A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I was hoping to get some advice on how to talk to girls.I'm a 28 year old man, unfortunately I've been single all my life. This is probably due to the fact that I have Aspergers. Although it's only 'mild' Aspergers, I've always struggled socially with both men and women. I struggle to form friendships and relationships with people because I have really bad communication skills. I can probably count on one hand the amount of friends I've had in my whole life.It's 100 times worse with women though. I will admit I find women intimidating, especially women I find attractive. It'll be no surprise to hear that I'm a kiss-less virgin. I've never even held hands with a girl or been on a date. It's depressing to think about how many beautiful, interesting and amazing women have passed me by because I just find them intimidating. In all honesty I'm so socially awkward that I can tell women avoid me. It happened through college, university, at work etc. But I can't help it. It's just how I am.I guess the whole point of my post is, how do I talk to women? Like if I'm out and about and I see an attractive girl and want to ask her out, how should I approach her without coming across like an awkward, nervous mess of a man?I'm not someone who just longs to lose their virginity, that's not my main aim. I just feel like I have so much to offer a girl in terms of love and companionship. I would treat them with respect and dignity. It turns my stomach to see that there are so many men who cheat on their partners and even abuse them. I could never imagine ever treating a girl like that. Please help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2020):
I do not have Asperberger's but my nephew does. I will get to him in a moment.
Despite my being "normal" I also suffer from the same condition you do. I find it hard to make friends. I didn't date until I was 19 and even then it seemed like a miracle that someone else was interested in me. I still have very few friends. I know how you feel.
My nephew (who is diagnosed) is in college and he says that he has a hard time meeting people - especially women.
One time he told me that he was outside of the classroom waiting for class to start and a girl approached him. She told him that she liked his backpack which had an anime character on it. She said that she tried to talk to him before but he didn't notice. He said: "Oh. Thanks." before slipping back into his world.
When he relayed that to me I asked him why he didn't continue to talk to her. He said that, like you, he was shy and nervous.
It can be really difficult to talk to strangers if you have Aspberger's. When someone reaches out think about how difficult it would be for you to do that. Sometimes the motives are pure. Sometimes they aren't. However, learn to recognize opportunities when you see them.
My nephew didn't need to ask this girl out on a date then and there. I can understand the fear of rejection or the idea that just because she was being nice somehow she was interested in him romantically. However, he could have at least continued the conversation. That would have helped them both feel more comfortable.
I suggest you start there. Just start talking to people. Men. Women. Sexually attractive or not. Try not to shut down. I know that is easier said than done but if you keep the conversation casual good things should eventually follow. Like, maybe she plays the same game you do and you can connect online or maybe she needs someone to walk her to her car after class or... get the idea?
I think people who are introverts put a lot of pressure on themselves. Did I say the right thing? Did she like me? Oh, I'm not sure I like her tattoo. Did she say she had a boyfriend? They overthink. Just live in the moment. Be kind, be polite, be yourself, but try to engage with the other person as much as you really want to shut down. As long as they are being kind and polite and engaged in return you are doing well.
Every once in a while you will find someone who is a jerk, but don't let your mind go there unless it happens. Most people aren't and I imagine you are already pretty good at picking out who those people might be in advance.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2020): I can relate to the social struggles you’ve described here, so much that I feel I could’ve written this post, (but from a woman’s perspective, and the other difference is that I’m married.) However, when it comes to making, and especially keeping friends, I haven’t had success. I know where you’re coming from on that to a t.
I think something that may help you with talking to women in particular is to keep in mind there are many of us who struggle with the same problem of feeling socially awkward, or feeling like people will reject us for one reason or another. We give up before we even try just like men do. Men and women are wired different in some ways, yes. But we have plenty of similarities as well. Caring how we come across to other people, especially people we find attractive, is a human condition regardless of sex. Being born with good looks or being naturally extroverted does help. People like that will undeniably have more friends and more opportunities when it comes to dating. However, they still have, at some point or another, felt how you or I do. They’ve been rejected before. They’ve worried about impressing a particular man or woman they’re interested in. They’ve experienced the uncertainty of not knowing how a person feels about them, and worried they misread signals of interest from that person. They’ve overthought a conversation they had with a person they were trying to impress, and mentally beat themselves up over something they said that they regretted later on. They’ve kept themselves up at night over it, too. I’m talking about the most confident and attractive of people! Obviously they don’t struggle with this as much as you or I, but they’ve experienced it. Keeping this in mind will help, because it will remind you they are only human, and not on the “pedestal” you’ve placed them on. Also keep in mind that even the prettiest women still wake up in the morning with bad breath, messy hair, and sleep in their eyes. They don’t roll out of bed looking all glamorous. Some may not have even been born as attractive as they appear, but have put in a lot of effort to achieve and maintain their flawless image they present to the public. GOOD makeup, hair products and/or extensions, tanning to even out skin tone, teeth whitening, push-up/shaping bras, all combined with working out on a regular basis, will do wonders for a woman’s appearance. It can transform a mildly pretty girl into a bombshell type. Thousands of women do some, or all of these things, because it makes them feel more confident, and undeniably gets them more opportunities in the dating world. Just like you, they care what people think of them. Stop seeing them as out of your league or better than you, and therefore being intimidated by them. I assure you, they’re part of the human race.
Lastly, I wouldn’t recommend talking to “less pretty” girls, unless it’s only in a platonic way. Make friends with them, sure. But when it comes to pursuing more than friendship, don’t use them to build your confidence. Go for who you want. Maybe I’m speaking from my own bias, being a woman who perceives myself as being more plain. I don’t wear makeup or put in the effort in my appearance that some of my female relatives and colleagues do. And if I were single, I’d hate to think a man is only approaching me as a “practice girl” to build up his confidence to be able to talk to the “hot, sexy girl” who is too intimidating to him at this moment in time. I’d want him to talk to me only if he is actually interested in ME. It’s not right to use people, and that is how I’d perceive a man who approaches less attractive women than he wants for the sake of not being intimidated...a user. That’s just my opinion, of course, and I know my opinion won’t be popular. I feel I should be honest, though.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2020): Hey! Fellow Aspie here! I feel for you my friend I really do and can most definitely identify with what you're going through. Like you my Aspergers really hampered my social skills over the years. I had no friends as a teenager and struggled to fit in everywhere I went because I was so socially awkward.
I did basically what the others have been saying. Start small. Just talk to random people when you're out and about, doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman because it's all about building your communication and social skills. Just talk about the weather if you're outside. If you're in a shop, just make comments about what you're buying or what they're buying or how long the queues are etc.
I know it'll seem daunting and completely nerve-wracking at first; I was sweating absolute buckets when I first did it. But after 5 or 6 goes the anxiety and nerves were more or less gone. Why? Because I felt more confident! My main worry was the fear of rejection because I was used to not being liked by people. But in actual fact I found that most people were very warm and friendly. I remember sitting near a woman on a bus once who was eating a new burger just recently released buy a certain fast-food chain. I simply asked her if it was nice and worth buying and she offered me a bite! We'd never even met before but she offered me some of her food simply because I plucked up the courage to talk to her. And the burger was delicious by the way!
I was 22 and a kiss-less virgin like you at the time but within a year I'd had my first romantic and sexual experiences. I'm 30 now and although I'm currently single, when I compare myself now to how I was 10 years ago I'm almost like a completely different person. I've had four girlfriends in that time. Sure none of the relationships worked out but at least I can look back on some amazing experiences I had with them all and have the confidence and belief that I will meet the right girl in time. More importantly though I now have several close friends who I'd trust with my life. Again, a far cry from 10 years ago when I had none.
So it works, it's just about pushing yourself and building up your confidence. Even with Mild Aspergers the rest should come naturally I'm sure. Also it's really worth saying that you are not alone with what you're going through. If there's ever a day where you think there's no hope and you're destined to be single forever (Trust me, I had plenty of them) try and find solace in online Aspergers forums. There will be so many people who can relate to you and either offer sympathy, or advice. A forum is where I got the advice to talk to random people to build up my confidence. Of course there will be the doomers and gloomers as well (Like the Incel community) but just ignore them.
Good luck to you. I'm sure there is a woman out there who you will make a very happy person.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2020): I know a man who has aspergers, he runs a very successful business with a lot of staff but socially he struggles. He is a very intelligent, well educated man so he only wants to date intelligent, well educated women.I think part of your problem is that you want to date pretty girls, these are the same girls who get lots of offers from men who are great looking, rich, single, charming, easy to talk to etc. You will have far more competition and far more chance of being rejected with them than you will with women who are plain or have some other problem - same as you have. The less popular they are the more chance you have of success. In a way you are trying to update. It is a bit like a very old man wanting a very young woman . You have to be able to match how many things and what they offer for them to want to get to know you.A very shy woman is far more likely to find you interesting than a pretty woman who is rejecting men left right and centre.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 July 2020):
 It seems you are trying to go from a standstill to 100mph in one leap. Little wonder you've scared yourself rigid.
How about starting small and building up gradually. Instead of only being interested in talking to the "pretty" girls, try to speak to a variety of people, male and female, regardless of age and attractiveness.
Start small. Something like "Hi. Lovely day, isn't it?" or "Hi. Busy here today, isn't it?" Some people will not respond; that is about them, not you. They may have anxiety or other issues which make them unable to respond (just as you yourself struggle in these situations).
Once you feel comfortable with making eye contact with random strangers and just speaking to them, take it a step further and, if you see they are happy to interact with you, ask something or say something. Anything. It doesn't really matter what, as long as you keep the conversation going for a few seconds. "Dreadful how much time we spend waiting in queues at the moment" or "Strange/scary times we are living in". If the other person responds, listen and nod in agreement/empathy/sympathy.
Gradually build up your interaction with people in general, not just pretty girls. Hone your conversational skills on anyone who will interact with you. The you will feel more confident speaking to ladies you find attractive. Remember not to go from nothing to asking them out. That will just thrown them onto the back food and, instinctively, they will refuse. Instead, try initiating a conversation (which you have already learned to do). If the lady in question chats away and seems eager to keep talking, ask if she would like to grab a coffee or say "If you have no objection, I would love to take you out for a drink/meal sometime". If she backs off, don't take it personally. Don't be offended. Laugh it off and say "You can't blame a guy for trying.".
Few things fall in our lap without some work. Put in the work, gain the confidence in your new skill and take it from there.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2020): When Covid-19 social distancing precautions are eased, consider hiring yourself a life-coach. Provided you have the economic means to afford one. I strongly urge you to research on what a life coach does; and what you can expect from them. You need a one-on-one experience with someone to guide you. Some life-coaches are also trained and licensed therapists; and their fees will range. Just consider the possibility.
If you have any single-male cousins about your age; ask them to set you up, or be your wing-man when you go out. You first have to get used to meeting strangers; and just carrying-on casual conversation. It takes lots of practice, and you can't just all of sudden pickup the skill. Sudden panic will almost always freeze you up; but having a bystander or wing-man nearby, will ease your apprehension and discomfort.
It's something everyone must practice, and ease their way into. Not everyone can walk-up to total-strangers and strike-up conversation. If you're a total novice with little or no interactive-skills, you need someone alongside you, to guide and coach you.
Always observe others communicating; that's how children learn their interactive and communication skills. What to talk about is usually spontaneous, and based on the mood, timing, and location. If the weather is hot, or rainy, something witty or obvious would be an opening. Most of the time, people get started, and you'll end-up being the listener anyway. It happens to me all the time, because people open-up to me...sometimes it's unbelievable how much personal-information they over-share. Maybe TMI!!! I guess I've learned to enjoy listening to and observing people, and it pays-off. I only offer advice and opinion when I'm asked; I rarely do it unless asked. I do it here on DC, because I'm supposed to!
You have to test your abilities as an adult; because certain aspects of interacting with people require the appropriate tone in your voice, and a matching facial-expression. People who take a liking to you tend to dismiss your flaws, and get used to our "peculiarities." You may be unaware of your natural charm; and just being easy-going and good-natured is enough to talk to a lovely lady. When people are unaware of your social-impairments, they may be confused; so learning to engage in conversation in a nonchalant, but unassuming way; is something you'll have to be taught, and continually-practice. You'll determine the extent of your ability to communicate through stepping out of your comfort-zone, and by overcoming your fears.
Expect people to make goofy assumptions, and unintentionally-offensive remarks. When you're different or seem unusual to people, as you well know, they sometimes ask dumb questions. That's definitely an opening to a conversation. If they seem pleasant, you just let them know sometimes you're socially-awkward; but you don't have to give them a full dissertation about your Asperger's. Let them know if they ask, and are curious; and take advantage of engaging in conversation. That's how you talk to women.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 July 2020):
 I'd say start by just greeting 5-10 people EVERY day for a few weeks. If you do get out and about.
The after the two weeks try some small talk with 5 people (doesn't matter if they are young or old or pretty or not)
If women seems to intimidate you more, then primarily do this to women.
Being pretty doesn't make a women scary or special. She just got lucky in the genes department. THAT is all.
One of the issue I see in your question is that you FOCUS on the "attractive" girls only. Like they are some kind of "prize". You might want to adjust that mind set. Looks has NOTHING to do with how nice, kind, loving etc. a person is.
If VERY pretty girls intimidate you, talk to the "less" pretty and maybe you will find that looks is NOT the most important thing about a person. That perhaps a "less" pretty girl will give you a chance to talk and connect where a very pretty one wouldn't.
As for how other men act, don't worry. Be you.
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