A
female
age
30-35,
*ngridVivi
writes:Some background: I have been seeing a 39 year old man for over a year, we both come from very different social backgrounds, he has never lived overseas. I come from Sweden originally, have lived in various countries and am still dealing with culture shock. Our interactions are not purely physical, I can talk with him easily and feel comfortable. I live in London, he lives in Manchester, however we see each other once a month. We have both met each other's friends. He occasionally confides his feelings to me. But never has he told me he loves me or expresses his affections to me in words, I don't expect him to. A recent development is that he's booking tickets to go on a 3 week vacation with me while I'm working in China for summer. He won't know anyone else in the country apart from me. For me, this is very strange. I am very used to casual sex partners and never has it been a problem before, it stays strictly casual, apart from now.I really do like him, he's a good man, but I know if he doesn't want to be my boyfriend, I will not force him. But lately, I do feel I'm forcing him. I told him recently, I am tired of this undefined messing around, he needs to tell me what he expects of me, to be direct. He put his response off, it is normal of him to delay replying to me and asked me what brought this on.In October, I will have to move to Canada for a year, so again we will be apart, perhaps this is good. Should I call everything off with him now and cut all contact? I feel like I'm just there for the fun of it and company until he finds something better. I have been feeling like a glorified friend's with benefits for a while now. Some days I'm fine with it. When I am not fine with it, it nags at me, I'm distracted by it almost every hour of the day. But this vacation plan has thrown me off completely. He won't tell me what he wants from me. Many thanks to all who have read this and all who answer. (Sorry this is so long!) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, IngridVivi +, writes (27 January 2015):
IngridVivi is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for your help everyone. An update is I have been in a relationship with this man for the past 8 months. Once I'm done with an internship I'm currently finishing off abroad I have been invited to meet his mother. Things are well and happy. :-)
A
female
reader, IngridVivi +, writes (23 April 2014):
IngridVivi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you CindyCares. Your advice and guidance of what I should be asking him are very helpful. I will ask him this when I see him tomorrow, as I've arranged a lunch date to discuss this with him. Many thanks again.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 April 2014):
 You don't sound like a glorified FWB to me. You sound like a normal garden-variety FWB.
I have written this other times on Dear Cupid and my apologies for who's sick and tired of reading it , but :
I wonder why apparently some girls - many - seem to think that casual sex = animal coupling.
It's Friends with benefits, OP, not Strangers with Benefits, or Enemies with Benefits, or People who won't even -speak- with -each -other- with -benefits .
There's nothing strange if the man with whom you have regular, albeit infrequent, sex with, also shows you some warmth, some camaraderie, some kindness. Some humanity. It's normal, it's part of the job description. FWB means no committment, no monogamy, no obligations, ... but it does not mean never being friendly, or never having a convo out of bed, or never giving you a hug or, I don't know, getting you a cup of coffe.
Instead , some girls, including you, seem to imply that either it is just in and out, shoot a load , and go home- , or " he must be wanting more " or " must be catching feelings ".
No, OP, if they'd wanted more they'd tell you , particularly at 39 years of age. And there's no Book of Hook Ups which says , if you shag a girl casually you MUST be a jerk and treat her with cold indifference or open rudeness the moment you have ejaculated. It's not forbidden to take your FWB for a walk, or to tell her a funny story about something that happened yesterday at work, or generally act human.
Op, you've met this guy a dozen times in total. You have not just had intercourse together, you may have chatted, or talked on the phone, or gone for a meal. This means that he is a decent guy, and that , in small doses, he also likes your company , not just your private parts. But, if in one year, he has not taken things to the next level, he has not asked to date you, or to be your bf, he has not offered any committment, not talked about a possible future with you ,.... all chances are that he likes things as they are, nice and casual, very casual. A visit a month, some fun times together, no obligations, no plans, no promises, no exclusivity.
His vacation to China would seem though to mean more ... why would he be spending 3 weeks in China with you ?. I don't know, OP, maybe because you WILL be in China and he can stay at yours without breaking his piggybank to pay an hotel ? maybe because you can show him around, and help him with stuff, and translate for him ? Because, as much as China must be a very interesting place, a long vacation may become a bit lonely and even boring at night if you are on your own, and it gets much better if you have there a young attractive sexy friend to sleep with ? Are you even sure it's born, and it's seen , as a vacation WITH you, or, he would be doing his tourist thing and go around town , or around the country, and report occasionaly to base for a quick meal, a quick shower and a quick shag ?...
Anyway, OP, I may be wrong, and actually I would be very glad to be proven wrong, so why don't you just ask him, rather than playing guessing games ? Why don't you make him tell you, why did he choose to spend 3 weeks with you, or at yours, and if this changes what's between you and how ? Why don't you ask him where does he see all this going ?.... No, it's not pushy, after ONE YEAR of hanging out, you are legitimated in wanted a general view of how things are . Also in view of your imminent trip abroad, you've got to make your decisions, so you want them to be informed decisions, nothing wrong with that.
Only, as Cerberus says, remember than only YES ! means yes. All the rest ... " I like what we have now " ... " We don't need to put a label on this " etc.etc. is evasive bullshit. It's bullshit in UK, and in Sweden equally.. and probably in China too !
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 April 2014):
 YOU are NOT a "glorified" FWB you are an FWB in full glory.
FWB means FRIENDS with benefits... not BENEFITS of friendly people... people who are friends can do this... you are thinking of fuck buddy where there is NOTHING but sex...
When you move..the benefits are over.. the friendship can remain....
If you want to know if he wants to be your boyfriend and you ask him and he blows you off...that's your answer.. NO he does not.
MEN in general will know within 3 months of being with a person if she's 'the one" or if they want something more serious... if after a year of fun and games it's going nowhere...that's all it is... fun and games.
My husband and i were NSA/FWB when we first started which suited me fine. HE thought it suited him too... till he fell in love with me... within 4 months of our LDR (2 hours apart) we knew it was getting serious... and within a year of starting he had given up his apartment of 10 years and moved 2 hours away to be with me. He married me a year later...
If he loved you and wanted more than FWB YOU would know it.
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A
female
reader, IngridVivi +, writes (22 April 2014):
IngridVivi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Cereberus for your honest and straight forward answer. I highly appreciated this and this is what I needed to hear, whether I like the idea of it or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): just to add: It's been a year, that's a hell of a long time for a casual thing. If he had any feelings for you whatsoever he would have made it official a long time ago but he can't and he won't.
Seriously, Ingrid, a year. He's just not in love with you no matter what he says because he'd rather lose you than make this official. But yeah, he'll try every trick in the book to keep you, say everything you want to hear except what really matters. Are you strong enough to walk away if he sweet talk you more? because so far you haven't been.
Remember actions speak louder than words, his actions are not those of a man who is in love with you, just an older dude with some tasty young Swedish pussy on the side.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): You know exactly what he expects from you, Ingrid, some sex and good times with no commitment.
What you really mean when you say you don't know what he expects is that you want him to say he wants more but he never will. He also won't answer the question because if he tells you the truth you'll walk away and well what 39 year old man would want to lose his source of fresh, young Swedish pussy?
I bet you my house if you decided to call it quits he'd pull ye olde 'not now but maybe in the future' line out of his ass and you'd fall for that one too.
Ingrid he's 39, he can't have a proper relationship with you, you're an embarrassment to him because you're too young. You can be his bit of fun, his friends will pat on him on the back for getting some young pussy but that's all you'll ever be to this man and you know it.
You think you can be together in something serious? become a part of his life, be introduced as his girlfriend to people? Not a hope in hell. you're young enough to be his daughter and it's not socially acceptable, the women in his life will have no respect for him if he even attempted it, depending on his job he could get a nasty reputation too. You're good for a fuck and a nice distraction from life he can play girlfriend to while he finds a woman he can actually be with.
I'm only 9 years older than my wife and I was only late 20's when we started dating and it was tough, but I look young and she looks mature so people didn't judge us too much or too often but it still happened. With him he will become a social pariah. It's all well and good that people meet you fleetingly as his fuck toy, but the longer they are around you the more they will see how truly young you are, they will be embarrassed to be around him if you and he became something serious and he knows all this. If you think hard enough you know it too. I mean you can't exactly bring a 39 year old man to be a part of your social group full time, he'd be bored and feel like a paedophile too.
It's all well and good as a casual thing because he doesn't have to deal with that, and he can even act like your boyfriend on his 3 week sex break with you too but it'll never be anything more.
Ingrid did you come here hoping one of us would have some kind of romantic story or advice that means you can get what you want from this guy? or do you realise that it's never going be anything more and you quite literally are just going to be hurt?
because you've broken the rules of casual, you've gained feelings which means casual doesn't exist.
For the record, FWB means he can act like your boyfriend all he wants, it doesn't mean anything without the commitment and he's never going to give you that and you know it. He'll just give you false hope to keep your young legs open.
Time to bite the bullet and tell him how you feel, tell him you can't go on like this. He will definitely tell you maybe in the future, but that's not enough, OP, it's a cop out. A ploy to keep you hanging on. It's time you laid your heart on the table and told him what you want, because if he can't give it you then you have to move on.
Do not let him worm his way out of giving you a definite answer, Ingrid. Only a yes is a yes. Maybe, I'm not sure, I like what we have now, I really like you, I'm not ready, I just don't want a relationship right now, they're all no's and you should not accept a no and continue on.
So that's it, you have two choices: Continue being his fuck puppet hoping you can be together all the while falling ever more in love and getting ever more hurt or have it out with him and walk if he can't give you what you want.
He's not the only guy in the world you know.
And next time you do the casual sex thing, walk as soon as you get the first hint of feelings, it wouldn't have been casual in the first place if he was willing to be serious with you.
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