A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm so worried all the time when it comes to my relationship. I've been with my lovely, sweet, thoughtful boyfriend for a year and a half. We are living together for a year - it felt right as we had known each other a year before dating and we both needed to live somewhere. I'm really attracted to him even though he is totally different to anyone I've ever even fancied before! But I'm constantly worried something bad is going to happen! Like he still loves his exes (all of them) or he's going to get bored of me. Or cheat on me, or when he watches a certain type of porn it's because he I'm not his type, or that he's watching too much porn because he's not attracted to me anymore. Or that when he tells me we'll maybe marry next year that it's all a big lie and he's just stringing me along. Etc etc etc!! It's like I latch on to any bad thing in our relationship and run with it! I want to stop the insecurity, it's going to ruin my happiness and my relationship with him! He tells me not to worry and he tells me he loves me everyday. He says he wants me to be happy and he respects me. My last relationship lasted 8 years and my boyfriend was controlling and always putting me down. I was bullied for many years as a child and as a result it seems to be ingrained in me that something bad always follows something good. Therapy has helped a lot but I'm on the last hurdle and it feels like it won't go away!!! Help me learn to be relaxed and happy! :-)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2014): Sorry to hear your feel this way, a lot of people do - its quite normal. It can be over a relationship or are they good enough at their job or are they good enough parents.....Usually these feelings are put into context and dealt with but for some people the feelings overwhelm them.Yes things may go wrong in any relationship BUT you can do things to reduce this.Try reading a book by John Gottman: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; What Makes Love Last; The Relationship Cure; Why Marriages Succeed or Fail; - any of these will help you.Also divert yourself from this train of thought, every time you start to feel bad, go and do something...read an absorbing book, go to the gym, call a friend,take up knitting!! anything to get out of 'bad thought' habit.Take a copy of your post and give to your therapist so that they can fully understand where you are coming from
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2014): My best friend is 35. She has three children under the age of 12 with the man of her dreams and they had it all. He died in an accident two years ago last month. She lost her home and her job. She is mow getting back on her two feet and has started dating again. She inspires me. Things happen and there is no guarantee. Live your life for the moment and in the present. That's all you have right now.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2014): It comes down to the fact you don't feel you deserve to be happy.
First and foremost. Kill the concept of "the one;" and the crap about "soul-mates." People scar themselves for life with that foolish concept. Believing only one person on earth can love them. You found one, you'll find others.
How can only one person be fit for us, when there are billions on this planet? You were lucky to find another one. The last wasn't. So you made up for that.
Clear your skull of "one person" being meant for you; and that will set you free. He might be. That's yet to be established. That's why humans can't read the future. So we can live in present. We can only dream of the future, so we can make plans. Create goals. God's mercy. Get it?
Bad things have happened to you time and time again.
You think somehow that's your fault. You think you make bad decisions, you're uncertain if you're worth being loved, you feel you're some kind of bad-luck charm. You feel you're a magnet for unhappiness. There is the inevitable rhetorical question we all ask ourselves. Why me?
Been there, done that.
You're not alone. Your painful experiences overshadow your triumphs; because you never give yourself any credit.
I know; because I share that same feeling sometimes. I have to look back at my own accomplishments to remind myself sometimes when I feel that I'm fighting a losing battle.
When everything seems to be an uphill climb. I have to be my own cheerleader. Use my own backbone for support.
There is misfortune and disappointment that comes as a part of life. It helps us to develop tools for survival. It builds inner-strength, empowers us in order to take control of our destiny, and set our own goals. It helps us to build the muscle to overcome adversity, learn through trial and error; and it shapes our character.
Some people mistake life for hell. The same people never see the good side of anything.
That's a matter of outlook and perspective. Sometimes the glass isn't just half-full. It's not empty!!!
Stop blaming yourself and give yourself a break. You really need to remember that we all make mistakes. When we do, we are allowed to forgive ourselves. We are not destined to always screw up. If you live a lifetime, you'll make a lifetime of mistakes. Duh!!! Welcome to humanity!
If that's all you dwell on, then you you feel everything is going to end in tragedy. Because you don't believe you can do anything right. So you rely too heavily on others hoping they can. Only, you've trusted and it was misplaced.
How could it be possible that any life is a total tragedy? For anyone? Only criminals don't learn from mistakes; because they are over-confident they can get away with anything. You have a conscience. You should own some
responsibility; but don't accept all the blame.
We smart people may not always accomplish our every goal; but we don't underestimate our potential, or deny the possibilities! You must adopt this attitude.
God knows I've made my share of mistakes, or had bad luck. However; I learn from my mistakes. I refuse to surrender to failure. We're always likely to come across a period of hard luck. That is inevitable. Such is life.
You try to be resilient. Spring back in spite of all odds. That is strength. Strength builds confidence. Love isn't guaranteed, and it's unpredictable. So you make the best of it, once you find it.
You're wasting precious time when you dwell on the reasons it isn't going to last. How do you know something is going to go wrong? If it does, "no one" is your "only one." We have hundreds of others that are waiting. Ready and willing to be ours. You select "the person" fate has presented to us to love, and to love us; here and now.
That allows us to be optimistic; and to trust ourselves to correct, or avoid, our mistakes. We don't put all that burden on their backs. We share it. It makes the load feel lighter. We are partners. One supports the other. You have to carry your own weight. Not just lean on him. He needs you too. That's why you found each other.
Nobody is immune to suffering and pain. Infallible. We are all vulnerable.
If you didn't do anything wrong, it's not your fault.
A string of mishaps are a matter of fate. The down-cycle of your life. That cutout portion of life when all seem to go wrong. You've come to a crossroads. Something is changing.
It's a shift.
We have the wisdom and foresight to manipulate fate. That's why pessimism is illogical. We're not infants lost in the woods. Helpless and feeble. Trust and use your instincts.
There isn't a human on this earth who has a perfect life.
You have to learn to count your blessings. No matter how small. God didn't create you just to dump on you. You were put here to love and be loved; like all the rest of us flawed and imperfect creatures.
You have to drive out your demons one at a time. You have post traumatic stress leftover from an abusive relationship.
You had an abusive childhood. You are ever conscious of all this history. Sometimes you have to let bad things go. Let wounds heal. Love and appreciate life. Be thankful.
Therefore, you should know when you are allowing the past to infiltrate your present relationship. That's when you arm your mind for battle. Only you have the power to control your thoughts, emotions, and behavior. Believe it or not, your destiny is in your own hands. If you want to be happy, you will do everything you can to find happiness.
If you don't believe in happiness, you'll give up. You'll never find it; because you have no reason to search for it.
To some degree, people wrongfully seek relationships to cure their emotional ills and to ward off loneliness. In essence, they are seeking someone to makeup or compensate for their own weaknesses. That's using another person as a safe-haven. Running from your troubles, and using others to fend them off. That's lazy, selfish, and parasitical. Don't use people as pain-killers. You set yourself up for disappointment.
That kind of dependency leaves you open to doubt and fear.
That's why loving yourself first is essential.
You're insecure because you're unsure if they can fight all your fears; and destroy all your demons. So you don't trust them, or yourself. Because you don't engage in the battle using your own weapons. You stand defenseless by choice. Doing so makes you feel naked, and totally at their mercy.
You're afraid they'll abandon you when you need them most. Leaving you vulnerable and defenseless to everything that can hurt you. That's what you need to work on. That is the basis of your worries.
You have to fight your own fears. Only you know what they are. That's what therapy is helping you to identify, and give you tools to alleviate. It depresses you. You refuse to trust yourself. To believe you are worthy. To summon and utilize your own power. Also to realize that you've always had the strength to survive. You haven't recognized the fact that you are already a success.
You're still here! Sane enough to write your story!
Here you are. Telling us the hell you've been through, and the little hell you're creating for yourself.
You just don't realize how far you've come to do this. Now all you have to do is believe happiness is something real.
Not an evasive or make-believe concept.
Over the course of a lifetime, for some people too often;
live spirals downward. For reasons sometimes unexplained.
You may hit bottom; but once that happens, the only way from there is up! It's a struggle. Recognize your own power. You're telling us about it. You're not in an institution or dead; but actually out there finding help, you found love on you own. You believed in love enough to to know you feel it, now believe you can keep it. Expect some bumps along the way. That's how it goes. Always will.
Hey...I think you could teach the rest of us a few things.
IT DOES GET BETTER! You've proven it. Feel blessed!
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A
male
reader, DragonMan +, writes (27 January 2014):
 Greetings,
In situations like this I find that there are two causes for this, instinct(experience) or plain fear.
You need to ask yourself which of these it is, are you being dictated by bad past relationships or worse in cases of pain with him or are you acting this way purely out of fear of losing him.
After this you need to fix this yourself as fear cannot be beaten externally, it has been dominated by your own will.
Yes friends and family can support you but you cannot lean on them forever.
Don't confront him about this as it will cause things to get tense.
In time s like these meditation works wonders to help provide you with a clear mind
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (27 January 2014):
 Has all the worrying done anything good for you? You see that it is bad for you and your relationship, yet you continue to do it. No amount of worrying has ever kept a relationship together. Wise thinking and communication you can stay together. Wisdom keeps relationships together, but foolishness breaks them up.It is not written anywhere that any one man will be with you forever. There are a million reasons why people do not work out, so just enjoy the time you have. When you keep hoping for the worst, most likely that is exactly what you end up with. The old saying “Be careful what you wish for.” Clear your head, and just enjoy being in love. When things go bad, it does not mean it’s the end, it means there is something in your relationship that needs to be change to make things better. Most people run rather than changing what is wrong with themselves, out of fear, or anger, and a lack of wisdom. However, that does not mean giving up your dignity to keep your relationship…no man deserves that. Again, clear you head of all bad thinking. Let love lead you, not fear.Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.
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