A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Call myself c and my daughters mother m. I'll try to keep things short. Our relationship was great before the child came and we even got engaged. I'm not great with women or people in general and I struggle just to hold a conversation to get a tip while I'm driving for uber/Lyft. But she never left me like previous relations. Then she got pregnant. I previously wasnt shu bout the fact I didnt like kids and never wanted them. And this happened. I remember exactly how excited I was and questioning myself for it at the same time. I tried but I was scared confused and just freaked about it. But i knew she was aswell more so because of my previous views. But we did it together she came my beautiful little monkey came and she was amazing. First couple weeks where rough as usual but m was seemingly worse. She claimed she had post pardon depression. I believed her I tried to do what I could. But I was shit. At times I neglected my fatherly duties after I get home from work (real job not uber/lyft). I hate myself to this day for that. She eventually got fed up. Heard from my sister after a night of going out with her she ended up making out with a random guy and leaving with him. She to this day denies anything more then kissing. But anyways I didn't confront her. I knew it was my fault for that night neglecting her and not fulfilling my role. I instead tried to step it up. Took her out. Told her how beautiful she is multiple times a day cook clean watch my monkey and just be what she wanted me to be as a father. But I came home from work one day and she asks to talk and essentially leaves me. Now we agreed on a 50/50 custody out of court and I get my daughter every 3 days. She ended up in a apartment with a mutual friend who I knew had a thing for her. I asked her not to hook up with him anyone else but him. I now lost a friend aswell since she is currently pregnant with his child and still claims she has nothing but love for me. Now years later I still feel the pain more so then when she initially left. And I'm struggling on the days I have my daughter. I have no idea what I'm doing but I love my daughter so much feels like shes all I got left. Dealing with the terrible 2s at the moment and Its been a year and a half since she left. I haven't been with anyone since. I'm struggling to parent and I just feel alone. I want something with someone but I feel like everything i even say to an attractive woman is wrong. How can u convince a woman that you're worth becoming a stepmom? I cant say I'm actually over my daughters mother but I'm trying to be. I'm just struggling. I get the thought my daughter will see me as the stereotypical douche dad. Prefer her stepdad over me who has serious issues (had to take his gun from him for a night after he drank himself to depression while his daughter was in another room). I dont know if she would be better off or just prefer to be with her step sister new half sister and stepdad over splitting time with me a single jack ass who cant get over her mother. I want to go out talk to women. Have a one nighter or start something. But I'm a dad and I feel wrong in the club scene or bar scene at the age of 29. Any advice on what i can do? Any women have advice? Would women actually want a relationship with someone who already has a kid?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 September 2018):
 Probably single mothers want a dad with a kid. Those who are done with more kids. Women without children might want men without children also. You have to be prepared to be someone else's stepdad too. I don't know why you call yourself douche dad. Your daughter is too young to understand adult relationships, but can sense positive and negative energy. You got her for 3 days a week. Do as much bonding as you can. I would worry about the depressed dad who drinks and holds a gun. I got confused about who that stepdad is. Is he the same person who's the mutual friend living with your ex?
I would not say it's wrong to start over and look for a mate. But in your post, it sounds like you want a girlfriend because your ex is having a boyfriend. Also you want someone to make you move on from your ex. Those are wrong reasons to start a new relationship and it would be unfair for the new woman if you bring in past baggage into the future. Be in a relationship because you enjoy all the aspects of it, then having a stepmom to your daughter would just be a bonus. You can't expect someone to be your daughter's babysitter right away. The right kind of woman would have so much love to give that being a mom to any kid feels natural for her.
Your ex made some rashful decisions. She left you to hook up with a depressive drunk who holds a gun and you are worrying about your daughter liking stepdad more. She's not sure if she can take care of her kid and now she's having another one. She can't blame post partum depression for the wrong choices in life. I would understand if she hooked up with a richer guy but not, she chose a depressed alcoholic and got pregnant by him. It's normal that you still care for her but realize that she made some reckless decisions and that shows what personality she has. I feel she ruined your life, and her daughter's life. I am telling you this so you can get over her faster and see with clear eyes who this person really is. Your relationship failed not because of you, but because she is a baby making machine who's not using her brain much.
I would start with a local single parenting support group. Those groups try to emphasize that they are not a dating group but would not discourage any from dating. You would mean single moms, single dads there. I think talking about children is a good way to open up.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (26 September 2018):
 If you and your ex have a good relationship, sit down in public to get on the same page about parenting. That's number one. If not, you'll struggle and give your daughter mixed messages. If your relationship with your ex isn't good, do it with a mediator, as it's what's best for your daughter.
Secondly, you want a woman who is good with kids, but not try to convince anyone to be a stepmother. Focus on being yourself and finding someone who is a good match for you long-term.
I think your best bet is to start going to a parenting club or meet up - not for dating, but to make friends with other people tackling parenthood.
Don't assume what would be better for your daughter if it comes from a place of self-doubt.
Start dating once you're over your ex, not before, and I'd advise against hook ups because they rarely help when the issue is much deeper. Give it time.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 September 2018):
 Sweetheart, I think you have got all your priorities a little twisted. Asking "How can u convince a woman that you're worth becoming a stepmom?" is just wrong. Your main priority is NOT to find a stepmom for your daughter. It is to find a partner for YOURSELF. While you and your daughter come as a unit, she already has a mom so doesn't need another one.
Now listen to this and listen carefully: NEVER EVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DAUGHTER. EVER. Are you listening? No matter how inadequate you feel as a father (and I am sure most parents have felt most of the emotions you are going through), you are still your daughter's father and that will NEVER change. Her mother obviously feels you are good enough to take care of a child which is also hers, so you can't be doing that much wrong. Nobody is perfect. Children don't come with instruction manuals (although men probably wouldn't read them if they did, lol!). We all learn as we go along and we all feel totally out of our depth at some point when our 2 year olds test the boundaries. Remember, this phase will pass. She will not be 2 forever. If you give up on her, she is likely to feel it is somehow HER fault and this could impact on her for life. Her own father not loving her enough to stay in her life? Put yourself in HER shoes.
You sound like you love your daughter deeply but are just struggling with the childcare part of parenting. Have you tried talking to her mother and asking for advice about specific aspects of her care/behaviour? Children need consistency so it is important that you both react the same way to her demands and both impose the same boundaries so as not to confuse her. Never underestimate how much children notice and how manipulative they can be once they learn that different rules apply in different households. For such a small being, they are remarkable astute. However, YOU are the adult so you CAN handle this.
Are there any groups in your area where parents with young children can meet up? This is a good way to meet others. In this way you can make friends and also get support and ideas on handling your daughter.
When you meet someone new, don't be afraid to admit "I am not very good at talking to people so please don't hold it against me if I say something I shouldn't or don't say something I should". People like honesty.
Good luck and hang in there. You daughter needs you. Give her a hug from me and appreciate every minute with her because, before you know it, she will be old enough to be moving on with her life and you will have missed all the joy of her childhood. You are a good father. Never forget that.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (26 September 2018):
 Stop beating yourself up mate. Thats the first piece of advice i'd like to give you. Parenting is equally tough sometimes as it is rewarding. The terrible twos is a REAL thing and most of us who have gone through it think we have shit parenting skills. Trying to reason with a two year old is like trying to reason with a rock. It is a phase, a testing and trying one, but you can get through it by implementing strategies of routine and follow through that both parents are willing to be on the same page. Have you though about taking some parenting classes? They can provide you with some very good support and at the very least know that you are not alone. This is called positive parenting. You are this little girls dad, dont allow yourself to give up on that by thinking she is better off with someone else. That is also giving up on her. Now as for women getting into relationships with men that have children. Well, thats up to the individual. I don't really think it is a child that turns them off as much as the drama that can sometimes come with it. Messy co parenting, crazy ex's and unfinished emotional hang ups is not inviting for anyone really. if you are not emotional ready to commit to a potential partner then it's really not fair is it? Remember you are entitled to a life, my advice would be not to cut yourself off from meeting women and enjoying their company but given your emotional state atm keep it honest, casual and uncomplicated. Wishing you well
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