A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HelloI would like an opinion If anyone has the time?I need to know If I am just plain insecure and low seld esteem or If I have reason!I'll try keep to the point. Got with my boyfriend 2 years ago, when we first got together he was texting other girls, apparantly as 'mates'. He had history with one though, they had slept together. But messages had loads of kisses. Anyway the more serious we got, after couple of months all the messages stopped and he became serious about me. We have been serious now for 2 years roughly and he treats me very nice. He knows I was a bit upset at the start about the messages and he has apologised for how he acted at the start and said he was unsure to his feelings for me straight away.Anyway like I said he has been lovely for 2 years and trustworthy but I still get jealous and insecure when he goes to events that this girl will be. She is extremely pretty, talented, funny and does the same training as him. I think he will end up leaving if she turned around and said she wanted him. I felt like he settled for me at the start because he couldnt get her. How do I change my way of thinking? Or do I have valid reason?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2014): I totally agree with wise owl... he chose you, and apologised about how he acted. He loves you, and chose you he didnt settle.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2014): I think it's your own insecurity. She's pretty, a friend with history, and they have things in-common. I wouldn't turn blinders; but I wouldn't set phasers on stun either. (I'm a Trekkie)
Now clarify something here. You said once he became serious about you, all the texting to other women virtually stopped? That he's nice. He gave up all the other women, but "settled" for you?
NO my dear, HE CHOSE YOU!!!
Trust your own value and what you bring to the table. He picked you to commit to, and to call his girlfriend. We'll never know if he'll chose her over you; unless you give him reason to.
You're right about insecurity. It's jealousy that she is pretty, funny, and (does?) the same training as him. Heaven forbid a straight guy should have "female" friends. Men can't control our penises.
You're present when you're all at events together. It's a small world, and we're likely to run into our friends who share common interests. Maybe it's less than coincidence; but it's fun to share events with our friends. Sometimes their gender isn't a factor.
The reason you can't believe there's no hanky-panky is because she's pretty. You want her gone. That would make you feel better.
That is certainly a character-trait we should keep an eye on. Pretty girls are all out to steal other women's guys and girlfriends.
You'd be surprised how sexy and seductive women you wouldn't consider pretty can be. Don't hate her because she's beautiful!
Listen up you! You caught his eye, you must have something going for you. You're just a little territorial.
That's kind of sexy! Get a grip girlfriend! It's also irrational and possessive.
Calm down. You're a woman in her thirties and this isn't high school. I assume you are all in the same age-group; and we are talking about educated and intelligent adults here.
Trust him until there is evidence that his friendship goes beyond the friend-zone. Never let jealousy invade or control your relationship. It is an irrational fear, which requires no evidence to grow out of control.
We all have a certain degree of jealousy for our significant other. That's normal, and it keeps us on our toes to do all we can to distance the competition. We have to also trust that our mates value having us, and wouldn't jeopardize losing us. He deserves to feel trusted, I can't feel loved without it. Could you?
It is also smart to be vigilant for the possibility that our mate may be in the way of temptation. So we assess each person in their lives; and place them in the appropriate category. Friend or foe. Don't be prejudiced and limit that only to pretty girls. No fair!!! There are cute guys that still like YOU and are probably still your friends. I don't know too many attractive women who don't have cute guy friends. Your wall on Facebook is full of them. Deny it!
I don't believe you!
Distrust should not be because we are jealous of the good traits another person has. If that is the case, try improving your own personality to become more self-confident. The problem is yours, not his or hers.
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A
male
reader, DragonMan +, writes (27 January 2014):
 Greetings,
I can understand your situation and my first words of advise would be control your negative feelings.
It can be pretty common for people to think this way especially under these circumstances however it will only serve in a negative way if you linger on this sensation.
The best advise I can give you is to ask him how he feels but word it in such a way that doesn't sound accusing or insulting.
Unfortunately speaking as a guy I can say that guys can at times do 'window shopping' and whilst it is not acceptable in my mind it happens. So talk to him, discuss the situation calmly and as neutral as you can and if need be try and arrange some time together just you and him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2014): I'm very insecure myself and I often feel exactly how you do!
Yet I don't think you need to worry. He stopped all the texting when he got serious about you and you didn't even have to ask him to. That should say it all. He chose you!
Also my therapist tells me that when my insecure thoughts go around in my head with regard to my relationship, that I am to stop and write down/list all of the great things about the relationship and to focus on those thoughts and remember memories of good things :-) it works!
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