A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am the youngest of four. I have two older sisters and a brother. My dad passed away in 2008 and my mom in 2013. When my dad passed away my brother called me two days later blaming me for his death. He died of a bad liver due to drinking. My brother blamed his drinking on my divorce in 1999. I had been married ten years and had two kids under five. He went on to say that our mom worries about me and do not tell her things because it will upset her. He on the other hand at the time was on his fourth marriage and would tell her everything about his life finances, health issues etc. My brother also sent me a book about not complaining and start living your life. I have had hard times and have been depressed at times,but have always made it through. I have always worked hard and never asked for a handout. My oldest just graduated from college and is teaching overseas in the fall. My youngest graduated from high school with honors and moving out east for school. My dad in reality started drinking before I left and got married. By the time I got married at 25 and moved out he was drinking by 9 am in the morning. NY dad drank because he was depressed and bored. He retired young and was not prepared. His relationship with my mom was very strained she was a strong woman. She loved us but, was hard on all of us especially my dad. My dad would never hit her or cheat. He drank to deal with things and my divorce had nothing to do with it. I am not really too friendly or talk to my brother when we see each other. He is hosting a family reunion at his home in a week. It is not like I have not seen most of my family. Over the last few years have been weddings,showers etc. Probably seen most of them except my brother. I really don't want to go. My daughters are not able to go. Just don't feel like going and dealing with someone who has treated me so badly and is such a hypocrite. What would you do?
View related questions:
depressed, divorce, moved out, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 June 2016):
 Look, you know that your fathers addiction wasn't your fault. It isn't really anyone's fault in this case, but his own. If someone were to blame, then probably someone in your fathers childhood, but not you or your brother.
So your brother had an outburst in the middle of grief. Take it as a sign he was hurt and didn't know what to do or how to accept his fathers death. So he took it out on you. You know it wasn't right, and everyone else knows this too. I think it is time to forgive.
At least, it is time for you to not let it interfere with your life any longer. Go to the reunion. You don't have to speak to your brother. But if it wasn't for him, would you have gone? If so, I think you should.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 June 2016):
 That's so tough - family, and when parents die, so much of that pain and past resentment just turn to stone. I don't know how close your brother was to his father, but two days after his father died, your brother basically took out his own pain and grief on you, which was absolutely the wrong thing to do. There's also that older brother/younger brother thing going on, which I see in my own family (between my brothers) and my husband and his brother (that's another storied and tumultuous explosion of emotions at times). There's so much going on.
I guess what drives my advice is where it's being held, which is at your brother's house, as he is hosting it. Also, whether or not your wishes in the long term of patching up your relationship, and it's okay not to if you don't want to!
You mention being in contact with your other family members, so that means you have relationships with your older sisters, right?? Those relationships do not have to depend on your brother hosting any sort of party or family reunion.
Your brother did more than just blame you for your dad's alcoholism. He also played against you with your mom while she was alive, telling her all these things about his broken life, yet controlling YOUR relationship with her. When she was still alive was when you should have gone to lunches and had times with your mom alone without your brother around. He played her against you and vice versa, acting like a martyr because he was insecure of his place in their life and heart. I'm guessing his dad and mom liked you better and he probably thought you didn't deserve it.
As it stands, I wouldn't go to that reunion. Your relationships with the rest of your family shouldn't go through your brother. You're both adults, and that doesn't make your older brother some patriarch who runs the family "name". YOU and your own family are your own, meaning YOU are the patriarch and have raised your kids into love instead of dysfunction.
I would get in touch with your sisters and explain that in order to preserve unity, you shouldn't go. I'm sure they're well aware of the friction between you and your brother.
Also, the other issue is whether or not you're interested in dealing with your brother and clearing the air or burying the hatchet, a family reunion is NOT the place. Talking one on one is the key there, and if you two can't be in the same room together without being at each other's throats, maybe having a therapist or counselor be a neutral "referee" may mean the difference between a communication breakthrough and just another explosion marked with more years of silence. Up to you. You do not HAVE to have a relationship with your brother.
...............................
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (28 June 2016):
I probably wouldn't go except that this is a special event, a family reunion. If you like your other relatives it would be a shame not to take advantage of the situation. I have very little family left and would sacrifice greatly to have a reunion with any of them whether they be those alive or who have passed on. Good family relationships are to be highly valued.
Go early and leave early, before your brother gets drunk and confrontational. If you aren't there, your brother will likely spend much time bad-mouthing you, and some will take your absence as a sign you don't care about them or your other family members.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (27 June 2016):
 My ex husband was an alcoholic. Unless there is a gun being pointed at their head, no one makes an alcoholic drink except themself. Its an illness and they have to be able to stop themself. They will use excuses but the truth is that they drink because they want to or feel they need to, not because of life. Your brother is ill informed and sounds like he likes to blame others.
Family is family and sometimes its hard to like/love people that you are supposed to be able to count on. I don't blame you for not wanting to go to the family reunion because it could get pretty uncomfortable with your brother around..BUT..if you want to see other family members then by all means go. You don't have to stay at your brother's home even if invited (I certainly wouldn't) and if he starts to get snarky with you, you can always give a quiet answer and walk away. Do not let him pass his angry bitter feelings on you..your dad chose to drank..no one forced him to.
Sometimes its better to just walk away rather to say words that you can't take back. Its the way I've gotten through many difficult times with my family. Once words have been said, its too late..but if they are never uttered...what harm has been done?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2016): Sounds like there's lots of family drama in your family, sorry for all your losses. I think I would go to the reunion and I would be very prepared for dealing with the brothers take on thing. I would get my butt down to a Al-Anon meeting ASAP, I would read up on passive aggressive crap. I would probably send him a bunch of books dealing with of dad's alcoholism, his passive aggressive stance towards you and just make sure that you feel you have covered your bases. Family dynamics are tricky to begin with, and witha couple of deaths of parents, all kinds of weird crap gets out there. That doesn't mean that you should take it, and it doesn't mean that you need to avoid him. If you're the baby of the family and have been a scapegoat, and you has only just started to realize that, it might help you to go to more than one Al-Anon meeting. I would probably go to the reunion just to make sure the family knew that I was there . If you and your other siblings are not close, and you don't care if your children and their children have any kind of relationship going forward then ignore it.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (27 June 2016):
 I wouldn't blame you for not attending under these circumstances. It is completely unreasonable, unecessary, and completely uncalled for for your brother to have blamed you for your father's alcoholism. There may be triggers and outside factors that play a role in contributing to alcoholism. However, it was ultimately 100% your father's own responsibility to look after his sobriety and health. He had a disease, and it was no one's fault. And certainly no one can be blamed for his problem.
With that being said, I wouldn't blame you for not going to this reunion. I'm not sure I'd want to go, either. People may say that it's important to try to mend the relationship. And maybe it is important. But it's also important that you not be treated that way and be made to feel responsible and guilty for something that was never your fault.
Ultimately, if I were you, I might consider not going. No one's forcing you. Just politely decline and say you have prior obligations. Best of luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 June 2016):
 I agree with Brown Wolf.
You didn't "make" your dad an alcoholic. That WAS partly HIS own choice, now he may not have thought the drinking was as bad as it got, still NOT your doing. DO not accept the blame for that.
And yes, I would also suspect your brother likes to find reasons for everything, like your dad's alcoholism, because it leaves himself in the clear - most people know that alcoholism often run in the family, by blaming you... he doesn't have to look at himself and accept that alcoholism is part of the family's genetic make up.
I would go regardless of your brother's issue (because they ARE his issues) if he starts to drag it up either change the subject or walk away and talk to other people. I would just make sure I stayed elsewhere than his house, so if he gets too "holier than thou" you can leave.
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (27 June 2016):
 Yes...I would go.
Your bother is a hypocrite, and a fool. He has no right complaining about anyone, unless, his life is perfect, and he has done everything right. Even if he has...putting you down and blaming you for someone else mistakes...is wrong.
NO ONE can make someone else become an alcoholic unless they do it to themselves. You did not stand there and force your dad to drink himself to death. We all have choices. Some make good ones, others bad ones. Guess which one your bother picked?
He was your dad no matter what.
You however...Hold your head high, and your spirit even higher. NEVER let people like your brother bring you down...allowing that to happen is your choice.
He wants to blame someone for his downfall in life, and are an easy target. Want to get even with him :)) Be happy...in fact, it is the best weapon against angry people.
"If you cannot get rid of your anger, you have no hope of forgiveness—you are only a human being. It will make you old before your time. Jealousy and anger will shorten your life."
"Stupid people express their anger openly, but sensible people are patient and hold it back."
No matter what he says to you, never answer back with anger or put him down for his foolishness. You have enough issues of your own, you do not need to take on his too.
"A gentle answer quiets anger, but a harsh one stirs it up."
...............................
|
