A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello I'd like some advice please. My boyfriend and I have been having problems for a few months now due to the fact he is a compulsive liar and was talking to other girls inappropriately. I went round to see him yesterday with the intention of trying to work things out, but when I told him I was still struggling to trust him over some things he got mad and told me he is sick of me making him feel bad. Which I probably have but that's because each week recently there is a new lie or half truth to deal with.He was shouting at me yesterday and said I either drop it immediately and never mention the fact he lied/the trust is broken again, or I end it, to which I said fine we're over and left his house. I was upset at first but more shocked at the way he responded and how he refused to discuss my concerns or work on anything. He just wanted to reset everything and go back to when things were ok. Or when I didn't know what he had been up to anyway.However, now he has been back in touch apologising for what was said and he wants to see me today. So he's acting like we are still together. I hate the way things ended after 7 years together, so I'd like to speak to him, but I don't want to go round there again. Would it be awful if I finally confirmed the break up over the phone? Or should I go round?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): Dealing with a person who can't tell the truth doesn't give you the ability to build a foundation of trust.
Relationships are held together by trust, and nurtured by love. Eventually, habitual liars exhaust all their chances of forgiveness. If they know you to be a fair and forgiving type of person; they'll push the envelop. They'll see it as your weakness.
They'll become so spoiled-rotten; they'll believe that everything or anything they do is forgivable. No matter how many times they repeat the same offense; you should have a bottomless-well of forgiveness. That is, "if you love them?!!" Perhaps it may be true that love is unconditional. However; relationships can only survive under "certain conditions."
Those conditions being: trust, devotion, mutual affection, fairness, loyalty, respect, compromise; and a full reciprocation of all you put into it. Remove any of these vital elements, and you weaken the relationship. It will subsist on constant fighting and incompatibility. Until it finally breaks. That's where you are now.
Some people honestly believe in all their royal selfishness; that you should have an infinite amount of forgiveness for whatever they say and do that hurts you. Yes, if you're a fool! In fairness, you should turn the other cheek; because we all make human mistakes. If they're reckless with your feelings; that means they don't give a sh*t! If they lie and cover it up, they'll do it again.
You only have two cheeks! These same people won't budge when the shoe is on the other foot; when it's time for you to be given another chance. His reaction is an indication that you've let him slide far too many times. You feel helpless in your relationship. That's why people nag. When they feel powerless. When they feel desperate or hopeless. It's a form of pleading to be acknowledged. It's weakness.
My dear lady, what they forget is that you love yourself too! You can do bad all by yourself!!!
If you're the clingy insecure type? You've reached your expiration date, and he's fed-up with it. Even if you forgive him, you'll remain the same as you are now. It will always comeback to this. No one can endure needy people indefinitely. They drain your spirit. They can't change over-night. It takes time to overcome insecurity.
Of course everyone will regret the things we say in a fit of rage. Only, the liar becomes sweeter once they realize you've had enough, and this is it. They pour on the charm and try to get back on your good-side. Perhaps you've
allowed him too many free passes. His account is overdrawn!!! He'll try to convince you this is all your fault! Yet another lie!
You've told him it was over. He says he's sorry for shouting. Good! He owes you that apology. Unfortunately; one apology doesn't erase all the lying and pain he caused you. Until you got so hurt, that you got-up the courage to go to him and state your case. You've reached your saturation-point. It's not wise to go beyond that point. Then it becomes self-destruction.
After all that you've put up with, he yelled and commanded you to drop it, or end it. Who's decision was it not to discuss it? You came to talk and try to work it out.
He's sick of you making him feel bad? How many times has he made you feel bad?
You have no respect or equality in that relationship. You are a pain in the ass with your persistent whining and complaining about his lying. You put up with it too long, until you get on his nerves. You should have dumped his ass long ago, but instead you let it go on and on and on. Until he expects you to do it every-time. Then on top of it, you're so needy for a man, you put your own feelings and needs aside to be concerned about his? Seriously?!!
You owe that man neither a call nor a visit! All you owe him is silence. You're back-peddling; because you're emotionally-dependent on having a man. Only, he's a liar and you can't even trust him. What makes him worth another trip to his place? Only to yell back in your face, when you don't forgive him as he demanded...no "commanded" you to do? Excuse me, forgiveness is voluntary! It's not something you demand from people!
Stick by your guns. It is time to move on with your life before you waste more of your prime years. You need some time-off for self-improvement and growth as a woman/person. They call it independence. Remember that? Had any lately? When's the last time you felt your own strength and power? Well, sister, it's in your hands now!
Your maintenance and repair as a woman is far overdue; and way behind schedule! If you've stuck it out with a liar, it was out of desperation. Something needs fixing, girlfriend!
YOU!!! Not him. He's just fine. He thrives on lies!
You have no self-confidence, and you don't realize your self-value. You are too submissive, and allowed him to bully you. All because you've relinquished your equality within your partnership. You don't know your own strength anymore. You depend on his. Only he overpowers you, instead of empowering you!
No, do not go back. You'll just cave-in and give him yet another chance; when he pleads and sweet-talks you like he has so many times in the past. He'll simply dismiss your feelings by saying "you're" forgiven. Like coddling a spoiled-child. Time to take a stand. I think he's gotten the message. He apologized, that's all you need to hear.
NO CONTACT!!!
A
female
reader, MSA  +, writes (4 January 2015):
 At the moment you are very angry with him. Maybe give it a week for the both of you to calm down. Don't see him, talk, or text him. During this week, take time out to see if you miss him, if you still love him. Think about to what extent did he lie and just exactly HOW inappropritely did he talk to other girls. Was it just talk or was there other actions involvled? Can you forgive him?
You'll need to be able to answer these questions before you decide whether to stay with him or not. If you choose to stay with him then yes, you should 'reset' and not bring the past up anymore. If you choose to break up, then at that point I'm sure you'd be ready to talk to him face to face.
Best of luck!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 January 2015):
 I would go round. If you seriously don't think you want to continue, I think ending it face to face is the "right" thing to do, specially after 7 years together. However, if he is GOOD at manipulating you or you don't feel safe going, then call him and do it over the phone.
He MAY want you to "just" reset to happier days, but that is not how life works, or we would all be in Kindergarten.
Apologizing isn't doing anything for you, I presume. My guess is these things have been going on for quite some time and he thinks apologizing fixes everything, however, you know it doesn't.
What I don't get is this, IT was OK for him to talk inappropriately with other girls and MAKE you feel like shit, but you being HONEST with him and telling him that these actions made you lose your faith and trust him, WAS NOT.
If that is how he sees it, then he doesn't think talking to other girls inappropriately is wrong, that there is a whole other set of "rules" for him, then there is for you.
My guess is he lied because he was cornered. AND because lying to YOU has worked before. Does that make it OK? no.
After 7 years together, he should be ABLE to be honest with you. And you should be able to be honest with him.
So if you are certain that you are done, then call him and talk. He can as easily lie to you on the phone as he can face-to-face.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): He's not done the emotional work of facing up to the reality of what he's really like and, to avoid doing this, he's putting pressure on you to basically act as if none of it ever happened. Men can be like this at any age, as age doesn't necessarily indicate emotional maturity.I wouldn't even 'phone him personally. Just drop him out of your mind altogether. He's strung you along for 7 years, keeping you in a suspended state really, because he's not been honest with you and so there's no real way you could ever know where you were 'at' with him.If he gets angry that you're not responding just send a text saying "I meant what I said the other day, we're through." You will waste your time explaining over and again to someone like this why what they've done is unacceptable - you'll either get the 'stop making me feel bad' attitude (and have to put up with feeling like the archetypal nagging girlfriend, which you wouldn't have to if you were with someone reasonable, or he'll just expect you to 'blank it all out' in your own mind, which could lead to someone going insane, quite frankly.Consider it a lesson learned and realise your own self esteem will be low for a while and you'll feel insecure until you get over him. That's why you're uncertain about what to do now and frightened of doing something wrong. Trust me, you need to get this idiot out of your life and raise your self esteem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): Hi there is a lot of hurt flying around at the moment .You both need time to calm down and make sure the break up is what you both Excatly want .There has to be trust or it won't work .When there has been broken trust and you still stay tog it causes friction between you .Sometimes things can never go back to how they were .I myself was cheated on and I stayed with the person I questioned every thing .You hav to be honest with your self if u can move forward then work it out but if u know in ur heart you hav doubt then it's time to move on .But if you can
Not face him then write a letter your feelings will flow out as he isn't there to interrupt you .
I wish you luck !!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): You don't need to go round. You just respond to his texts and confirm that as you said yesterday, it's over.
Going there won't lessen the pain for either of you. It will just complicate things
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