A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Am I wrong to be upset that I don't think my husband finds me physically attractive? I think he married me for reasons other than appearance like that we get on and that we have similar values, wanting a family and same financial goals etc. He often talk about another family member being a fool for marrying his very pretty wife for looks because they are always fighting. He says he should have known better than to choose a pretty wife. I can't help but wonder what that means he thinks about me I didn't think this would worry me at first but he never has once said anything nice about my appearance even when we dated and it's starting to matter to me, a LOT. I'm too embarrassed to come out and ask if if he is physically attracted to me and I feel he would say of course he is even if it were not true. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 April 2017):
 Instead off asking him what he thinks about you, talk to him and tell him how you feel. Explain to him that you feel undesired and not as beautiful because he never compliments you and seems to compliment others. He may not even realize he is doing this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2017): I think HE is the fool for acting the way he does! You have a longstanding issue with him refusing to give you even the most basic of physical compliments. I am surprised that you didn't raise this issue before marriage. That is unfortunate, as now you have an obligation to try to work this out instead of just walking away (which maybe would have been best). Do you have any children with him? Honestly, I think you MAY end up needing to leave him, and I will get to my reasons. But before you leave, you have to get to the bottom of WHY he is acting the way he is. If he is not attracted to you physically, this is NOT going to work. So he needs to be honest with you. However, I think it is more likely that he IS attracted to you, but he is a bit of a twisted person and doesn't want to feed your ego or say what you want to hear, because he is a contrary person who has his own issues. Believe me, I have encountered and heard about these types of people-- NOT an easy person to have a relationship with. There could be many psychological reasons why he refuses to compliment you. The thing is, everyone is beautiful in their own way, so if he loves you, OF COURSE he could tell you you are beautiful! The thing is, for whatever reason he doesn't want to give you that satisfaction! He would much rather hold out on you. It is probably part of a power struggle- it gives him the upper hand, and keeps your self-confidence lower, and thus keeps you needing him more.There can be different triggers for this kind of "holding back". He could have a very big ego/ borderline narcissistic personality, and thus HE has to be the best, the most attractive, and cannot stand to praise someone else as he thinks that would take away from himself! On the other hand, he could have low self-esteem, and thus be afraid that if he complimented you, you might see yourself as better than him and go out and flirt with other men. However, in both cases I DO think there is a large degree of self-centeredness, and in both cases I think it revolves around seeing complimenting someone else as taking away from HIMSELF. Finally, he could be questioning his sexuality. Why do I bring this up? Because sometimes men who struggle with this issue react by being overly-critical and/or holding back on all compliments from their wife/spouse. I think the psychological block is that they are looking to find other reasons for not being physically attracted to their wife other than the fact that they are gay (which they can't admit to themselves yet). So, you get some men calling their perfectly healthy wives fat, or, like in your case, just refusing to say they are attractive at all even when asked point blank. I think maybe another part of this is that it is an excuse to put distance between the spouses, and it also keeps the self-esteem of the wife low so that she doesn't expect too much sex. Again, I think that maybe the difficulty of denying one's sexuality comes out as this meanness. Now I am in NO way saying that all gay men who haven't come out yet act like this, however I advise you about this because this IS one psychological phenomenon that happens. So my dear, I encourage you to get to the bottom of his behaviour. You are right that it is majorly concerning. He may be deeply insecure, but in the end this is going to push you away further toward an affair if he cannot express his desire for you. How is your sex life otherwise? Does he show physical affection at other times? Perhaps counselling can help you get to the bottom of his psychology, and you can see if you can go from there?Even so, from the sounds of it, you will always have to beg this man for compliments. And when you have to beg for compliments, they aren't really compliments at all. I think over time you will get VERY tired of this behaviour. Better to leave now before there are children involved. No matter what the reason this issue may not be solvable.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2017): That was not a "silly" question for you to ask. He compliments other women but not you. Maybe you should ask him why he doesn't think it's "silly" to compliment other women. There was a list of ways on how to lose a woman on a site called broadblogs.com you might want to look at. One of them was don't compliment her. Another was don't listen to her, which I think also applies in your case.
Men take note that I think this list could also apply to how to lose a man.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2017): Op here, thanks for the replies . I should make it clear that this is not a case of me seething over some percieved affront or one comment as you ASSUME . If you read my post , the comment was just one of many things , including the fact he has never once made one positive comment on my appearance , despite the fact he seems able to positively compliment other womenSo yes it's true no one can read minds but as an agony aunt ( or uncle ) please read all the concerns and don't assume it's just a matter of me expecting him to read my mind .Incidentally I asked him tonight whether he finds me attractive and his answer was that I shouldn't ask him such silly questions .Although that may be enough for some . I would like a man who doesn't mind being explicit at least once in the fact he is attracted to me and I don't think that's too much to ask
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2017): "I can't help but wonder what that means he thinks about me"
What he meant was he's glad he didn't marry you for looks alone because his marriage is a good one.
Honest to God, I get so annoyed with posters who are always finding ways to take affront at what are meant to be sincere compliments and then inwardly seethe for days on end.
HE CAN'T READ YOUR MIND so he can't apologize for some perceived slight you're brooding about of which he is completely unaware.
For Chrissakes, TALK TO HIM!!!!!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2017): Don't be embarrassed to ask your husband if he finds you attractive. No, it's not the most important thing in a marriage, but it feels nice to be complimented on occasion by one's significant other. Ask him and I'll bet you'll find out he does find you attractive.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2017): CaringAunt , I show and tell him that I love and appreciate him all the time in both words and actions . I also manage to tell him that I find him
Attractive . I honestly don't think it's too much to ask that my husband tell
Me he is attracted to me at least once in our lives together in
Actual words . I found your advice very judgemental and not particularly helpful, in the least it was unkind and quite possibly cruel .
A woman wanting to know she is physically attractive to her spouse is not a sin to be ashamed of and I feel my feelings were invalidate
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (5 April 2017):
 Put the shoe on the other foot and ask yourself would you rather a husband have similar values, wanting a family and same financial goals etc. like you OR a foolish husband that’s so gorgeous looking yet fights regularly with you?
Your husband is practical and wise as he knows the foundation of a successful marriage is more than what meets the eye... a pretty face. He appreciates what’s underneath your outer beauty.
I believe he finds you most attractive where it counts to have a prosperous marriage. He is proud of you, your similar thinking which gives stability, and he no doubt finds you physically attractive too but does not say it with words. His actions do all the talking.
I think hubby’s comment about his brother’s turbulent marriage was really a great compliment to your inner beauty. Yet you concentrate on the superficial aspect – your facial beauty, he never has once said anything nice about my appearance ever! As if make-up, youthfully looks, skinny bodies and fighting with each other make a successful marriage?
Be that you’re so concerned about what hubby thinks about you; surely your husband can ask the same; whether he measures up to the looks you desire in a man? However a man is more concerned about his role as provider, not fishing for compliments about his looks as much. So if he is your ideal provider how often do you say and show you appreciate him?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2017): Yes he would be showing maturity of I really felt looks were not so important to him but I should have mentioned that looks are very important to him. The wife of his friend who he mentioned who is very pretty is one woman he obviously thinks is very pretty as he stares at her with his mouth almost on the floor every time we are there . He stops of he sees me notice . I'm pretty sure he is actually jealous of men who he feels have pretty wives and regrets his choice and that's why he tries to justify it
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (5 April 2017):
 I suspect one of two things is going on here: either your husband is showing unusual maturity and insight (for a male) into what makes a lasting relationship, or he has been turned down in the past by a good looking female and now has a downer on them.
Most men are much more in need of visual stimulation than most women (hence why you more often see less attractive men with better looking women than the other way round). However, there are always exceptions to the rule. I know of a number of good relationships where the males are very attractive but the females less so. However, without fail, the females have wonderful personalities, and it is this that keeps their men by their side.
Looks will fade in time. Someone's appearance is a very poor basis for a long term relationship. Shared values and similar goals in life will keep a couple together much longer than a pretty face.
I can understand why you are concerned that your husband does not find you attractive, but I suspect he actually does, but his attraction to you is based on much more than a purely physical instinct.
Instead of over-thinking, just relax and be happy with him (if, indeed, he does make you happy - if he doesn't, then that is a completely different problem). you)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2017): I think you missed his message entirely, and maybe you should have asked him to clarify exactly what he means by what he said. If your husband has shown you nothing but love and has always treated you well; is there any reason to doubt his feelings for you?
Oh, of course we need the validation from our mates that we are attractive to them and they have sexual desire for us. I think the proof of that comes in their actions. If he is always touching you, and always wants sex; he must have the hots for you. He can tell you whatever you want to hear; but nothing speaks louder than his actions. Some guys are romantics and full of sweet-talk and lovey-dovey ways. The same guys are often players and cheaters; and know just how to butter you up. Real love cannot be faked. It can't be imitated, and it hits you in all the right places. Emotionally, psychologically, and physically. You trust them without effort, and they trust you.
Considering looks fade with time, you should hope your husband married you for more reasons than your looks. If he's stayed by your side through thick and thin, and he has worked his ass off for his family; no proof could be more powerful than that.
Put pride aside and go ahead and ask. It's better than mind-reading or thinking the worst; when you could be 100% wrong.
Does he never show you affection or kindness? Does he never give you looks without words, that swell your heart and make you feel warm allover?
If he never does any of these things. What was your reason for consenting to marry him? Why have you stayed if you get nothing out of the marriage? If he is cruel or shows you no affection; then why exactly are you with him? Do you not find him attractive? Is he just there because he's a good provider? Did you just say yes to the first man that asked you to marry him?
I think your husband was philosophizing and chose his words poorly. He may have unintentionally hurt your feelings; and that's where you have to make him aware of what he did.
I don't think he would intentionally imply you're not attractive. I think he was trying to say marrying someone for beauty's sake is unreal. Particularly someone very aware of their looks and using them to manipulate, or full of conceit. Don't put down the value of plainer ladies; they are just as lovable and desirable as any other woman. Every woman has your own unique appeal. The right man will find her and appreciate it.
Marrying someone for exactly who they are is real and more rewarding. If he married you for other than appearance, then looks are not the highest priority on the list. If he thought you weren't attractive at all, he wouldn't go so far as to marry you; because you're a good cook or housekeeper. You could have remained his girlfriend; so he can trade you in for an upgrade, and leave you with more ease.
If you don't feel loved for who you are and he has not demonstrated his love to you; you've always had the option to leave a loveless marriage. Otherwise; you are staying for reasons other than love yourself.
...............................
|
