A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Married for almost 10 years and have 3 little kids. We have a nice house,comfortable lifestyle. Found out today he has been texting some girl from his work, apparently thats all. Just dont know whether its work continuing relationship when he cant be trusted. Dont feel its fair I need to be cheated (emotional or otherwise) on. But he is my best friend and I marriage/raising kids isnt easy so dont know if I am being too hasty . Although he has done this before during my last pregnancy. Dont know if I can actually be bothered seperating and loosing my house/moving the kids. What would everyone else do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2020): "he has been texting some girl from his work, apparently thats all. "
Do you want to be joined at the hip? You need help, not for a husband who chats with women. He's probably like me, needs buddies but is more comfortable with women.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2020): He is making a fool out of you and doesn't care. He has already left you emotionally. You are the one who enables him to keep cheating and to keep making a fool out of you by staying. We are supposed to stay in relationships and trust our partners, aren't we? But the moment they start to treat us badly and with disrespect is the moment we need to stand up for ourselves and put our foot down. In no uncertaint terms will we allow them to treat us that way. There is nothing wrong with us. Our head is held high. They are the ones who are worthless. So, I suggest seeing your lawyer. This is only going to escalate and get worse over time. Your resentment is going to reach a boiling point where you are going to just SNAP. And he might too. He refuses to allow you to put a lid on his side entertainment. You are both in a power struggle and in the end there will be an explosion. I suggest for your own well being and mental health and for the sake of your children that you extricate yourself from this narcissist now. He will never change and is beyond help because he believes he's too superior and almighty to ever see that he is flawed more than anyone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2020): My sister in law had the same problem with my brother. She was a stay at home mom, with three daughters and my brother constantly cheated on her and her mistresses were all younger good looking professional young women - nothing like my sister in law.Your story is maybe different, but my sister in law decided not to get a divorce, because of the financial reasons AND a certain stability that comes with "having a man around". Long story short. She's depressed, obese with no life. Their oldest daughter suffers from anxiety and had been obsessed with finding a bf and getting married (because that's what she learned women should do - find and then hold on to their men). The middle daughter is very much attached to her mother and despises my brother. She does everything she can to empty his wallet, while the youngest one does the same, but she pretends that she adores their father. All three of them are unhappy, materialistic and scared on some level.My point is, regardless of the details, it's a bad situation and kinds will be broken one way or another. And you will suffer too, unless you do something radical. I don't know if leaving is the way to go, but you might start seeing other people too. And discuss open marriage. Honesty is the key. Children learn by watching what we, the adults do. So, if you and your husband are honest with one another, that is what the kids will learn. Marriages, all partnerships for that matter, come in all shapes and sizes. But the good foundation of any relationship is honesty and respect. And right now in your marriage there's none of it.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (26 March 2020):
 Seriously? He’s cheated more than once and YOU are wondering if you’re being too hasty? Give me strength.
I’d gather all the evidence that you can find so that you’ve got him bang to rights and then take him to the cleaners. It’s not possible for him to disrespect you any further, whilst you were carrying his child he did the same then! Unforgivable, how do you know it’s only texting?
You can do better, grow a backbone. Want better for yourself. Would you encourage your kids to stay with a cheating partner for a comfortable lifestyle? Doubt it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2020): Just think........Everything you do your child sees and learns.Everything...kids are smarter than you think.What are you teaching a child that a marriage is?You are teaching them that there is no trust in a marriage and it is ok to be cheated on or cheat yourself.Are these the values you want your children to live by?Are you just pretending in your marriage so you can have a nice house?Should your daughter when she is an adult stay married to a cheater?You are teaching her yes sell yourself for the house...there is no happy ending for anyone.Are you happy being with a cheater?Please get tested for std and get your life together.Who knows maybe you can get the house with him paying for it after the divorce.Because you know all that matters above doing the right thing or having morals is that house Do you get it now?For the sake of your kids I sure hope so.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2020): I am very sorry that you are going through this.
I am afraid there is no easy or painless way to deal with a serial-cheater. He's a repeat-offender.
The lack of facing any consequences, and his humongous-ego emboldens him. He develops an immunity to your unhappiness; and he becomes desensitized to your feelings. He can do it, and feel no guilt or remorse. He is oblivious to your pain and suffering. Your silence is your approval. He will put on an act of being a loving-father, your best-friend, and a good-provider. Something more ominous lies beneath the facade. You see what you want to see, to avoid dealing with the ugly-truth.
Divorce is the last resort, not always the first or only solution. I do recommend that you both go get a full battery of tests together for STDs. If he refuses, go anyway! Cheating-husbands can infect you! You won't know with what; until you show symptoms, or develop incurable medical-complications. Not all STDs show symptoms, or may be dormant for years. They can render you sterile!
You are perhaps the non-confrontational/passive type of person. Gentle and sweet, I presume. You seem more concerned about maintaining your comfortable lifestyle; and you want the best for your children. That mindset is what empowers and enables your husband. He suffers no consequences and feels he has nothing to lose. In essence, he provides you with comfort and financial-security in exchange for having women on the side. He will also use his domineering-attitude and blatant-arrogance to intimidate and manipulate you. There is no threat or deterrence to his philandering-ways; and he has no shame, or culpability for his unconscionable-behavior. Some guys disguise it as masculinity.
You can't continue to love him if he keeps it up. The resentment will build and manifest itself; whether you try to suppress it or not. That anger has to vent itself; or it will turn into extreme-behavior, or rage. You don't want to catch yourself taking out your frustrations on the children. It wouldn't be intentional; nor would there be any excuse for it! You might feel you wouldn't do anything to hurt your children; but suppressed or bottled-up anger explodes, once you reach the boiling-point. There is a last-straw and threshold to every temper. Screaming, crying, and naughty-kids can knock the lid off of your composure! I want you to keep this in-mind! I'm quite serious!
You shouldn't presume what you will or will not lose in a divorce. That is decided by a judge during the divorce-proceedings. At this stage, you should consult a divorce attorney; and learn what your rights are. Most consultations are at no cost. If you have a friend who's a lawyer, that's convenient! Certainly not one of his friends; or he would be alerted of your intentions. It might save you retainer-fees, if legal-separation or divorce isn't your immediate recourse at the moment. You need to educate yourself, and prepare for the inevitable-outcome. You're not a child. If he finds another woman, he may leave you anyway! You had better face that reality!
I will assume you have never been to marriage-counseling. If you have, let this be the last-time. You're indecisive and intimidated by the probabilities and inevitabilities of a divorce; so you should at least open a dialog with your spouse, and give yourself an opportunity to express your truths. He has to be confronted, and he needs to know there is a final-ultimatum. You can't live in a marriage burying your head in-denial. The toxicity of knowing what he is doing is enough to drive you to despair and depression. You have to consider your physical and mental-health; your little-ones need you. Women in your situation often self-medicate. Some turn to drinking; and/or abuse of prescription or illegal-drugs. You can only tolerate this but for so long. You're human.
Your financial-security is threatened every-time he sleeps with another woman. Either she will convince him she is better for him than you; or he could decide he's ready for your replacement. She could be an opportunist or scornful; and decide to file sexual-harassment or rape charges out of nowhere. In any case, you can't bury you head in the sand, and wait for it to happen. You use preemptive-measures!!! You protect what is yours! You make a final-attempt at saving your marriage.
Marriage-counseling doesn't necessarily change his ways. Even the threat of losing half of what he has may not even phase him. Sometimes he has to face the facts; and it may come as a surprise to him that you have gained the courage to confront him about it. Nagging, crying, and passive-aggressive behavior is ineffective and cowardly. You have to come-out of that shell of denial you're hiding in; and there has to be a moment of truth. Nobody should be dogged like they don't mean anything; and no man should treat his wife in such a way. While you pretend like you can just ignore it.
Insist on the counseling, it's more for your own benefit. You need to open-up and express yourself! You need to grow a backbone! Most of all, you need to realize you can maintain your financial-security, preserve your dignity, and possibly work-out an amicable-divorce. People can be civil to each other and co-parent their children post-divorce. If he happens to fall in-love with another woman; you will be dealing with a whole different scenario; and he could become totally unreasonable or uncooperative. He might fight you tooth and nail, challenge you for every penny and screw, and disrupt your tidy little love-nest. He will want his freedom; at the least legal-expense, and at a minimal-loss! He may not be happy with looking over his shoulder; and wondering when you'll finally have enough of his infidelity and philandering. Sooner or later, my good-lady. You are going to just lose-it; and all hell will break-loose!
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