A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 5 years now and are pretty open, relaxed etc. and have never had any major, serious arguments. The only thing that is not perfect is that he watches porn.Now I am not unreasonable; I don't want my boyfriend to stop watching porn, because I understand that guys generally have a higher libido and need to satisfy themselves more often. Also i understand that, to most guys, porn/masturbation is a completely different thing to real-life sex, a different sensation and a quick relief. Thats all fine with me.My boyfriend's porn-watching habits are pretty standard, i'm not concerned that he watches it too much. Also we have talked openly about porn and I have said that its fine for him to watch it, as long as i am satisfied too! (ie. as long as it doesn't get in the way of our sex life together). I am not lazy; I am the one who instigates trying new things in bed, I always ask him what he wants and we have sex almost every day- everything is great there..However! My problem is that I want to accept my boyfriend watching porn occasionally, but I kind of can't. I can't work out for myself the exact reasons why I feel hurt and get upset/annoyed/angry with him when he does. And I hate the feeling of disconnection from him that I have when he watches porn. I've tried to explain how i feel to him, but it is a problem of my own that I need to sort out- but I don't know how??!!Another side issue is the fact that porn is so secretive- I get it, no guy wants to answer "what did you do today?" with, "well i jacked off to this hot chick while you were out...". I understand that every relationship should have it's boundaries, because we all need a private private life! But the fact that I know he lies about it or covers it up makes my trust for him go down-- I know i'm just a crazy girlfriend but i'll admit thats what it does. It's just such a shady subject- one that I find women's magazines do not approach often enough, if at all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): Thanks for your thoughts, you really understood what I was trying to say and the woman you quoted has really hit the nail on the head too.
I completely agree, I think he just doesn't understand that I am not angry at him for watching porn every now and then, so he feels like he should hide it from me to make the both of us feel better -when really that is my problem! I think that however much I explain that to him, what I should really do is just respect his boundaries and, like you say, just assume that this is happening. Eventually I could get used to that I suppose!
I really agree with the following argument...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
that people are either extremely for or against porn; there needs to be a middle ground where the men are not completely secretive about what they're doing and the women are not completely crazy and insecure about their men watching porn every now and then!
I find the title given to this question a bit misleading, I would never demand that my boyfriend stop watching porn, I respect him and that is not my aim at all. I understand that the title is just setting the discussion though, but wanted to make that clear!
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (1 February 2011):
 I'm willing to bet that if he didn't cover it up, then your few issues would vanish. It's hard, because it isn't just something we bring up. Would it make a difference to you if you just assumed he's doing it? When you ask, is he still open? It sounds that way.
Honestly, I think you've got a good plan, and being open and honest is great. I think that if you explain that his hiding his porn use makes you feel bad, he may relax more and not hide it.
Some people are don't ask, don't tell. In fact, a lot are like that. Decide what you want from him, and talk to him about it. Make your expectations clear and see if he will live up to them.
Here's a thread from a woman with almost the same problem. I'm going to quote a portion for you too. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
"And that has touched upon the main reason porn bothered me. I gave so much, and i really honestly love getting my guy off. So when he does it himself it sometimes feels like he's taking that pleasure away from me. Which i guess is why it seemed like i wasn't good enough. "
Perhaps your issue is similar when you dig deep enough.
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