| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi Everyone!Quick question here:When I was dating my ex-bf I told him that I had smoked weed with some friends a few times before we started dating (I was 21 at the time and had smoked a total of 7 times in my life) and he FREAKED out, and said, "I can't believe you would do that, you're not the person I thought you were, etc., etc." and of course that made me upset…I haven't smoked since (that was two years ago) but I'm moving to Washington in a couple months and I'm thinking about doing it again (not more than once or twice a month) since it is legal there, but I was just wondering if a lot of people find that off-putting in a partner? Do some of you view past (or current) marijuana use as a "deal-breaker" or anything like that? Even if it's legal?Thanks!PS. I am not, and will NEVER be, a "pot-head"…I'm about to graduate with my Masters and have always been very hard-working...
View related questions:
my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): I wouldnt want my bf to do it on a regular basis but recreationally, maybe once or twice a year is okay. But i would prefer no drugs at all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014): Would I care if my partner smoked weed in the past? No. Present? Yes.
I think that weed should be optional, as long as it doesn't interfere with the rest of your life and you're responsible with it. I don't think weed should be smoked daily unless it's a medical necessity, but it's a personal choice - I won't judge.
I do not think the same goes for most drugs.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): Thanks everyone for your answers :)I guess it's important for me to remember that everyone is different. The weird thing with my ex was that in the VERY beginning (first few weeks) of our relationship, I TOLD him I had smoked weed before, but at that point he didn't really care, or wasn't paying attention, or something.Then 3 MONTHS into our relationship he started asking me about it and got really upset about it…it just caught me off guard. Then again, he was pretty jealous/possessive and I dodged a bullet by breaking up with him, anyway.It sounds like most people don't view it as a big deal so I guess I just got a bit unlucky with that guy.And no, he wasn't religious at ALL…I still don't fully understand it, because so many people have tried weed without any negative repercussions, including his own dad…
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 April 2014):
 Ok here is where I stand on it… I have lots of friends who do not use, some because it’s illegal, some because they don’t want to smoke, some because they don’t like the feelings from it. NONE of my friends begrudge me my use. I use DAILY. I guess you would call me a pot-head or a stoner. I think it needs to be legal and treated just like alcohol.
I think that it also will go the way prohibition did in the past and eventually it will be legal and regulated and taxed and the question you ask will hold the same weight as if asking “would you be bothered to learn that your bf/gf drank alcohol in the past?”
THIS stoner, holds down good job. I show up at work daily. When I do take off it’s for other reasons; it’s never to stay home and smoke. My house is clean. My body is well cared for. I hold no debt other than cars and my home. I am actually rather annoyed that those who are against it (different than those who choose NOT to use and don’t care if I do or not) try to portray those of us who use it as useless members of society who will be a drain and a burden should it be legal.
I actually want to be the poster child for the congressional hearings I’m sure will occur later on in this decade or the next.
Yes it’s federally illegal. It’s legal in Washington State and Colorado. It’s also decriminalized in 17 states now. (Maryland just passing their law for it) Many states AND Washington DC have medical marijuana laws. The pot we can get now is NOT the stuff I got in high school (back in the 70s). POT now is grown for medical reasons and if you go to www.leafly.com you will see that you can search for which strains will address your issues from pain to anxiety to stress to ADHD or depression.
I have discussed this with my doctors (yes it’s in my medical records that I use it daily for pain) and they have all said “ok”. My internist is mostly worried about my having the munchies and gaining weight… and wonders if my back doctor will write the scrip for me when its medically legal here or if she will have to handle it.
My other doctors are like “it needs to be legal” and are thrilled that using it daily keeps me off of addictive narcotics. I NEVER have to smoke it and on a trip back in January I went from Saturday morning till Tuesday night without it which sadly necessitated the use of addictive narcotics to control my pain. Thankfully I was able to stop those as soon as I got home.
I think that if you indulged a few times that is fine. If your partner said these things to you about alcohol would you be asking the same question or is it just because it’s still illegal?
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 April 2014):
 @male reader: in what sense " weed hasn't got anything to do with religion "?... Maybe if you are a rastafarian :).
For Catholics, it is a sin. See Catechism of Catholic Church , 2290/2291. ANY kind of drugs. Of course it's worse if you have a lifelong heroin habit than if you smoked a joint once, but the idea is that no, if you are a Catholic you don't do it ( except for strictly therapeutic use with legal prescription ). For Muslims, there's debate if it is " haram " ( absolutely forbidden big deal ) or just " makrah " ( despicable, vile )- but anyway, ditto, you are not supposed to do it. I am not sure about other religions, but only between Catholics and Muslims we've already put together about 2 billions people of this planet who , at least officially and in theory, would not be supposed to touch the stuff because of a religious prohibition. Heck, the main ( only ? ) reason why weed has not been legalized yet in Italy it's because the Vatican would not like it and would kick a huge fuss !, how can you say that religion has got nothing to do with it ?
Anyway : yes, OP, some people would be put off by a past ( or worse, present ! ) use of weed. Why are you surprised ? the same applies to the use of ... mostly everything. Alcohol, tobacco, casual sex, guns or Justin Bieber concerts. Some people would have a problem if you were divorced, or a single mother, if you had a previous conviction even for a misdemeanour, if you ever had experimented with a woman, if you had ever had an abortion, or gone bankrupt , or even ever gone hunting or eaten red meat. Or, if you had worn white shoes after Labour Day.
Evertybody 's got their dealbreakers, their sets of moral and social rules, their expectations from a partner.
This guy has obviously his own views about how acceptable weed is (to him is NOT, ever ) so he was displeased and disappointed to find out that they don't match with yours. same as you were upset when you found out you see things very differently from this point of view.
Now, you want to know how many would share this guy 's position re. occasional past toke as a deal breaker.
I'll have to just guess, and I'd say, no, really not many in your age range. But , it depends - it would vary hugely according to age , and also culture, location, RELIGION,social environment and who knows how many variables.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 April 2014):
 Anon male reader - before you carte blanche attack my post for being "idiotic", I've been in the fundamental religious circles - you either mention "drugs" or "fornication" among young adults or teens, and the reaction to it is like the plague. Doing marijuana "once" is grounds for a near-exorcism or weeks of "counseling" to get the sin out of the church. Trust me, it SOUNDS idiotic, but that doesn't mean that the mindset doesn't exist. I have seen it firsthand. Usually, hard drugs are the straw man erected to keep the focus off of "sins" and hypocrisy that hits much closer to home.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 April 2014):
 I wouldn't be upset.
I would however not date a casual pot smoker either. I saw what it did to my brother many years ago. It started out quite casual.
But if I was dating someone who had tried it a few times? Not a big deal for me.
For others it might. So maybe he just isn't for you?
Even if pot is legal in WA, doesn't mean they don't test (like YouWish said) FEDERAL law. and it CAN take 45-90 to clear your system.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): Weed isn't anything to do with religion , idiotic post there YouWish ;). However, for some people drugs are a bigger deal and if someone is completely anti-drugs and had assumed you were too then found out you weren't it would indeed be a shock and the person would reevaluate because for them they'd think that your values were too different. It was obviously big for him, it's not weird, everyone has their own 'must-nots'at least he didn't sexually judge you.
...............................
A
female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (22 April 2014):
 Your ex associates smoking weed with having poor judgement. Which is why he said "you're not the person I thought you were". While it's not addictive, so it CAN be used in moderation, a lot of people still overuse it. So the assumption of overuse or being a "pothead" is often made about anyone who uses it AT ALL.
I don't judge people who use it, and I certainly wouldn't have a problem being with someone who occasionally uses it. Moderation is truly the key. Even stuff that's good for you becomes bad when overused. Take antioxidants as an example. The right amount is GREAT for your immune system, but too many can actually weaken it.
Anyway, I think no different of someone who occasionally smokes weed than someone who has the occasional drink. I don't see weed as "worse" just because it's illegal where I live. And if you're moving to a place where it's legal, then you should have little to no issue finding someone who is accepting.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (22 April 2014):
Your ex sounds like a wierdo. BTW I live in Washington and people here obviously don't care, especially younger people.
Either way if you can't be yourself with someone they're the wrong person.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (22 April 2014):
 I think your ex boyfriend sounds quite immature and judgmental. I don't smoke, but to each their own. I don't find it a big deal at all. Hell, my partner could tell me that they'd been hooked on coke for years and are now clean, and I would be proud of them for quitting. I don't judge people for their past or decisions they've made. That's not my place.
The things you've done in your past are nothing to be ashamed of. They've molded you into who you are today. If he is that judgmental to say you're a bad person and not who he thought you were, then that's his loss. because I don't think that makes you remotely a bad person. Go do what ever the hell you want and don't worry about what people who don't matter think about it.
PS: wasn't aware it was legal in Washington? Just thought in colorado? I'm so out of the loop.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 April 2014):
Was the guy ultra-religious?? Are you ultra-religious? This would be a normal reaction in a sheltered Fundamentalist environment.
I would find it a dealbreaker to date a current pot smoker, but that is primarily because I don't date smokers of marijuana or tobacco. I have nothing against them, and I've dated people who have used it in the past. I have an aunt who deals it, to be honest. I don't see her much, but I am fond of her because she was good to me as a kid. I've never tried it myself, because I *did* come from an ultra-strict religious background. My brothers both have smoked, and my younger brother is a habitual smoker. It's just not for me.
Your ex needs to get a grip, but yes, I imagine you smoking will be a dealbreaker for some. However, there are those who your smoking would make you be more compatible. I'd be careful though - if you live in the US, even though state laws in Colorado and Washington are changing, FEDERAL law hasn't. It's funny you wrote this - my brother and I were just amused that yesterday is considered a holiday for the probation officers out there: "OFFICIAL DRUG TESTING DAY".
You know why, right? 4/20 was a big smoke-up day, so 4/21, the drug labs were working overtime to go testing gallons of urine for THC. heh.
...............................
|
