A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:OK, so I've got two years on the 40-year-old virgin, even though nobody's made a movie about me yet.I am plagued my social anxiety, am withdrawn, and have gone on many first dates but few second ones. My long-time therapist actually believes that being intimate with a woman--like with a prostitute--would help me overcome many of my issues.I believe that love should come before sex. Still, as the years tick by, and I still haven't found ways to become closer to people, I wonder if maybe my therapist is right. Many of friends (yes I have a handful, all married) believe the same way.So, I figured Id ask the Agony Aunts and Uncles.Should I have sex, and give up my virginity, to either a prostitute or casual sex partner? Would that help me finally come out of my shell?THank you for your time and replies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2013): My x boyfriend went to one of those legal sex houses in reno or vegas I cant remember. He walked into one of those ranches I think that's what they are called and said he was relatively fresh and wanted to be intimate and with a women who would be kind and non judgmental. These women are professional and didn't take long to figure him out and help him. No body judges you there and they actually helped him raise is self esteem and reduce what you call social anxiety. They are regulated by law and the girls are checked out regularly and are disease free. Yes it will help you. But there are no guarantees if you know what I mean? good-luck..
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2013): I have anxiety just thinking about coming in contact with a prostitute and what kind of diseases they could have and all the hundreds of men and women before me. No, I would not want my first experience to be with a women like that. I am not so sure you have a very good therapist if she is suggesting such a thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2013): I'm not a therapist, but I don't think anyone who has posted here to critique or judge you is either. From a purely utilitarian perspective, it's not a bad idea. The fact of the matter is that most women in your age range will expect would-be partners to have some sexual experience and will find it a red flag if they learn you have none. I would assume your therapist has professional training and some grounds for making such a recommendation, but even if he or she didn't, I do think you could gain confidence and experience if you paid for a sexual encounter with the right woman. Note I said "right." I don't think a cheap fumble in the back of a car or an hourly motel is what you are looking for. As another poster suggested, you could probably gain the most from this by paying for the full "girlfriend experience" with a classy woman who will stay the whole night.
The moral side of this is something only you can decide. In a perfect world, yes, love would always come first, and it may well be worth it to you to hold out for this. Do consider though that even many young people who are in love with with each other before exchanging virginities don't end up together in the long run... there's often some trial and error involved. Having sex partners you didn't or wouldn't marry does not (in my opinion) make you any less of a person. Best wishes :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2013): i lost my viginity at26 to an escort and it helped me a lot.
what held me back with women was that id never kissed a girl let alone anything more. after learning to kiss and have sex i didnt feel inadequate.
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A
female
reader, HeresBoo  +, writes (11 May 2013):
 Sorry about the multiple answers but this ones been on my mind. I don't want to say DONT DO IT blah blah blah, it's entirely up to you, you know what your walls and barriers are in life and whether it's worth pushing them or letting go is up to you entirely, everyone it different. I'm just trying to get an opinion for you from my angle and my own experiences :)If you think a prostitute is what you need, go for it, just don't go in blind, and don't cheap out. Remember the high risk of sexually transmitted diseases etc, and choose someone who is as professional as possible.I also want to clarify that I have had psychs and therapists but just because they have done the courses doesn't mean they have all of the answers. You're therapist knows you and your story very well I assume, though.Hope all goes well
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male
reader, human_male  +, writes (11 May 2013):
 I was a thirty nine year old virgin and went to a prostitue. It didn't do anything for me in terms of helping with social anxiety. It's been four years and I still haven't had sex with someone without having to pay them, but I'm now over my social anxiety. The prostitues had nothing to do with it. I got over it by challenging it in small ways over time; getting involved with groups and going for a coffee here, or taking a class or course there ect. There's a website called Meetup.com you could look at.
I don't think having sex will have any huge impact on you, but saying that I don't think you need to hang on to your virginity until you find love either. Find a happy medium, someone you care about but isn't necessarily a life time partner. You might have to force yourself out of your comfort zone, but see it as ONE of the ways of challenging your social anxiety that you can do.
I wish you well. And remember all the therapy in the world won't help you unless you force yourself out of your comfort zone and start doing things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2013): OP your therapist knows the details of your case far better than us and would not have suggested this kind of thing if it wouldn't have a positive impact.
OP love before sex is fine and having a casual encounter isn't going to destroy that. You can stick to that when it comes to regular dating.
I mean come on, life isn't all about love you know. One night stands, FWB's, flings etc. are all a normal part of most people's sex lives. Surely you want to try those things out too at some stage in your life? Why not try that stuff now?
OP forget what we think really. We can't possibly give you accurate advice tailored to your specific needs like your therapist can. All we can give you is our own moral interpretation.
Anyone who gives you the "you should wait, love will come to you" bullshit has been watching too many rom coms. Firstly you're a guy, love doesn't come to us. We have to grab it by the tits and make it ours, so to speak.
Your therapist wouldn't have suggested it as a solution if fear of intimacy wasn't a very real issue for you.
Well OP at 40 fear of intimacy is not going to allow you to find love. You've been dating a while now OP and things aren't working out for you and when things are that way it's time to change things.
Would it help you come out of your shell? It may well do that OP, it's certainly worth giving a shot. If your therapist suggested it, a trained professional then it's worth a shot. I can tell you, once that elephant was out of the room for me getting with women was 10 times easier. Sex is no longer some special magical thing, it's nowhere near as amazing as you will have built up in your mind. It's awesome of course but it sounds like your virginity is like chains of solitude. And maybe you're still clinging onto the "someone special" idea and that's holding you back.
Trust your therapist OP and take the plunge.
My advice would be to pay a professional for the "girlfriend experience". Be willing to pay top dollar for a top quality woman and for the entire night so you can experience everything.
Not only do you not want some trafficked woman, drug addict or down in the dumps woman but the more you pay the better and safer the service.
I'm serious OP, you're talking about $1000+ for a good quality working lady who likes her job. But it's well worth the price.
There are plenty of young students who use prostitution as a means to pay for college OP, they're another option. They don't do drugs, they're definitely no trafficked, you're helping them make a better life for themselves by helping pay for their fees, plus they're young, beautiful and eager.
Don't believe anyone who tries to feed you some moral bullshit about paying for it. There are tonnes of normal women who do it because it pays well and it's a good living. They're not hard to find either if you're willing to pay good money and find one who is doing it independently.
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reader, HeresBoo +, writes (11 May 2013):
Furthermore, you say you believe in "sex before love" and I completely agree.
I lost my virginity to my current partner before I loved him and I have had sex but never 'made love' and I feel there is a big difference. I feel that the fact that sex came first in our relationship has been the reason we have struggled to define our love for each other.
This may not apply to you, but it's something to think about maybe.
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female
reader, HeresBoo +, writes (11 May 2013):
Your therapist does not sound very professional at all. I personally would not take advice on any subject from someone who thinks sleeping with a prostitute will cure social anxiety.
I would not throw away my values for something like this that MIGHT work and I might regret.
The choice is yours, but I would seriously consider all possible pros and cons of taking this road.
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