A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:A girl who used to bully me at school started messaging me out of the blue and has asked me out. She hasn’t apologised or even acknowledged what she did yet is being nice as pie to me now.I suppose it’s partly my fault because I’ve not brought the bullying up at any point even though we’ve been chatting for about 3 days now. She added me on Facebook on Monday night and I accepted her friend request, though I probably shouldn’t have out of principal given what she put me through. She was part of a group of 8 boys and girls in my year who bullied me relentlessly from Year 9 to Year 11 in High School. They’d beat me up, steal from me, ridicule and intimidate me all the time and basically crushed my confidence and self-esteem. Every day I dreaded going to school. It made me feel inferior to everyone else and I turned into a complete recluse throughout Sixth-Form college, as well as a loner. I’ve really struggled to make friends in all walks of life, because more than anything I just felt scared and intimidated by people my age. It made me decide not to go to University and I passed up a huge opportunity. I’m 20 now and work as a delivery driver.At the start of the year I decided to try and make a change because my life was going nowhere and basically got a makeover. I never really took value in my appearance because I had such little self-worth but it’s amazing what a new hairstyle and new clothes can do for you. My biggest change though was in my physique. I’d always felt I was too weedy and skinny so decided to bulk up and joined a gym. Even though the pandemic came along and everywhere got shut down I was still able to use my Dad’s personal gym equipment at home and if anything the boredom of being Furloughed in lockdown just encouraged me to work out even more. I’m now really buff and muscular with a six pack. It’s improved my confidence quite a lot and I’ve started getting attention from girls on Facebook and Instagram, whereas before no girl had ever shown any interest in me whatsoever. I can’t really go on dates right now because we still have strict COVID regulations in the UK but I’m hoping that will change in the coming months when these vaccines are finally dished out. I have been chatting to a few good looking girls but in all honesty, the one who bullied me is REALLY fit. She’s just my type in actual fact. I can’t deny it. As much as I want to hate her I can’t because of how beautiful she is. I suppose this is the shallowness in me coming out to bloom, then again if you were a kiss-less virgin at 20 years old and not through personal choice you’d probably feel the same. The fact that she hasn’t even mentioned the bullying at all does annoy me a lot as I seriously doubt she’d have forgotten about it. But at the same time just getting this kind of attention from her is flattering and the shot in the arm my self-esteem has always needed.I just don’t know what to do. If she actually acknowledged what she’d done to me and apologized then I’m sure I’d be happy to start again and let bygones be bygones or whatever. But if she doesn’t then I’d feel like I’d be selling myself out if I went out with her. What do you all think?
View related questions:
bullied, confidence, crush, facebook, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2020): I don't want you to refer to yourself as 'kissless virgin' because it expresses contempt for yourself.However, at the risk of much disapproval from other contributors I don't think it matters whether you do or don't date her.I think ideally you should just get to know each other step by step.The person you are in teenage can change into someone different by adulthood.You have morphed into someone else with a lot going for you.You are physically fit and you have a job.How are you to know where this girls head is at unless you ask her?Supposing she had never had sex with anyone but people assumed that she did.Supposing she wasn't proactive in the bullying but was afraid to tell the ringleaders to stop?The thing about bullying is that the scars go deep and people loose confidence and miss opportunities as a result.I can't help wondering about this girl...is she still on the outside looking in.Is she planning to get married to someone one day or is she just looking for a conquest.Could she be as excited about you as you are about her?Or is this all part of some dastardly plan to prevent you enjoying your current lifestyle?It's a tough question but you are clearly interested in her.However you need to feel completely healed from your past.You don't want to still be that hurt lad, so please look at what you have achieved so far and also consider the option of university if that's what you want.Being more adult now may help the friendship, but don't make the mistake of thinking she wants sex with you because she made contact with you.Going for a drink or a burger or to the cinema, is completely separate from agreeing to have sex and you may have got the false impression that everyone else has been shagging like crazy due to youthful boasting by your peers.I can assure you that many youngsters are naive about sexual behaviour until they reach adulthood.And the melting pot of university is often the start of lasting relationships.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2020): You will continue with this, you cannot stop yourself, because despite improving your looks you still lack confidence and need validation from others. This is what bullies pick up on when choosing their victims. They chose you because of this at school and she is doing it again.
She knows that despite improving your looks you are vulnerable and easy to hurt underneath. She might have become more decent and nice but I very much doubt it, and why take the risk? You will be traumatised and in a state if she turns out to be nasty and the odds are she still is. It won't be her that is upset, it will be you. She has a skin like a rhinoceros, you are the one who gets easily hurt.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2020): OpThis girl has already showed she has a nasty side. Sure she is being nice to you now because she likes the way you look now. But what happens if it doesn’t work out? Do you think she will be nice to you then? No, she will go around telling everyone intimate details about you and turn others on you. People who bully others usually do it as they are insecure about themselves in some way. If she hasn’t even acknowledged the fact that she bullied you - she hasn’t realised this and I guarantee hasn’t changed one bit. People need to acknowledge their faults in order to make a change. In fact don’t even mention it to her because then you will get a fake apology mixed with excuses just because she now thinks your hot. If she was truly sorry she would of apologised by now. Any apology now would be fake. The fact that she is just your type and really fit is probably more to do with you than her actually being your type. Your trying to prove something to yourself out of your own insecurity. Trying to prove that you are now good enough for the pretty popular girl at school that all the guys wanted. Trying to prove to her that you are now good enough. As you get older you will realise that looks mean very little. These type of people you may find attractive to begin with but after getting to know their personality will instantly get turned off them. If it wasn’t you she bullied but someone else you probably wouldn’t give her the time of day. Your ego is drawing you to her. If you did start dating this girl you are underestimating your emotions in all of this. It may start out great - but you may start feeling resentment towards her at some point. Bullying can be traumatising and at the moment you are letting your young hormones take control of your decisions and not considering these things. Normal for your age. But seeing this girl will bring up all the negative emotions you had during that time at school. You won’t be able to trust this girl with your feelings, emotions and well-being. Always cautious she may turn on you. Trust is very important when dating someone. For your own sanity and new found confidence - I would date someone else and forget about this girl. It will not be good for you to go down that path and will lead to heartbreak for you and will shatter your new found confidence you have worked so hard to gain. You will be back to square one. Block her to help you forget her - out of sight out of mind. There are plenty of equally beautiful girls out there who are not bullies and will like you for you. Good luck OP
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2020): I used to be a bully in high school which I do regret to this day.
Bullies can change but that doesn't change the past. In my opinion, there is just too much of a negative history between you two that it wouldn't be a good idea for you two to date, especially for your mental health. I think you need to date people who you don't have such a negative history with.
Also, I don't think she had enough time to change and stop being a bully. So on some level, she is most likely still a bully.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (6 December 2020):
 I believe the other aunts/uncles have already covered this so I will just be reiterating the majority of what they have said.
I would not trust this girl as far as I could throw her, OP. I was bullied in high school by some of the most popular guys in my class. I am only 4'10" and at that age was a little too developed and teenage boys being teenage boys well..they liked to tease about something that I had no control over. I was in the high school band so I had my set of friends and so it wasn't like I was a loner or anything but still..it hurt to be teased and I wasn't oblivious, I knew damn well they were making fun of me. It was a long time ago but if I came across any of those guys now I wouldn't trust them. Funny thing is...I'm the one who had a great job, lives in beautiful sunny Florida, retired and I married a doctor. They are all still stuck in the town we grew up in...all on facebook, all single and miserable. Who got the last laugh??? HA HA
Sorry..I digress..
point is...YOU have changed...but the odds are that the girl hasn't. How do you know she isn't trying to set you up again? And let's say she has changed...why now? Just because you look great? So that would mean she's very shallow. It could very well be that the only thing going for her is her looks. Lets be honest...pretty can only hide ugly for so long. In the long run, a pretty face/nice body will not be able to overcome an ugly personality and a cold heart.
Steer clear of her. Don't respond to her anymore and let her find another victim. You say you have other ladies attracted to you..go for them. Leave this chick by the wayside. I don't see anything good out of letting her into your life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2020): You have worked on your appearance and how fit you are but don't forget that your brain and sense need to work well too. Once a nasty, cold, heartless, cruel person always one. She is still that nasty person.If it were me I would lead her on with texts for as long as possible and then say something like - oh by the way, aren't you that nasty piece of shite that used to be cruel and vile to me, making my life a misery?The odds are that she has forgotten all that. Which makes her even more vile. When I was at school I was bullied by a little cluster of girls, they took the mickey out of me because I did not swear, did not shout, did not get drunk, did not sleep around with boys, did not smoke, wore glasses and was well behaved and quiet. They made my life a misery , it was so bad I THOUGHT of suicide, in the end I left school to get away from it, giving up my chance to take any examinations there. They would bash me up, get me into group and all shout at me for ages calling me names, threaten me and all sorts.But I got the last laugh. Years later they are all living in rough areas on government benefits or menial, boring, badly paid jobs. I rose about them and owned my own business with a lot of staff and now own a lot of property.I did bump into one of these girls years later and she started to chat to me as if nothing had happened, almost as if we were friends! I said about all of the bullying and she said something like OH THAT, THAT'S NOTHING. THAT'S JUST A GAME. Anyone who can believe that is a cold hard nasty piece of shite.Either avoid this person you are asking us about or pay back time.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 December 2020):
 Keep working on you, OP
If you didn't go to Uni, but WANT to find a way to do so, you ARE only 20. It's not like you are SO old that you can't do courses or take a degree!
Secondly. Bad bad headspace you are in. You think because she is HOT, because she NOWS flatter you that "yeah this can work out". It won't. She was a piece of shit in school to you, that is STILL who she is, regardless of her looks. People like that.... don't change.
Regardless of whether she APOLOGIZES she is NOT a good person.
You can put glitter on a turd - but it's still a turd.
She hasn't apologized so far, guess why? Because she doesn't feel remorse for her actions back then. She would probably come up with all kind of excuses, "she was under peer pressure", "Someone else MADE her do it", "it wasn't that bad what she did", etc.
You are selling out if you keep talking to her and soak up the attention from her. It reminds me of these dogs that people basically torture and use as fight or bait dogs. You know what these dogs DON'T do? They don't bite their abusers. The cower.
That's you.
Dating her will not erase the past.
YOU working on yourself to NEVER be in a position where people treat you like shit, is what you need to work on.
You working out is good. But LOOKS and a 6 pack is not a be all end all. You are NOT going to attract the RIGHT kind of women with a 6 pack alone. Quality Women DO want more than a good looking partner. A lot more.
She isn't a Quality Woman. She is a turd with glitter on. A piece of crap human being in a "pretty skin suit".
If she had grown from what she did, if she felt remorse and felt bad for how she treated you SHE would have voiced that when she FIRST contacted you. She knows who you are. It wasn't THAT long ago she was one of your tormentors!
How do you even know she isn't FEEDING your ego and buttering you up to be a hew group of people's punching bag? Or the same group?
OP, WANT more for yourself. Want GOOD people around you. Not just "pretty" ones.
I bet you that you can find other girls who are as pretty as her but also BETTER people that her.
Lastly, would you ASK her to apologize for what she did to you? In order for you to date her?
Do you seriously think that would happen? You said she is really pretty, which means SHE has a LOT of options when it comes to guys. And IF you have to ASK her for it, how would you even know that she MEAN it?
I think this is a disaster waiting to happen all around.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 December 2020):
 She may be "fit" on the outside, but she was (and possibly still is) ugly on the inside. Anyone who thinks it is acceptable behaviour to bully someone to the extent she did to you is not a nice person in my book, regardless of how attractive they are on the outside.
In your shoes I would be very careful about dating her. How do you know it is not a wind-up so she can lure you somewhere for her and her mates to abuse you again, like they did at school? Even if she is genuinely attracted to you, if she only likes you because you are suddenly "fit", what would happen if, for instance, you became ill and lost your fabulous newly-developed physique? I suspect she would mock you and bully you like she did at school, before dumping you.
You say you are getting plenty of attention from other girls, so why not pick one to whom you are attracted AND who is a nice person? You of all people should know beauty is only skin deep. You may feel more confident as you are now, but you are still the same person on the inside that this horrible girl bullied so mercilessly at school.
I would seriously stay well away, regardless of whether she apologizes or not.
...............................
|
