A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Would you be angry with your husband for taking a job that pays a lot less than what they should be making?my husbad and I have been married for 1.5 and together 10.We are both nurses and we moved from one side of the country to the other 1.5 years ago. When we moved my husband worked temp jobs for a little while and I did not seek employment do to anxiety and depression following being assaulted at my prior job by another staff member. I have a large savings account so I don't have to worry. So yes I still contribute.We saw an attorney before we got married and everything is seperate except the house which I pay the mortgage. He picks up the rest. That is the deal we had before we got married. My husband only sent out a few applications and didn't really try very hard to get a great job. (As nurses from the other side of the country he says that he is not use to not having to put that much effort into finding a job. Nursing facilities are usually begging us!)Yes, he does use the pity party card a lot! The Temp agency had been sending him to this school to work as a nurse, and the school offered him 20 thousand dollars less (oh but he makes the excuse that they have great benefits and 5 thousand of free tuition a year) than what he would be worth as a hospital nurse on this side of the country. He had been a hospital nurse on the other side of the country. I think my stress maybe rubbing off on him due to the fact that he claims that it is to stressful, hard, etc. He is enrolling in school to go back for his masters,only because I nagged him to do so. He really does not even know what masters he wants to get yet. we are both in great health and really don't use the benefits that come with his job much. I am angry at my husband for settling for a job that pays much less than what he is worth. He should be making about 20 thousand dollars more on this side of the country. He does have low self esteem and I think is selling himself short! He claims that he can study at this job less stress. Etc. On the other hand he could get a job that pays 20 thousand more that only works 3/12hr shifts a week and he would have more time off! Should I be angry at him for taking this job? Would you be angry at your spouse for taking this job if you knew they had bills to pay and credit card debt?Should I lay off my anger? What is your point of view?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): The fact that you say you would "let" your husband go to the pub alone, and that you "allow" him to go to the bird shelter suggests to me that you are controlling - it seems as though he has to have your permission to do something, even if you let him. That sort of vocabulary indicates this to me clearly. I think wives who don't let their husbands out of their site have a very unhealthy relationship indeed. I don't think being more controlling will help whatsoever...it just pushes people away and makes them withdraw into themselves.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010):
****I am the poster of this question*****
I don't think I am controling at all compaired to all the other couples we are friends with! In fact maybe I should be more controling? I would let my husband go to a pub alone to see a band if he wanted I would let him fly alone across the usa to see his family. I have allowed him to go help out at shelter for injured birds even though I was not into it. I trust him not to cheat on any part of our lives together. All the other couples that we are friends with don't let their husbands out of their sight! Every married lady I know would be angry at their husbands for taking a low paying job. I am just trying to boost his self esteem! It seems like everyone takes advantage of my husbands kindness.
I get tired of my husband being the scapegoat and I kinda do wish he would "man up" and step up to the plate and be more of a go getter. I do plan on returning to work and I am currently trying to talk myself out of this "funk." I too want to get a masters degree. I/we are old fashioned and I want my husband to be or at least feel like he is the bread winner/man of the house. maybe to help his ego. I want to see him enrolled in school first. I don't want to be the bread winner. Any tips on how to help his ego?
You are right he is a sensetive guy.
Thanks!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): You have depression and anxiety, and I appreciate that those are completely debilitating. And you are lucky that you do not have to work because plenty of people do regardless. But I think the fact that you do not have to and cannot work somewhat takes away your ability to tell your husband what he should be doing. It's not fair on him. Dealing and living with any relative who has a chronic condition of any sort is extremely hard work, especially mental illness. I know from experience. You don't come across as appreciating how hard it must be for him to have to live with that everyday, and be dealing with sickness at home and at work. Maybe he just wants a bit of a break by working as a school nurse which is presumably less demanding and stressful. He might be trying to lighten his load a little bit by changing his working pattern. And the fact that you have massive savings doesn't change anything. To be honest it makes you come across as a bit spoilt. I think when you go back to work then you can have more of a valid opinion on what your husband does. Until then it is not just up to him to fit his working pattern to the "long term", and you shouldn't try and make it otherwise. To be honest, you sound a bit controlling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): What did he say when you asked him about other jobs which also pay tuition? What is his reasoning?
I don't understand the rest of your post, sorry, except that I understand your looking at the bigger picture. But do you not think he could be stressed as well and wants to take the pressure off? Surely you can understand that can't you? And I appreciate that you have depression and anxiety but what are you doing about that? Getting some treatment I hope. Moreover, if you have your own money, why are you so worried if he takes a pay cut which he seemingly wants to do? If he can support himself- and you seem to be making a big point about having separate finances- then surely it is up to him what he does. You sound to me a bit like you are sitting in your ivory tower with a big savings account, and yet feel that you can dictate what your husband does when he has to go to work.
We do not know why he took this job which pays tuition instead of another one somewhere else that pays more. You will have to ask him that. Let us know what he says as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): I AM THE POSTER OF THIS QUESTION: I did not seek employment do to anxiety and depression following being assaulted at my prior job by another staff member. I have a large savings account so I don't have to worry. So yes I still contribute. Please read the whole question people!
If he barley squeaking my now and the match 401k would be better for retirement if he were making more and saving more for a roth ira. I am looking at the long term.
OH and many other nusing jobs pay tuition in the city so I don't see why that is a factor?
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (18 January 2010):
 Yes, $20,000 is a HUGE pay cut, but have you considered that for the past two years he has been suffering along with you in your battle against depression? He may be overwhelmed with the move, the job search and helping you through your recovery and needs a break. If he says he needs a less stressful job, accept that and respect his decision.
My roommate lives with anxiety disorder so I am somewhat familiar with it, and it sounds like your anger is really a manifestation of your anxiety. You are worrying about everything that could possibly go wrong in this situation. Look at all the evidence rationally. Is there any real reason for you to be anxious? Have the two of you actually sat down and made a realistic budget? Do you have any real evidence that your husband won't be able to pay his bills based on his new salary? Do you have a real-life basis for these fears (has his inability to pay his bills left you homeless and hungry in the past)? Or are you catastrophizing this situation and assuming that the worse case scenario is inevitable?
Don't allow your anxiety to create a problem where there is none: you have significant savings and your husband is employed with benefits. Nothing bad will happen because he is taking a pay cut. He has training in a field that is in demand and can find another job if he finds that he is unable to meet his financial obligations.
It's good that you are checking with others to see whether you have blown things out of proportion or not. This is a very important part of managing your anxiety and I applaud you for this effort!
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (18 January 2010):
 Well the thing is, you were nagging him about getting this degree. Now that he has a job, but pays less, this job contributes to his tuition. Maybe he resents the fact that you are irritating him to go back to school? Plus you have no idea how benefits can really help. Things happen out of no where, so he might just be preparing for the future.
I'm sorry you got assaulted at your last job, but if this lack of funds really bothers you, maybe you should start working again? Maybe you need something to do to keep your mind off of worrying about what he's doing, and perhaps it would be enough for you to get back on track. As long as he isn't getting enough money to cover his part of the agreed expenses, there isn't much wrong with what he's doing.
So yes, I think you should lay off the anger and maybe start searching for your own employment. He's doing what he wants to do and he's also doing what you told him to.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (18 January 2010):
So he is taking this low paying job because they pay part of his tuition? And he went back to do his masters because you nagged him to? I'm sorry to say that you sound a tad bit controlling. Your assets and money are separate. So whatever debt he gets into means its his to pay. Also, it depends how long it takes for him to complete his masters. If you have no other problem with him (eg. cheating, gambling, abusive etc) then you have no reason to complain. Let him finish his school and as long as he covers his responsibilities as agreed (bills etc) then you should back off. Don't make it difficult to live with you. Not everything boils down to money; especially since you are not liable for his debts. Let him make his own bad decisions and he will learn from them himself. You can't be his mother so shown his some respect by letting it go and just enjoy your marriage.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 January 2010):
 You already know my point of view.
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