A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there aunts and unclesI have had a problem for quite sometime now, ever since i have started dating.every-so-often i would have bad dreams about my girlfriends, they would be arguing over some boy or some lie shes told and something iv found out through listening and pointing out non-linear answers etc...iv tried to ignore them over the years, but it is very difficult to as the dreams are so vivid! some have come true, like my ex cheating on me with a guy she had gotten buddy-buddy with, he kept pestering her for sex and she was a lover of attention, needless to say karma got her back when he posted her webcam videos - stripping and fondling over the internet and i found out when watching porn one night. - this helps to seat my dreams as a premonition or a sign my sub-consious has picked up on something.these dreams make it hard for me to trust and i want to stop them. my current Gf lied to me about talking to an old flame, now is hiding it. i know its just light convo n shes keeping it friendly, shes very self consious about breaking up other peoples relationships, but has cheated on her last 2 bf's which makes me worry a bit aswell, spesh as she used to love this guy shes talking to atm....anyway iv been having dreams abtu her lying and arranging meetings behind my back with this person, i have told her about the dreams iv had, which oddly, made her clam up more...not her usual behaviour when im feeling a bit insecure, she's normally pro-active in helping me get past them...after i was talking to her mum about a suprise date and she told me that i couldnt do the date i suggested because her daughter is meeting with a guy that day...i confronted my gf about this and she said maybe, depends when he is back from iraq and that i am not to talk to her family about it or ask. recently iv dreamt that she would leave me for this guy and her ex would be a catalyst in some way, my dream was vague about that part. i havent told my gf, but sometimes i want to just burst out and ask, then she throws the "i dont trust her card" at me. we have been through the rigmaroll of trust issues before, iv told her it takes 2 people to trust, her actions and that she needs to show me she can be trusted instead of this "get out of my business attitude" i have told her i have noticed it and she has said if it comes up anymore she will have to re-consider our relationship. help me on this one? i dont want to leave her, i dont want these dreams or thoughts n i dont want to feel like shes hiding something because my questions annoy her no matter how benign her friendships are with other men that she used to love, how do i get her to help me trust her and stop the "get out of my business" culture shes suddnely addopted??
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female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (18 January 2010):
 Your dreams are telling you something about your own feelings. Deep down, you are really insecure about the situation, and your brain is letting you know something that your heart isn't really willing to accept. This girl has a history of poor behavior, and the fact that she isn't willing to help you get over things is just a tell-tale sign that something is wrong. From my own personal experience, my boyfriend had a friend that he was mighty close to. Nothing happened but I began to feel highly uncomfortable about her behavior (repetitive calling, the way she addressed him, etc). I kept dreaming about the situation.
I finally confronted him about it and he did everything he could to make me feel better. He told me he wouldn't talk to her anymore if it made me that uncomfortable when I calmly told him about my feelings, and he was completely honest with me the entire time. I think that all couples have issues with a partner unintentionally making the other uncomfortable when it comes to the other gender, but what separates those who truly care for each other is how they resolve the issue. Your girlfriend doesn't seem like she cares about your feelings at all, and is even to the point where she is willing to go behind your back to see this guy. Not good.
I would leave her. Unless you think you can put up with a partner who lies and cheats, which some people sadly can, you really can't do anything else in this situation. You talked to her about the issue, and she doesn't seem to want to listen. You can't get her out of the attitude she's in right now, because it's what she really believes. She really believes that even though you are the person she's supposed to love, it's none of your business what she does with men she used to be with. Which is backwards as hell. There's no way out of this one without getting hurt one way or another. The only suggestion I have is to continue to badger her about what's going on, which will only make her more irritable and prone to lie more. Best of luck.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 January 2010):
Right, first of all, dump this girlfriend of yours. Not to put a point on it, but she's cheated on previous boyfriends, she' been lying to you about contact with her old flame, she's now meeting this guy form Iraq, which means she's after something from him, and now she's actually telling you to stay out of her business. She's not good at all. She is looking to cheat. So please dump her.
Your dreams are caused by your own lack of self esteem, caused by the fact that you've been hurt in the past. I think in turn that is making you pick women who aren't all that great because they show you some affection and you jump at it. You need to really focus on your own life right now. Get rid of this girlfriend, and get some counselling so you can get all these feelings out. Take your time getting to know other women, but maybe don't date until you feel more secure about yourself.
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