A
male
age
41-50,
*ommy2k7
writes:I use an intenet chat service from time to time; I met a girl on there in September(ish) (virtually met) and we both agreed to go out on a date (this was in November). However, she said she couldn't get down (she lives in Yorkshire) because of work commitments so I said I'd go up there (same reason why I couldnt go up there either). We exchanged romantic texts until the start of the New Year when she ended it with me because she wanted to concentrate on her career (as part of cabin crew for an airline) despite me saying I'd wait as long as it takes and that I would go to Yorkshire to see her (I live in Kent) and I would never, ever hurt her.However, a couple of days later I got a pm (private message) from her saying that she's seeing someone else. I asked who, she said it was one of my closest friends (but if he was a real friend he wouldn't have stolen my ex!)I have got another friend who I have been phoning every evening throughout all this, who said that the new person she's seeing has slept with every other girl in the room, and she even sent me a conversation she and him were having on MSN saying some very disturbing things, and they've met and apparently he was trying so hard to have his way with her. Also, every girl I talked to about him says he goes out with people for a month or so then dumps them, and apparently he was still trying to convince girls to meet him when they first started. He says he will change, and that he's found 'the one' (apparently, he's said that to all the girls hes gone out with). Also, he'll hurt her and he wont wait for her. I heard the saying 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. Ever since she told me, I have been crying, haven't been able to eat or sleep properly and can't even work properly.There's also the fact that long distance relationships don't normally work.I just don't want to see her get hurt (I have expressed my feelings via chat and text, but I was thinking of going and expressing them face to face but I don't know)He knows how to turn on the charm as well. What may happen when he does hurt her, she'll come crawling back to me, and, being a gullible old fool, I'll take her back.Also, she has come to Kent this weekend to see him, however when we were together, she wouldn't come down to see me.My friend said she dumped me for him; I just don't know what to believe anymore.I'm 27, she's almost 19, and he's 24.And we did talk about the age gapI do think about her all the time - I just love her and want her back so badly.Last thought - if she did cheat and she comes running back to me, should I say I've got another gf just to do what she probably did to me?!
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male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (1 March 2007):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the question we had a big chat this afternoon, we both apologised for what we'd said to each other, I'm gonna give her space, she knows I'd get back together with her, and we left it like that
A
female
reader, NuttyGooner +, writes (1 March 2007):
 Hang on, hold fire, whoah there, Mr!
You're over analyzing something very simple!
First - this girl doesn't want to know and is seeing someone else. She has been honest and said she is seeing this other guy, she has let you know in the kindest way possible. You have only met once, exchanged a few texts, but she didn't feel the same way - that should be it - end of!
Second - Do you really want someone who went off with a "mate", regardless of your feelings? She didn't take things as seriously as you the first time, what makes you think she'll do it a second time (if she was to come back to you as you seem to think)? You're falling for someone else in exactly the same way - please stop this! Take some time out and learn to love yourself again, you don't need the attention of a girl - my brother's 27, and happy being a batchelor for the moment, when the right girl comes along, then he's happy with that too! Live a little!
Thirdly - This is your first "girlfriend", come on, a few texts and emails do not consitute a relationship, there has to be mutual respect, trust, affection - you didn't get either of those. Join a club, go out with your real mates and DON'T look for a girlfriend, they come about in the most unlikely way and when you least expect it!
If I can be honest, the way you keep banging on about it, you're starting to creep me out!
Get away from your computer and get out some more!
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (1 March 2007):
 You say that she is your "first girlfriend" (albeit a virtual girlfriend), and that you're 27? That says a lot. You're obsessed with this girl and now you say you're falling for another girl (the 17 year old) that is helping you through your pain?
It appears that any female that shows any interest in you whatsoever, becomes a potential mate for you, in your eyes anyway. You are presenting yourself as a desperate and lonely human being. This issue seems to be more about your self esteem then it does your relationship with your "girlfriend". My advice would be for you to seek counseling outside of this site.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2007): Dude! You really do need to stop putting yourself through this obsession! It's been going on over a month now.
Let it go, move on with your life. She can't be worth all this pain you've been feeling, surely?
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A
male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (1 March 2007):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did a terrible thing last night. My ex and I had an argument last night, and I ended up saying things that I didn't mean and now I am truly sorry. With everything thats happened, do you think (in certain circumstances) she would give me another go in the future?
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A
male
reader, tallbloke +, writes (12 February 2007):
Dear oh dear, you are in a bad way.
I must ask, where you quite happy up until you met this girl? If so then try to think back to then & remember how you felt at that time & you'll realise that it's not such a big thing.
If you weren't happy before this then that is something you need to address. i.e. see a councilor or doctor. You are trying to get with this girl to get fulfillment. It would never work. You need to be happy with yourself, then you won't be so desperate for a relationship.
I'd spend a year going to meditation or take up some sort of spiritual healing course. I know, cos I need to do it myself!
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A
male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (2 February 2007):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis may be a long reply but bear with me:
Now that I have done what you suggested, shall wat for her to contact me, if she does! I know this is a longshot now especially as I told her all those things about him, but he's a player, and he will go wrong (despite what he says); so they may be a chance for us in the future. I keep on questoning myself 'is this the right thing to do', but if I dont do something, I'll make it harder for myself!
Secondly, IF she does take me back, or the other way round, I've got to ask myself some tough questons:
She made a promise to my mate that she'd never hurt me and she did; she broker her promise. Do I want to risk that again ; I'll think twice if she, or any woman, makes another promise like that again! It'll take me a while to trust her again!
f that does happen, do I want to be used as a doormat?
When I'm down here and she's in Yorkshire, will she shank up with another man (there is a solution to that, spend half my time up there!)
Do I want to risk all the emotions I went through, and am still going through, again?
It is also hard to see them together.
I was plannng to do so many thngs with her, and I still love her, and I want to see her happy, but it hurts me! Let';s hope she thinks twice and can be happy with me again!
The other question I have to ask myself is do I want to hold out for her (she is 19 and she'll have more boyfriends) or move on?
Do you think she will contact me?? Lee and her were friends for 1 year before they got together, but don't believe players are not capable of true respect.
I just find it hard day after day, until (IF) we get back together.
Also, despite what he says, he won't be able to resist temptation
I just want her back so badly, it's cutting me up inside. However, my friends tell me I'd be a fool to go back to her, as I'd lose my self-respect!
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A
male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (31 January 2007):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother girl is helping me through what I am going through at the moment. The funny / annoying thing about all this is I am falling for her. We have been talking 2 years now. We have both had partners cheat on us, we are both single now and both want to be loved for who we are, and not be cheated on. If she was older I wouldn't hesitate (mind you, my ex is almost 19) but this other girl is 18 in August. Yes, I know, why am I talking to a 17 and a half year old about my problems? Well, we have both been there, done that, and Tash also promised this other girl (promised) that she's never, ever burt me. I don't know whether to leave it or just give her a hint
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A
male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (30 January 2007):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm thinking of giving her an ultimatum - its either him or me - and saying that I don't want to play second fiddle and get fooled around anymore. What do you thik?
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A
male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (30 January 2007):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis begs the question now, is chatting online cheating? This other guy's chatting is flirtatious, bbut he convinces people to do something about it. I know I should get over it, and it takes time. But if she comes back to me, what should I say to her?
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A
male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (30 January 2007):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI take into account what you said yesterday, but I have talked to lots of women and girls who say, and some of them have proved it to me, that the other guy only uses women for one thing. I may be being cynical here, but I think Lee manipulated her into saying yes, as he has manipulated other girls.
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A
male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (29 January 2007):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEarlier, one of my frieds said to me, because she's 19, she'll want to do other stuff and not be tied down by one boyfriend. She may break up with him
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2007): I'm sure she does look and sound a lovely girl but you must judge her on her actions now, you must not cling on to things that she has said in the past... people say things all too easily that they don't really mean. Or, they meant them at the time, but there feelings can change like the wind - it's just the way some people are.
This other guy might not hurt her. You are thinking that he is some horrible nasty guy, but you are the lovely caring guy because it makes it easier for you. The truth is though, you don't know what he is like. She is also very, very young for relationships. Its a (sad) fact of life that many people of that age don't seem to find "healthy" relationships. Instead they contain more sex and eventual abuse of some kind. Perhaps she wants a semi-serious relationship with a man who doesn't care for her too much? It's just the way the world works, people learn from bad relationships in order to come across one that is special and different.
I feel for you because you've waited a long time to get in to a relationship and now you've suffered this horrible heartache. You have to think of everything that is wrong about this set-up, rather than holding on to little things that were only true in the past.
I'm sure you'd make a great boyfriend to a women who is more (emotionally) mature. Someone who can appreciate what you have to offer. This teenager however does not.
You need to start accepting that it is over and that there are countless other potential girlfriends out there.. ones far better than what this girl has offered you.
Who cares if she gets hurt - it's your problem, not hers. Move on! Now!
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A
male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (29 January 2007):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am quite a lonely goy at times!
Can you tell me bit more what you meant when you said that crazy things happe with cabin crew? She wants this job so badly, so I think she may end up ending it with him as well
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A
male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (29 January 2007):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was going to do something very silly - and thought of DontBreakUp.com to get her back! She looks and sounds like a lovely girl - if she did end it to be with him, why did she tell everybody she's like to meet up with me in the first place? Also, she sent me loads of romantic texts!It is also my first girlfriend, so it is quite a hard experience - but when she does get hurt, what shall I tell her if she comes crawling back to me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2007): I think she used it as an excuse to end it with you, to be honest.
You seem like a very sensitive and emotional caring guy, whereas this girl seems like she is more of a party girl who wants to have fun. It means you are coming across as needy and desperate and she is coming across as uncaring and inconsiderate of your feelings - it's what happens when you get opposite people trying to have a relationship.
You need a nurturer in your life who has a good head on her shoulders and who wants a nice secure committed relationship. She is not this girl.
I think maybe you also are feeling lonely? Is there any other things you can do to stop thinking about her? Can you confide in any friends or family - telling someone you love and who understands you can help a lot.
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A
male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (29 January 2007):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDr Pete
I did meet her once
When you say crazy, what do you mean? lol
so, do you think she'll end it with this other guy because of her job?
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A
male
reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (29 January 2007):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, I have met her once; I did go up to Yorkshire and see her
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2007): You have got to stop this obsession over this girl!
Have you even met? You talk as if you two have had a proper relationship together.
You two do not seem right for each other at all. I don't think she wants to hear "i'll never hurt you" and "i'll wait for you forever" it comes across as very desperate.
In my experience, cabin crew staff want a hassle-free fun life - I spent a whole summer working with cabin-crew training when i was much younger and I got to see some crazy things go on.
You don't love her - you have an obsession with her. Stop it, stop it now. Go find a nice lovely nice women, not a girl - who wants the same things as you do.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (29 January 2007):
Am I reading this right, you've never actually met this person face to face? How can you say you've fallen in love? You've invested way too much emotion into this "relationship". If she came crawling back to you, how would you know it was her, if you've never seen her? Maybe some internet photos? Whew, that can be scary. I've heard of women using photos of pin-up models in place of their own photos. Who can tell? I'm probably one of the few people on here that actually uses their own mug shot. Scary, huh?
My suggestion: Forget about her and go out and try meeting real people instead of "virtual people." Just a suggestion.
Good luck!
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