A
male
age
51-59,
*irius70
writes:Now to be honest, I have average looks and am average size being a tall, typical bodied white male. The issues exist that I suffer from social anxiety and other disorders, limiting my social skills, which might not attract women right off the bat. However, I have no children, no relationship baggage history, or diseases, making my bed a safe one.Does anyone believe women can look past my lack of prior history or am I am I in a bad situation because of my circumstance? Would you find a 42 year-old Virgin Dateable? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 June 2012):
 Sorry, I just double-checked that link and I see it's a site requiring a membership. I have googled for you and found a few sites that may be a start for you:
http://aspergers.meetup.com/
http://aspergerssupportgroups.wordpress.com/2010/08/13/aspergers-support-groups-united-states/
In googling these links, I typed in "adults with aspergers support groups" and many geographically specific links appeared. As I don't know where you are located, I can't post them all here but suffice it to say that there seems to be a lot of support out there.
Best wishes.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 June 2012):
Ah, so you don't even know if you officially have Aspergers? Well, go get diagnosed. Then get yourself into one of the many support groups for people facing the challenges that this syndrome may mean.http://www.aspergersyndrome.org/The socially more aware among us won't be able to walk you through the steps to this, there are so many that we aren't aware of, the unwritten rules, the body language, the non-verbal cues that we don't even realize are a part of our social interactions every day.What you need is to find that community of people like you who have this trouble and get the tips from them. There may even be women in there, with similar issues to you, if you think about it. Which may be a great choice of a date, don't you think?Additionally, if you meet people with your syndrome, they will have families and friends and there may be some one in those groups who knows about and understand Aspergers and voila, there's your match!Basic rules (off the top of my head):make eye contact, smile at appropriate times, try to understand their sense of humor, don't take everything literally. Perhaps one way to try to work through this is to video yourself having a conversation and then watch it with a friend. Have your friend point out areas that you could improve upon.But the very first thing you should do, in my opinion, is to find that support group, via your doctor who is going to diagnose you as best he or she can.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 If you're not a person who naturally shows affection then you'll be better off with a woman who is also non-affectionate. Find a woman who is like you, that is.
Then again, until you've been in a relationship you DON'T know how affectionate you'll naturally be. You don't. You just think so based on your imagination. Not having been in a relationship you do not know how you will act in a relationship. Taking guesses at possible future problems is good, but it's all speculation. You can't say for certain you will have a problem with affectionate.
My last boyfriend also thought he was non-affectionate. Because he used to be with everyone in his life, until he found himself in a relationship with me. He couldn't get his hands off me, he was very affectionate, loved to hold my hand, loved to snuggle up, amazing in bed (was a virgin too). Yet he was worrying himself with whether he was affectionate enough or not, because he usually isn't affectionate at all with anyone. He had a hard time hugging his own niece! But when he was with me that sort of just vanished... It did surface, from time to time. And I am glad he told me, because the times he was his "distant" self was so different from what he usually was.
What I'm telling you is that you can't take any sorrows in advance. For all you know you'll be affectionate in buckets with your future girlfriend. Sure, my ex had a little bit of a slow start, the first week that is. But he quickly caught up. I thought I had to take things slow with him as he was inexperienced and maybe a bit socially awkward like you. But nah, he got on board with the program real fast, and was actually the most affectionate boyfriend I've ever had. He'd hold me at night in his sleep and tell me his loved me while sleeping. Cutest thing ever.
But yeah, the same guy couldn't even hug his little niece, and felt uncomfortable hugging his friends too.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 June 2012):
 OP, this is an example of the clueless, helpless attitude that may be off putting to people way more than sexual inexperience.
" I believe I have Asperger's " . Yeah, but do you KNOW that ? Have you been to get yourself diagnosed by a competent professional ? If not, why ?
Do you know that if you have Asperger's, there's a variety of interventions and supports than can help you and minimize the " social " symptoms and discomfort ?
CBT. Multimedia intervention, there is actually software that teaches you how to recognize and understand the different meanings of facial expressions and voice modulation. There is social skills training, in groups, where you are helped acquire all those interactive social skills that you may be lacking. And there are medications , if your social anxiety is severe. There are different protocols of intervention according the severity of your Asperger's and if it is alone or in comorbidity ( together with other mental problems )- but you need to ask your therapist.
In other words : DO something, before only sitting there wringing your hands about the " what if what if ".
The world is not such a mean place as we tend to think, and women ( and men ) are more understanding, accepting and spiritually generous than we normally credit them for ... but you've gotta do your part , meet them halfway :)
In other words, DO something before
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male
reader, Sirius70 +, writes (14 June 2012):
Sirius70 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are probably right but I believe, when I fall down, I can get back up again. To make things clear some believe I have Aspergers, which means I don't know inherently what to do in social situations. That's it, everyone says, "When the time comes you will know what to do." Well I am telling everyone, with my decades of experience, I don't have a natural inclination for showing affection, though I don't want to be alone.
What pisses most people off, is that I have to be walked through the obvious, kinda hand held despite my time on this planet. Maybe guys (socially awkward) should answer this question on what to do with women who wouldn't be too wary of a guy such as myself?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 June 2012):
Oh,but you will know what to do inherently. Everybody does. Kids 14 years old know what to do .It's pure animal instinct.
Of course the results may be not stellar the first time- on the other end , they very seldom are,any first time with someone. People need to know each other, to get comfortable with each other, to find out what works best for each other, before they can... play beautiful music together.
Said that, honestly I think you do have a legitimate concern. As I said in my previous post , I would be sort of wary of a 42 y.o. virgin ( unless maybe he had stayed a virgin for compelling religious reasons ). Same as I'd be wary of whomever had skipped other normal steps of an average adult experience. Same as I'd be wary of a 42 y.o. man that has never worked once in his life, or never lived on his own, or never had a friend. I'd want to know why, and I'd have to make sure that the answer is something I could live with.
It's not a problem of TECHNICAL inexperience, in 3 times I could teach you all there is to know. It's a problem of relational and social functional adjustment.
I'd be happy to help a male virgin to learn how to make love- but perhaps I would not feel either willing or able to teach him how to LIVE , if his celibacy was deriving from
pathological conditions ( personality disorders, social phobia, etc.etc )that I would be not qualified to handle properly.
I wish I could tell you " hey that's just me " but I have the distinct feelings that it's NOT just me. Reason for which, I encourage you to seek help and support and, hopefully, a solution for your other issues and problems before , or at least at the same time with, handling the issue of your virginity.
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (13 June 2012):
 'and I really don't know what do inherently'
- It doesn't work like that. If someone is attracted to you and you are in a moment of passion, she won't be thinking 'does he know how to do this?' - it will all be instinctual. Everyone knows how to be close and how to have sex. We don't need to be taught (unless we are perhaps paid professionals!).
What we are ALL saying is just DON'T worry about it - it isn't a big deal, and it isn't a bad thing. Only you see it like that. Someone who likes you and wants to be close to you won't.
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male
reader, Sirius70 +, writes (13 June 2012):
Sirius70 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, I get what you are saying and it is not like I am going around saying, "Sex, sex, sex," on the first date but there ARE expectations and I still believe that I have a legitimate concern that I wouldn't be able to find any woman willing to tolerate me down the road, when the issue comes up.
I guess I just can't wrap my mind around the concept that a woman will be nicey nice when the time for passion arises and I really don't know what do inherently.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 June 2012):
We are suggesting you don't tell the women you date that you are a virgin, not because it is BAD that you are a virgin. But because talking about your sex-life, whether you have one or not, is NOT first date material. You shouldn't discuss sex at all before you've gotten to know someone better. Preferably sex shouldn't be discussed until you are in a committed relationship! That is why you shouldn't tell the women you date that you are a virgin. It is a topic that it is inappropriate to discuss early on in a relationship. You might as well ask her how many men she's had sex with, that's also sure to make her choke on her food and then walk away.
Do not talk about sex, at all, until you are in a relationship. When I've flirted with men, been on dates, and entered relationships, sex has NOT been a topic. So actually, I could have been a virgin all the time when entering each and every relationship I've had, and the men wouldn't have known any better until the time came for us to go to bed...
I actually did enter a relationship once with a man who was a virgin. We hadn't discussed sex, and we didn't have a talk about him being a virgin until the time came in our relationship that we wanted to have sex.
So that is why you shouldn't tell. It just isn't appropriate to start discussing sex, or being open about your sexuality, or virginity, until you are in a committed relationship.
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male
reader, Sirius70 +, writes (12 June 2012):
Sirius70 is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Natasia, that was one of my concerns when they say, "Don't tell her". I know that is going to come back to bite me. Sorry but all these open minded women people are talking about, I don't know where they are at.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 May 2012):
So why not cross that bridge when you come to it? It seems to me the first thing is to start dating. Have you found help for your social anxiety issue? And what are the other 'disorders'? Perhaps they are holding you back from dating.
All you have to do is to tell a woman, "My past isn't going to be much fodder for a novel; I don't have much experience, but I am very interested in you!"
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male
reader, Sirius70 +, writes (20 May 2012):
Sirius70 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's an 'in case of question'. I didn't have any woman in mind at the moment.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 May 2012):
Do you have an actual woman in mind or is this just an 'in case' kind of question?
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 May 2012):
Why do you think a woman you date will have her first date with you in bed? By the time you and her get intimate you will, hopefully, already have gone beyond the clumsy and insecure levels and gotten to know each other, be comfortable with each other, and also know about your virginity. It will be a non-issue. Besides, who said a virgin had to be clumsy in bed. One of the best lovers I had was a virgin and still was amazing in bed, even though he was doing things he had never done before.
It's not so much about the level of experience really, that makes one good in bed or not. It's about how interested you are in each other, how turned on you are by each other, and how strong your feelings are for each other. The rest is pure instincts.
Drop the focus on sex. Sex isn't your biggest concern here. The woman WONT mind. OK? Settle with that for now. Your biggest concern is capturing a woman's interest and KEEPING her interested long enough to fall in love with you. Worry about the sexual part once you enter a relationship with a woman you care for, not sooner. And if I am right, by that time you wont be worried about it at all. Worrying about sex before you even have a girlfriend is pushing the cart before the horse!
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male
reader, Sirius70 +, writes (20 May 2012):
Sirius70 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell my worry is that even if I don't tell her, my lack of experience will make me look like a clumsy, awkward teen just trying out in the bedroom. How would a woman dating a man my age be ok with that? How do I go about defending my situation? Watching all the porn in the world, won't make me a more experienced lover.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (19 May 2012):
My line would be ... no line. Don't tell her!
No, but seriously ... if you have to explain, tell the truth: you just didn't meet the right person, and you didn't want just anyone.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (19 May 2012):
"Are there any lines anyone might suggest that I approach her with? "
Be honest about your situation, but ease into it. I think that would be the best policy. The woman you date/are interested in doesn't need to hear your life story on the first meeting. Talk about interesting parts of yourself rather than build up a pity-party where you only focus on how long you've been single etc.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 May 2012):
Mean ?... We can be personally supportive and sympathetic with your situation, but, do you want to be supported and resuured regardless,... or do you want the straight dope ?.
Everybody is datable. But, some people will have more trouble than others in finding dates, and you are among them.
Yes, being a 42 virgin elicits curiosity, diffidence, and questions. It's not about the physical virginity per se, it's about the lack of social and relational experience. One can't help asking herself WHY, and in your case the answer is "social anxiety and other disorders which limit your social skills ". In other words, it's not your fault, but you have clear disadvantages that make your desirability less than average to the average woman.
Sageoldguy is correct in saying that your sexual past is nobody's business until way further in your acquaintance of a person. But, again, it's not about the lack of sexual experience per se, it's about the reasons behind it.
Social anxiety CAN be successfully cured and hopefully your other disorders too can be succesfully cured or at least managed . I'd start working on that, before thinking of the " right " phrases to impress women.
It's a bit like if you were obese, it limits your options. Sure ,obese people can date too. They can find people that do not care about weight. But... if they bother to shed some weight BEFORE, that makes everything so much easier and simpler.
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male
reader, Sirius70 +, writes (17 May 2012):
Sirius70 is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Wow, some replies supportive, some rather mean. However, I am still perplexed on how to present the situation to any future woman I hook up with, without her freaking out. Are there any lines anyone might suggest that I approach her with?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): It continues to baffle me why people in our current society see virginity past the age of 16 as some sort of horrible sickness.No matter what people say, virginity has value to it. The first time is an important one. It might be amazing or it might be awful--the fact is, it's the first time.So when you ask is a 42-year-old virgin man dateable I would say: Absolutely, without a doubt, yes. Not only are you dateable, you have a gift you can share with that special woman.Since when is having no baggage, diseases, or ex's not attractive? Its highly attractive.Now the woman you will meet might possibly be a virgin herself, and honestly I think such a fit would be best for you. Since then you are on the same sexual level. However, she may not be a virgin, and thats okay too. The important part is that she doesnt judge you for "having no experience." If a woman is not willing to date you because you "might" not be good in bed, she's useless to begin with.A relationship based only on sex will never survive.
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (14 May 2012):
 A lot these answers are encouraging but most seem to think.youre looking for love. In my experience u shouldnt wait for love because of all the what ifs. Youre inexperienced with dating so u may not know how to tell if a lady is genuine with u about who she is. Second what if u wind up in a relationship that doesnt last then bc u attached so much emotion to sex u regret it with her and become frustrated with relationships. Also what if the woman had several partners before u. This could cause u jealousy or on her end comparing lovers. If i were u bud id get ur social diaorders figured out so u can deal with them when it comes to ladies. Next id read up on what attracts women. Read books on their psychology and dating gurus. I dont like the fact women come on here and say they want a nice guy. But thats not what attracts them bc nice guy behavior illustrates soft woosy behavior to them. Lastly for ur first time id just go have fun with a very experienced woman and have her teach u. It can be fun. Dont attach emotion to ur virginity. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): I am 35, educated and very beautiful, as other people say! I just said that because I don’t want you to think I chose my husband because of desperation, in fact I was the catch of the town. I didn’t like to date guys near my age, I tried few times and I didn’t find them mature enough for me. 9 years ago at age 26 I got married, my husband was 41 and virgin, I loved it that he was virgin. He is very good in bed and we have never had any problem. I’m sure you will be fine. The most important thing is your personality, if you are a nice guy your virginity is a plus. You will find your love.........
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (14 May 2012):
 Would I (a 27 year old woman) find a 42 virgin with social anxieties datebable? Most likely not, because I like to date near my age. Social anxiety can be overcome.
Would a 32+ single or divorced woman with potential retroactive jealousy find you dateable? Absolutely.
There ARE women out there for you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2012): "Does anyone believe women can look past my lack of prior history or am I in a bad situation because of my circumstance?"
Seems to me most women would embrace your lack of any type of baggage and your resulting freedom from possible STDs. As a guy, I'd say that given your lack of socially-expected life experiences the bigger issue is can YOU look past the prior history and/or baggage any woman your age is likely going bring into any potential relationship?
Your social anxiety disorder may be more difficult to overcome in dealing with a woman's older children and the father(s) thereof, rather than the woman herself.
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female
reader, feralfox +, writes (13 May 2012):
Of course you are dateable! Everyone has their preferences, and I'm sure there are a lot of women in your age group that have had a lot of baggage, and just want to meet a nice guy who's sincere, responsible, and ready for a real relationship. On the other hand, if you're looking for a 20 year old partygirl-type, you might have a harder time because of the difference in interests and because of your social anxiety. But that doesn't matter, because that's probably not what you're looking for anyways :) There are a lot of women out there looking to love a great guy like yourself. You just gotta go out and meet them! Now I'm not sure what exactly your reasons are for being a virgin... are they religious, or is it because of your social anxiety? If you are religious in any way, church events are a great way to meet others. If you aren't religious at all, you should think about getting help for your social anxiety, because it's possibly that it might really be stopping you from getting out there and meeting the woman of your dreams. You deserve to be happy, don't let anything stop you, especially yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2012): i am 22 years of age, a virgin but yes i have been in a long term r.ship and not being rude but i think you sound extremely hot and dateable! even old people e.g late 80's find partners etc . i would say go for some one your own age instead of younger, have confidence.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 May 2012):
 You are 'WAY too far ahead of things if you think it's important that a woman - ANY WOMAN - should be aware that you are not sexually experienced......
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reader, chigirl +, writes (13 May 2012):
At 26 I don't think I'd find a 42-year old man date-able for me, regardless of anything else. So I am probably not the best one to answer this. However, say you were 25-32 instead and my answer would be: sure. Based on the information you gave me I don't see a real problem dating you. Being a virgin isn't a deal breaker. Social anxiety isn't a deal breaker either, I actually get along with the "outsiders" a lot better than the normal ones. But that is because I'm a rather odd character myself.
My deal-breakers are other things than what you have mentioned, and I think it is the same for the majority of other women as well. We don't care if you are a virgin. We are more concerned about the reasons why, and if you are heterosexual or if there are other deal-breakers that are the cause of your virginity. The virginity itself isn't an issue really, as long as you are prepared to give it up at one point or another (say you want to be married first, that's totally okay).
In either case, don't flaunt your sexual history around, that's just tactless. You want to get to know a person on an intimate level before you share intimate information about yourself. So this is definitely NOT first date information.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2012): At the end of the day, its not about age or experience or anything :3 its about the type of person you are, and if you're love, kind hearted and genuinely a nice guy, i honestly cant see any reason why you cant find the perfect woman for you :)
Hope this helps :) x
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (13 May 2012):
You are perfectly dateable - and if you are in good condition, then I'm sure lots of women would find you an interesting prospect. Women in their 40s generally have to put up with all sorts of difficult, exhausting, taxing and stressful baggage in a new man in his 40s, so a virgin with a clean slate and no kids has an appeal. You should use it as your unique selling point! ; )
And if you want to add a dimension to your offering that will definitely corner a market, express your willingness to have one or two children with a new partner ... the last-chance early 40-somethings will snap that up.
Trust me. It's true.
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male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar +, writes (13 May 2012):
Dude u have my support for sure. Its the general american society im worried about with ridiculing n teasing u. Do not disclose the virginity thing with women right away but do make them aware of ur disorders n what youre trying to do to overcome them. That will show confidence and confidence in a man is like a panty dropper for women. In addition i highly recommend david d angelos attraction isnt a choice and deep inner game for attracting women. Theres a formula to attracting women its psychology man. Good luck.
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