A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts and Uncles, I'm really hoping for some help because my situation is distressing me and I'm lost and need guidance on how to proceed. I was in a long term relationship since 2003 then we split up in Spring 2008 but spoke to each other a lot then started meeting up again that summer and spent time together as friends I guess but always hugged and kissed and eventually we slept together just after Xmas 2008 then were seeing each other until March 2009. We have had big ups and downs over the years and he has had some psychological problems (he functions and has a job etc .. ) and he is divorced with grown up child. I really love this man - he is the love of my life. I have tried everything to get over him but I can't. I am still just as upset now as I was in Spring 08 when we split. Am I mad to want to stand by him and still be with him? I would love to make it work. We were together for so long and were faithful to each other. He does have a temper but can be loving and lovely too. We have barely spoken since an argument in January of this year and he was refusing to speak to me a couple of weeks ago and said he had been dating someone (but people that know him are not sure that is true and maybe he said it to get a reaction from me). I miss him and he is on my mind all the time and I want to work it out but I feel as though my 'competition' is not other women or such but actually his psychological state. Has anyone ever been involved seriously and long term with someone they love and who functions normally at work etc but has mental health issues underlying?? His issues are insecurity, anger, strange ideas about things that don't upset the rest of us and he himself once said he is better off on his own maybe and he said it is 'because of me - because of how I am'. Help! I love this man and despite the ups and downs and him taking his anger out on me I would stand by him for better or for worse. He has been verbally abusive to me but I know the real 'him' deep down is actually loving faithful and kind. What do I do? Am I fighting a losing battle? And do I call him or go see him or see if he calls me? I am so upset and missing him and have no interest in other men because I just want him and want to work stuff out with him. We have a strong synergy but he clearly does have issues and even his own son knows this so handles him a bit with kid gloves to some extent. Would you stay with someone who has issues and try to repair things or leave? He is the only man I have felt so strongly about in my life, I didn't even feel this much love for my children's father. I feel lost and upset and I don't know what to do and/or how to proceed. Bearing in mind his state of mind is not exactly 'the norm' it's hard to know how to approach him/this problem. Thank you for taking the trouble to read this. x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (4 March 2010):
 Always gives all your best and if your best is not enough , there is nothing more you can do.
If you have given all your best, you will not have regrets.
In every thing have love , understandings and compassion's.
Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.
A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (4 March 2010):
 Hi hun, You wrote that you'd love to make it work.
Unless he wants to make it work as well it never will EVER.
There's no magic key that you can find to fix him, and hoping that one day things will be different without some sort of epiphany from him is futile.
The only person you can change in all this is yourself. Please focus your mind off him and onto yourself. The way out of all this is to work on you.
You are in love with the potential of this guy in your head.
The reality is he's messed up and doesn't love you enough to put the work in. It's not important enough to him.
You sound in need of some counselling and or therapy/self help to find out why you allow yourself to feel like this over someone who treats you badly.
You deserve a partner who loves and respects you and at least tries to make you happy. You've got to believe that too. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 March 2010):
 Wow when I read this I felt I was almost reading my own story. I am in exactly the same situation as you and I am also still trying to work out what to do for the best. My long term partner (whom I do not live with at present)has mental health issues. He is insecure and mistrusting, can be cruel and angry at times, but like your partner, he also has a warm loving generous side which I am hooked on.
We are both divorced but whereas I have moved on from my past relationship, he never has and at times it consumes him with anger and frustration. He also has massive issues with a controlling and now mostly absent father.
We tried living together for a while and even though things were good to start, he gradually sank into depression which manifested into anger and aggressive controlling behaviour.
I am now living back in my own home. I have told him we can never be together again until he gets professional help for his mood swings. I offered to help him find 'help' but he says he will do it in his own time. It remains to be seen if he does because on many levels I think he is still in deep denial.
He is a good man, he is just trapped in a mind that is depressive and unreasonable. Many times he cannot remember his outbursts and is always very apologetic when he goes too far.
I am getting on with my own life. We remain friends and I will always be there to help him if he needs it but for the sake of myself, I have decided to take a back seat.
I love him and I know he loves me, but unless he realises that he must face up to and deal with his own demons...there is no hope for us.
I don't usually get into private correspondence, but if you need to talk about things then drop me a line.
with love
Aunty Em xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): You like getting treated badly that's about it you have no self respect for yourself and feel like you can change him or save him I bet he is a guy with a juicy past...walk away now before it's too late. (if it's not already)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 March 2010):
It never ceases to amaze me how many people go on about the 'real person', or that he/she is a 'caring person really, but is just angry the rest of the time'. You do know the real him, The real him is a man who is angry, verbally abusive, insecure and doesn't treat you well. There is no 'real' him. There is no 'deep down'. This man is who he is. He has problems, and you simply can't compete with them. You're a very lovely lady, but please don't fall for the old 'this isn't really him' dream, because he's not going to change, and it's not going to get better. You can't stand by someone who doesn't stand by themselves. The real him is this man in front of you. You must move on.
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A
female
reader, jaime90  +, writes (3 March 2010):
 Is he seeking professional help? If the answer is no i would say yes you are fighting a loosing battle. I know this because of my boyfriend of 2 years. He has all the problems you listed, anger issues, insecurities, ALOT of these strange issues that wouldn't upset a normal person.
The only way things will start to improve is if he is seeing a psychologist. My boyfriend and i did break up because he was not taking the steps he needed to to better himself and our relationship. Don't stay in an abusive relationship, it will only get worse. You have to show him you are serious, you want to be with him but things need to change.
He needs to take responsibility for his issues and accept that you are not the cause of his problems, as people tend to want someone to blame. It is worth it if you truley care deep down and love them with all your heart.
when we broke up, my boyfriend started a regular pattern with a psychologist to show me he cared and now things are slowly getting there. it is ALOT of hard work, you have to be the world's most understanding and supporting partner, but you know in your heart if he is worth it.
good luck!
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