A
male
age
36-40,
* new start
writes:Hi, I'm a 26 year old guy and I've never been in a relationship. I'm going to give an explanation as of why. In my teens I was essentially very shy and insecure and so didn't really dare to approach girls that I liked. When I was 19 I started to have problems with my stomach. The doctors didn't really know what it was and the medicines I got was practically useless. I assumed that I simply had an extremely sensitive stomach. This put me out of many social situations as drinking alcohol or being nervous made me feel ill. It wasn't until I was 23 that doctors knew what it was and not until I was 24 that I got an effective treatment for it. By this time I had moved a few times back and forth and lost many friends due to either they moving or that I moved and also gained very few new friends as social situations became difficult. This also made me feel more and more depressed and in time went on to a full on depression. I also started to withdraw myself more from the few friends I had left and all my energy went to finish my bachelor degree. I didn't really notice all of this as everything came so slow and I thought I was feeling low due to my problems and also that I simply was a more negative and depressed soul. Eventually i seeked help and it has done wonders. I feel a lot more confident and is much happier with my life and I have started to see a few old friends as well as gaining a few new ones. I'm not writing this background for you to feel sorry about me or anything like that. I just feel I need to explain the situation as I want to know what the women here would think about dating a guy like me.I'm now in the dating game and if I find a girl I really like and that I think likes me I feel that I should tell her at some point of my past problems and inexperiences. She's going to find out anyway about my inexperience and if I don't outright lie about my past she's going to find out about that as well. I don't want to lie about the life I had if I'm going into a relationship. I want to be honest. I think it's better to build a relationship like that. However, I am a bit anxious of how she would take it. A 26 year old guy who has never been in a relationship and still a virgin (the idea of picking up a girl in a bar for a one night stand has never been very appealing to me, not that i could anyway with my stomach problem but it's a relationship that I wanted) isn't perhaps that normal. Would it matter to you? Would you end the relationship immediately? Even if you didn't end the relationship because of this what would be your biggest worries about a dating a guy like me with my background? I'd like honest answers please.
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depressed, insecure, one night stand, shy, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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male
reader, A new start +, writes (4 August 2013):
A new start is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your answers. Hope it will work out well in the end.
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (21 July 2013):
hello,
I think you are a caring sensitive person who has been through a lot and anyone who is worth your time wont judge you for your past, none of which was your fault.
I think it is better to be a virgin until later like you, than to be someone who lost their virginity too young and slept around as a result. you will meet the right person in time, and they will accept you as who you are. and yes I would definitely date a guy in your situation, I have met much worse :)
God bless
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (20 July 2013):
Dear OP,
In short, would I date a guy like you? Yes. If there is some chemistry and we get along well, I wouldn't mind about that.
After a certain age, every man and every woman has some emotional scars, oddities, weird stories or some baggage from past relationships. So you might be dating a girl who has maybe not made the same experience as you, but who knows, maybe she's been through one or two crisis' herself and can relate. Who knows, maybe she's had an eating disorder, or needed years to get over her ex, or she's been depressed in the past as well? Anyway, don't forget that the woman you're dating is also just a human and she's not any better than you just because she was more social, or more healthy, or had more sexual experience. Rejection is always an option when you go on a date, but it's a mutual risk. She might not like your inexperience, you might not like her character. Dating always needs some bravery but it's worth it in the end.
The advice I would give you is not to bring up this topic too early. Like, on the first date. Focus on the present and whether you two like each other. If you feel that there is genuine sympathy and you get more intimate with your topics, then maybe tell her.
Of course you can hide your inexperience for a long time, but why should you? I don't think a mature relationship should be built on secrets. And inexperience is not so much of a flaw, it has its upsides, for instance, no risk of STDs while sleeping with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2013): To me I wouldn't care at all about your medical condition and lack of experience. I would care more about the present like whether we had things in common and similar world views.I would suggest you focus on making friends with girls. Take the pressure off yourself to "be in the dating game". See the girls around you as interesting people and friends first, and dating prospects second. Because it is much easier and less pressure to get to know someone if the stakes are lower. You dont feel judged and you arent judging them so both people can get to know each other in a more comfortable setting. Then if a mutual attraction develops you will know. And if it doesnt so what you still have them as a friend. Then if you do hit it off as friends you wouldn't feel so uncomfortable disclosing this about yourself. All the men I have dated have started out as platonic friends (including my husband). I think seeing a stranger as a potential dating partner has a pot of problems because it makes things Rene and complicated. But that's just me.
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A
male
reader, A new start +, writes (19 July 2013):
A new start is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Frank B KermitI'm not ashamed that I'm a virgin anymore, partly because I'm not really the same insecure person anymore that lead me to become a late virgin. I would personally be completely cool telling her which I wouldn't be before when I was depressed and ashamed of myself. It's just that I don't know what kind of flags that raises in women. If they start to run the other way or something like that. That's why I wanted some honest answers from women here. Nowadays I'm proud of myself that I have managed to break myself free from my problems even though i sometimes blame myself that I didn't do it sooner. I haven't planned on giving it away on the first date or something like that of course but if I feel I'm getting serious with the girl then it would help her understand me and where I have been. You can't ignore the past life if it get serious. She's going to wonder what I have been doing and things like that. I don't want to make something up so she would think I have been more active than I have been. I think it's better if I tell her at some appropriate moment after I feel like we are getting close.To CindyCaresThe risk that I will turn it into a tail of woe is basically nonexistant. I have never been much for self-pity which i find self-degrading and I don't even feel sorry for myself. I can be mad at myself occassionally that I didn't do anything sooner but I don't feel sorry. I'm not over my past obviously as I otherwise wouldn't be mad at myself that I didn't fix it sooner but a relationship would probably help me a lot to overcome it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 July 2013):
 Ah OP, I think everybody at some point beat themselves up for all they could /should have done differently, sooner, better ,faster. At least, I certainly do. Or perhaps, I may say I DID. Because at some point you also realize that this is a vain exercise in futility. You can't ever go back in the past and fix what you did - you cannot change what has already happened.
But, there are the magic, powerful words " from now on ". From now on, you have the power and the knowledge to make different choices, to adopt new behaviours, to shape your future differently from what you did so far. That's all it counts.
It happens that now at 26 you are a bit rusty socially, and a virgin. Big deal. You can change these things. Yes, some girls may find your inexperience unappealing- it means they are not the kind of person who can " get " you , so , in a way, they are self screening themselves out of your life and saving you the trouble.
Other women will be unfazed and / or understanding, don't worry.
The only thing I would suggest you , if you feel the need to explain about yourself and your past from early on,- don't turn it into a tale of woe about your misery and inadequacies etc.etc., don't make a song and a dance about it. Stick to the facts, you have been in poor health, your sickness turned into depression, and that cramped your style for a little while. That's all.
This, not to embellish reality, but to avoid putting out self-pity vibes that are much more unappealing than physical virginity, and to help yourself focus not on all that went wrong in the past, but on what is going fine today and could go even better tomorrow.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2013): Hi OP, it's your personality that counts more than anything else in my opinion. It speaks well that you overcame this. I'd be happy to know I'm with a fighter - someone who can go through a dark time and emerge stronger. That's a quality to be admired.
My one issue about your virginity is that I would worry that you want to experience the world before settling with me. Not every girl will worry about this, but make sure that if you your first serious girlfriend happens to be the one you want to spend your life with, leave her with absolutely no doubt about this. Show and say how happy you are and how you couldn't ask for anything else.
I'm happy for you that you're in a good place.
I wish you well :-)
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A
male
reader, A new start +, writes (19 July 2013):
A new start is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you CindyCares for your reply. Now that I have come out of the depression I sometimes beat myself down and definitely feel like I should have done more such as seeing a therapist earlier and keeping contact with my friends as well as seeing doctors for my stomach problem more regularly (I gave up after a while and assumed I had a sensitive stomach but contacted a doctor again after my problem got even worse). So I think you are almost a bit too nice to me but you don't know the exact details of course. My depression made me increasingly indifferent, tired and anxious but I still feel I should have tried harder.I don't personally feel like I did enough during this time. My stomach problem and my developing depression had a huge impact on the fact that I rarely made any friends (not great when you already have low self esteem) when I moved away and that I became socially awkward and rarely wanted to socialize even with old friends. The worst part is that my slowly increasing depression made me feel like this is just the kind of person I am even though somewhere deep down I suspected that I might have a problem but I never really saw it and therefore didn't seek help. I could never imagine however that my problem was THIS big as I now see how different I became afterwards but I now feel that I should have tried harder to make new friends, keeping more contact with my old friends and turning my life around. So I'm a bit angry of myself because of that. I am more active now and trying to make up for it though.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 July 2013):
Honest answer : SOME girls might mind, because they buy into the mystique of the expert, been- there -done -that man about town . But I think many would not , particularly in your case. In a nutshell : you haven't been social enough because of physical health problems. Not your fault and nothing you could do much about. I don't think a sensitive , and sensible girl could resent you / make fun of you because you have been physically ill- with all the psychological and social complications pertaining to that.
Note that in general I am not particularly tender hearted with guys or girls who write us " I can't find a mate because I have social anxiety / I am patholigically shy " because my take on the problem is : then DO something about it : see a counselor, see a shrink, see a doctor, DO something.
But you WERE doing something and seeing doctors, only it did not work until 23. So I don't think your past and inexperience could be a dealbreaker for a girl ( one who alreday likes you a bit, of course ) , and if it is- then she is obviously a close minded type and you can easily do without her and her hang ups.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (19 July 2013):
 Hi There,I have counseled Adult Male Virgins just like you and here is what I can tell you. Yes, there are some women that would be put off by this, however they are in the minority. The majority of people will simply react to this based on how you feel about it. If you are ashamed of it, they will be ashamed for you and that will affect the relationship more than anything.Also, it is not a question of when you share this information...you are assuming she will have to know. This is private information that you only need to share if and when it is appropriate. You may even end up having sex without having to share this kind of info about your past.Focus on what you have to offer a potential partner (list all the things you take for granted about yourself). Here is an interview I did on AMVs that is on youtube:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnOd3vtq0to-Frank
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2013): yes.
but it tells me very little about you. basically... it means nothing, it wouldnt deter me from dating a guy, but it wouldnt make me want to either. I don't really care about the life story so much as the personality and character of a guy... life story just helps me to understand them
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