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writes: The porn questions on this board are just overwhelming. There are many more "my boyfriend uses porn" questions than "I can't get over my girlfriend's past" questions. I don't think that is because women are that much more insecure than men, but because men won't talk about it as much as women. Men think that they are wimps if they ask for mental (like thoughts) help. Women need to concentrate on the advantages of porn, just as men need to concentrate on the advantages of having a past “slut” as a girlfriend or wife. There really are advantages to both. A person just has to realize them and really believe the good in both. Of course, there are the exceptions. There is the guy who looks at porn to the exclusion of good and loving sex and affection with his partner. There is the guy who married a former “slut” and now she doesn't like to have sex with him and he is just frustrated. There is no advantage to either one of those. People have to look on the bright side when they are feeling down. Yes, sometimes I have a reoccurrence of thinking about my wife screwing guys who she had just met and it still hurts a little that she did that. But then I think about how few guys there are who are 63 and have a wife who likes to have sex most every day and sometimes twice a day when she is also 63. How many guys have a wife that age who still likes to experiment with new things, like vibrators, new positions and some slightly kinky stuff. It's totally unrealistic to think that I'm the only guy she ever screwed. Some people just can't look at the bright side of a fault or something that they don't like and see how it is an advantage in some way. The women who wants a man who is a great and sensual lover, but who never looks at porn or gets aroused by looking at another woman are just not using their brain at all. A guy who wants a women who is loving and hot in bed, but who had no desire to screw another man in the 3 years after she left an abusive or cheating relationship are just not thinking at all. Why can't people at least think a little bit and try to see the advantage to something that bothers them instead of controlling or leaving a very loving, affectionate and sensual partner. Of course, there are things with no advantage, like abuse or a husband using prostitutes.Yes, it is difficult to accept things that we do not like about a partner, but we have to look at all of the things that we do like about them. Why allow a single minor fault to become so overpowering that it controls an entire good relationship. Yes, it might control our thoughts for a time, but hard work to change this destructive thinking can allow us to regain control of our rational thoughts and allow them to suppress our irrational thoughts. The hard way out is much more lasting than the easy way out, like controlling or leaving. There will always be yet another reason to control or leave again in the future if we don’t work on our insecurities in the present and continue to work on them when they start to resurface. Changing our own faults first is the best way to allow us to accept the others faults or habits.
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female
reader, MissMoo  +, writes (7 March 2010):
i wont slate this article, because i am trying to be open minded, im 18, and joined this just to say this, i have been withh my boyfriend for 3 years, and struggle with this massively, i told him to stop just lost it, and didnt really think about why i held all these views like "its as bad as cheating * throws laptop out of window*" ok so this article really helped me to kinda see what i already knew, that i am being ureasonable, but it really is a massive issue to me and is driving me insane and my relationship is slowly deteriorating, (probably more todo with my insane insecurities though than the porn AS i beleive it is in the divorce stats firstly i congratulate yoy on having such an amazing wife! and i completely see the advantaages there!!!! but you speak of advantages to having a boyf who watches porn in a non detrimental way and do not give examples, (bearing in mind that from what i gather MANY women view it as cheating anyway so prevention of that doesn't count i cant think of any) this is not a challenge i found your article v. helpful, But pleaaassseee enlighten me because "enlightenment is the path to happiness" and because i genuininly need help
ps sorry 4 typos on quite probably an incoherrant rant, its nearly 3 in the morning and i have spent 4 hours going round in circles YET ANOTHER NIGHT about how to fix my stupid possessiveness before it ruins everything i have, (porn hang ups is probably just a symptom of jmy underlying CRAZYCOW syndrome)
sorry its long too!
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 February 2010):
 Ah.. found your claim..
"“In 2003, a meeting of the American Academy of marriage advocates, two-thirds of the 350 divorce lawyers who attended said the Internet played a significant role in divorces in the past year, with excessive interest in online porn contributing to more than half of such cases. Pornography has been virtually non-existent role in divorce just seven or eight years ago. - Divorcewizards.com"
This is heresay, it is not statistical crediable research. The figures I assume are from the USA. However another article.. from Divorcewizards.com, states that 1/3 of divorces take place due to adultery. These figures do not add up. This would mean that 100% of people divorce due to pornography or adultery.. what about desertion, cruelty and the other grounds for divorce.. these figures suggest nobody divorces for these reasons.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 February 2010):
calico58,
You've stated that pornography is the number one cause of divorce in the UK. That is a very intresting claim to make. So like you, I've turned to the internet and am doing research on statistics relevant to the UK.
Firstly, over time (in the last decade) divorce has been steadily declining. More and more people are choosing to stay married and not get divorced. Figures are from the National Office of Statistics UK. (I'll put up links if you are intrested)
Secondly, spending on pornography has been going up in the UK, especially on internet pornography. The most interesting statistic that the percentage of WOMEN spend money on pornography has increased dramatically.
Is there a correlation between women becoming interested in pornography and the steady decline in the numbers of divorce? Might these two statistics suggest that as women become more interested in viewing sex they become less likely to divorce their husbands.
I'm still looking for evidence of your claim that pornography is the number one cause of divorce. However, I thought that it might be a good idea to share what statistics and evidence I have already found around this issue, in regards to the UK. As I said, I will provide links if you need them.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 February 2010):
"when using unresonable behaviour as a reason for divorce you have to give 5 reasons no more no less"
Divorces are granted for "unreasonable behaviour", not pornography use. As you said yourself, you have to give five reasons not just one. As far as I know, buying, looking at or even acting in porn is not illegal as long as you are over 18.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 February 2010):
"in fact it is still one of the biggest causes for divorce worldwide and im pretty sure that the divotrce states porn use rather than insecurity"
Actually I would love to see statistics to prove this, if you have any. Pornography use is not a reason to grant divorce in the UK, the judge would throw the case out. As far as I know, the number one cause of divorce is differences in sex drive, after that comes money.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (7 February 2010):
Glad you brought this one back to the board Troubletoomuch... so many questions around jealousy for friends, past partners, pornography and anything else we can blame for reasons why we aren't getting the relationship that we want.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlthough one is in the past and one is in the present, they are both signs of insecurities. That is what the title and article are addressing. It is not addressing past or present. It is addressing taking charge to fell confident about something that bothers you. Therefore, there is no difference between past and present in the context of the article. The comparison is relevant in the contest of the article.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks oldersister, Eyes and Waz. I was out of town the past 10 days and didn't have any internet service and just got back today, so I'm just responding now.
I just want to make a comment on Waz's comment on jealousy. I've done a lot of thinking and writing about the girlfriend's or wife's sexual past, as you know. I think that it is jealousy many times, but I think it is something else many times too. Many times it isn't the number of partners nearly as much as how the person acted. For instance, I know someone who has had 10 sexual partners over many years. All were relationships of at least 6 months. I can't know for sure, but I don't think I would have had a problem with that, at least not after I had some time to absorbe it. My wife had the same number of partners over 3 years and it was the one night stands and sleeping with guys who she had just met 2 hours earlier that bothered me, as I was brought up to think of that as cheap. I still do think that behavior is cheap, but I also understand the reasons for it when a person is hurting or depressed. I don't want to speak for Yos, but in one of his answers a couple of months ago, he also said that was the past of his wife's past that bothered him the most. That being the behavior that many people think of as cheap or slutty. By the way, as some of you might guess, I believe that is the same for both men and women, not just women. I wasn't very happy with myself after the fact with the one night stand that I had because that is all that I wanted her for. I felt pretty bad of the way that I acted in using her after I saw her again and thought about it. My wife never held things like that against me, so she is a better person than I am.
OK, end of rant number 2.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (19 September 2008):
 AMEN BUDDY!
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female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (8 September 2008):
 Ha! Only time will tell for me. Hopefully I'll live as long as you have.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"You're such a lucky man."
You're not telling me something I don't know PsyCookie. :) Thanks. From what I've read of your answers, I'm sure that you will be.
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female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (6 September 2008):
I agree with you so much troubletoomuch!
I sometimes read other people's responses for a lot of relationship questions (porn related or not) and a lot of them are "dump him" or "leave" when talking is the best solution! I sometimes wish to go and say "leaving is not the only way!"
I can't believe how so many people can't just talk their problems with their partner (of course, there are the ones who have and the partner doesn't care) and come here with a problem that can be solved that way. It's frustrating, at times, to read about the problems of people who can't use their brain at all.
Now, I'm not in my 60's, but I do heck wish I will be like your wife at her age with my lover. You're such a lucky man.
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