm not giving up. And neither should you. Whatever it is that you want, you must search for. It might take time, but you will get there. And if that means you leave your husband, then you must leave him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010): Your life is a mirror to mine. I have a husband who has been a good father,stable and kind, but he never express emotions. I am a very expressive person,and not to show emotion just about kills me.Five years ago I meet a man in the same situation, and we could talk about everything. We were joined at the hip, total soulmates.Our love life was passionate,and amazing. I have never experienced it before. I have told my husband and He does not want me to leave.The funny thing is he never though I was emotional at all, that shows how little we communicated. He said he can see what he done and will change. I hate the hurt I cause him to see him cry, but I wonder is it to little to late? My husband is the kindest man ever, but the conection is not there.My concellor has said that if your emonional needs are not meet in your marriage we look for it somewhere else.That is what happened to us.Though my lover and I might not end up together, I have at least experience something I am yearning for and it is out there. At end of day, only we can decide what we want.If you can find passion with your husband then stay,but if it is to late we need to be true to ourselves, because the problems will come back to haunt us again. Best wishes,it good to know that there is another in my situation.
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A
female
reader, togtog +, writes (27 April 2010):
Being 'in love' isn't something which lasts. However, you can move on from being 'in love' to loving someone deeply, in a way which can last.It sounds as though you are looking for something that is missing in your own life - in your view of yourself, and that the high of being wanted and desired by other people is allowing you to forget this gap in your life...I do think that the person that you need to spend time and effort getting to know is yourself - be this with your husband or on your own. Simply chasing around after other men will just act as a distraction - enjoyable at the time, but leaving you with that slightly hollow feeling - that something still isn't quite right.
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