A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My close friend has recently let me know that my ex boyfriend is going wild with drugs and alcohol and that he is worried about him. When I was with this boyfriend, I managed to convince him to only do drugs every so often and just weed, nothing stronger. This was all I could accept in our relationship as I have no part in the drug culture. Since we broke up, I have been nothing but respectful. In a relationship, I understand that we both have an equal part in arguments. However, since the break up I haven't said a single word out of place, I've only detached myself from him thinking it was necessary and when he has messaged me I've said only that I need more space. I wanted to be friends and civil and mature about our break up. It's about us moving on with our lives and maintaining a level of respect, but he was more focused on getting a reaction from me. His last attempt at this was to organise to have a girl round his house for a one night stand when I was in his house at his housemates party (my close friends). I knocked on his door to make peace, but saw this girl, and could see the enjoyment he had in having an effect on me in his face. Since he told his housemate (my friend) that this was 'killing two birds with one stone' I decided to completely cut myself off from him. I don't need a friend like that let alone a partner. However, with his increasing problems now that our friends are making me aware of, I don't know whether I should stay out of it completely (my gut instinct) or help.Would I be a complete cow if I didn't? I've just escaped from being dragged down by him, and I don't want to get back involved in any way. However, hard drugs and alcohol is something serious, and I know I had some effect in him cutting it down before.Any opinions?!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 June 2018):
 No, you would not be a cow. At all. You would not even be a little calf :)- just a normal, sensible person.
You are not his mom, his wife, his social worker or his therapist. You have no obligations or duties toward him. As a matter of fact, he is not even a friend- since, how you very wisely noted, he did not behave like a friend and who whould want a friend like that.
I can't see why you should be getting involved, against your instincs and inclinations, too. Just because you used to know him ? Well, that's nice of you- but- have you also checked on all, say, your ex classmates from kindergarten, elementary, middle school and high school in case any of them is in trouble and needs some help ? .. I guess not. He is an ex, and as such he's no different from any other figure or element of your past.
It would be different , I guess, if you had chosen to stay friends, or if you had decided that you don't work as a couple but you still add value to each other's life, or if you were indebted to him for special acts of kindness and generosity received by him when you were together, etc.etc….. bus, as it stands now, you broke up and shut him off because he was a dickhead who always acted like dickead toward you, so : good riddance.
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 June 2018):
No, you would not be a cow. At all. You would not even be a little calf :)- just a normal, sensible person.
You are not his mom, his wife, his social worker or his therapist. You have no obligations or duties toward him. As a matter of fact, he is not even a friend- since, how you very wisely noted, he did not behave like a friend and who whould want a friend like that.
I can't see why you should be getting involved, against your instincs and inclinations, too. Just because you used to know him ? Well, that's nice of you- but- have you also checked on all, say, your ex classmates from kindergarten, elementary, middle school and high school in case any of them is in trouble and needs some help ? .. I guess not. He is an ex, and as such he's no different from any other figure or element of your past.
It would be different , I guess, if you had chosen to stay friends, or if you had decided that you don't work as a couple but you still add value to each other's life, or if you were indebted to him for special acts of kindness and generosity received by him when you were together, etc.etc….. bus, as it stands now, you broke up and shut him off because he was a dickhead who always acted like dickead toward you, so : good riddance.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (1 June 2018):
 The only thing you can do is to cut him out of your life for good. This means no calls, no visits, block all phone and social media, AND tell your friends that you're done with him.
He is TOXIC, and he STILL is dragging you into the ground. You still have feelings for him, and they need to be done. You need to choke your feelings for him from your heart just like choking out a plant by depriving it of sunlight, water, and air. It's DAILY. You wean him from your thoughts.
It is a mental discipline. When you find yourself thinking of him, make it a daily exercise to consciously STOP. He is trying to get your attention, and you need to utterly deny it to him, AS IF HE WERE DEAD to you.
Because to be honest, your ex-boyfriend *IS* dead. This guy who is parading around in the skin of your ex is NOT the man you fell in love with. The drugs have made him a hollow shell still bearing his face. If he were in his right mind, he wouldn't be carrying on in this fashion.
Your ex no longer exists, and it's time you started acting like this in thought, word, and deed. That's not an easy self-discipline, but after the first 21 days of taking my advice, you'll be so surprised at how much easier it is to get on with your life.
We're creatures of habit, and it takes 21 days to form or to break ANY habit. Not many people know that! The distance between you and freedom is 21 days, but only if you go FULL board away from him, and fully purge him from your life. Avoid this impostor like the plague, and if he tries to get your attention, be utterly like ice towards him. End any conversation. Walk away. Show no emotion. Treat him like you would some stranger you were involved in a fender-bender with on the highway. Barest conversation, and walk away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2018): Your ex is probably manipulating his friends in order to get back to manipulating you. I’ll tell you what I do with my ex, who has proved time and time again to just be interested in that adrenaline rush from pulling one over on me again, text him the numbers of the nearest Narcotics Anonymous and AA meetings. He won’t change without a lot of therapy first and I would only take him back if he completes the program for himself first. The notion you have some control over him is false, you only have control and bargaining power if he gives you it because he wants something (sex/attention/duper’s delight from lying) and then he will be right back to what he really wants which is drugs.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (31 May 2018):
 We have a gut instinct for good reason. TRUST YOURS.
He is not your responsibility. He is an adult and is CHOOSING to take drugs. Leave him to do what he wants and try to stay as far away as possible (even if it means only meeting your friend away from his accommodation).
I strongly suspect your ex is involved in you being told what he is up to. Tell the "friends" who are passing on news of him that you are NOT interested, you are NOT responsible and you do NOT want to hear anything else about him.
You sound like a sensible lady. Leave this loser in your past where he belongs and CHOOSE not to let him pull you down.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2018): Your insticts to stay out of it are bang on the nail.He is not your responsibility and never will be.Your friend had no right to drawyou back into your exs behaviour.Totally avoid him and the friend who implied you should help.They will drag you down to the gutter.Perhaps they see you are doing well and are trying to lure you back just to pull you down.If you must be part of the drama just tell his mum but personally I would advise you to do nothing because its not your problem.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 May 2018):
 OP, you can't MAKE him stop doing what HE wants to do. Now even his mother can.
You might have had some effect on him cutting down on his drugs but he didn't ever stop, not for you and not for himself. And... here is the thing, you have no idea if he was also popping other things than the "weed" you asked him to stick with. TRUST me on that. I have meet people who were on various drugs claiming they ONLY used pot/weed but later it came out that no, they were doing an assortment of drugs... BECAUSE they WANTED to. And because they hung out with people who ALSO did an assortment of drugs.
He is NOT going to quit drugs for you. Sorry, OP He doesn't WANT to be your "friend".
You should NOT let him drag you down into the gutter by "pretending" to be his friend. Like you said, you are no longer dating and you NEED to move on. He might NOT move on from drugs any time soon, but that is HIS choice.
I also think you "close friend" might want to reconsider having him as a house-mate. When someone is out of control (like your ex) they can take down EVERYONE around them.
You are doing yourself NO favors in trying to fix this guy. You will be WASTING your time, your life on someone who DOESN'T want "help".
Focus on you. Your future. And DO let your "close friend" know that you are deciding you can't do this.
Some people can handle just smoking a little pot/weed here and there and it doesn't interfere with their lives overall but MANY (like your ex) can't. Because they are chasing either a high, numbness, oblivion or what not. They are not looking to make their lives better.
Also, OP... GO get a STD panel done. If hard drugs were involved and maybe needles you NEED to get checked. UK have the HIGHEST rate of SERIOUS STD's among young heterosexuals. I was watching a documentary about it and I was actually shocked at high numbers of STD for young English people. And I'm talking HepC (no cure) HIV (no cure, but can be managed with lifelong treatments), Syphilis (known cure but can still have side-effects), Gonorrhea ( can be cured though there are CURE-RESISTANT strains)... Etc. I don't say this to SCARE you. But for you to take GOOD care of yourself and YOUR future.
When you are dating someone who DOES SERIOUS drugs their primary care is NOT your health or their own, it's doing drugs.
So, it's OK to stay away from him - but DO go get tested. I know telling you to do a STD/STI panel seem off topic, but it's not.
Chin up and GOOD luck!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (31 May 2018):
 Absolutely not.
You don’t owe him anything. I’d say you would be foolish to get involved and get dragged back in.
If this is how the guy is dealing with it then let him do that, steer well clear and move on with your life.
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