A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How's this working for him? Does this sound happy?My husband of l0 years lost his business and basically hit a mid life crisis. He decided to leave to sort out his anxiety over having lied about money issues. I doubt that now..but about a month after he left1. He began having severe panic attacks2. Put on 30 pounds in one month3. Started smoking again after l3 years.4. Is lying constantly.5. Has had to be put on medication for depression after 3 months gone.6. Has compounded his financial problems by even spending more on widly lavish things. (eg. 3 days to Gernada) of course, with a woman he met on line that he began cheating with. Note: He was a terrific husband up until his breakdown.Lastly, he has started drinking again and is often suicidal. He takes very strong medication for epilepsey and has been told drinking could really hurt him.This man threw me and his family away for this and days before I found out, he still told me he was coming home shortly and left many loves messages and e-mails. As well we were dating at least once a week, so we kept the marriage alive. I would not however sleep with him when we were separated, but we kissed and necked often. Why would anyone pay such a high price for this? He was very loved and respected until now. BTW we would have done anything to help him get over his depression, but we can't now, of course.10 minutes ago - 4 days left to answer.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (21 September 2009):
 After reading about the losses of his father and stepfather on top of what he's been suffering like the business failure(s), I can see what's happened a little bit clearer.
If he was predisposed to depression before, the losses of two, important father figures in his life, perhaps the ones that motivated him to be very good to you and his family; maybe this with other things was too much for him to bear.
Its a guess, but for a guy to hit rock bottom like that, it usually takes a confluence of events to break his spirit.
I sincerely hope that he does get better, at least for his family's sake. I don't know if you have given up on him or not, you said you have to wait until February for a divorce. Whatever happens between now and then, it may be that he might stop his downward spiral and wake up finally.
I wish you luck and hope for the best no matter what happens.
One can only empathize with your situation and truly feel this loss that you're going through.
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (20 September 2009):
 Well, then as long as you can walk away from the marriage knowing you did everything you could to help him and he ended up on this path, then I for one can not blame you. You can only do so much and if you have children, then I certainly understand.
sorry if you thought I was was being over bearing. It's just that on these forums so many people come here and seek advice and then leave major important things out of their posts that would have changed my advice. Most of the time it tends to be embarrassing issues like infidelity that are omitted. So thank you for filling in the blanks
Now in the meantime, if I may I think perhaps you should seek some help for yourself in the form of something like Al-Anon or some other Co-dependency group. This has obviously been very traumatic for you and something like that may be of more help to you than any individual therapist, for remember if you are paying for therapy,they generally are looking at dollar signs or trying to sell a book as opposed to looking out for your best intrests. A 12 step program for codependency has no such illusions
Best of Luck
GR
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did many times suggest counselling. He said he didn't want anyone in his business over and over again. Also, his MD who diagnosed his depression and put him on meds, which he wouldn't take until 3 months after he left and had begun panic attacks, weight gain etc. The doctor said with the meds his own, they have a huge history of causing depression; coupled with his business failure, and losing his father and stepfather and also the fact that he has a seizure disorder and had so many seizures that predisposes someone to depression. It hit like over a week period. Sorry that is how it happened. Thank you all for your answers. No I have not divorced him yet; I have to wait until February.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (20 September 2009):
Well did you suggest any type of Marriage Counseling before this entire debacle happened, or did it just come as a complete shock to you?
Was there anything else that led to the separation other than money issues?
I mean all I am getting here is a story of A 180 turn on this guys part. There has to be more to this than just a sudden turn.
I myself am a recovering alcoholic and addict (8 years clean and sober) and am a sponsor to many recovering addicts in 12 step programs. What I am trying to ask is what other signs did you encounter prior to this? None of us can give you the best advice based on what you wrote, for there has to be way more to this story. This just does not wash
so please fill us in
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (19 September 2009):
I am so sorry you're going through this. He has a combination of things going on in his life and its turned him into a train wreck.
The sad part is that there's a lot of love in what you're saying about him, and this loss of his business, the drinking, the depression and the girl he met all seems to add up to a massive midlife crisis.
You can fix this with him if you truly do love him and want to help him.
He's not in control of himself. And the last thing he needs to be is on his own like this. He's drinking and smoking, and carrying on like this because his world has collapsed around him, and he's running away from his family to spare them the grief of seeing him this way.
That's why he's doing it.
The price he's paying is hellish right now. He's suffering and though you should be taking it personally, I think he's not thinking clearly and he's acting out because of the fact that he's out of control.
Midlife is very hard on any man. If he doesn't see a future, he's become dispirited which explains the suicidal tendencies.
If there's anyway to bring him back and get him into some sort of detox or rehab program it would help you and him tremendously.
I think he does really love you, and at the same time, he's running and doesn't know why. All of this means he's going through untreated depression and he's terribly unhappy.
Please understand that alcohol abuse and alcoholism are diseases that magnify depression. When people drink, they can never be happy. The alcohol clouds their judgment and reduces inhibitions leading to a downward spiral.
Compounding this is the fact that he takes medication for seizures which is a deadly mix with alcohol.
I know that you think he threw his family away. But the fact that you're asking here, and the fact that he is saying he loves you all, its a sign that he needs help.
If there's a way, I would say talk to him and make him see how much he's hurting himself and his family and that none of you wants to see him degenerate like this. Its not him. It may take the entire family to do this, but when he has to see the damage he's doing, then everyone can try and help him recover and start the healing process all the way around.
And to finally answer your question, its not working for him, its destroying a man that you love, respected and cared deeply for.
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A
female
reader, obsticalfree +, writes (19 September 2009):
No he sounds miserable. He sounds like he has hit rock bottom and he believes nobody cares about him . The sudden weight gain, doing things to make himself feel better the financial loss and attention seeking behavior online all point to someone who really needs help and isn't happy at all. I know how hurtful the lies and the cheating and well his leaving must be. But... you say he was a great husband until this happened? Why not seek marriage counseling? It is a little unclear to m if you are still seperated or now divorced? I hope not the later . If it is gone beyond that poing it is very sad. But even if you are divorced he is the father of your children and it would be worth helping him for that reason alone. It sounds very much like he was doing without thinking anything to make himself feel good which has hurt his family terribly but also isn't uncommon for someone who is in severe depression and a midlife crisis and financial loss could easily sprial into a diagnosbile depression.
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