A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I dated a guy for 1 year. During that time, we never had sex because I was unsure about his intentions, even though he told me that he loved me, so I do realize that some of this is my problem! Towards the end of our year, he began showing interest in another woman. I initiated the break up when it was clear he found her attractive and was chatting with her, and though he denied his interest in her, he did move on to her and has been in a relationship for the past year with her. Skip forward to this year. He invited me out last night and told me he recently broke things off with her, saying she was a party girl, drank all night long, and not his type. He wants to try again with me.Would it be a good idea to give this relationship another chance, or am I just the rebound girl? How do you know what a guy really wants to be with you, and not just use you for something till another girl comes along?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2020): "Would it be a good idea to give this relationship another chance, or am I just the rebound girl?"
I'd give this some serious thought, if I were in your shoes!
Let me clue you in on a few things, girlfriend! He went from you straight to this woman!!! Then he swings back?!! That's how some guys get themselves through a breakup painlessly. Some guys just don't deal with heartbreak, the separation-anxiety; or the nasty withdrawal you feel from detachment after a breakup. Instead, they fill-in the gap; and keep sex available when they want it. They don't have to deal with the emotions brought-on by the breakup. Thus they can bypass any feeling of rejection, keep his ego/pride intact; and not bother facing their own faults or feelings about it. As long as they find themselves a convenient replacement; they never feel what it's like to suffer after a breakup. Like when he had her conveniently waiting in the wings; when you broke-up with him the first-time. He was working on it, all the while in the background. He probably had her on-hold.
You wouldn't have even mentioned the term "rebound girl;" unless that was how you're feeling. As if you'll do in a pinch; since she decided she didn't want to keep him. Now he's back? She probably never trusted him; because he left you so easily, and probably cheated with her to boot!
I might get in trouble for my frankness; but women in their late 30's, 40's, and over are very difficult to advise. Especially, when it comes to men, relationships; and dealing with their stubborn-emotions. Younger-women will heed our advice; because they feel somewhat confident they can always find another man. Their age is not considered a hindrance, or an obstacle. Mature-women are more apt to! I'm only speaking in generalities, it's purely theoretical. Let's say my experience with the matter is pretty consistent.
Why are you still single? Were you waiting for him?
I don't advocate recycling exes; because you leave them for a reason. It's seldom any better the second go-round; and the fact he had her on his mind when he was with you should make you extremely cautious. If not disgusted!
Make a sensible decision. I will only say this. I would tell him take a walk! I'm nobody's second-choice!!! That's beneath my dignity, and I only recycle what goes in the recycling bin! I don't even want to be friends, but I'll always be civil and polite if our paths ever cross. Just keep stepping, but you won't catch me looking back at you!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2020): You have no idea of what he tells you about this girl is true or false, if she was so unsuitable why was he happy to spend so much time with her? For all you know she dumped him.
You need to understand that men can say all sorts and sometimes do all sorts just to get into a girl's knickers. He may have got bored with no sex, many men do. The same would happen again if you get back together. If he says all of the right things he could be lying. So what is the point? The same thing applies to any man, whether it is an ex returning or a new man, you need to understand that lots of couples of sex without any commitments, seriousness or guarantees about the future. Even if the commitments are made there is no way of being sure the person means it or will stick to it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (19 July 2020):
 What he is saying is "I found someone I thought was better than you. Things didn't work out, so now I am going back to my Plan B, because you are better than nothing". You deserve to be someone's No 1, not their fallback, their safety net, their Plan B.
While he may not have cheated on you physically, he definitely cheated on your emotionally if it was clear enough to you that he fancied this woman while you were together that you broke up with him on those grounds. You did the right thing. If they are hankering for someone else, let them go there. Well done for being strong back then. Now you need to be strong again.
I believe the universe sends people into our lives to teach us lessons. If we don't learn the lesson the first time, those people will return into our lives and hurt us again and again until we learn the lesson. You have another chance to get hurt. You already know, despite his declarations of love for you, he is happy to move on to someone else when the opportunity presents itself. If you felt unsure of his intentions the first time around, how will you fell now, based on what happened?
In your shoes I would say something to him along the lines of "Thank you for considering me when you had no better offers but I have decided I am worth better than that." Then wish him well and move on with your life.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (19 July 2020):
 A year seems a long time to give intimacy a wide berth because you were unsure of his intentions.
No matter who's fault it was you were together for a year and nothing materialised during this time, so the chances are nothing is going to be any different the second time around.
Thing never worked out with you, so he then meets who he says was a party girl who drank to much.
So i think this guy is rebounding, and will hook up with anyone just for the sake of being with someone.
Should you give this relationship another go?. My advice would have to be no, you have been there, now move on with your life and forget about him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 July 2020):
 I'd give him a wide berth.
If he RECENTLY broke up with someone else and then come fishing around your pond again, it's to HAVE someone, ANYONE.
Either he can't stand being alone, or he doesn't really invest all the deeply in a partner, or he is just hoping t o use you.
Look OP you two saw each other for a year and nothing really came of it. Maybe it was partly "your fault" for not feeling secure enough with him to sleep with him, but here is the thing, IF you didn't feel sure about his intentions THEN, what would make you think that you can now?
Saying "I love you" is lovely but it IS just words. I think he tried to show you that he cared to SOME degree (after all he stayed with you for a while year while not getting intimacy from you) but is that love? Or did he just not have too many other options at the time? And when he DID have another option, what did he do? He dumped you and moved on in a flash.
Lastly, you are in your 30-40's... you are not a girl. You are a GROWN ass women!
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