A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my girlfriend is going through a really hard moment and is "threatening" to break up with me....her mom found a lump in her breast, and had it checked out and it was ok, but in the process, my girlfriend started to over think and get really scared...this is basically what she told me:"i was an only child and i think i am just too selfish... my friends who are the same age as me even talk about doing all this stuff for their boy or girlfriends out of love but i just don't know if i can do it, i have needs too and i can't see myself giving up all my needs for a relationship...""i feel that i'm just a really selfish shallow person who only cares about what she wants, maybe it comes from being an only child, but i'm realizing that i have treated you pretty shitty and i know you don't deserve that... i do love you more than anything but i am seriously fcked up... ""i still want to go out and see the world, it's not that i don't want you with me when i do it, i really do want that, but i just worry, sometimes i feel like i'll never be able to be married, because i don't know how to give that much of myself to another person. my mom sacrificed a lot for me when i was little, and i think i just got used to taking advantage of her, and i feel really bad but it's become a pattern for me, i expect stuff my way and i can't always stop to think and understand that others have needs too...""i don't want to break up with you. you've been supportive of me through the best and worst of times for the past year and a half... but i am just so afraid that i won't be able to give to you what you deserve, because i am so fucked up and selfish because of my past... "that's basically the gist of it...she said all this a couple of days ago... i just responded with "i understand, if you need some space or something, that's ok, just let me know where we stand."the next day she said "i think i was really fucked up last night, i don't want to break up... we're fine."but then yesterday she is back to being "unsure" again. "i really do want this to work but i just don't know, there's so much other stuff i'm dealing with and i am still afraid i can't give enough to you."she is right, I have been supportive of her and there for her through some other hard times in her life, but this situation seems to be too much for her....i love her, i want to stick by her side and be there for her, even through the worst of times. if it means giving her some space, then i can do that - i do love her enough to step back a bit when it's needed. but i don't want to lose her forever. and i disagree with a lot of what she said - yes, at times she's selfish, but so am i, not going to even try to deny that. and she does do a lot of amazing things for me most of the time. since the last conversation, yesterday, we haven't spoken. I want to say something to her that will help reassure her but i'm not sure what to say. i feel if i try to say simple stuff like "you're not selfish" that she'll just try to argue that she is (she obviously is having a self-esteem crisis here). but i want her to know that i am her BOYFRIEND and i'm here for her through thick and thin, for better of for worse, i want to be someone she can count on and depend on to lean on in times of need. i don't want her to feel guilty for needing to lean on me, or for needing space, or for whatever it is she needs.what should I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2013): I think she got a big scare.
When we go through something as serious as she did, you start to introspect. She faced the possibility that she could have lost her mom. She felt the guilt for not treating her mom and others in the way she really should have.She somehow feels this her fault for not appreciating how lucky she is. This is normal in these situation.
She had a moment of stress, remorse, and regret for her bad behavior. She fully acknowledged her past misbehavior and apologized. She felt if she didn't; that it would have somehow affected the outcome of her mother's condition.
The stress has been lifted, and she is recovering from the scare. However; now that everything is out in the open, she is feeling remorse for her emotional outpouring on you.She also took a moment to look back on who she is and what she has done.
She is going to vacillate back and forth on what to do about her relationship. That is because you are over-looking her true faults out of love. You are in denial. She isn't at this point. You don't know everything she is feeling deep inside, and you don't have to. There is nothing you can do, and you don't have the experience. This is where her parents come in. Now her boyfriend.
She has come to terms with how she behaves. Suddenly she was hit with the possibility of losing someone she dearly loves. She wants you to be happy. She was facing a moment of gloom, and it brought out her true inner-most feelings. A confession of sorts. True realization of who she is as a person.
You have to prepare, because she may ultimately decide it is best for the both of you, that she is allowed to work on herself. She deserves that.
She has reached an epiphany. When that happens, you can't stand in her way.
She is on the road to self-improvement, and you can't hold her back; if she needs the space to do it. You must be supportive. She has undergone some emotional changes and she is maturing. She is facing self-realization and it is in a positive change. You will love and respect her all the more, once she has.
Stand by her. Be her rock. Don't pressure her or be whiny. She needs your strength. This is the time you have to be a man, not a boy. You are her boyfriend, but she is also in charge of her own feelings; and she will come to you when she feels like it.
Please give her time to herself. This isn't about you right now. She has undergone the biggest scare of her life, and needs some time to deal with her feelings.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2013): In all honesty it sounds like she is looking for an "out" in the relationship and has chosen a variant of "it's not you, it's me" as her excuse.
No matter how you spin it, girls who want to keep dating someone don't usually suggest a breakup.
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