A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey Cupid’s,Want a bit of advice about how I can get better at trusting people in relationships. I’m 26 and have had three serious relationships in my life. All have them have surpassed a couple of years. I’m currently in one and I feel like I have major trust issues. Sometimes when I feel particularly anxious I make up scenarios in my head and I believe they’re true. There’s nothing really that can make me think otherwise. My first relationship was my first love and I lost my virginity to - only to find out he was texting his ex to meet up. My second relationship ended really bad. We were together for 3+ years and I was truly madly deeply in love with him in every way. i was so paranoid through the whole relationship and he ended up seeing someone behind my back (the just a friend!) and I’m currently in a relationship now and we’ve been together 2 years.I really like my current partner and I’ve trusted him more than my last two which says a lot about him because it takes a lot for me not to worry. I’ve started however feeling anxious that he might be or want to start meeting or chatting to someone else but he gives me absolutely no reason to think this. I feel like no matter who on earth I meet, it’ll just end up the same. I have zero faith in men and feel like other options are so available now through social media and things like this that I just think what’s the point. My friends keep telling me once I meet the perfect guy things will click into place.. but I think it’s more my issues. The guy I’m with now is so chilled, lovely and respectful of me and I don’t want to ruin things.Just typing this out - I know how ridiculous I sound. I don’t want to be this way at all but I definitely need some opinions about how to deal with trust (apart from getting professional help which I intend to do). Thanks so much x
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 December 2020):
 Let me start by asking you this, OP
BY you worrying and making up scary "what if" situations DOES that stop him from potentially DO something wrong?
No!
Because YOU have no control over HIS actions.
IF he chooses to CHEAT then THAT is a choice HE makes and one that HE is 100% responsible FOR!
The scenarios ONLY makes you anxious and bad, it doesn't help you OR your relationship. I know it's easy to get into a habit of thinking since BOTH previous partners ended up being LESS than stellar in the relationship, the chance is that #3 might also hurt you. That is LOGICAL thinking, perhaps... but SO unfair. TO you both.
DO yourself (and you relationship) a favor and shut down the negative thoughts when they pop in. Shut them down HARD and FAST. If they are just random "what if" things. If they are BASED on any kind of knowledge or evidence of sorts then TALK to him, don't let it steep.
Take some time (when you are by yourself) and think on HOW you can built trust in him and for him to trust you too. Because HE has to trust YOU too!
Would YOU like it if your partner didn't trust you?
And lastly, find things you ENJOY. Be an "interesting" partner. Someone who wants to learn new things, see places, do things, try things. Not just revolve around a partner soaking up HIS/HER activities/friends etc.
Sometimes when we get into a relationship we let go of things we REALLY enjoy to spend time with a partner (which can be good) but it can make you dependent on them for so many things, approval, entertainment, new adventures, exposure to new things. So don't LOSE you in a relationship.
And don't feel silly for feeling this way. Just BE aware of what you are doing and that it really doesn't help. Find "better" things to use your mind for :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2020): I think we've all been in your shoes; once bitten twice shy!
However, you have to use self-control and employ maturity when you commit yourself into a relationship. Realizing you're not the only one who has to trust; or who's investing in the relationship. Relationships are an emotional exchange between two people. It's not centered only around the happiness and security of just one of the couple. Two relationships didn't workout. Failure or breakups happen to everyone, sooner or later.
There is always going to be some amount of trepidation or concern regarding the security, stability, and solidity of any relationship you believe to be worthwhile.
Some relationships in your younger-phase of life are just trial relationships. You learn about your feelings, how to connect with other people romantically, and you have to learn how to endure and survive heartbreak. You have to learn to recover from it, and know how it feels in order to avoid hurting others.
You can sabotage the relationship when you tend to easily yield to your anxiety; and/or heavily depend on fantasy and fairytale-notions as the foundation of the relationship. You want perfect. There is no such thing as perfect. You have flaws and weaknesses, and he has to accept them in order to be with you. He deserves the same in return.
You have never forgiven the others and moved-on; you've never found your peace. Instead, you're carrying destructive baggage in your mind; which is basically a time bomb. Ticking-away until your insecurities and anxiety overwhelms you; and make you submit to your unsubstantiated suspicions. You can't believe being in a relationship can just be good for what it's worth; something has to go wrong!
You have to live life day by day. You can't worry about tomorrow, while you're still living today! Let tomorrow worry about itself. He has not cheated as far as you know; and you have no evidence to justify any suspicion. Worrying about "what might happen" is how you drive yourself nuts. Then you'll start doing nutty things like snooping his devices, checking his phone, going through his messages; and being obnoxious and jealous. That's cause to dump you! If you can't correct yourself, then you deserve to be gone. Can't put it any other way but bluntly!
You also have to remind yourself that you yourself are human, and capable of error. You can also make mistakes and cause heartbreak. Being a forever-victim of the past will kill one relationship after another. Insecurity kills relationships! People setting their expectations too high, and demanding a lot; but completely forgetting how much the other person is risking to be with them. Like nobody can be hurt but themselves!
You will kiss a few frogs, until you meet a prince. Then you have to hope for the best; and realize that real-life offers us no guarantees. Things can go wrong. ALL PEOPLE make mistakes! That includes you and me! You have to learn how to forgive people who have hurt you, and move on. Those guys are long-gone! They shouldn't be controlling your feelings and emotions by "remote-control." Those guys living their lives and not concerned about you! They are history! The past doesn't dictate the outcome of every relationship you're in from now on.
We'll go through trials throughout life, and some of those trials will be with people. Stay level-headed, don't fantasize about a "Hallmark movie" relationship. They don't exist. People disagree, sometimes we have arguments; or we might say and do hurtful things. You don't worry about problems until they arrive. You're being the problem, when you act-out before they ever happen.
Do not punish him, or automatically assume he will cheat on you. You can't predict the future, and too much anxiety about "what could or might happen" will disturb your peace. That has an effect on your behavior; which will somehow manifest itself in acting-out your distrust. It will upset him unnecessarily. Sometimes you just have to learn to trust; even if that trust gets broken. You can't guarantee you will never hurt him somehow. Don't expect that from anyone else.
It's time to grow-up. You want to be in a committed-relationship. Then you will have to settle-down, and enjoy it one day at a time. Address problems that are real, not imagined!!! Deal with life-problems as they come. Don't invent them in your head. If the anxiety is overwhelming, seek counseling. If you believe and have a religious faith, seek prayer and counseling from your faith leadership. God wants you to be happy, and He will make sure your relationships last; but you have to also learn to be trusting, until there is no longer any reason to. It makes no sense to distrust somebody anticipating they'll hurt you. Will you ever find peace of mind being like that?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 December 2020):
 You've reached that 2 year mark and, based on previous experience, your mind is telling you this is the time things "go wrong". The logical part of your brain knows this is not necessarily so, but the emotional side of your brain worries that it may happen, just like before.
Firstly, you were much younger in the previous relationships. You give your age as 26-29 so you were possibly still a teenager in the first one, certainly no more than in your early 20s. Few people find "the one" at such an early age. Most are out to experiment and try different relationships, which is what happened in your previous relationships. You are now older and, I assume, with someone of a similar age. The chances are that you are both more mature than you would have been all those years ago, hence your relationship stands more chance of surviving.
Instead of worrying about him cheating on you, why not put extra effort into keeping the relationships fresh? Find new things to enjoy together. Listen to each other. Share quality time together. If you are both happy with what you have, the chances of either of you cheating are a lot less.
It is scary to trust someone, especially if you have had previous bad experiences. However, without trust there can be no real relationship. At some point you have to have faith in the future and let go of the mistrust.
I wish you all the best.
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