A
female
age
36-40,
*iorNY
writes:I had been dating this guy for three years. He was wonderful to me and I really loved him. He found out that had been online messaging his sis bf.The messages were a bit suggestive but I was not in my right mind because I was under the influence. We had not sent eachother messages for awhile. The messages meant nothing and I felt bad for hiding it from him. I wanted to tell him before but I kept it to myself thinking it would save alot of heartache. He asked me about it and I lied because I did not know what to say. I was afraid and embarassed about the whole situation. He said that if I would be honest it would even better but I dont think so. He is only human and would get mad at me anyway. The guy sent him all the messages and my bf was furious. I tried to apologize and explain what had happened but he did not want to hear me out. I love this man and really want him back. Do you think he could forgive me or should I give up hope? I havent heard from him in five days and I really miss him. I know I messed up I wish he would give me another chance. Please advise thank you. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (23 February 2009):
 How do you know he's not playing you???
You were going well untill you replied after he sent you the first email. I would have ignored him right then - as you already sent him your goodbye letter and were beginning to clear your mind. Now you just gave him the invitation to walk right on in if he wants too and now your back to square one and starting again, the same thing is going to happen again soon. Do you feel you really left it long enough???
If you ignored him after the goodbye email it would have made him realise that what he's lost without you. Maybe he already has but you can't tell if hes playing you, or genuily missing you, right? is he begging? what did he say?
Anyway ... Try this: sit him down and tell him exactly what YOU want in the relationship and be clear with him and what you DON'T want, tell him what you dont like about him and that if he does not give you the attention you want or need then your outta there baby, because you aint gonna waste your time and your life on a time waster.
I do wish you the best, and let us know how you go.
Be strong ;)
A
female
reader, diorNY +, writes (23 February 2009):
diorNY is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Its been a long time since I posted some updates. I wrote him a goodbye email and he replied back. I wish he wouldnt have that way I would have been able to let go. I stopped calling and emailing him. One night I was on gmail and he sent me a chat message. About a w-2 form sent to my old address. This was weird because he knows my new address and didnt need to chat me up. From then he has been sending me texts everyday. Now its progressed onto a nightly phone conversation that lasts a half to a full hour. I was dating someone but stopped because I realized that I was not ready for that. I told my ex and he said he felt the same way. He made it perfectly clear that he doesnt want anyone new right now. I have apologized and let him know that I understood the way he felt. I feel like he wants me back but I am not sure. I would really want to be friends and see where it goes. My main question is how do I know he stilll has feelings for me? and secondly, how long should I wait before I bring he subject of me wanting him back?? Thank you :)
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (17 January 2009):
 That's what I meant as well. Glad to hear you're talking and hope everything works out for you both.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (17 January 2009):
H diorNY,
What he wants (you being in his life) could be very hard on you in the future. Sometimes it's better to take a break entirely from the situation and give it some time and space. Id be inclined to slightly distance yourself from him a little and you must let him know if you decide will do this too.
He says he want's you in his life? what for? if he doesn't want to be with you?Again, thats him still loving you but he lacks the commitment factor. Its only understandable though, after this whole thing. Id still take a break, hang out with some friends and move on in your mind. It's his loss if you've given him a good shot at this, but is he really trying too?
Mixed signals means he is very confused, id say he needs time and space too but he doesn't know how to let you go. This is really interesting and some what funny how you both clearly want to be with each other but can't make that final commitment.
If it were me, id sit down over a coffee and have a chat and let each other go for a while - and take a break. Then, promise to meet somewhere at some time in six month when both your minds are clear and see how you feel about each other then. If the love is still there it will bloom.
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female
reader, diorNY +, writes (17 January 2009):
diorNY is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI spoke to him two nights ago. It was like we were a couple again and I was happy he made me laugh. Then I asked so are we over and he said yes. Yet he says "I want you in my life, I want us to talk" and he also says that he forgave me but he refuses to give me another chance...He wants me in his life but he wont give us another chance?? He is sending me mixed signals...what to do now?? p.s.RCN I didnt mean my bf was culpable just the sis bf was culpable too...
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (13 January 2009):
you may be both culpable, but it's your choice that cost you to loose him. You probably could rebuild the trust and overcome this. Since you violated the trust in the relationship, it's his decision if he chooses to take you back and work through this or not.
Children are a great example of what you're experiencing with him. If a child touches a hot stove, and gets burned, you don't have to tell them again not to touch because it's hot. They automatically avoid the situation. You hurt him, so he may not be willing to enter the situation again, with the chance of being hurt further.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009): Girl just hold on and play it safe, if your man says he can forgive you keep on fighting, most people say, I still love you but cant forgive, so I rally think if you can prove yourself as a trust worthy person he will see that, and eventually remember how good you made him feel, he’ll remember why he fell in love with you in the 1st place, I am confident in a couple of months if not sooner you’ll be back together and I am sure that you have learned a very valuable lesson from all this. Good luck, and remember you have made a mistake nothing can change that but you can change the way you gona live your life from here on forward, you control your destiny.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (13 January 2009):
Great! just hang in there okay. So he might trust you again and he wants to get back with you, you know he still loves you he just can't say it. Maybe he's just afraid of being hurt or somthing but I can tell you now he loves you very much, he's probably just a little hurt, thats all. He will get over it, and soon miss you too much.
You see, its the love thats giving him the thoughts of forgiving you. Not the trust, the trust will come back in time.
Anyway... nothing really happened hey, just a silly thing at the end of the day. And this will probably reinforce the relationship a whole lot more.
have fun :)
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A
female
reader, diorNY +, writes (13 January 2009):
diorNY is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI apologized to his sister today. Because I feel like if I patched things up with her my ex would take me back. I am not blaming anyone but I feel like we wer both culpable. And yes trust is very important and I know that I violated his trust and I feel bad. He says he can forgive me but that he cant love me because he doesnt trust me. I feel that we could rebuild the trust and move past this. I love him and thats is one truth that no one can deny. We are meant to be and thats all I know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2009): Yes you were both wrong, but don’t shift the blame my love you messed up and if the sis is happy staying with a man like that then that’s her choice, are you saying this because your BF got pissed and broke it off? Angel men think logically and us girls well we think with our emotions, so yea the logic thing to do would be break it off but she was obviously thinking with her heart and couldn’t imagine losing him, but maybe what your boyfriend did was the best thing for both of you, maybe you needed to be reminded how much you love this man, I can understand how sometimes that little bit of excitement really makes a person feel great, the flirting the secret sms’s but its all fake, and not worth losing a true love , forget about this other guy and how his girl is taking it, think about you and what you did wrong sit down and really think why you 1st started talking to this guy what was your real intentions. We all make mistakes but only through owning up will we ever get over it.
Good luck
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female
reader, diorNY +, writes (12 January 2009):
diorNY is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so far for the answers...It is hard for me to let go because I lived with him for almost a year. Its only been a few days but it feels like an eternity. I feel that he was wrong as well because he continued to message me and his sis knew about it all along but she didnt tell her brother??? so continues with this guy even after she found out he was messaging with me and that he hid it from her..
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (12 January 2009):
Okay, at the end of the day you still sent them regardless of drinking or under any influence. To answer your question: Yes I would, if I truly loved you, love works in these ways but id be a little careful about you, you would need to do a lot of work to build the trust again, but at the end of the day If I loved you I certainly would forgive.
The next step is to let him go. I know its hard but if he truly loves you he will return if he does not then he has been blinded by the perception that love is only a perception. So let him go stay available for him and if he does not call within a month or so then move on and forget about him. Its his loss.
Be strong :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2009): My boyfriend tells me the same thing, he use to tell me that if you ever cheated on me rather come to me and tell me I might be upset and freak out a bit, but altlest you did not try and hide it from me, I understand where his coming from, if you admit to something you did wrong, it shows that you are truly sorry for what you did, but when you tried hiding it after he has asked you for the truth, it made him see you as a person who lies
its gona be hard for his to listen to anything you have to say now, as you lied when he gave the opportunity to talk. I feel for you, I really do, coz sometimes I think telling a tiny white lie will keep the peace, prevent unnecessary shit, but a lie always comes out for some reason, give him space and give him time to cool down, if he is willing to forgive you he will probably make contact with you, and then you have to be honest as honest as you can be, coz if you lose trust angel you gona h ave to work your ass of to get it back .
sometimes the fact that you hiding a lie doesn’t hurt as much as the actual lie
Good luck
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (12 January 2009):
Do you believe trust is important in a relationship? First you sent the emails, then you lied to him about doing so. This reinforced his being unable to trust you. If they meant nothing, you shouldn't have hidden it. You can say it meant nothing, but from his view, how can he be for sure, since you were the one who sent them.
What means nothing to you, may mean something to him. I bet he feels betrayed, and getting another change may be a chore because you have to prove you can be trusted.
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