A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my ex mutually agreed that it wasn't working as a couple because we had been friends for over a decade before dating and that felt more like us than the time we'd spent trying to be a couple. After breaking up, we found out she was pregnant and we were happy to raise our baby together, but not together together. But its a sad time for us because we found out that she miscarried our beautiful baby girl. We had only just found out that we were having a princess and had even decided on her name: Ellie-Mae after her grandmothers.In honour of her me and my ex want to get a matching little baby foot print tattoo in pink with Ellie-May in it. My family members who are old enough are also wanting to get some remembrance tattoos but not the same one. Our mutual buddies have told us that they understand why we want to get it done but have talked about what future partners of both of us might say. I guess I see where they are coming from but it would only be the size of a newborns foot and it's not like an exes name because that was our baby.I spose my question is what would you think about a potential partner having a small memorial tattoo ?
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female
reader, Delirium  +, writes (21 January 2015):
 OP, I didn't answer your question about would I find it off-putting. I'll add in my two cents about that and only that, nothing else. Yes I would find it off-putting. I have no problem with tattoos (I personally don't have any, I'm more of a body piercing person) and I have dated a guy with a memorial tattoo for his twin sister who died in a car accident. I had no problem with that. I also wouldn't care so much that the tattoo matches your ex's. But I would care that the tattoo was gotten because of a miscarriage. I have had family members die in childhood and the loss of a child has no comparison so until you tell me it's a miscarriage I would assume you had experienced the loss of a child due to some traumatic accident or illness. I would assume you held them in your arms, rocked them to sleep, fed, laughed and cried with them. Once I found out that you were preparing to be a father but never actually were one I would feel, I don't know, like you were disillusioned with what fatherhood actually meant. Fatherhood isn't just creating the child, it's being there for the child and raising the child. After feeling all that I would start to think about what that tattoo means for the future; miscarriages run in my family so I wouldn't be surprised if I experienced one or two of my own (heck maybe more) so would you get one for each? Would you try pressuring me into getting my own, even if I didn't want to? Or would you say I only wanted to get a tattoo for the first miscarriage (with my ex) but not for any of yours? And even if you happily volunteered to get more tattoos maybe I don't want your body to be a scoreboard for my fertility malfunctions. All in all a memorial tattoo for a miscarriage is a completely different type of memorial tattoo and probably has a higher chance to be unsettling to women than any other type of memorial tattoo.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 January 2015):
 well if all you want to know is if a person will be put off by a tattoo you have then it will be totally dependent on the person.
My current husband would not marry me till I covered a tattoo that i had that represented something and someone (not a child) in my past. I covered the tatt and now I hate the coverup but it is what it is.
Picture this:
you get this tattoo... let's say you wisely get it in a year on your own without going with the baby's mother.
fast forward another year... so now you are 2 years past the original grief and you meet someone you want to pursue a relationship with. After a few dates you mention your deceased daughter and show her the tattoo... you don't say that the baby's mom has the same tattoo.. just that you got a tattoo to commemorate the death of your unborn child....
she's fine with this.. .till somewhere in the future Baby's momma shows up since you are friends and POOF shows off HER MATCHING tattoo and says "yeah we picked them when his cousin drew them and opted to have the same tattoo to remember the child we conceived that was never born" or something like that.
BASICALLY you are setting up a REASON to be totally tied to this EX partner of yours forever and when she expresses HER views on the "matching tattoos" to your new partner, that innocuous tattoo that you got to remember your child suddenly is a beacon of pain for your new partner every time she sees it.
or she could be fine with it.
will depend on the person.
if you are willing to risk losing a relationship over some artwork then stick to your principles and go for it.
the FACT that you ASKED means you are not too sure what to do... therefore your defense of having it done rings false to me. It's like you are trying to convince yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): I only mentioned my ex because it was relevant. We never really had that 'love' so neither of us miss it. We are back to hanging out with our group like we used to.I want to get this tattoo for myself and my friend wants her tattoo for herself. We picked the same design by a 25 percent chance but it wasn't planned to be the same.I'm sure I would get a tattoo done for any children I have or almost have because those are the only tattoos I'd ever want for myself. I don't plan on being heavily tattooed and only like tattoos for myself when they are blood family like 'XI' because it was my uncle's lucky number and we were more like brothers and he passed away when I was 20.I'm thinking about getting this for me because I lost the chance to meet my first child and it has nothing to do with what my friend may or may not get or think. My question was only about what potential partners may think about a small memorial tattoo.
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female
reader, Delirium +, writes (20 January 2015):
I'm going to be honest, and blunt, and it's not going to sound nice; here we go.You are talking about getting a tattoo in memory of your child that was never brought into the world. And your important question is: Will it put off a future partner? You are getting the tattoo for the wrong reason. You want to soothe the guilt you have over losing a child with a woman from a failed relationship. If the tattoo carried such a powerful personal meaning to you it wouldn't matter what a "hypothetical" future partner thought. But you aren't 100% on board with the idea which means you are being pushed to get the tattoo for some other reason. My guess would be you don't want to come across as a cold, heartless, bastard to you ex and her family. Well you know what, this affected her more than it did you so why do you need to display an equal amount of grief as her?And another thing, I am very sorry for your loss, miscarriages are sad. But probably not worthy of a tattoo (especially on someone other than the mother). My mother had 3 miscarriages, my sisters each had one (one of them had 2), and my boyfriend's mother had at least one that I know about. They are sad and can be very traumatizing, especially if they are late term. But they do happen; often. My boyfriend's stepfather, who raised him like his own son, died of cancer when my bf had just started college. My boyfriend considered getting a memorial tattoo done in his honor and wanted my opinion. I told him there was nothing wrong with that but he should probably wait until he had a chance to grieve properly before making that kind of decision, mostly so he would be able to pick an image and statement that reflected his feelings best. He ended up not getting one done but his sister did. When he saw his sister's tattoo he thanked me for making him wait and think on it. Her tattoo was not only large, and as much as I don't want to call a memorial tattoo tacky, a large 4 leaf clover simply because his birthday was St. Patrick's day is a little tacky. My boyfriend realized he wanted to hold his step-dad's memory in his heart, not painted on his skin and instead he used the money to donate to cancer research. You should be certain that this tattoo you are talking will be gotten because this unborn child already left a permanent scar on your hear, soul, and spirit. And that you have a life long need to let the world know that you would have loved your child. Anything less than that it being untruthful to yourself and will lead to regret. And you should be prepared to get one should your future partner miscarry as well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2015): I am sorry for your loss. It is a horrible and emotional experience going through a miscarriage.I think you should wait a while though and give it time, because the grief is still raw, and rash decisions are always a mistake. Take time to think it through once your head is clearer.Personally it would put me off, but then I don't like tattoos at all. My personal choice. I know many people do like them. I would always wonder if any kids we had together would always be second best in your heart, and if you would always pine for the child and in turn, the relationship with your ex, that never was. Women can be paranoid, and it could cause issues about loyalty. I think we all want to be our partners number 1. Something like this, a miscarriage, can be viewed in many different ways, by many different people. Miscarriages are far more common than you realise, and some women can experience them many times over. It just happens in nature. It may sound harsh, but do you think it would be appropriate for them to get a tattoo every time it happened? For many it would just be a reminder of the loss, and potentially stop them from moving on with life, because life does carry on.Your daughter will ALWAYS live on in your memory, and in your heart, and in the hearts of your family. Do you really need a tattoo to act as a memorial?At the moment you are grieving, and that is understandable, BUT you have to look to the future.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2015): We didn't think 'let's get matching tattoos' originally but we wanted to get tattoos in honour of our baby and we both wanted the design my cousin created. She drew a few designs and we separately chose the same one even though we were only separate because she was working and we didn't need to choose together because it was a personal choice. We just both happened to like the same design best. That's what I meant by matching not that we had deliberately chosen to get 'twin' tattoos.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2015): I would give it at least a few months then see how you feel. I know you are upset but just think about it as there are many ways to remember someone.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 January 2015):
 It'd be off-putting to me. Sorry. That's just me though, but I would find it very difficult to see a future with a man who has such a strong tie to a past with another woman. I would not find it off-putting that you wanted to have a tattoo to remember your unborn child, but to have matching tattoos with your ex, who is also your friend, would just pose as too much of a competition to me. I'd make me feel second best and as an "afterthought".
So you shared something special with her, something you will always remember, but a new love interest would not necessarily like to have a constant reminder of this. For this same reason I would also not want to date a man who already has a child with another woman. Just too much competition and I want to be the only woman in my future husbands life, and I want to have a nuclear family with no half-siblings and other women involved. That's just me. If you have a matching tattoo with your ex in remembrance of your unborn child, then you very much do keep the memory of that child alive, and your bond to your ex stays alive, sort of as if the child was alive. If that is your purpose, then get the tattoo. I understand why you'd want it. But just to give you the honest opinion from someone who wouldn't want to date a single father, this would be off putting for the very same reason: I don't like to share my man with his ex, and if you get such a matching tattoo then you're always linking yourself to her, so a new girlfriend will always have to share you with her, will always have a visual and daily remind of your relationship with her, and will always be in competition with her.
If it feels right for you, then have the tattoo. By all means, not all women will be put off by it, and the important thing is to find someone who is right for you! That means a woman who will like you for you, and if you're the type who'd get such a tattoo then the right woman for you will not be put off by it. But, unless this is an idea you feel extremely strongly about, I advice you to wait a little and give it some more thought. Grieve, and then see how you feel about a tattoo. There are other ways to remember, other tattoos one can have. The tattoo you are thinking about is mainly problematic in my eyes because it will be a matching tattoo with your ex. I can only imagine a scenario where your new girlfriend meets your ex, and your ex shows off her matching tattoo. It'd hurt too much, and would give your ex a very powerful weapon should she choose to want to drive a new girlfriend away.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 January 2015):
If my ex wanted the SAME tattoo that's on HIM totally.
I would NOT be involved in his decision or his acquiring said TATTOO.
IF he got the same tattoo that would be on him and not an issue for me but I would NOT in any way shape or form have a tattoo done that has ANY associations with an ex partner if you are asking about HOW future partners feel about it based on my personal experience.
IF you are so resistant to this idea of doing it WITHOUT HER to memorialize your child then perhaps you are not yet detached from your relationship with her.
IN that case, I would put off this tattoo until you no longer think of her as related to the tattoo.
You do not NEED to be with the MOTHER of YOUR child to mourn or love YOUR CHILD.... she is YOUR EX but you are not acting like it.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (20 January 2015):
 Personally, I think you've both been through a traumatic time that will be with you for the rest of your lives. Like you say, you are going through it together, I believe as parents, not a couple. That's why I think it wont matter to someone who loves you and understands that you lost a child and you got the same tattoo as the mother because a family member designed it in honour of your baby. Had it been any other tattoo, I'd probably find it off-putting, but there's no escaping that you are going through this loss with your ex and this is definitely more of a parent thing than a couple thing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2015): The tattoo is in memorial of our child who passed away ! We cant DO things with her ! We are going through this together and the tattoo design happens to be the same because it was done specially for us for our lost daughter.
If you were to get a memorial tattoo if one of your children passed away and your ex wanted to get the same thing because he liked the design not because your getting it , would it muddy your emotions behind the tattoo ?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 January 2015):
I have two children with my ex. they were 3 and 5 when we split up. they are 28 and 30 now...
when we did things together after the divorce we did them FOR THE CHILDREN NOT FOR US.
this tattoo is NOT FOR YOUR CHILD it's for YOU and the child's MOTHER
you two are NOT a couple any more and therefore should NOT do couple things together.. that muddies the water.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2015): update.. the only reason we are both getting a tattoo that matches is because my cousin designed it. She's too young to have the tattoo and she wanted to do something special for it. So we aren't getting the tattoos done together at the same time or having our names put on it but we together were her parents so why shouldnt we get it done together if we do get it done soveryconfused ?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 January 2015):
I had a tattoo on my thigh when I met my husband. It represented my past. I had it covered over with a new tattoo at his request.
I don't like the cover up and while the old tattoo meant something to me the new one just annoys me.
You doing it on your own for YOU is one thing.. doing it WITH YOUR EX may bring up issues later on with new partners.
Tattoos are forever... finish your healing over your loss then make the decision ON YOUR OWN FOR YOU... do not do this with your EX PARTNER no matter how close you two still remain.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 January 2015):
 I can't see why a future partner would have a problem with you dealing with your grief this way. It's not like you put the mother's name on there too.
I would, however, wait a year to decide to do this. That way if you still after a year want this tattoo, then go for it. And any women you might might in the future who can't understand or handle this tattoo, is not worth dating.
And I'm sorry for your loss.
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