A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Since they say personality is what you look for in someone first and foremost, it puts me in quite a dilemma. I have a personality disorder, well... actually I have two, Borderline and narcissitic personality disorder (yes I've been diagnosed). If you met someone and you were attracted to them, but they had this secret and told you, would you run a mile?I understand it's probably not a good idea to bring it up on a first date, but should I be better off not saying anything ever? Honest answers please. I don't care if you hurt my feelings, half the time I don't have any so say what you reckon. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, fallingrace67  +, writes (2 November 2009):
Deffinately not on the first date, but if you are planning on staying with this person for awhile they have the right to know. BUT If you are just planning on having fun with the person than there's no reason to say anything. oh and btw if you're narcissitic i think your date might already know ;)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): Narcissistic personality disorder has a very bad stigma. It's probably the second most feared PD after sociopathic personality, and many are often mid-diagnosed as sociopaths or vice-versa.
Malignant Narcissists are usually avoided like the plague. I never even considered myself to be arrogant, never-mind be diagnosed with pathological narcissism.
For that very reason, I may have to consider not telling anyone, because it's one thing telling someone you have BPD, tell someone you have NPD is quite something else.
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A
female
reader, BELLINA +, writes (20 September 2009):
The severity of your condition will depend on how interpersonal relationships are affected. I would suggest you learn to understand these aspects of your personality so that you can understand, explain and control them where necessary. I'm sure you'll be great and an interesting partner for someone who loves you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): I came across your question and would like to add my opinion.
I also have two personality disorders, borderline and anxious/avoidant. They pretty much ruined all of my teenage years. I tried an anti-depressant, but it didn't really help. I now take an anti-psychotic, which has helped me immensely. I have better control of the brief periods I have where I tend to lose touch with reality. I am also much more calmer.
I guess I can only relate to the bordeline disorder, since that is the one we both share. When I was diagnosed, it felt like a death sentence. It wasn't the anxious one so much, it was the borderline one which got to me. My family were relieved to discover why I had such passionate outbursts of emotion though.
I used to hate it so much, I felt like I was flawed as a person. I mean, a personality disorder...your personality is who you are. It is you. So to be told that mine was "disordered", it made me feel like I was just wrong somehow.
I used to be really self-conscious of it. Whenever meeting anyone new, one of the first things I would do was warn them that I have personality disorders. I felt like I ought to warn them! But that is just making an issue of it. Why should it be such a big thing about you?
I am now more accepting of who and what I am. I have my symptoms under better control, and I now don't declare it to people I meet. And nobody even notices. If I was to tell some of my friends now, they would probably be very surprised.
I think what I'm trying to say that these personality disorders are not the whole of who you are. It is just something you may struggle with. But it doesn't mean that you can't have normal relationships. If you start to get to know someone, then my advice would be to wait until you had really got to know them well, and then tell them. By this point, if they like you they won't care about your personality disorders. If they make a big fuss about it, then that is their issue.
I wouldn't run a mile if someone told me they had a personality disorder. I understand what it's like. I would find it a bit intense if I was told on the first date, but otherwise, if I got to know someone and liked them, and they told me, I would be fine. I don't know if I would want to date someone who also had borderline PD though, simply because I don't know if it would be suitable. I would worry that we would trigger each other off. But if things seemed fine between us, then why not?
I hope something helps. This diagnosis is not who you are. You are not "disordered", which is how I used to feel. And there are people out there who will see who you are, and won't even notice the PD's. x
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A
female
reader, unorthodox.philosopher  +, writes (20 September 2009):
I wonder if you have been ever professionally diagnosed. Even if you have, it's a psychological disorder and that means you can make a difference for yourself. I have also learnt to be very sceptical towards psychological disorders. I remember I went through this phase in my life kept thinking myself having some kind of mood disorder and indeed I was very difficult to deal with. Even before we started going out, I confronted my partner about my mood disorder,and he was willing to accept me and support me to deal with my emotional turbulence. I was extremely uneasy with myself but I started taking anti-psychotic and anti-depressant and now i can say that I am basically in control of myself. I assumed this is a very usual case, but I strongly believe that you should confront with your partner no matter what. Even if you don't, she would soon realised there's something unusual about you and that makes it even worst. How scary would it be for someone to find out his/her partner has some creepy psychological disorder in disguise.(I'm not saying it is but it may appear so to most others) So i'd say be open to the lady within 4 months of your relationship, if both of you love each others enough, you will make it work.All the best
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): To be honest, I'm realistic about this. Women like a guy with a good personality first and foremost, so that rules me out of the equation. With men it's a little different, I think if a girls attractive a man will take a chance even if she has an abnormal personality.
Women like a guy who will treat them well, make them feel secure and loved and all that other emotional stuff. I sometimes feel I can do this but not always.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): Thanks for the replies. To be honest, I actually would prefer to date someone like myself, it would save me a lot of grief. The thing is, most with a PD aren't diagnosed and the ones that are probably won't say.
Another reason I asked was because I wanted to get an idea of how people would react. I don't want to waste money on a date if someone's going to ditch me over something like this, also I don't want the person to tell their friends or family.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (19 September 2009):
 Its very difficult to explain the dilemma here. But it takes a very special person to want to get involved with someone with any type of mental illness. I'm not saying this to be harsh. When I say get involved, I mean spend a lifetime with.
You may experience wonderful periods of normal behavior ranges and your girlfriend will be happy to see you enjoying your life. But if any of these issues turn south for any reason, then not only do you suffer, but your girlfriend will too.
That said, most illnesses can be treated with medication and with the exception of occasional lapses, or lapses in therapy if you do not have to control the symptoms, can lead to long-lasting relationships.
I think though you have to be very honest about this up front. Failing to be honest can affect the relationship down the road which would make it terribly painful for both of you.
We all empathize with your situation and want the best for you.
So I think you want to always consider her first and try and be honest and up front about this.
That's about the best advice anyone can give you at this point.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009): Interesting if you are narcassistic why would you want to endanger your attention supply by bring it up? Basically, I like that you asked. Yes, actually I think it is something you should bring up if you have had at least 3 dates with someone before it get too serious. Because later it will come out . SO if you are liking someone and can tell they are liking you than it should be brought out in the open. Will they end things? Don't know. Everyone is different. Some will and others won't I think. Although it isn't a personality disorder I have had to tell dates about a problem that occured in the past to a family member. It is surprising the people that run and those that stick when they hear something bad. But... if you don't say anything it will come out and they will either think you were in denial or that you delibrately hid the info.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009): I think you should ask your therapist these questions. Personally I would run a mile because I was in love wtih someone like that without knowing it, and it was one of the most emotionally painful experiences of my life. I have not been diagnosed with a personality disorder.
I think you might be better off with someone who has a personality disorder as well, similar to the one you have.
That said ask your professional therapist to get the best answer to your questions.
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