A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:A hypothetical question:Would you rather date someone who you really liked but they weren't so into you?Or someone who you weren't really into but they really liked you?This is a real life situation I'm in right now, so thanks so much for the input! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Odds  +, writes (22 May 2011):
 @ Anon - I said, twice, that ideally both people love each other roughly the same amount. When did I ever say that ideally (take note of that word) the focus should be on the man? The question was specifically about a situation where one side loves the other way more.I still hold that women are generally repulsed by any guy who loves them significantly (take note of that descriptor again) more than the woman loves the man. However, the aloof thing for guys, while true, does not necessitate loving the girl significantly (adverb again) less than she loves him. Nor does the imbalance of love imply making the relationship all about the guy.After all, which type of guys seem to be more successful with women - the me-first bad boy types, or the others-first nice guys? Yet the girls madly in love with jerks who could care less seem to make the focus mostly stay on the drama, not the actual guy.Women are the intitiators of more breakups for a variety of reasons, some of which I'm still trying to figure out, or I'd make some clear statement on it (initiating does not equate to responsibility, either; I'm also still trying to figure that one out - after all, if a girl dumps a guy who was a loser, I wouldn't consider it her responsibility unless her standards were too high). I can say with certainty that women do not put the needs of others first any more than men do, though they certainly like to think they do. Naked self-interest knows no gender.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys! The answers were all totally different but I think what matters is that you guys pulled your answers from your gut, so I feel like that's what I should do too and follow my gut reaction too. Thanks again!
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (20 May 2011):
I'd rather be into someone too much than the other way around, because I'm in charge of my emotions. I'm very good at getting over my crushes, so when I realize he's not into me, I can move on and that's that.
When someone is into me that I'm not into, I have to break it to him that I don't like him 'in-that-way' and I always hate that situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): I would rather be the person that isn't so much into the guy ONLY because, I have good morals and values and I don't feel as though I have to be "in love" or so emotionally attached to the individual in order to have a successful and healthy relationship. It's better that he be more into me, than I am into him. Some people need to be "in love" they need to be crazy about the person they are with otherwise, they will cheat...why? Because, without having a deep sense of connection with that person, they usually don't care, they take the other person for granted, thus cheating occurs--they don't have any sense of morals and values. But someone who does have morals and care about the feelings of others, yet they seem to loose all control and start being "too nice" when they are in love, it's best they don't have such deep emotions as it is not really needed. I have a best friend, while she loves her boyfriend, she isnt all crazy in love and emotionally attached to him to the point that she can't let go. She doesn't cheat on him, doesn't have the desire to and says she is happy---he on the other hand, is crazy about her and rightfully so because, his dating and relationship history has shown that when he isn't crazy in love about the woman, he cheated and took the relationship for granted, so it's best for him to be with a woman like my friend, who isn't so much into him as he is with her. So it just really depends on the person. It's not a good thing for everyone to be so deeply and crazy in love or emotionally attached to a person---it really depends.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 May 2011):
 I've been in both situations and since the first can be really painful, I'd say the second, at least you get your ego stroked a bit.
But, since neither is a good situation, if this is a choice that you have to make between guy A and guy B, I'd say pick none and wait for guy C.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): I’m the anonymous female who said relationships usually work best when the man pursues the woman. Let me explain that a little better (I hope).
Both genders have admirable qualities that compliment each other and one is not better than the other.
There are exceptions of course, but as a group women tend to put the wants and needs of others ahead of their own. And as a group, men tend to put themselves first. During the courting phase when things are working as nature intended, women are more detached and selective which balances out their tendency to put others first. Men are more likely to work a little harder for a woman they really want to impress, thus balancing out their tendency to put themselves first.
Odds would have us believe that relationships work best when men and women both put men first. That might be nice for men in the short term, but it isn’t so nice for women who, after years of frustration, end up leaving men. If these women are indeed happier as Odds’ suggests why are they responsible for 65-70% of the break ups?
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male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (20 May 2011):
I've read that relationships in which the woman initially pursues the man are not as strong as the other way around. Men traditionally are the aggressor, the chaser. A woman may very well convince a lonely man to be with her, but that man may constantly think of other women or look for other opportunities.
Neither situation feels particularly comfortable to most people, but I would much rather be in a relationship where I successfully pursued a woman than the opposite.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): Neither for me also and if forced to choose I would choose the latter as well.
In fact women are NOT happier when they have to work for the attention of aloof men who occasionally shower them them with affection. The opposite may SEEM to be the case to such a man simply because he is either too detached to care or too focused on self to notice.
Generally speaking relationships work best when the man pursues a great woman and she is the one slightly detached. Since women tend to put the wants and needs of others ahead of their own anyway being involved with a detached man, great or otherwise, simply leaves them more vulnerable.
The commentary may differ, but it's a pretty safe bet that anyone answering your question would say neither, but if forced to choose would opt for the latter.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (20 May 2011):
Neither situation is ideal, obviously, but if I had to choose?
I'd pick the latter option. As a guy, staying a bit aloof is important for relationships anyway - women seem to be happier when they're working for the attention of a great guy, who occasionally showers her with affection in return, rather than a guy who is constantly into them. It'd be easier to maintain the aloof attitude, and with it the relationship, if she was more into me than the other way around.
On the other hand, I think women are completely repulsed by men who like them noticeably more than the girl herself likes him back. So I think most chicks would be better off with the first choice than the second.
Again, neither situation is ideal. It's possible to adjust a current relationship, or to find a better match.
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male
reader, sirch  +, writes (20 May 2011):
If you date someone who you really like but they don't like you as much you might get hurt because they might find someone else who they prefer to you.Then again, if you date someone who you don't really like just because you think that they won't hurt you then you'll probably end up hurting them instead without even realising it.Its a balance between the risk of getting hurt and how good the other person makes you feel.The vast, vast majority of relationships in your age range don't end up lasting forever, so I'd say that maybe you should decide based on who you think you can have more fun with in the short term.A general rule of thumb that I go by is to only date someone that I really like, because otherwise I’m only cheating myself and it isn't fair on the other person who might be expecting more from me then what I want to give.I hope this helps :)
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