A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Before my girlfriend I was a virgin, we have been dating for 5 months and its been great fantastic and wonderfull.Currently the main problem in our relationship is how I feel about her sexual past.Personally I have become gradually more insecure about the fact that she has had a sufficiently larger amount of sexual partners than I have (10 since the age of 15) she is by no means what someone would call a "whore" I completly trust her and her past has simply been a couple of one night stands and several short term boyfriends.I am not insecure about my sexual prowess, (despite being a virgin at 20 she claims me to be an great lover, in comparrison to her other experiances and we enjoy sex execptionally frequently over the last 8 months) but I am concerned with the deep unhappiness that I feel when I consider her past.There is also a side that feels like I have missed out on some of the experiances that she has had.She knows about my problem, and is sympathetic and equally concerned of the effect that my insecurities may have on our relationship To be honest part of the reason i feel so insecure is because I feel so strongly about her, and I hate thinking about the fact she has been with other men. Our concern is that I may eventually grow tired of my inability be able to handle the facts of her past, and that this could end our relationship :-(Any advice on this problem would be greatly appreciated
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her past, insecure, one night stand, sexual past Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (22 May 2007):
 You are in a common situation. Many guys come on this site saying what you have. I did too, although I was not a virgin, and my gf's numbers were much higher than yours, but then we're both older. I should add that we're still together a year later, and the situation is much improved.
I can tell you that many people told me things like 'the past is the past' and 'it made her who she is today', and none of that did anything for me. For me they were platitudes. Personally I believe the past is not irrelevant. In every area of our lives we judge others on past actions, it would be strange that this would be any different. One can equally argue that the murder a man committed ten years ago 'made him the man he is today'. Sorry for the example, but it shows the emptiness of the statement. For me at least.
There is no absolute right or wrong in this. There is no external person who can say to you 'yes, what she did is bad, you are right to feel the way you do', or the opposite: 'no, she is entitled to her life as she led it, and you have to accept it'. The reality is that both are true at once, and that only you can make sense of this. You will have to find a way for both the conflicting feelings to make sense at the same time.
Another way to put this is that analyzing the 'problem' won't lead you to a solution. The path to getting over it isn't to make sense of it with your mind, but rather to accept the emotions without having to look for reasons in them. The reality is you know the reasons already (they are simple). The 'reasons' aren't going to help you. You'll never end the contradiction by thinking about it. The only way to be at peace is to accept the feelings and not 'consider her past' as you put it. You hate thinking about the fact that she has been with other men, so stop thinking about it. The thinking will only lead you to more pain and more thoughts and more pain, and nowhere else. The only way to stop the pain is to stop the thinking.
Well, I'm not being 100% truthful. Your other option is that you could leave her and live a life of promiscuity and abandon. But then imagine when you tell the love of your life 10 years from now about your past, and she leaves you because she cannot trust you and cannot bear to think about your past.
Best of luck.
A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx +, writes (22 May 2007):
 I have the same problem as you but my partner has been with over 100 women. I can't get over this and never will, you have to decide whether you can.
I suppose part of it is jealousy: i.e. you wish you'd had these experiences as well as her, and partly due to insecurity: i.e. you maybe wonder whether she has as much fun with you or takes sex as seriously as you do. They're just some thoughts about the way I feel anyway.
What you've really got to decide is whether you can live with this. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot live with my boyfriends past forever: I'm only young and I am still waiting for my dream guy who respects sex and feels the way I do. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy but I know I can never get over it. You need to work out whether this is what you can put up with forever: do you love her that much?
Get back to me personally if you like, I think we'd have a lot to talk about. Good luck if not!
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A
female
reader, kirstylouise +, writes (22 May 2007):
Hi, having 10 partners does seem like alot but lets just say they were all 1 night stands thats only sex twice a year if you average her around 20. Is it really that bad? What is it that gets to you more the number of the fact that she has a sexual past?
It is unfair to both of you to feel anything about her past other than a sence of 'its made her who she is today' i do understand that the idea of other men having touched and been intermate with the woman you care so much about being a little of putting to say the least, but honestly theres nothing you can do about it - you need to move on otherwise you will be unhappy in the majority of your future relationships as I doubt there all going to be virgins when you meet them.
What experiences have you missed out on? Waking up after a night out with a stranger in your bed? - are they really the experiences you want? Besides you and your g/f should be making your own experiences together as a couple.
You clearly care about each other so work on that - make sure you live in the here and now rather than the past and talk things out as and when but you can't put blame or pressure on her for having a past everyone does and believe me you will to one day!
Hope these posts have helped you, however if you would like anything clarified just ask! :-)
Take Care
xxx
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A
female
reader, kirstylouise +, writes (22 May 2007):
Hi, having 10 partners does seem like alot but lets just say they were all 1 night stands thats only sex twice a year if you arrenage he rold to be 20. Is it really that bad? What is it that gets to you more the number of the fact that she has a sexual past?
It is unfair to both of you to feel anything about her past other than a sence of 'its made her who she is today' i do understand that the idea of other men having touched and been intermate with the woman you care so much about being a little of putting to say the least, but honestly theres nothing you can do about it - you need to move on otherwise you will be unhappy in the majority of your future relationships as I doubt there all going to be virgins when you meet them.
What experiences have you missed out on? Waking up after a night out with a stranger in your bed? - are they really the experiences you want? Besides you and your g/f should be making your own experiences together as a couple.
You clearly care about each other so work on that - make sure you live in the here and now rather than the past and talk things out as and when but you can't put blame or pressure on her for having a past everyone does and believe me you will to one day!
Hope these posts have helped you, however if you would like anything clarified just ask! :-)
Take Care
xxx
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A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (22 May 2007):
 Hey chick this is the same situation as me and my boyfriend had, i was 15 when we first had sex, before him i had several sexual partners and he was a virgin, also 20. You should try not to think about the past, the past is the past, let it lie. You shouldnt have any concern to worry, from what you have told me, you and your girlfriend get along great and she claims your sex life is good, 'great lover'. Dont worry about it, talk to her, without getting in a mood with her (which is where my boyfriend went wrong) Whatever she has done in the past, she has left that to be with you.. mail me if u wanna talk bbz x x x
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (22 May 2007):
 Look, for some guys this is a hang up, and in time they get over it. FOr other guys, they simply can not deal with it. What you need to ask yourself is that if you had the opportunity to be with as many lovers as she did, would you have taken them? Honestly? If the answer is yes, then you can not hold it against her. If the answer is no, then you and she have different values, and you need to come to terms with that, or end the relationship. Most men in your situation would just cheat and not say a word. This type of fustration can kill a relationship. They only thing I can tell you is that everything she went through is a part that made her who she is, and that is the woman you care for. I consult many adult male virgins in my business, and they do not realise the challenge it is to be in your situation, so they continue to wait. THis may play a factor into your issue with her past. The question is WHY were you a virgin until 20? Answer that, and you may find the source of your pain.
-Frank B Kermit
franktalks.com
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A
male
reader, nologo  +, writes (22 May 2007):
 Your situation may be stressful, but it's not unique.
I have already given my answer to a similar question:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-stop-wondering-about-my-gfs.html
"I may eventually grow tired of my inability to handle the facts of her past, and that this could end our relationship".
Oh, you should not be concerned about that if you "been dating for 5 months and its been great fantastic and wonderful".
Your girlfriend is giving you motivation, she gives you wings.
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