A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem that i was hoping you could help me with. I am a man of 20 who has had a girlfriend 'Hannah' for the last 4 months. We agreed in the beginning that it was an open relationship and we have both dated other people throughout the duration of the time we've been together, but we still have fun and a very active sex life. (We both get regularly tested by the way, we are both clean and use contraception). Recently, i met a girl, 'Sarah', at a club and we got up to some naughty stuff. We didn't have full blown sex but almost everything up to that point and it was a fantastic night. We have talked since and met up a few times and i really enjoy spending time with her. However, she wanted it to become a bit more serious with each of us commiting to the other.I talked to Hannah and she said that she still wanted us to have a relationship and we both met up to talk about it. She said that i needed to make a decision but i should take my time. After a few days of mulling it over, i decided to talk to both women again and decide, but i then found out that Hannah and Sarah knew each other. They had experimented with each other in the past and Sarah became open to the idea of a threesome with us. I was a bit hesitant at first but we went through with it and i had an absolutley amazing time, as did both women. Just a few days ago, Hannah said that a relationship with the three of us would be a good idea. Sarah however said she wants a relationship with just me and maybe the occassional threesome with Hannah but a mostly monogamous relationship between us.I really like both women and i dont know whether to try and convince Sarah to have a three-way relationship with me and Hannah, to give up on Sarah and have a open relationship with Hannah, or to give up on Hannah and have a monogamous relationship with Sarah? Please help! I'm still young and whilst the idea of a monogamous relationship is appealing, i think it's too early and i'll miss out on experiences, even though i really like Sarah.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2008): What is it with people?
You don't have OPEN relationships. If you wanna sleep around, then stay single and date.
When you are with someone, you are with them and them alone until such time as the relationships ends.
I'd steer cleer of any of these jezebels as they would not make good wife-material.
Flynn 24
A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (6 September 2008):
 We should all have such decisions!
Seriously, you are facing a tough choice here. The answer, of course, depends on what you see as your long term goals. If you see either of these women as a prospective long-term partner, then you have to ask yourself, where you would want to be, say, 15 or 20 years from now.
If you're looking for a conventional relationship with a conventional marriage that you can parade in front of your fellow workers in an office and show off to mom and the rest of the family, then you'll probably want to stick with Sarah, and maybe the two of you can have a little fun, for now, with an occasional fling with Hannah. And no doubt in the years to come you'll send her a Christmas card and think fond thoughts of "those days".
If you see yourself remaining as an unconventional individualist who has a job in an unusual profession where alternative lifestyles are the median, or in a situation where a "don't ask, don't tell" attitude prevails and all of you can keep your mouth shut, then Hannah may be the one for you. But realize that it will almost certainly cost you Sarah, and the life expectancy of open relationships is somewhat lower than those of monogamous relationships. I'm not saying that they DON'T succeed, or that monogamous ones are guaranteed, but the odds are somewhat better with the more conventional ones. Just a fact. (And there are Kinsey statistics to back it up, I believe.)
Of course the other possibility is that you may choose to view BOTH of these potential relationships as short term, with your long term goals to be fulfilled elsewhere. But even in that case you should consider the impact of your decisions today on your long term prospects. You are living in a goldfish bowl, not a vacuum. What you do today will leave its fingerprints around for a long time. If you are set on that two car garage in the suburbs with a wife and 2.3 kids eventually, are you ready to explain your life with Hannah to your prospective wife? Because the odds are pretty good that she WILL find out about it one way or another. Sarah she would probably understand. Not so sure about the other.
There are lots of plusses and minuses on both sides of this question, and you've got some serious thinking to do. But I urge you to do it with an eye to your long term future, not just with an eye to what works for you right now.
And do give some thought, too, to the two girls and how THEY are going to feel about any decision you come to. They are real human beings with real emotions, and deserve consideration. Both of them seem to care about you. You should care enough about them to factor their feelings and their long term good into your decision as well.
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