A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm feeling really lost right now and It's starting to get me down. I'm 25 and recently finished my time serving active duty in the military. I was really excited about getting out and moving back to my hometown, but I'm finding the transition back to civilian life to be a lot harder than I thought it would be and quite honestly a little disappointing. Between deployments and overseas assignments I've really come to value family and friends. While I may not be physically so far away from them anymore, I don't feel any closer to them than when I was on the other side of the globe. I feel that everyone has moved on with their lives and I'm exactly where I was before I joined up. My friends have all finished school, have full time jobs, gotten married and have places of their own. As hard as I try I find it hard to relate to them anymore.If I had to pick one thing that was really bothering me the most it would be that I'm the last single guy left among my group of friends. They've all married and are looking at starting families of their own. I've never even had a girlfriend let alone dated before. I feel like I've failed at this part of my life. I should have had at least some basic experience with this by now, but I just can't seem to make it happen. I'm really happy that my friends have found that special someone, but it really hurts to constantly be reminded of what I can't have. On top of that they seem to be more interested in doing things with other couples than with the single friend.I don't know what to do. All I know is that I feel horrible and lost right now. Any advice?
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (21 May 2011):
It's never too late to do anything. People much older than you, are still searching for their life partner (some never married, others made mistakes and are divorced)...people change careers at mid-life - which you are not even close to yet - and start over. Many people in my family have done or are doing both the above. One of my family members had a boring 9-5 dead-end desk job up until she was 45, then she shook things up, changed careers and has been traveling the world having adventures ever since.
I think it might help you to leave your old group of friends behind - not literally, but as in, don't make them your primary social circle anymore. You've outgrown them. Find a new group of friends, people whom you can identify more with. People your age who are also single, or maybe ex-military people who like you are re-adjusting to civilian life. Get out there and meet people and make new friends - going back to school is a great way to do this. Volunteer for charities or causes that you are passionate about, join sports clubs, etc. those are ways to meet like-minded people. If you can widen your scope of friends and acquaintances, you'll find there are lots of people your age and older who are also single and figuring out what to do with their lives. (in my opinion such people are way more interesting than those who settled into traditional domestic life at an early age.
Don't look at your old group of friends and where they are at now as the gold standard. Just cos they are married and starting families, doesn't mean their life is enviable. Maybe in 10 years' time they will be divorced and or struggling to keep their marriages together. Just concentrate on what you want to do with your life, and try not to think about what they are doing with theirs.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBernard, I'm not saying that this really has anything to do with my time serving. I've known plenty of people who've had relationships while still in the military. My lack of success with girls has been something that has been bothering me for quite some time all the way back to my pre-service time when I was still back home. Add this on top of transitioning out of military life and I'm feeling really out of place right now. I'm really questioning what I've accomplished up until now and where I'm going in the future. Home isn't home any more, everyone I know has moved on with their lives, and I'm looking at going to school that most people would have already finished by my age. Will I even fit in there? Or am I just chasing opportunities and experiences that I've already missed out on? I'm not saying that I won't be able to go back to school and finish my degree at an older age, I'm saying it probably won't be the same as a traditional students experience of college.Thanks for the post, but I'm not really sure taking it slow is the best advice. I'd say zero experience in 25 years is taking it pretty slow and I can't say that it's worked out very well so far. It's just something I can't seem to figure out. I'm even told that I'm a good looking guy and I get along easily with most anyone, so I at least know that that isn't my problem. Like I said, It seems to come so naturally to everyone else. I'm tired of my loosing track record and want to know how to turn it around.
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A
female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (20 May 2011):
 I feel for you.This happened to me before when I was finishing my bachelors at a later time than expected. When my peers were already earning after college, I was still struggling to earn my degree. They were already in a relationship and planning to get married, I had no one! It is indeed frustrating sometimes to be with them and realize you don't share the same interests like before. Well, I don't know relationships, don't know sex, don't know being in a job. I just know school! At some point I would get depressed and feel hopeless, I thought my life has no direction.Anyhow time passed and I eventually got my degree. Then I worked overseas, then I am earning more than anyone else. A lot of things changed, many of them got separated from their husbands and are single again. However, as for me...I am happily in a relationship right now.My advice is, don't take these changes very seriously... nothing in the world is constant but change. Instead, face it. So what if you're still single, you can have a relationship later anyway. Don't be too in a hurry to find a girlfriend, instead just enjoy your singlehood, meet new friends. When you start to relax and just let things go, that's when you meet someone who is for you. When you are relaxed, that's when you are confident and will attract people. Who wants to be with a desperate person?As for now, just proceed to your plans for your bachelors and believe me, the university is one of the best places to find your future love.Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the perspective chocoholicforever. I guess I have been comparing two very different life paths by the same standards. Having been all over the world I really have had a ton of experiences that most people never have. I do think that my time in the military has changed me for the better. Still, if anything, I feel disappointed in myself in one aspect of my life. I'm half way through my 20's and I've never had anything more than a friendly hug with a girl. Most people gain experience with relationships at a much younger age. I feel I've missed some important point in life when it comes to this. Let's be honest here. Most people see it as a red flag when you have no experience at my age. My lack success with girls has really taken a bite out of my self confidence over the years. Sure, 25 is still young. I thought that back when I was 18 and all my friends but me were dating, but now it's seven years later and nothing has changed. They've all moved on to the next stage of their relationships and I'm still starting from zero. I can't seem to get this part of my life figured out. It seems to come naturally to everyone else. I can only be myself, but myself doesn't seem to be working out too well. I'm confident in other aspects of my life but I could use a little boost when it comes to this, but how?
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (20 May 2011):
some times it can help to change your perspective...try to stop comparing yourself to this particular group of friends. their way is not the only way. the yardstick by which you measure yourself a "failure" is arbitrary. for example, if we set the yardstick by which to measure "success" or "failure" in life, how about by how diverse of life experiences you've had, how many situations you've encountered where you were challenged and experienced personal growth, or by how much meaningful and difficult work you have done that has helped and served other people? By this measure, I'd bet you come out way ahead of all of your friends.
So, the criteria that you pick and choose against which to measure yourself as being a success or failure, is something that you can choose. You have chosen to use your old group of friends and their life choices, as the yardstick to measure yourself. But their lives have been different from yours. And, they are similar to one another. Doesn't mean they are "better" or more successful, just different.
There are many many people who are in their 30s, 40s, and beyond who are single either by choice or are in transition. just because this particular group of friends of yours have all moved in one direction like a school of fish, it doesn't mean that the whole world is like them or that their life styles and time lines are the only "right" ones.
while you are envying them for being married and having their own homes and families, maybe they are envying you for having had the life experiences you have had (serving in the military overseas) which they haven't. Maybe some of your friends envy that you have had adventures overseas, have made new friends, have had the honor of serving your country and still have the freedom to date and enjoy single life for longer, while they are now stuck because they've already tied themselves down (maybe some of them already are regretting it or soon will be if they had rushed into it).
while many people unquestioningly follow the same "life script" of dating, getting married, settling down, having a family...it's not necessarily the right choice for everyone, or the right time even if it is the right choice. Maybe some of your friends are just like actors mindlessly playing out a role and following a script, and they actually envy you for living the life you have, and being where you are right now.
And besides, 25 is still very young, you have many years ahead of you to date and find someone and get married and start a family, IF that is what you truly want to do (and not just because all your friends are doing it).
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI earned my associates degree before I joined and was a cop while in the Air Force. I'll be going back to school in this fall to work on a bachelors degree.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): I don't know the intensity of war you experienced overseas so this may not be applicable. But PTSD doesn't always come as the result of direct combat experience. It can be the result of prolonged adversity as well as the effect of this adversity on your reintegration back into your former life.
There has to be resentment watching people that gave so little reap rewards that you paid the price for.
But give it time. People with uninterrupted lives have phases they go through. People move on. People change friends and circumstance. It has little to do with military duty.
Keep forging ahead my friend. Daylight is coming soon.
BBQ
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 May 2011):
 Thank you for your service. Sorry to hear you are feeling like this.
What did you come back to, in terms of career or school?
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