A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I have this guy that I have been seeing for a few months now! Its not a LDR but we do live almost two hours from each other and with work commitments and other things we have only seen each other three times but we talk every single day! We have had sex twice but last time he commented on the fact the i was lazy and he was doing most of the work, i completely agree with this and can see where he is coming from but I am going to meet up with him in a few days and I feel extra pressure now especially as we have done a lot of sexting over the past few weeks and I feel like i can't live up to what has been said! I suppose my question is how can I explain to him that its not that I am lazy its just that i am not very experienced and i dont want to disappoint him?! Because thats really not attractive in the slightest! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 August 2015):
 Firstly, There is NOTHING that can be considered "work" during sex....it's all pleasure. If he sees it as "work" then perhaps he should look for another "job"
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2015): Honesty is the best way to establish open communication and to take pressure off yourself. He might have been somewhat insensitive by being so point-blank to his lover, but he got a point across to let you know how he feels. Now you should be honest and straightforward in return; and just tell him you are inexperienced and to be gentle with you. Let him know you just aren't sure what it is you should be doing; so guide you and let you know. He's judging you by your phony sext-talk!
Do nothing you can't handle, until you can handle it. Don't pretend to be someone you aren't to please and deceive him.
Another thing, holding back your true feelings; or just taking whatever people say to you, isn't the way you build a trusting and working relationship. You establish equality in your relationship from the very start. There must be mutual respect from the get go! Bear this in-mind at all times! He has a lot of freaking nerve!
In a romance, people need to learn how to talk to each other; not just abruptly insult each other, or be brutally honest during an argument or fight. Otherwise, holding it all back until it's forced out, or they want to crush the other person's feelings.
Just ask questions and reveal answers. It's not that difficult. Our society is brought up on political correctness; or we go to the far extreme, flat-out rudeness. It's as if no one knows how to express themselves distinctly and to the point. Watching out for the other person's feelings, while the other person tramples all over theirs. It's stupid, for lack of a better word.
People are one thing behind a device, and another when you face them in real-time. That's another problem.
You talk everyday? What do you talk about, the weather? You sext by phone; then try living up to your end of the conversation. Put your big words into action, or tone them down. Sexting was his idea, and you just gave-in. You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself by trying to hold-on to a guy by carrying on a relationship under false pretenses. Conducting a relationship largely by phone. Then when it's time to interact in person, you have no clue.
That's the problem here. Not so much inexperience, as the inability to express yourself in a person-to-person intimate situation. You're holding back, because your heart isn't in it. It's easier to talk the talk, than to walk the walk. On top of all that, you really don't know him.
Be totally honest and tell him that what he said hurt your feelings. Also let him know you've been exaggerating to a point to keep him interested. You know you have. All this is because you created a "cell-phone personality" who doesn't really exist. Now set the record straight, relax, and don't let him push you farther than you're comfortable going. Don't allow him to speak to you disrespectfully.
He's also right. If you're going to have sex, don't let him do all the work. Then get on the phone, and get him all worked up. That's like those phone-sex lines where there's some faceless stranger being paid to talk dirty. You're not that kind of person. Be yourself and he will fall for you, not someone you've created for his fantasy.
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A
female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (2 August 2015):
Dear OP,
Whether you're experienced or not, I find it rude to tell you that you are "lazy" in bed. Especially after you've only had sex twice (!) so far. And only three real dates. Sounds like he is not very patient. When I am with someone new, it usually takes a while until I've figured out what he likes. Even if I am experienced. I find it weird that he is already acting pissed off after two times of sex. Are you sure HE is so experienced? I'm not convinced.
Chivalry is dead, I guess, but before apologizing for your lack of experience and putting all the pressure and blame on you.. are you okay with this?
I don't know. Sounds like he's not THAT much into you and rather looking for some entertainment. Meeting you only if sex is on the menu, and if your performance is satisfactory.
Of course you feel pressure like that.
My advice would be to consider exchanging the guy for someone who is living closer and/or is more willing to see you. And to be more upfront about your lack of experience in the future, it will explain certain things and (hopefully) make men more patient and careful with you.
But if you want to stay together with him, I recommend honesty. It's nothing bad to be inexperienced, unless the man you are dating is a douche. So, your honesty can be a good douche-test.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 August 2015):
 You must be much sweeter-tempered than I am - nor that it takes a lot for that, probably :)- because my attitude would be quite different. I could not take his comment so good - naturedly , because 1 ) what, pot calling kettle back ? He must be lazy too, if you are datinge since a few months ( 4, 5 ? What does it mean exactly " a few " months ? ) and all he could engineer was 3 dates ! Ok, so you are LDR- less than 2 hours. That's a very undainting distance that , if people are motivated ,warrants spending all weekends together, for instance. Too costly,let's say ? ( ... btw, says I, if you do not have enough money to substain an LDR- then accept it and just date locally ! Just my 2 cents ). Ok, let's make it alternate weekends . Everybody works, everybody has social commottments, so if he could not see you more than 3 times in a few months- then HE is the lazy one !. Unless, of course, ..you are the lazy one - but, seeing how eager to please him you look from your post, I imagine that's not exactly the case.
2) what way to put the problem into words ! What does he want, " satisfaction or his money back ?! "
Mind you : sexual compatibility IS important, and so it is communicating openly about wants and needs, if people do not express what works for them, and do not use their first encounters to find their common groove , then they are in trouble.
But, there are ways to do and say things ! I wonder, how come he was not at least CURIOUS to find out how why you are a bit passive. It did not cross his mind to find out if YOU felt good, if YOU were at your ease with him, if there is anything that HE can do to help reachong sexual harmony....
No, it's like, hey, you don't wiggle your tail ( pun not intended ) enough, you are too lazy, you'd better work on it or else - I won't be pleased.
Yeah ok but, what about you ?
Why are you so anxious and worried to please HIM... and not to get the utmost pleasure from this experience, both physically and MENTALLY ?
I guess being rated " too lazy- not quite satisfying " as if you were a rookie clerk in her trial period , who needs to fight hard and learn fast to keep her job, can't make you feel so wonderful, but THAT instead should be your focus : on feeling wonderful, on feeling like a love goddess when you are together.
So, while you DO need to tell him that you lack experience and that he needs to be patient and " work " with you- do not go to him hat in hand , pleading his benevolence and his forgiveness for your crime of not knowing as many moves as a porn star !
You CAN tell him that you are not very experienced yet, what's wrong with that ?, and that you feel a bit out of your depth with him. And that, while obviously the desire and the physical attraction are there , at times for you it is difficult to translate this in acrion, just because ... it's a new dance :) and you do not know all the steps yet. But everybody knows that having a GOOD teacher can work wonders.
It is also not surprising that you can be sexy, naughty and raunchy .. on paper , i.e. on PC- because it's a mental thing, and your are " protected " by your PC screen , at a safe distance, but all another thing is being there physically, at close contact, naked, under scrutiny,vulnerable, having to relinquish control... and feeling a bit intimidated by someone whom you do not know that well yet, who has more experience than you ( and who expresses his sexual preferences without too much tact ,let's not forget that ) .
In short, what you feel is very normal , and do not hesitate to tell him about it., I think any " normal " guy would be receptive and understanding. ( Any normal guy who were in this not JUST for his quick, selfish physical release, that is ). If you can have sex with a man- but then you do not feel close enough to him to tell him without shame what your difficulties in bed are,.... then probably you should be having sex not with him but with someone else !
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (2 August 2015):
 Truthfully tell him that you are in his hands and you'd like him to help you discover more.
Do not be concerned that you know little. Explain that you know little an you want to improve. It happens to all of us.
If you can find the book "joy of sex" on line then consider studying that.
Ask exactly what he wants and how he can show you to make it better. He will no doubt enjoy tailoring your "training" to exactly suit his needs, and be very grateful as you pass each hurdle to his satisfaction.
And tell him especially what feels good and when and where. Plus let him know what you want less of or more of.
He will appreciate the feedback.
It takes a while but if you can endure perhaps 12 to 18 months of regular face to face instructions (difficult work, but someone's got to do it:) under his expert tutelage then the end result should be great for the two of you.
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