A
female
age
36-40,
*uman-mishra
writes:my boyfriend never goes down on me.one day i asked why don’t you do it, he said he is not comfortable..so he don’t to do it. BUT i love doing it.. i more than comfortable doing it . one time he asked me.. i thought he will reciprocate so i did it.. but he didn’t do anything.. he did other stuff to please me. after that when next time he asked i lied to him and i said i am not comfortable.. he said fine you should not do it.. you should never do anything in which you feel uncomfortable. like i said i love doing it.. it boost my confidence when i do it.. so one time asked him that i want to do it.. he said don’t do it..but i kept on insisting so he allowed me . after that i asked him did you like it.. he said yes i did like it. It made me so angry.. how can he like it.. he is aware that he is not going to reciprocate than why didn’t he push me when i was doing that. he don’t want to do that to me but he enjoy it when i do something. I fought with him.. then he told me okay fine from now on i will not let you do anything because i know you going to blame me for this later on…. after than whenever i try to give him he tells me please don’t do it.. but last night i was in good mood.. so i literally bagged for it.. after that he allowed me. but now i am angry.. i think in relationship every thing should be equal.Apart from this issue he is very sweet. on every weekend he cooks for me. he take care of me like a baby whenever i get sick, he helps me in my assignments.he always motivates me for my life goals.
View related questions:
confidence Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 June 2016):
 I had thought something along the lines of what Ivyblue says... different women taste and smell differently , and a man can like some and dislike some others... but it's a difficult thing to come up and say it openly, because the woman tends to get offended and to take it very personally. Then again, no, I don't think that is the reason, before, if I got it right, he never did it, even once, so how would he know how the OP tastes and smells during oral sex ?
Anyway : I don't believe either that sex is about tit for tat- but, also, in your case, you don't have remotely a point, which you could have if you hated giving BJs and you did it anyway just to please him. In this case you could reason like this : hey, I hate giving you BJS but I do it anyway just to please you, - so you hate cunnilingus but you have to do it anyway just to please me.
But you said yourself that you LOVE giving Bjs and it totally turns you on ! While, he can take them or leave them. So, you are doing this for yourself and YOUR pleasure !, not for him- what leverage could you ever have in these conditions ?
( Personally, I also would feel bad knowing that I am forcing my partner to do something that he hates doing. I could not get aroused, let alone climax , knowing that. But that's just me. )
Anyway - if receiving oral sex is vital for your sex life, alas, this is not the right partner for you, you 'd better leave him and look for someone who is more aligned with your sexual preferences.
If instead receiving oral sex is something that somehow you can learn to live without- then not a problem. You can either keep giving him oral sex, out of your own personal enjoyment / the generosity of your heart- or stop giving him oral sex- he 's fine either way and he won't miss it.
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (30 June 2016):
 Ok, lets think about this from another perspective. Could his reluctance/lame excuses be code for "Um..you kinda smell/taste bad and I don't know how else to say it". Might explain why he has had no problem with the ex. Just a thought. Other than that, he's just not into it.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 June 2016):
 OP you have a lot of growing up to do, stop making excuses for your behavior, you are the one in the wrong here not him, if he does not want to do it then he should not have to, the thing is if you loved him you would not want him to do something that he does not want to do, you are being very selfish and very immature. If you are not happy then end things.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (29 June 2016):
 Just because you've done something before doesn't mean you have to do it again. Some people try anal with one partner, but don't want to try it in their next relationship, for example.
If you can't accept that he just doesn't want to do it, which is fine, you *need* to break up with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (29 June 2016):
Stop pressuring him to do something he doesn't want to do - the "real" reason doesn't matter; he's not comfortable with it and you're bugging him about it. You want it, he doesn't - if you can't drop it, leave him. If you were with a guy pressuring you to do something you didn't want, you wouldn't be happy and we'd be telling you to leave him.
If your boyfriend was here saying he's uncomfortable giving oral and you keep pressuring him and questioning him about it, I'd suggest he leaves you because you're not being a good person by keep talking about it until he gives in; you're not going to be happy with anything else.
Give up on him giving you oral (and stop asking for a reason) or break up.
...............................
A
female
reader, suman-mishra +, writes (29 June 2016):
suman-mishra is verified as being by the original poster of the questionif he does not like doing it. then why he manipulated me when i was on my periods that please do it. i want to do but you are on your periods..yes after that i had a huge fight with her... and one thing i am sure about is that.. he used to do these stuff with her first love.. he never gave any excuses to her. why he is doing this to me. .. if i try to talk to him about this.. he gets defensive and then he says okay fine don't do it from now on.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 June 2016):
 OP what difference will "The real reason" make.
He does not want to. YOU WANT it. HE does not.
this is a basic conflict.
what if his reason is truly "i do not like to do it"
does that matter?
...............................
A
female
reader, suman-mishra +, writes (29 June 2016):
suman-mishra is verified as being by the original poster of the questionproblem is.. i try to have a conversation about it. all the time he give me lame excuses. first he said he doesn't want to do because he thinks he WILL catch STD's if i have any. than he said he will do it but he is not comfortable. i am so frustrated i want to know the real reason... i don't know how to communicate with him.. when ever i try to communicate he gets defensive.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (28 June 2016):
No, he's not being selfish. He doesn't like it and all thats bad about that is it's a bummer for you. Personally, I think selfishness is getting off when you know your partners is feeling nothing but obligated and uncomfortable. Sorry
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2016): If he doesn't want to give you oral sex you need to accept that. Maybe you are willing to give him oral, but that doesn't mean that he is comfortable with it. I think if this may be a case that two people are not sexually compatible. He does sound like he manipulated you into giving him oral, and then when you asked for oral in return he wasn't willing. If that's the kind of gameplaying that he is practicing, you need to decide if he is the best boyfriend for you.u
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 June 2016):
 SVC said it, sex is not tit for tat.
IF you do A he must do B - that's not how it works. Sex is a weird and wonderful thing to share and in so many ways you can compare it to food. There are thing you LOVE to do (strawberries with honey) and there are things you really don't like to do (hard-fried kidneys).
You shouldn't expect your BF to eat the kidney if he really don't like it, but it doesn't stop you from having strawberries and honey.
If you REALLY like giving head, go for it. NEVER feel obligated because you know he likes it.
Let's say he wants to try anal and you don't want anything up your rear end. Then it's OK for you to say nope, not having that. Just like he is saying, not a fan of licking a girl's privates. (now it can be, that he is just really inexperienced in it, have never tried it, bad at it or don't like the taste but none of these reasons means that if YOU give him oral HE must return the favor.)
TALK to your BF and together FIND other ways than oral for him to please you, so the sex isn't one-sided.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 June 2016):
sorry but sex is not tit for tat
it's not a I do this you do that thing
my hubby won't do oral.
I love giving bjs so I give them to him. I don't expect oral in return.
ONE caveat... i'm 56 and past menopause so my drive is much lower than it was when i was younger.if I was 26-36, it would be a deal beaker.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 June 2016):
Not everyone is comfortable giving oral. Being equal in a relationship doesn't mean down to every little detail. If he does other things to please you, that *is* equal. It's not fair to stop *just* because he doesn't feel comfortable giving oral. He's right; you shouldn't do something if you're uncomfortable with it.
Either be okay that this is something he can't give and don't ask him for it any more or break up with him and find someone who is comfortable giving oral.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2016): I agree with llifton, youre manipulating him. If he doesnt want to do it, he doesnt want to do it. And if you dont want to do it, you dont have to do it. Set your boundaries, stop trying to get something out of it. If he doesnt please you, leave him. A few exes would never go down on me and I never saw them again. That was that, I never asked for it because during sex, men know exactly what they want to do with a girl. If he likes oral he will perform it eagerly without asking. If a guy doesnt like giving oral, he wont even try and you can easily tell just by his action. Im out the door for good unless everything else is ABSOLUTELY amazingKnow who you are , set your boundaries. I love giving oral and would never give oral to get oral back, I do it because it gives me that confidence and joy. Again, KNOW who you are and stick with it
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (27 June 2016):
 Honestly, it sounds like you're messing with this guy's head a bit and being a bit manipulative. You know that he's not going to reciprocate and he's made that very clear. Whether it be because he's uncomfortable or whatever other reason it may be. So you have to decide what that means to you. Either 1.) you still enjoy going down on him and you don't care that he won't reciprocate and you do it simply because you enjoy doing it, or 2.) You stop going down on him all together to keep things fair. But to keep going down on him and then get mad at him for his not reciprocating is unreasonable and a bit irrational. You KNOW he's not going to do it.
So do it because you enjoy it or stop doing it altogether. Those are my only suggestions.
...............................
|
