A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I hope you can help me with this. I built up a dream and my love around this girl I meet two years ago. Things were good on those early months, then she started to show her true character after 6 months or so…She started her demands after demands, she didn’t have any friends, nor she wanted to socialize with people to find some good friends. As a results she wanted me to abundant my very good friends which I was just seeing once a month, also she was against me seeing my sick mother twice a week for only few hours, my mother has no one to look after her. It wasn’t only this but she also had very short temper, I couldn’t talk to her or reason with her without she becoming very angry and sometimes even verbally abusive towards me and my family and friends. She always thought she is right in everything. I suddenly find myself in a situations that didn’t know what to do about it!, I told her about my commitments to my mother and everything around me, right from the start of this relationship, and she didn’t express anything against it, but then she turned against it, once she knew she got me emotionally involved. She was such a jealous person and very selfish, and couldn’t even see me progressing in my job, as she was very successful and earning much more than me, but for me that was never ever was issue of how much she earns, I was actually happy for her. I always cared for her progress and was even given her advices which I felt suit to help her in many situations, after all this is how love and caring and relationship should be all about, to look after each other and help one another, and be happy about each others progress.But I could only see her concentrating more and more in her career, and her job, and her earning, without any willingness to share that success with me, our life was becoming all about her and her job and career and her needs. It was like she was going in different road and I am just a tool there for her to be used. It was like she is taking my energy and using me for her progress.Our arguments started when I stopped giving in to her demands, as she was being so unreasonable, I believe in fairness and people who know me, always say you are such a fair person, but she pushed me so much beyond anything that you could imagine as being fair. she wanted to just lock me in the room and for me to have no contact with the outside world, no friends, no one to see but her, nothing to think about but her and her comfort, and her needs, she wanted me for her only.I really couldn’t bare it any more, but funny enough instead of me breaking up with her, she made the above points as an excuse and she broke up with me. Despite all the above I thought she always loved me, but the way she finished with me it was so terrible, it devastated me and my life. I couldn’t believe it. I was shocked to see this person who loved me so much walking away like we had nothing what so ever together, no emotion, no love, no caring nothing. It was just like it was a business deal which is expired for her.But I really loved her, and I never got a chance to even talk to her, I really couldn’t ever worked out what she was up to, and why she finish like this? I love her, and can’t forget her that easy, but I know also she wasn’t the one making me happy. It sounds crazy that my love for her remained so strong despite what I went though, and how she treated me.I want to move on, but don’t know what I should do? It would have helped me to at least to talk to her, and may be it would have useful to her too. But it was like I don’t know this person anymore.How can I move on, and what should I do? Should I try to have her back? I spend two years of my life with her!!!.Please give me your advices, thanks
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female
reader, Cool Cucumber +, writes (29 January 2007):
 It sounds like her needs differed from yours. Quite likely she shut herself off from her feelings when she broke up with you. She must have seen it coming to an end and possibly due to her being hurt in the past etc she decided it was best to break up with you first before you got there. That way she had control over the situation. It sounds like she certainly has some emotional issues she needs to deal with. I admire you for the support you have given her and your kindness. It must have been hard to be with someone who was controlling, jealous etc, uually on here you hear of men being like this, so just goes to show that in some respects women can be like this too!!
As you still love her it won't be easy getting over her. If you truly want to break free and make a clean break it is best to have no contact with her, otherwise feelings will come to the surface. Spending 2 years with someone is not an exceptionally long time, better 2 then 22...! She needs to deal with her problems and to find who she really is as a person. While it is tempting when you love someone to want to try and help them. The best way here that you are going to help her (and you)is to have time and space on your own as a single person. Find hobbies/interests to persue, keep busy, and with time those wounds will heal. Take care and be happy in yourself. x
A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (29 January 2007):
 This sounds a lot like a letter I read a couple of months ago. Either it's the same person, or an uncanny resemblence. In either event, I'll answer it the same way.
You should be thanking your maker that she dumped you!!!
I had an old teacher that used to tell kids to go beat their heads against the wall, because it felt good when you stopped. Being out of your relationship should feel good to you, 'cause it sounds like she beat your head against the wall.
You need to stop sniffling and start celebrating. She did you a favor. Get up off your knees and get on with your life . . . and don't look back.
Good luck!
P.S. - Don't EVER let someone tell you how much time you can spend with your mother. Sheeesh!
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A
male
reader, Dagwood  +, writes (29 January 2007):
 Hi Anon. Sorry to hear this buddy, it sounds like you have the love blues really badly. Don't worry so do I and many people out there, it's normal after a break-up! The thing is; why did you want to stay in the relationship for so long even though she was selfish and unkind? In a way you were hurting yourself by accepting her behaviour. I had a very similar experience which kind of triggered a mid-life crisis which is hard to handle as it seems to consume your entire life. If this is happening to you I suggest you go see your family doctor and discuss it with him. Ask him for the name of a relationship counsellor. Its great talking to a stranger about how you feel. They put things in perspective. In this way you'll figure out what it is you really want from a relationship and in life. You'll learn to love yourself more and be self confident so you'll be more selective of your next partner and won't accept this type of crap (excuse the language) again. Keep away from your ex, try not think about her too much by spending time with family, friends and doing the things you like.Sign up for some dancing and yoga classes. Go jogging; get fit in body and soul. The pain will go away in time, it’s not your fault, and the issues were hers. Keep me posted on your progress or send me a personal message if you need more support. Take care.
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